Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Thanks for sharing your story mickyrat. I always check this thread when I happen back to the forum. It's been at least 6 months. I just had my membership renewed - 4th year here. Holidays were emotionally horrible but I was not tempted to drink, I think having my anniversary right before the holiday triad is helpful. But it was very lonely and family problems made the holidays difficult in my mental health recovery. I love seeing all of the people who post here. The true feelings that are expressed to each other is what makes sobriety so special. There is so much bullshit going on in what's left of my family that I am sick of trying to make things right. I am allowing myself to be abused in order to keep my sister's family attached to my mother and I - and that became unacceptable and I have been banned by my brother in law - what a fucken dick - banned from my sister's home for family gatherings. He has said some horrible things to me, hit every button, said my sister hated me when she died. So I have to walk away from my family in order to not be bashed. I don't see my nieces - my sister would not want this to be happening, but I am powerless. I tried.
As for the higher power - I struggled with that sucker for a long time - it was a big impediment to my recovery. I would say 'how the hell is a higher power or God going to suddenly make me sober". I over thought it and kept relapsing. In the end, it was just letting things go. The final straw was my divorce and I wanted to counter him with allegations. This was not my son's father - we never married, he's a sociopath. This was when I was working in New York. Anyway, I was told by someone that what I wanted was what was getting in my way. And that was so true. My therapist at the time finally said to me 'let him say you were a prostitute on 42nd street if that makes him happy, who cares, doesn't make it true'. And one day I just said fuck it and let the whole damn thing go. Who cared, it was just false pride that was holding me onto this marriage, I didn't love him, I was just pissed that he was divorcing me - how dare he, and I hated the bullshit he said about me. But just because he said it, didn't make it true. So I let go, finally, and it was like having the weight of the world lifted. It was a long process and I kicked and screamed but in the end all the advice finally made it's way into my stubborn overthinking head. I was told i was too smart for my own good and that was going to impede my sobriety. It was true. My overthinking the God and higher power angle was just another way of not wanting to let go of my situation. I was going to get sober, not some amorphous being. But I couldn't stay sober two days in a row, so how the hell was I going to 'think' my way sober. It wasn't going to happen. I let go of the marriage and I let go of my fight about God - a higher power could be the positive feedback I received from the rooms. And that definitely was a higher power because the rooms knew how to stay sober and I had no clue. I don't know how, but I let go of a lot of shit and the person who had gone through 20 sponsors and was not expected to ever get sober was saved. By what, I have no clue. I have no idea why I don't want to drink because I have always wanted to drink or use. Always. It makes absolutely no sense, but I don't. And it's been over 20 years now - this was back in 1996. My higher power - whatever it is - is the 'thing' that clicked and brought all those statements people had been telling me when I wasn't receptive into focus at one time. It was the people, the rooms that 'got me, I didn't get the rooms'. I should be drunk right now. But I am sober. I can not be the one who made that possible. I made myself available to the rooms and people's advice, but I would overthink myself right back into a liquor store. Some other thing happened and it was just in a moment - I wanted to drink one day and the next I didn't. And it kept on that way day after day, meeting after meeting, tragedy after tragedy, joy after joy. It's not religious to me, it's spiritual. When I 'pray' I speak to my family members who have passed and ask them to watch over me. My dad died a month after I finally got sober and he was my touchstone to talk to instead of talking to myself. I hope that you find that moment when the fight goes away and you just let it go. I don't know if I believe in God, I was raised in Catholic schools but I have my doubts. I prefer to think of those who have passed or to think of nature. It could be a memento that reminds you of when you drank that you think of. Whatever works - but the overthinking is a killer - good luck to you!
Sorry for the rambling. I needed to just spill out something. I'm struggling with the Complex-PTSD (that's the one I have) and all the trauma and loss, I can't let it go - again - it is impeding my recovery. And my son - he calls and stops by but I am not in his life. I hope for the day he sees the lies and manipulation for what they are. Until then I have to work on me and be happy for things like I hugged my son today. Then he left - but I hugged him and he said he loved me. I'll take that for now.
Nancy, I'm so sorry for this shit. I admit I read quickly and will go back to absorb your post more fully - much candor and spillage - and IT'S OK. Don't apologize.
