PJ fans in 12 step Recovery

mickeyrat wrote:

what are you thinking about the other 5-6 days of the week?

depends. sometimes it's:

-the weekend and how I'm going to justify to my wife why I'm going to the liquor store.
-if it's not a pay week, how I'm going to get money to buy a bottle

other times it's:

-how much fun I'm going to have with my wife and kids

the problem is that it's not consitently "I NEED A DRINK" and that's how I justify telling myself I don't have a problem, because I can go 3 weeks without drinking.

I just really really really really really like getting drunk and stoned (just pot). how do you stop doing something you like doing, especially when it's not obviously destroying your life? I mean, I don't miss work, my kids aren't affected, when I told my parents a while back I thought I had a problem they looked at me like I was nuts, etc.

I think it would be so much easier to see it as a problem if I happened to fall face first into my kids birthday cake and puke all over the guests, but that's just not how it is.

FUCK.

whispering hands wrote:

The fact that it's mentally tearing you apart this way, is proof enough that it's a problem..It may not be causing any outwardly noticeable problems that you can see at this point, but the fact that it's got you chasing your mental tail, is a problem in itself..This can cause further drinking, which increases this mental anguish..trust.. that's how I started out.. next thing I knew I was hunting down beers at 9 am in the morning..didn't take long, just enough beer to kill the anxiety..and away the habit went from there..

That's where I was. I kill myself more in thought than it would outwardly seem with the drink. I really have been thinking about a dirnk recently because alcohol is cunning and baffling but I know that even when I drink in moderation, I am laying so much guilt on myself that it cripples me.

oona left wrote:

Can I ask something (and I don't mean to sound like an asshole)?: Would you really prefer to wait until you do something like fall face first into your child's birthday cake to change?

I know I'm not the only one on here that kept drinking after they had mortified themselves in front of family, especially children. I can tell you it sucks to live with. The guilt from such events doesn't make it easier to stop drinking. Hell, it makes it harder.

you don't sound like an asshole, I'm putting myself out there looking for feedback, so I appreciate it. No, I don't want it to come to that, but no one thinks it will, ya know?

I don't see myself getting any worse than I was a long time ago.......it ebbs and flows........so often I don't care about drinking........other times I just feel like a party........I mostly don't drink around family or at stuff like that.......I don't find it to be hugely appropriate........I'm sure things CAN get worse, and very well MAY, but I don't tend to think that way, so it's hard when you think positively to actually believe you are this close to the rock.

Another great blog from Elle:
I can relate to " the click "
One Crafty Mother

Click
Posted: 28 Aug 2011 02:03 PM PDT
I've been thinking about the 'click' lately.


Maybe you know the one?  After you've had a drink, or two, and life just seems to click into place?  The edges get all warm and fuzzy, you love everyone and everything, and boredom and anxiety feel like distant memories?

Yeah, that click.

It is Friday night, and we are hanging out at our beach camp, lounging on the porch and watching the sun go down.  The neighborhood has gathered on someone's porch for drinks, and they are having a grand old time.  The sounds of laughter and clinking glasses permeate the air, and I listen wistfully.

I have that sun drenched, salty feeling; the one that goes so well with a smooth glass of wine. 

My back is sore - I threw it out again early last week - and the kids are clamoring for dinner. The thought of sweating over the grill, or the stove, makes me tired right down to my bones.  Oh, how I want that click.  It would ease my back pain, make the idea of cooking dinner seem palatable, I think.

To distract myself, I go for a little walk, up to the lighthouse on the point next to our cottage.  I sit and listen to the birds, feel the cool evening breeze on my face.  

I think about all the women I have met recently - either in person or through emails - who are brand new to sobriety, or who are struggling to get sober.

This is why it's so hard, I think, to stay away from that first drink.  Nothing beats that click, not really.  It's the antidote to boredom, a prescription for instant relaxation.  

I take deep breaths, feel my lungs inflate with the fresh air.  In.  Out.  Think it through, Ellie. 

The difference between me and a normal drinker is that the click is just the beginning for me.  

Normal drinkers ride that warm feeling, have a drink or two and coast along on happy, relaxed sociability.  They milk the click for all it's worth, but for them it stops there.

I was born without an off switch.  Once I hit the click, I no longer control how much I will drink.  It has always been that way.  

I remember how I tried everything - everything - to get to the click and stay there.  I tried only drinking beer. Or wine. I tried only drinking on weekends, or only when I was out with friends.  Even if I only drank on occasion, there was no telling where I'd end up once I started.  Sometimes I could control it, and for years I thought only about those times when I was able to rein it in, stop at the click.   There were only a few examples to choose from, but I kept them close at hand, and discarded all the evidence to the contrary.

With I sigh, I turn and head back to the cottage, a heavy feeling in my bones. I miss it, I think.  And that's okay.  Ride it out.  It will pass.  It always does. 

~~~~~~~

Later that evening, after the dishes are washed up and dessert devoured, we settle down at the kitchen table to work on a 550 piece puzzle.  The only light comes from a portable gas lantern, and it casts a warm glow over the kids' faces, like a campfire.

"It's family puzzle night!" Greta grins.

Finn furrows his brow, looking for one certain piece.  When he finds it his face lights up: "I FOUND it, Momma!  That makes FWEE pieces for me!"

I would have missed this, I think. I would have gone into numbness, there-but-not-there, my mind distracted by whether it would be okay to pour another drink.

Greta leans her head on my shoulder, "I love family puzzle night," she says with a contented sigh.

And, all of a sudden, there it is: I'm content, relaxed.  I'm happy.

CLICK.

Just trying to reach as many fellow recovering people as possible to meet up at PJ20! We're still ironing out the details, but check out our discussion and feel free to chime in here: http://community.pearljam.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=160390&p=3866805#p3866805

i shit and i stink wrote:

Hugh Freaking Dillon wrote:

i shit and i stink wrote:

Love it, leave it or change it.

:idea:

well well! how silly of me then since it's that easy!

I didn't mean to be rude. I was in the same dilemma as you and it boiled down to three options.

Love it: I could just have accepted that I drank the way i drank and just love it instead of keep turning it over in my head but I couldn't do that and stop feeling the overwhelming guilt, so I tried to...

Change it: I drank different types of drink, tried to control what I drank and everything but I just couldn't really change how I drank. I still have the illusion that I can, which is dangerous for me. In the end, I decided to....

Leave it: by joining AA and not drinking any more.

It really is that easy. Every situation in life can basically be boiled down to these three choices. I still have all three open to me right now, I could drink again and love it or keep trying to change it, but instead I'm sticking with the "leave it" option for today.

On further analysis, this wisdom, taken from the motivational guru and economist professor Malik, is found in our serenity prayer.

fair enough. my bad, I took it the wrong way.

I'm so excited by this that I wanna write it here. We set up an English speaking meeting here 15 months ago with 4 of us... then there were 3... sometimes 2...

I really thought it was running it's course but today we had 14 people (and two regulars were missing!). Our first time in double figures. The message is spreading and people want what we have. I'm so excited by the amount of strength in the room today.