My Drama AT Home With My Teenager.....

g under p · July 2011

I wasn't sure whether to post this or not but many times from AMT good advice CAN still come forth.

Well, I have a teenage stepson (just turned 15 last week) whom my fiance found out he was surfing gay sights and chatting about things they can do to each other, how big his is yours how big is mine to an adult etc. She called me about it and told her what i think she should do until I get home. We have two boys 15 and 13....ask the youngest first since it was his laptop (100% sure it wasn't him) then ask our 15 year old and hear what he says. Just make the point of the dangers of going on such sites, that you have to be an adult to be there and how teens can be lured to do things that can put him in danger. The fact that he could be gay we'll deal with at another time. He does have anger issues with my daughter, his 21 year old sister but mostly his mother.....he likes to come up with derogitory names for them outside of my presence.

Now I'm NOT shocked by this revelation, we ALL in a house of 7 pretty much knew this possibility just not that he would search gay sites on his brother's laptop. Unfortunately I'm not home when this happended and my other half will handle this until I get back home, she is very firey, blunt and may just push him into a caccoon. His embarassment may push him further away from everyone. Mostly his father (whom he's NOT close to at all) who is a streetwise macho kind of a guy and this kind of situation he has no patience for.

I await how things will go later today when my fiancee talks to him. So I ask your thoughts on this situation on how and what I might say to him upon my return?

Peace

cincybearcat · July 2011

Wow, tough one.

I would focus, as you said, on the personal safety issues with those sites and the people on them regardless of the content (straight or gay).

I think you need to then broach the subject of him being gay. He is probably sitting in front of a computer and doing this because he actually feels SAFER doing it then having to talk face to face with people. Let him know that whoever he is is who he is and if he would like to talk about it, you are free or you would also help him find a safe place to have that type of a conversation (counselor). If he feels safe talking about it with someone in person, he hopefully won't put himself at risk with the sleezy scumbags on an internet site.

Prince Of Dorkness · July 2011

Wow.

I think that this is the first time here that I get to put on my professional gay adult movie producer hat and do something helpful.

Teenagers are teenagers. Gay male teenagers are more often socially repressed by peers and family and for the vast majority of them, their only way to reach out to an accepting community is to go online. There are few places for gay youth on the internet (although refer him to emptyclosets.com which is perfect for a young man his age) and they often have rather warped ideas of what they need to do to fit in.

We sexualize our kids young in America. So you can't blame them for acting out on it. This stuff happens.

Your biggest mistake is to "deal with the fact that he could be gay later." That's kinda the root of the whole issue. Treat the cause and not the symptoms.

Because the problem is that he's angry, he's frustrated and he's just trying to find a place to fit in. Just trying to find a friendly ear. Sadly, he did it on a site meant for older men... not guys his own age. Lashing out at family, particularly female family members, is a symptom of how heterosexuality is jammed down his throat on a daily basis and he just wants some escape from it.

So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with.

And that's all.

You can't stop 15 year old boys from being sexually curious. It's in his DNA.

pandora · July 2011

I think the teens might not like being talked about on the internet.

My kids in their mid 20's told me right off no personal problems shared...
past or present

this why everyone here thinks my life is bliss

Prince Of Dorkness · July 2011

And by the way...

I've had this conversation a thousand times.

Parents calling to find out why their son's credit card was charged $19 per month for the last year...

and then when you explain what site it is, they go... "oh... OH..... ooohhhh...."

and I always say "now, don't be too hard on him... this is hard on him enough.. this is all he's got. Just let him know it's ok... he's not in trouble this time and that he just shouldn't do it again."

shortstack · July 2011

i don't feel a 13 or 15 year old should have unsupervised access to a laptop.
i would not mention the porn site visits this time and put some restrictions on their internet use.

polaris_x · July 2011

be open and honest ... his anger is best dealt with by understanding the root of that anger ... if it's based on an oppression of his sexuality then perhaps its letting him know that he is loved regardless of that sexuality ...

shortstack · July 2011

i agree with showing him "extra" love and understanding
but you don't even need to bring up his sexuality....let him do it in his own time

satansbed · July 2011

Prince Of Dorkness wrote:

Wow.

