Is it still acceptable in this day and age to ask a WOMAN in public out for a coffee/drink/lunch?

OnWis97 said:

I responded "yes," based on the title and I was kinda envisioning someone you at least kinda knew.  Seemed like a no-brainer.

But now that I read it more as approaching someone out of the blue in public...well...my answer is still yes.  But I don't think you're likely to come off well.  Again, it's OK, as long as you are prepared to take rejection like a champ...smile and move on.  Thoughts_Arrive said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't about a 'yes'. With this me too movement and radical feminism I feel like it is frowned upon nowadays.

Me too movement and radical feminism?
Speaking as a friend who doesn't think you are a bad guy, you need to check those spiteful feelings at the door before they grow out of control into full on Incel territory.
I know you say you respect women, but there are signs that you don't, or soon won't.
You talk of women as though they are some inscrutable species from Venus that can't be understood or reasoned with.  They don't run from you in horror, they aren't out looking to drag poor lonely guys through the mud.  Women are people.  They are just people like you, and they don't owe you anything more than you owe them.  Like I said, I don't think you are a bad guy, but your eagerness to cast yourself as a victim is casting the women of your life as villains.

I don't understand why you asked the poll in the first place, is hitting on a stranger on the train something you would really do?  You refuse every other avenue, and that's the one you would consider?
It will come off a little creepy because you are only basing your assessment of the person's worth on their looks in that scenario, but there's a respectful way to do it.  Like I said, only a true stud is ever going to pull that off.
A stranger with a shared interest, like at a book club, class, gym, work, etc gives a much better opportunity because it's plausible that you want to get to know the person based off their interests and not just their body.

Not spiteful feelings, feelings of fear at being labelled as someone who does not respect women or as a pervert.
Like if I started talking to a girl on the train making small talk and asking where she's off to or whatever comes to mind and then asking her for her number. If I did that would I get beat down by people for 'harassment'? I know one woman who thinks that when guys ask her out it's for sex only. Like seriously, how about they want to meet someone special to share their life with. That's what I am getting at. 
I would never get into incel territory, I don't even remotely harbour or have never even harboured thoughts of hatred towards females. Those thoughts have not once popped into my head.
What signs are there that I don't respect women and soon won't? Sorry I'm taken aback and slightly offended at that.

One thing I've learned over the years is that it's really, really  hard for me to relate to what it's like to be a female. I had a class review to go to one evening (i.e., after dark) in college.  A woman I knew in a different dorm was in my class.  After the review session, she proceeded to tell me that she called my dorm room (1993...no cell phones) so I could stop and get her on the way but I'd already left.  But since I was gone, two of her friends walked her there and walked back home together so no woman was ever out alone on campus.  That I should have offered to walk her never occurred to me.  Because I hadn't lived in that reality.

Now you read a lot about male Uber drivers asking female riders whether they're going home...to a boyfriend's?...etc.  My guess is that the vast majority of the drivers have no intent of committing a felony, but again, women live with discomfort (and some legitimate danger) that is really hard for men to relate to.  I've read that many won't go to a gym because of the pick-ups and/or ogling.  They live in a different world than men do and I think the world would be a better place if we were more able to consider how we're coming across in our interactions.

I have a co-worker who has told me she gets sexually harassed on the train nearly every time she rides it.  I was floored when she told me this.  I ride the same train and have never noticed this kind of thing...but then again, I'm listening to music and either reading or looking at my phone.  Part of why I don't realize that this stuff is fairly common is because I have the luxury of not realizing it.

Approaching someone you've never met and asking them out is kind of a gray area, but I don't think it's the best approach.  You only know what she looks like.  She's not the love of your life.  It's better to get to know someone first.  There's a good chance you're not the first person to approach her out of the blue this week and she's probably getting burned out from the "positive reinforcement."  But whatever you do, take no for an answer with no protest.

tbergs said:

Instead of asking her out without any pretext, maybe try to start a conversation with her first and see if there is a common interest to get to know one another. I doubt any woman would accept a date from a random person they have never talked to, and if they did, well, you might be in for some crazy times.

ed243421 said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't about a 'yes'. With this me too movement and radical feminism I feel like it is frowned upon nowadays.

Me too movement and radical feminism?
Speaking as a friend who doesn't think you are a bad guy, you need to check those spiteful feelings at the door before they grow out of control into full on Incel territory.
I know you say you respect women, but there are signs that you don't, or soon won't.
You talk of women as though they are some inscrutable species from Venus that can't be understood or reasoned with.  They don't run from you in horror, they aren't out looking to drag poor lonely guys through the mud.  Women are people.  They are just people like you, and they don't owe you anything more than you owe them.  Like I said, I don't think you are a bad guy, but your eagerness to cast yourself as a victim is casting the women of your life as villains.

I don't understand why you asked the poll in the first place, is hitting on a stranger on the train something you would really do?  You refuse every other avenue, and that's the one you would consider?
It will come off a little creepy because you are only basing your assessment of the person's worth on their looks in that scenario, but there's a respectful way to do it.  Like I said, only a true stud is ever going to pull that off.
A stranger with a shared interest, like at a book club, class, gym, work, etc gives a much better opportunity because it's plausible that you want to get to know the person based off their interests and not just their body.

Gern Blansten said:

PJ_Soul said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't about a 'yes'. With this me too movement and radical feminism I feel like it is frowned upon nowadays.

Me too movement and radical feminism?
Speaking as a friend who doesn't think you are a bad guy, you need to check those spiteful feelings at the door before they grow out of control into full on Incel territory.
I know you say you respect women, but there are signs that you don't, or soon won't.
You talk of women as though they are some inscrutable species from Venus that can't be understood or reasoned with.  They don't run from you in horror, they aren't out looking to drag poor lonely guys through the mud.  Women are people.  They are just people like you, and they don't owe you anything more than you owe them.  Like I said, I don't think you are a bad guy, but your eagerness to cast yourself as a victim is casting the women of your life as villains.

