Need prayers....thoughts, vibes, anything....

Back is getting better...just took a few days for the prednisone to start working. My best friend being there is a huge help, and she's been helping me a lot. I'm still having a hard time myself...just mentally from being off my meds and stuff. I am trying b12 for the anxiety...just started it this weekend. Not sure anymore when we're actually going to try to have a baby, and I kinda don't wanna get back on my meds if I can avoid it because of the crap I went through getting off...

I'm having an extra rough day today as it marks one year since I lost my furbaby, Tabby Lu.

Thanks guys, we did have a nice holiday, my bestie and I cooked because my hubby who usually does all the cooking, had to work this year. I got a free ham from work so we had ham instead of Turkey, I cooked it and it turned out great...Keyton had a rough day that day though, resulting in a 3 hour stand off with my husband about asking for things, he doesn't ask, he demands, and we're trying to teach him manners because no one ever has...he's improved since that night, but it's still a struggle...just hasn't been as bad as that night.

Found out today that my beastie's in-laws, soon to be ex in-laws, are totally on her side getting her stable and her son back to her, they aren't going to try and keep him, they want him to be where he wants to be and he wants to be with his mommy, so that was good news for her. Her MIL said that her soon to be ex husband is being as ugly to them as he is to her and they are not allowing him to see their son, but that he hasn't made any attempt to either. So I was just very relieved that they are holding him accountable for his horrible choices in this. My bestie also told me stuff that he used to say to her, and it was verbal abuse, it's no wonder she had fallen into a depression, she said she had started to believe him because he said it so much...and this was even before the mistress came into the picture. So I'm just relieved that that's going well, and I let her know that she can stay with us as long as she needs to and get a job and we'll do what we can to help her save up for what she wants to do ultimately....so that seems to at least be headed in a good direction.

I'm struggling with my emotions over this whole thing, because now we have to put having our own baby on hold due to finances now that we have Keyton, I don't know for how long, it may not be long, but it's up in the air and we really don't know...it's just frustrating to me and my family(my aunt uncle, keyton's mom, and my grandma don't seem to care about the fact that I'm doing this and don't seem all that thankful that we're doing this...which is really frustrating, because if it wasn't for us, he'd be a ward of the state of KY and who knows where he would be. I'm suffering from anxiety daily. I do have a good lead on something to help with that though, it's called Confianze Stress Relief blend by a company called It Works, my friend does them, it's kinda like Mary Kay but they specialize in supplements, and she says it's worked wonders for her while she's been dealing with her health lately. So I think I'm going to order that and give it a try because the b12 is not doing a thing.

I just have to take some time to myself sometimes even if it's just an hour in my room at night and not deal with Keyton or anyone for that matter...I did that the other night. My husband and I really need more sleep and rest too, we're already getting worn out because he has so many needs and lifting and carrying him is so difficult because he weight between 35-40 lbs. He's really heavy and he does this thing where when you're carrying him he leans backwards which makes it even harder, I know this is how I messed up my back, and we're just having trouble getting him to listen and it's a typical thing for a kid who has gone through what he's gone through, but it gets so frustrating and there are so many things that a 5 year old should no and be able to do that he can't, not because he's handicap, but because no one ever worked with him on anything or taught him anything, they just did everything for him, babied him and treated like a complete invalid.

In just the short time we've had him, he now crawls on his hands and knees instead of scooting everywhere and he can get himself mostly into his wheelchair on his own and he's pushing himself in his wheelchair. He learned yesterday how to put his own pants on, he struggles, but he did it three separate times on his own, and with practice he'll get better at it.