I think that this is the first time here that I get to put on my professional gay adult movie producer hat and do something helpful.

Teenagers are teenagers. Gay male teenagers are more often socially repressed by peers and family and for the vast majority of them, their only way to reach out to an accepting community is to go online. There are few places for gay youth on the internet (although refer him to emptyclosets.com which is perfect for a young man his age) and they often have rather warped ideas of what they need to do to fit in.

We sexualize our kids young in America. So you can't blame them for acting out on it. This stuff happens.

Your biggest mistake is to "deal with the fact that he could be gay later." That's kinda the root of the whole issue. Treat the cause and not the symptoms.

Because the problem is that he's angry, he's frustrated and he's just trying to find a place to fit in. Just trying to find a friendly ear. Sadly, he did it on a site meant for older men... not guys his own age. Lashing out at family, particularly female family members, is a symptom of how heterosexuality is jammed down his throat on a daily basis and he just wants some escape from it.

So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with.

And that's all.

You can't stop 15 year old boys from being sexually curious. It's in his DNA.

this is pretty much what i would say too, when i was 15, 16 i was looking up porn(albeit not gay porn) just because as a 15 year old your hormones are raging and you don't have an outlet yet.

i don't know where you live, but google centres like this one in your area http://www.centeronhalsted.org/home.cfm if it turns out he is actually gay (he could be just curious) these centres seem like good areas for young gay males to go and where they can stay safe.

from what i gather its safe to say your the father figure, and father figure you can trust would seem to be a big deal with dealing with coming out, so just talk to him, tell him its okay, tell him he should come out in his own time, and that he can tell you things that you won't tell anybody else

and tell his mother that if everybody continues to love him he will be okay

g under p · July 2011

Prince Of Dorkness wrote:

Wow.

I think that this is the first time here that I get to put on my professional gay adult movie producer hat and do something helpful.

Teenagers are teenagers. Gay male teenagers are more often socially repressed by peers and family and for the vast majority of them, their only way to reach out to an accepting community is to go online. There are few places for gay youth on the internet (although refer him to emptyclosets.com which is perfect for a young man his age) and they often have rather warped ideas of what they need to do to fit in.

We sexualize our kids young in America. So you can't blame them for acting out on it. This stuff happens.

Your biggest mistake is to "deal with the fact that he could be gay later." That's kinda the root of the whole issue. Treat the cause and not the symptoms.

Because the problem is that he's angry, he's frustrated and he's just trying to find a place to fit in. Just trying to find a friendly ear. Sadly, he did it on a site meant for older men... not guys his own age. Lashing out at family, particularly female family members, is a symptom of how heterosexuality is jammed down his throat on a daily basis and he just wants some escape from it.

So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with.

And that's all.

You can't stop 15 year old boys from being sexually curious. It's in his DNA.

from it.

So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with.

And that's all.

You can't stop 15 year old boys from being sexually curious. It's in his DNA.

POD this is as spot on as can be and I thank you.

My fiance did talk to him today...she had pocession of the lap top and while she was away he took it and deleted the sites he had visited and the chatting he participated in a few days ago. So she asked him and he went balistic, crying screaming and blaming his brother. Well she asked the 13 year old and he hasn't even used the laptop in 2 weeks and has no clue or knowlodge of these sites.

She told him the dangers of these sites and NOT to visit them anymore on his brother's computer and his own. I have go but at the moment he's in seclusion in his room. I told her to take them out to dinner but not to bring this subject up while at dinner.

As for to deal with this later comment I meant to say that it would much better that I sat down and talk to him. Mainly because i have the patience and understanding to tell him we WILL LOVE him just the same no matter what kind of sexual preference he chooses later in life. He already knows I will understand his choice...my best friend and his partner are gay and one will be my best man at our wedding. He's met them and knows I have no prejudices against anyone who may have a gay lifestyle.