I don't understand why you asked the poll in the first place, is hitting on a stranger on the train something you would really do?  You refuse every other avenue, and that's the one you would consider?
It will come off a little creepy because you are only basing your assessment of the person's worth on their looks in that scenario, but there's a respectful way to do it.  Like I said, only a true stud is ever going to pull that off.
A stranger with a shared interest, like at a book club, class, gym, work, etc gives a much better opportunity because it's plausible that you want to get to know the person based off their interests and not just their body.

I totally agree with all of this.

And FWIW, when a man out in public proposes something like a drink or coffee with me, I can say yes or no. But no matter what that answer is, unless the guy is acting like a fucking creep or weirdo from the start (T_A, I frankly have doubts that you quite understand what creepy and not creepy behaviour really is), I'm flattered either way. Obviously a woman is only going to say yes if something about the guy interests her, be it personality, looks, vibe, or any or all of the above.

Right but Ted Bundy had personality, looks, vibe, etc.

OffSheGoes35 said:

Gern Blansten said:

PJ_Soul said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't about a 'yes'. With this me too movement and radical feminism I feel like it is frowned upon nowadays.

Me too movement and radical feminism?
Speaking as a friend who doesn't think you are a bad guy, you need to check those spiteful feelings at the door before they grow out of control into full on Incel territory.
I know you say you respect women, but there are signs that you don't, or soon won't.
You talk of women as though they are some inscrutable species from Venus that can't be understood or reasoned with.  They don't run from you in horror, they aren't out looking to drag poor lonely guys through the mud.  Women are people.  They are just people like you, and they don't owe you anything more than you owe them.  Like I said, I don't think you are a bad guy, but your eagerness to cast yourself as a victim is casting the women of your life as villains.

I don't understand why you asked the poll in the first place, is hitting on a stranger on the train something you would really do?  You refuse every other avenue, and that's the one you would consider?
It will come off a little creepy because you are only basing your assessment of the person's worth on their looks in that scenario, but there's a respectful way to do it.  Like I said, only a true stud is ever going to pull that off.
A stranger with a shared interest, like at a book club, class, gym, work, etc gives a much better opportunity because it's plausible that you want to get to know the person based off their interests and not just their body.

I totally agree with all of this.

And FWIW, when a man out in public proposes something like a drink or coffee with me, I can say yes or no. But no matter what that answer is, unless the guy is acting like a fucking creep or weirdo from the start (T_A, I frankly have doubts that you quite understand what creepy and not creepy behaviour really is), I'm flattered either way. Obviously a woman is only going to say yes if something about the guy interests her, be it personality, looks, vibe, or any or all of the above.

Right but Ted Bundy had personality, looks, vibe, etc.

Yes, never trust a good first impression, it's a bullshit scam for sure. 

And no, a good first impression is definitely not always a bullshit scam for sure. Wtf is happening here? Are you folks all exaggerating your positions? Or were your joking OffSheGoes? I can't tell!!

Go Beavers said:

Curious if any of the boys in here have been asked out randomly and what the situation was. 

PJ_Soul said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Gern Blansten said:

PJ_Soul said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't about a 'yes'. With this me too movement and radical feminism I feel like it is frowned upon nowadays.

Me too movement and radical feminism?
Speaking as a friend who doesn't think you are a bad guy, you need to check those spiteful feelings at the door before they grow out of control into full on Incel territory.
I know you say you respect women, but there are signs that you don't, or soon won't.
You talk of women as though they are some inscrutable species from Venus that can't be understood or reasoned with.  They don't run from you in horror, they aren't out looking to drag poor lonely guys through the mud.  Women are people.  They are just people like you, and they don't owe you anything more than you owe them.  Like I said, I don't think you are a bad guy, but your eagerness to cast yourself as a victim is casting the women of your life as villains.

I don't understand why you asked the poll in the first place, is hitting on a stranger on the train something you would really do?  You refuse every other avenue, and that's the one you would consider?
It will come off a little creepy because you are only basing your assessment of the person's worth on their looks in that scenario, but there's a respectful way to do it.  Like I said, only a true stud is ever going to pull that off.
A stranger with a shared interest, like at a book club, class, gym, work, etc gives a much better opportunity because it's plausible that you want to get to know the person based off their interests and not just their body.

I totally agree with all of this.

And FWIW, when a man out in public proposes something like a drink or coffee with me, I can say yes or no. But no matter what that answer is, unless the guy is acting like a fucking creep or weirdo from the start (T_A, I frankly have doubts that you quite understand what creepy and not creepy behaviour really is), I'm flattered either way. Obviously a woman is only going to say yes if something about the guy interests her, be it personality, looks, vibe, or any or all of the above.

Right but Ted Bundy had personality, looks, vibe, etc.

Yes, never trust a good first impression, it's a bullshit scam for sure. 

 Trusting and saying yes to coffee are two VERY different things, lol. A woman accepts a request to go on a date to find out IF he can be trusted, not because she already trusts him... The smart ones, at least.

And no, a good first impression is definitely not always a bullshit scam for sure. Wtf is happening here? Are you folks all exaggerating your positions? Or were your joking OffSheGoes? I can't tell!!

Go Beavers said:

Curious if any of the boys in here have been asked out randomly and what the situation was. 

lolobugg said:

Go Beavers said:

Curious if any of the boys in here have been asked out randomly and what the situation was. 

it happened at my work a few times....... of course I worked at a record store so that made me automatically COOL.