Dying alone

Thoughts_Arrive said:

There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.

I say phooey to what some people say and think.  You know who and what you are and anyone who tries to judge you that way is just plain wrong. 

I've had the same situation a number of times in my life.  I don't know what it is, but several people have mistaken me for being gay. I've had guys try to pick me up.  Even my wife has told me she thought I was gay when we first met!   That kind of thing used to bug me but now just figure well, maybe it's supposed to be a compliment.  I mean, after all, I've had some very cool gay friends and although I'm not inclined towards having sex with other men, I don't mind at all that some men do- or that some women prefer women- it's all a matter of personal taste and it's all fine either way.  But the bottom line- it's noboy's damn business either way.

Also, I've had guys call me "ma'am" a number of times.  What's with that?!  My hair?  Am I a bit "hippie"?  (My wife claims the word came from mamas with big hips who wear beads and such, but I think it originated as a spin off from the beatnik use of "hip").  Well, whatever.  I just shrug it off.  Besides, how many women have a soul patch (etc.!)?

Yeah, for sure it can be annoying when people say things about you that aren't true.  But just remember that if they say things that are derisive or ridiculing, they are the ones with the problem, not you.  Best not to give those people your time or energy.

Hedo- love that Tull song, "Nothing is Easy"!

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?". 

As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.

First, what the hell is wrong with a fuck fest???? 
Sex is literally the most exciting and enjoyable activity a human person can engage in!

Second, self-pity is not a feature that wears well on anyone.  Do you have interests and hobbies?  
Of course you do, and that's what you would put on your dating profile.  It's not some game of pretending to be the world's most interesting man, it's about finding someone who sees your interests as interesting because they are interested too.  Interesting interestingness.
You don't have any good photos?  Well shit, that's a deal breaker, you'll be single forever because there is no possible way you could put on your good clothes, do your hair good, and smile for a selfie on the device currently in your hand.

You fail 100% of the times you don't even try!

lastexitlondon said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?". 

As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.

First, what the hell is wrong with a fuck fest???? 
Sex is literally the most exciting and enjoyable activity a human person can engage in!

Second, self-pity is not a feature that wears well on anyone.  Do you have interests and hobbies?  
Of course you do, and that's what you would put on your dating profile.  It's not some game of pretending to be the world's most interesting man, it's about finding someone who sees your interests as interesting because they are interested too.  Interesting interestingness.
You don't have any good photos?  Well shit, that's a deal breaker, you'll be single forever because there is no possible way you could put on your good clothes, do your hair good, and smile for a selfie on the device currently in your hand.

You fail 100% of the times you don't even try!

This is very true. Go for it . Leap of faith but worth it. 

Maybe set a goal of maybe six months and try to move out of your parents house.  Living with your parents at age 34 I would think is a big red flag for women.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 only to return when I was going through my divorce at age 32...man did it suck!!!!

rgambs said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

tweedyfanjen said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since. 

prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that. 

Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.

Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol
The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving..
"Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"

haha! It probably wouldn't faze him. 

tweedyfanjen said:

rgambs said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

tweedyfanjen said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since. 

prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that. 

Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.

Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol
The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving..
"Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"

haha! It probably wouldn't faze him. 

What if you just kicked his dick in?

dankind said:

tweedyfanjen said:

rgambs said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

tweedyfanjen said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since. 

prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that. 

Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.

Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol
The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving..
"Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"

haha! It probably wouldn't faze him. 

What if you just kicked his dick in?

I don't ever want this to happen to me .

dankind said:

Thirty Bills Unpaid said:

dankind said:

tweedyfanjen said:

rgambs said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

tweedyfanjen said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since. 

prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that. 

Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.

Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol
The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving..
"Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"

haha! It probably wouldn't faze him. 

What if you just kicked his dick in?

I don't ever want this to happen to me .

I’m surprised that it never has. 

hahahaha

I've made a habit of hanging out with the toughest guys I know!

Never having had a girlfriend does not make one gay. That’s an incredibly stupid leap. 

Arthritis does, though. Seriously, did you know that arthritis makes you gay?




















It made Ben Gay. 

(Tip your server.)

Thoughts_Arrive said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.

It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.

I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
 And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.

So sorry to hear.
Have you sought counselling to try help you overcome your thoughts and feelings?

Thank you.
I did go see a counselor for almost a year. I never really felt comfortable with her. So I pretty much just kept re-hashing feelings that were only on the surface. I think that probably drove us both a little mad. 

ConorKavanagh said:

I have sat across from numerous counselors over the past 20 years. You don't always click with each one. Just like everyone who sits across from them, each counselor is different. If you never felt comfortable with the one who you saw, there's probably one out there who you would feel comfortable with. I saw one a couple of years ago and after a while it felt like I was the one who was giving the therapy, so I quit turning up.

There should be a match.com for counselors/patients.