We will talk not in a way to punish but more to understand his feelings and to let him know he will be loved no matter what.

edit: I wasn't able to post this earlier...

Peace

Prince Of Dorkness · July 2011

g under p wrote:

As for to deal with this later comment I meant to say that it would much better that I sat down and talk to him. Mainly because i have the patience and understanding to tell him we WILL LOVE him just the same no matter what kind of sexual preference he chooses later in life. He already knows I will understand his choice...my best friend and his partner are gay and one will be my best man at our wedding. He's met them and knows I have no prejudices against anyone who may have a gay lifestyle.

OK... first... VERY good for you that you're so supportive and I wish every gay teenager coming out had that.

You wanna shy away from words like "choice" or "lifestyle" which suggest that he could be straight if he wanted it enough or that all gay people are the same. I know you don't think that but to his ears, it'll sound like that.

Might not be a bad idea to maybe go to a few PFLAG meetings... it'll not only help you navigate your way through this, although it doesn't sound like it's gonna be hard... it could also be a way for you to find out where HE could meet other guys his age.

When I was 18 I volunteered as a facilitator for a gay youth group and it was SO great to have a place where you could just make friends without having to go to a bar or some sex venue. He might not even know that exists.

Right now he's most likely feeling humiliated, scared, over-whelemd by the experience of being outed in such a grand and shocking way. He'll be fine. But it will take some time.

Oh, and rent both seasons of Glee. Or buy them on iTunes. Just trust me.

even flow - question mark · July 2011

Just a question. Do you think he was born that way? Or was it a choice?

Anyhow you can ream him out (no pun intended) for visiting a site like that at his age. But you can't change who he is.

SPEEDY MCCREADY · July 2011

I know one thing....

If I was a teenager, and I found out my parents were discussing my personal life on the internet.....

I would be PISSED!!!!!

Just sayin....

Some things should stay within the family...

Just sayin....

redrock · July 2011

Prince Of Dorkness wrote:

So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with..

Personally, I don't like this 'it OK to be gay, accepting him no matter what, etc. I find that quite 'negative' in a way, especially the 'accepting him' bit. Or as g under p said 'we will love him just the same'. His sexual preferences are really a non-issue when it comes to acceptance/loving him, etc. and I don't even think this should be brought up in a conversation. The last bit of this extract of the post, ie the inappropriateness of using his brother's laptop and the adult chatrooms as well as finding guys his own age, I agree with. He may feel attracted to men only, or attracted to men and women - he needs to discover safely. Any 'chat' that you or his mother may have with him should be focusing on this, like with any teen, whatever their preferences may be.

in eds tree · July 2011

[Personally, I don't like this 'it OK to be gay, accepting him no matter what, etc. I find that quite 'negative' in a way, especially the 'accepting him' bit. Or as g under p said 'we will love him just the same'. His sexual preferences are really a non-issue when it comes to acceptance/loving him, etc. and I don't even think this should be brought up in a conversation. The last bit of this extract of the post, ie the inappropriateness of using his brother's laptop and the adult chatrooms as well as finding guys his own age, I agree with. He may feel attracted to men only, or attracted to men and women - he needs to discover safely. Any 'chat' that you or his mother may have with him should be focusing on this, like with any teen, whatever their preferences may be.]
-i totally didn't quote this right it's all messed up :P

i get where you're coming from, but unfortunately it seems that sometimes the main reason that people are scared to come out of the closet is either because they, or someone they know, feel like maybe it is NOT ok, maybe my parents WON'T love me the same. I think it is perfectly acceptable to reassure your child that none of these issues are the case. his sexual preferences may not be an issues to YOU when it comes to loving/accepting him...but how does HE know that unless you tell him? there is a chasm between generations at the moment, whereas myself (29 years old) and my peers (and even younger generations) for the most part don't see sexual preference as a means of judging someone, much as judging someone on their race is largely a non-issue for modern generations. however, not everyone shares this view, and it is important to remember this. of course you should focus on safety, but i think you may be remiss to ignore the very important (at least to him) issue of his sexuality.

redrock · July 2011

in eds tree... maybe you are right. At home, we never made a difference between sexual preferences when speaking about 'those things' with my daughter and we don't 'see' a difference (ie them and us). Same with race, etc. Though my daughter likes boys, should it come to her liking a girl, I don't think she will even say 'hey mum, by the way... I'm gay.'. It will just be 'this is ..insert whatever girl name you want.., we're going out. Just like she would with a boy...