Just want to say for now, what stuck out the most is allowing anyone or anything to abuse you, regardless of method or end-result. Is the payoff worth it? What sacrifice of self are you making for that?
I apologize if crossing any lines. I've always admired your input, honest expression of experiences...hell, how you have risen above so much.
Still spill it out. Spit it out! Shout it, shout it out loud
Nancy. I love you so much Chick! You and I have had quite a few conversations over the last4 yrs. You still are the only other person I have ever 'met' with the diagnosis of Complex PTSD. It's a blessing to me to see you survive it too, because I totally know how it can screw up the best of moments in a milisecond.. As always you are an inspiration. A fellow survivor. I have found that often times, as survivors, we tend to overthink just in general. I often wonder if my overthinking is what saved me in some of the incidents that I have survived. Only now it is more detrimental than beneficial, and it drives me NUTS! I personally find that living in the moment tends to keep my focus on the here and now. It forces you to let go of each and every passing moment, and everything that occurred within it, in order to focus on the next. That and my faith in God. Unfortunately faith is so simple, it is very difficult for many to believe, because we can't fathom Grace in that capacity; it doesn't compute in our mortal brain. But I love God, like nothing I have ever lived before.. I love Him more than horses, and dogs, and music.. His grace and forgiveness is something I have never experienced in the mortal world; and all He asks, is that I believe He exists and He loves me.. it has changed my life. I wish more people could experience it.
Anyhow. I am praying and hoping you continue to find peace and hope in your life Nancy! Love you!
Nancy, I'm so sorry for this shit. I admit I read quickly and will go back to absorb your post more fully - much candor and spillage - and IT'S OK. Don't apologize.
Just want to say for now, what stuck out the most is allowing anyone or anything to abuse you, regardless of method or end-result. Is the payoff worth it? What sacrifice of self are you making for that?
I apologize if crossing any lines. I've always admired your input, honest expression of experiences...hell, how you have risen above so much.
Still spill it out. Spit it out! Shout it, shout it out loud
So true Hedo. I was just saying to another forum member earlier today, that people seem to reason out that a toxic relationship is better than none at all. I have never understood that. Maybe because I suffered enough abuse to realize that my experience was not the norm. I don't know.. I just know that coming to that realization so young in life warped my perception of healthy love, and relationships. So that I have spent my life alone, except for the drunken instances where I was so desperate that I forgot this, and did the exact same thing. Didn't understand it myself, any more than in anyone else.
Thanks for sharing your story mickyrat. I always check this thread when I happen back to the forum. It's been at least 6 months. I just had my membership renewed - 4th year here. Holidays were emotionally horrible but I was not tempted to drink, I think having my anniversary right before the holiday triad is helpful. But it was very lonely and family problems made the holidays difficult in my mental health recovery. I love seeing all of the people who post here. The true feelings that are expressed to each other is what makes sobriety so special. There is so much bullshit going on in what's left of my family that I am sick of trying to make things right. I am allowing myself to be abused in order to keep my sister's family attached to my mother and I - and that became unacceptable and I have been banned by my brother in law - what a fucken dick - banned from my sister's home for family gatherings. He has said some horrible things to me, hit every button, said my sister hated me when she died. So I have to walk away from my family in order to not be bashed. I don't see my nieces - my sister would not want this to be happening, but I am powerless. I tried.