A big concern I have is that he's obsessed with death and killing and my aunt and uncle brought some of his toys from KY including three guns, we threw the guns away, because he's 5 and 2 of them were cap guns that looks exactly like real pistols and didn't have the orange ends on them anymore...and my aunt called me about a visit place, she wants to take him to do bows and arrows because he likes them...NO, that is not age appropriate...not to mention it was during the week when she knows they can only have visits on weekends because Jason and I work. My grandma got in a fight with my aunt this weekend because all my aunt and uncle do is complain about the fact that we have him and for some reason they have issue with that...and my grandma told her how well he's doing with us and my aunt said she's tired of hearing that, and my grandma told her "well I'm tired of hearing you bitch about it." So I don't know why they have such a problem with us having him considering the alternative is foster care...but they don't seem to care about that. My uncle did however tell Jason and my grandma he was very impressed with him crawling and getting in the wheelchair on his own. So I guess that's something.

Basically though, my mom, my grandma, my aunt and uncle have put Jason and my bestie and Chyann and I all on an island by ourselves with their behavior and that's frustrating, and my mom is putting my aunt and uncle on her lease, after she already said they could only stay 2 weeks, she said to me yesterday I can't just kick them out their' behaving....yeah but they're not working or really making much of an attempt to find work and doing nothing but sponging off my mom and grandma...and they don't make any effort to call Jason so they can talk to Keyton...they have my grandma call me and then pretend like it's an after thought oh yeah while we have you on the phone can we talk to him? And they have decided again that they do want him back, but how are they going to prove their situation is better than ours when they're sponging off my mom and grandma...? And we have no idea when Krissy(his mom) is going to get out of prison, they transferred her to a different jail, no one knows why even, but she's got to serve quite a sentence, she does have a praole hearing in March, but her first one was denied and I'm pretty sure this one will be too, because she went on the run when they came to arrest her and was gone for 2 weeks...I'm just like really? Plus she has to do rehab, and I don't now how she's going to do that because she has to pay for it, but it's been court ordered, and she definitely has no chance of getting him back if she can't get clean from the heroin.

Honestly some days it's so hard I just want to go back and have it be my family only again...and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Because I know he needs us. But like I said I'm really struggling with my emotions and feelings about this whole situation and having to put my life on hold to care for someone else's child, all of whom show no thanks for what we're doing or care that I'm putting my life on hold...I cry a lot. I mean I was so ready to try to have a baby that my heart is literally broken over having to wait longer...

alright, I've gone on long enough for this update....sorry it's so long. I just kinda needed to vent.

I love you all and your thoughts and prayers and encouragement really mean so much to me, you have no idea!!!

Well, KY is finally moving the case to Oregon, but Oregon is closing it immediately...which in some things is a good thing, as it will make filing our guardianship petition much easier, but it also makes other things more stressful, as now that the case is closed we fear my aunt and uncle may turn into even bigger jerks about everything and somehow try to say they want him back now that there is no open case against them....we are hoping this isn't the case but who knows. So things will be a little better in a month or two, because the guardianship should be in place soon. And it will serve as a legal backstop to anyone who wants to try to oppose what we're doing. And hopefully my aunt and uncle will chill.

JWP I took your advice and got the magnesium, I also got a B complex on the advice of another good friend, and a calming formula as well as turmeric for my headaches...I started them three days ago, and we'll see how it goes. So far not noticing anything but I imagine they take a little while to get in your system just like with anything else. My hubby says my mood seems to have improved.

Also finally going to the eye doctor tomorrow to get a new RX on my glasses, this should also help my headaches as I'm 2 years past due for this....

Again, thank you all for your continued support.

My mom is mad at us because she thinks we're treating my aunt and uncle and my grandma badly, and so she texted me on Saturday night and told me off and told me we don't deserve to have a baby....it was the most ugly and hurtful thing she's ever said to me and I had a complete break down, my husband told her off afterwards because he was not happy about her attacking me when really she's mad at him, and I am not treating anyone anyway because I don't even talk to them, and I have been a mess ever since, I'm sick over it. She sent a half assed apology email to me at work today, I say half assed because in one breath she says she's sorry and she shouldn't have said that and in the next she goes off again about all the shit were doing wrong...I deleted ti and didn't reply, I'm not ready to speak to her...she also unfriended me on facebook...I'm just like WTF???