But I do understand that this may not be the case in many homes.

pandora · July 2011

It is best to stand in your children's shoes as it is with anyone you meet.

If you were them what would you want?

What, if you were them, are you expecting, what, if you are them,
are you needing from your family?

Trust and respecting one's privacy are important parts of teen parent relationships,
as all relationships.

I go back to the fact if I were a teen learning about myself, who I was,
feeling vulnerable,

I would not want the world to know this here on the internet.

I would want my privacy respected,
most especially on something so personal as my sexuality.

Who Princess · July 2011

I realize that for most situations when parenting teenagers, it would seem inconsiderate to ask for advice on an internet message board. In this case, I don't know whether it's a good idea or not, but I understand why the OP might choose to do it. There are precious few resources out there for how to parent a gay teen. It seemed to me that he was at a loss on where to find information and was reaching out for suggestions.

I don't have kids so far be it from me to advise anyone how to parent. However, I have many gay friends and spent 5 years working for an AIDS service organization in the early 90s, where most of my co-workers and clients were gay men. Estrangement from families was a commonplace issue in many of their lives.

Two resources that I would suggest are Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and the book Beyond Acceptance.

redrock · July 2011

Just a lil' thought... fingers are starting to point at the OP, tut-tut'ing him for speaking of/asking advice on personal matters relating to his family. Is this so different to threads on the AET doing the same? Sure we are speaking of a teen but if this 'outrage' is about privacy and how the people being discussed would feel about it, it's the same for everyone, regardless of age or relationship. Should therefore no personal issues be discussed on these forums unless it is to do with the poster, and the poster only (eg. I can't get it up - and not 'my partner can't get it up', etc.)?

Sorry I digressed from the subject of the thread.

Some may have tangible suggestions for him.

tybird · July 2011

Prince Of Dorkness wrote:

Wow.

I think that this is the first time here that I get to put on my professional gay adult movie producer hat and do something helpful.

Teenagers are teenagers. Gay male teenagers are more often socially repressed by peers and family and for the vast majority of them, their only way to reach out to an accepting community is to go online. There are few places for gay youth on the internet (although refer him to emptyclosets.com which is perfect for a young man his age) and they often have rather warped ideas of what they need to do to fit in.

We sexualize our kids young in America. So you can't blame them for acting out on it. This stuff happens.

Your biggest mistake is to "deal with the fact that he could be gay later." That's kinda the root of the whole issue. Treat the cause and not the symptoms.

Because the problem is that he's angry, he's frustrated and he's just trying to find a place to fit in. Just trying to find a friendly ear. Sadly, he did it on a site meant for older men... not guys his own age. Lashing out at family, particularly female family members, is a symptom of how heterosexuality is jammed down his throat on a daily basis and he just wants some escape from it.

So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with.

And that's all.

You can't stop 15 year old boys from being sexually curious. It's in his DNA.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

pandora · July 2011

It is very different discussing personal information about
your teen/young adult child without their consent,
than discussing a small child that requires general parenting advice.
Or even love advice between 2 adults, or neighbor or work related
relationship problems.

If adults can't see the difference then they are not grasping teen/ young adult years,
nor respecting boundaries and privacy, not understanding the embarrassment if a peer
took this info and ran with it.

When my boy turned 13, now 14 years ago, his words for his Dad and I were
"why don't parents remember what it is like being a kid?"

these words have stayed with me to this day.

his meaning ... stand in my shoes, take your head back to the most confusing time of your life.
Understand thats all, just remember and understand.

As I said I would not want my parents to have identified me and my problems on the internet.

That would have upset me and I would have felt betrayed.

My Drama AT Home With My Teenager.....

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