As for the higher power - I struggled with that sucker for a long time - it was a big impediment to my recovery. I would say 'how the hell is a higher power or God going to suddenly make me sober". I over thought it and kept relapsing. In the end, it was just letting things go. The final straw was my divorce and I wanted to counter him with allegations. This was not my son's father - we never married, he's a sociopath. This was when I was working in New York. Anyway, I was told by someone that what I wanted was what was getting in my way. And that was so true. My therapist at the time finally said to me 'let him say you were a prostitute on 42nd street if that makes him happy, who cares, doesn't make it true'. And one day I just said fuck it and let the whole damn thing go. Who cared, it was just false pride that was holding me onto this marriage, I didn't love him, I was just pissed that he was divorcing me - how dare he, and I hated the bullshit he said about me. But just because he said it, didn't make it true. So I let go, finally, and it was like having the weight of the world lifted. It was a long process and I kicked and screamed but in the end all the advice finally made it's way into my stubborn overthinking head. I was told i was too smart for my own good and that was going to impede my sobriety. It was true. My overthinking the God and higher power angle was just another way of not wanting to let go of my situation. I was going to get sober, not some amorphous being. But I couldn't stay sober two days in a row, so how the hell was I going to 'think' my way sober. It wasn't going to happen. I let go of the marriage and I let go of my fight about God - a higher power could be the positive feedback I received from the rooms. And that definitely was a higher power because the rooms knew how to stay sober and I had no clue. I don't know how, but I let go of a lot of shit and the person who had gone through 20 sponsors and was not expected to ever get sober was saved. By what, I have no clue. I have no idea why I don't want to drink because I have always wanted to drink or use. Always. It makes absolutely no sense, but I don't. And it's been over 20 years now - this was back in 1996. My higher power - whatever it is - is the 'thing' that clicked and brought all those statements people had been telling me when I wasn't receptive into focus at one time. It was the people, the rooms that 'got me, I didn't get the rooms'. I should be drunk right now. But I am sober. I can not be the one who made that possible. I made myself available to the rooms and people's advice, but I would overthink myself right back into a liquor store. Some other thing happened and it was just in a moment - I wanted to drink one day and the next I didn't. And it kept on that way day after day, meeting after meeting, tragedy after tragedy, joy after joy. It's not religious to me, it's spiritual. When I 'pray' I speak to my family members who have passed and ask them to watch over me. My dad died a month after I finally got sober and he was my touchstone to talk to instead of talking to myself. I hope that you find that moment when the fight goes away and you just let it go. I don't know if I believe in God, I was raised in Catholic schools but I have my doubts. I prefer to think of those who have passed or to think of nature. It could be a memento that reminds you of when you drank that you think of. Whatever works - but the overthinking is a killer - good luck to you!
Sorry for the rambling. I needed to just spill out something. I'm struggling with the Complex-PTSD (that's the one I have) and all the trauma and loss, I can't let it go - again - it is impeding my recovery. And my son - he calls and stops by but I am not in his life. I hope for the day he sees the lies and manipulation for what they are. Until then I have to work on me and be happy for things like I hugged my son today. Then he left - but I hugged him and he said he loved me. I'll take that for now.
Love you all. Thanks for being here.
this right here is what the line "trudging the road to happy destiny" is all about .
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
alcoholism is a bitch. my sister's estranged husband died over the weekend. 45 years old. his doctor told him a year or two ago that if he kept drinking he would die (when he was getting his abdomen drained of some fluid). doc was right. now my 8 year old nephew is fatherless.
my heart aches for that boy.
"Oh Canada...you're beautiful when you're drunk" -EV 8/14/93
alcoholism is a bitch. my sister's estranged husband died over the weekend. 45 years old. his doctor told him a year or two ago that if he kept drinking he would die (when he was getting his abdomen drained of some fluid). doc was right. now my 8 year old nephew is fatherless.
my heart aches for that boy.
I'm sorry for your family's loss, HughFD. 45 is way too young. My thoughts are with your nephew. Alcoholism is indeed a bitch.
thanks folks. before alcohol took him over, he and I were very close. he was in my wedding party of 3. he tried to get help many times, but none of them stuck. in the end he lost all his family and all his friends, even his hard drinking ones couldn't take him anymore. it's just so sad.
kudos to anyone who is able to fight back the demons and survive. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult.
"Oh Canada...you're beautiful when you're drunk" -EV 8/14/93
Comments
Every day is a milestone, really.
on THIS day 11 yrs ago, I was offered and accepted admission to a long term in patient drug and alcohol rehab.......
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
As for the higher power - I struggled with that sucker for a long time - it was a big impediment to my recovery. I would say 'how the hell is a higher power or God going to suddenly make me sober". I over thought it and kept relapsing. In the end, it was just letting things go. The final straw was my divorce and I wanted to counter him with allegations. This was not my son's father - we never married, he's a sociopath. This was when I was working in New York.
Anyway, I was told by someone that what I wanted was what was getting in my way. And that was so true. My therapist at the time finally said to me 'let him say you were a prostitute on 42nd street if that makes him happy, who cares, doesn't make it true'. And one day I just said fuck it and let the whole damn thing go. Who cared, it was just false pride that was holding me onto this marriage, I didn't love him, I was just pissed that he was divorcing me - how dare he, and I hated the bullshit he said about me. But just because he said it, didn't make it true. So I let go, finally, and it was like having the weight of the world lifted. It was a long process and I kicked and screamed but in the end all the advice finally made it's way into my stubborn overthinking head. I was told i was too smart for my own good and that was going to impede my sobriety. It was true. My overthinking the God and higher power angle was just another way of not wanting to let go of my situation. I was going to get sober, not some amorphous being. But I couldn't stay sober two days in a row, so how the hell was I going to 'think' my way sober. It wasn't going to happen. I let go of the marriage and I let go of my fight about God - a higher power could be the positive feedback I received from the rooms. And that definitely was a higher power because the rooms knew how to stay sober and I had no clue. I don't know how, but I let go of a lot of shit and the person who had gone through 20 sponsors and was not expected to ever get sober was saved. By what, I have no clue. I have no idea why I don't want to drink because I have always wanted to drink or use. Always. It makes absolutely no sense, but I don't. And it's been over 20 years now - this was back in 1996.
My higher power - whatever it is - is the 'thing' that clicked and brought all those statements people had been telling me when I wasn't receptive into focus at one time. It was the people, the rooms that 'got me, I didn't get the rooms'. I should be drunk right now. But I am sober. I can not be the one who made that possible. I made myself available to the rooms and people's advice, but I would overthink myself right back into a liquor store. Some other thing happened and it was just in a moment - I wanted to drink one day and the next I didn't. And it kept on that way day after day, meeting after meeting, tragedy after tragedy, joy after joy. It's not religious to me, it's spiritual. When I 'pray' I speak to my family members who have passed and ask them to watch over me. My dad died a month after I finally got sober and he was my touchstone to talk to instead of talking to myself. I hope that you find that moment when the fight goes away and you just let it go. I don't know if I believe in God, I was raised in Catholic schools but I have my doubts. I prefer to think of those who have passed or to think of nature. It could be a memento that reminds you of when you drank that you think of.
Whatever works - but the overthinking is a killer - good luck to you!
Sorry for the rambling. I needed to just spill out something. I'm struggling with the Complex-PTSD (that's the one I have) and all the trauma and loss, I can't let it go - again - it is impeding my recovery. And my son - he calls and stops by but I am not in his life. I hope for the day he sees the lies and manipulation for what they are. Until then I have to work on me and be happy for things like I hugged my son today. Then he left - but I hugged him and he said he loved me. I'll take that for now.
Love you all. Thanks for being here.
Just want to say for now, what stuck out the most is allowing anyone or anything to abuse you, regardless of method or end-result. Is the payoff worth it? What sacrifice of self are you making for that?
I apologize if crossing any lines. I've always admired your input, honest expression of experiences...hell, how you have risen above so much.
Still spill it out. Spit it out! Shout it, shout it out loud
As always you are an inspiration. A fellow survivor. I have found that often times, as survivors, we tend to overthink just in general. I often wonder if my overthinking is what saved me in some of the incidents that I have survived. Only now it is more detrimental than beneficial, and it drives me NUTS! I personally find that living in the moment tends to keep my focus on the here and now. It forces you to let go of each and every passing moment, and everything that occurred within it, in order to focus on the next. That and my faith in God. Unfortunately faith is so simple, it is very difficult for many to believe, because we can't fathom Grace in that capacity; it doesn't compute in our mortal brain. But I love God, like nothing I have ever lived before.. I love Him more than horses, and dogs, and music.. His grace and forgiveness is something I have never experienced in the mortal world; and all He asks, is that I believe He exists and He loves me.. it has changed my life. I wish more people could experience it.
Anyhow. I am praying and hoping you continue to find peace and hope in your life Nancy! Love you!
keep on keeping on nancy......
and thank you for sharing
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
as for the rest of us
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Proud of you, sister.
Fuckus rules all
Rob
Seattle
my heart aches for that boy.
-EV 8/14/93
Alcoholism is indeed a bitch.
All diseases are a bitch.
kudos to anyone who is able to fight back the demons and survive. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult.
-EV 8/14/93
Fuckus rules all
Rob
Seattle
Having said that, I'm calling bullshit on the cleanliness part.
I hope you know how fucking awesome you are.