My Drama AT Home With My Teenager.....
g under p
Surfing The far side of THE Sombrero Galaxy Posts: 18,200
I wasn't sure whether to post this or not but many times from AMT good advice CAN still come forth.
Well, I have a teenage stepson (just turned 15 last week) whom my fiance found out he was surfing gay sights and chatting about things they can do to each other, how big his is yours how big is mine to an adult etc. She called me about it and told her what i think she should do until I get home. We have two boys 15 and 13....ask the youngest first since it was his laptop (100% sure it wasn't him) then ask our 15 year old and hear what he says. Just make the point of the dangers of going on such sites, that you have to be an adult to be there and how teens can be lured to do things that can put him in danger. The fact that he could be gay we'll deal with at another time. He does have anger issues with my daughter, his 21 year old sister but mostly his mother.....he likes to come up with derogitory names for them outside of my presence.
Now I'm NOT shocked by this revelation, we ALL in a house of 7 pretty much knew this possibility just not that he would search gay sites on his brother's laptop. Unfortunately I'm not home when this happended and my other half will handle this until I get back home, she is very firey, blunt and may just push him into a caccoon. His embarassment may push him further away from everyone. Mostly his father (whom he's NOT close to at all) who is a streetwise macho kind of a guy and this kind of situation he has no patience for.
I await how things will go later today when my fiancee talks to him. So I ask your thoughts on this situation on how and what I might say to him upon my return?
Peace
Well, I have a teenage stepson (just turned 15 last week) whom my fiance found out he was surfing gay sights and chatting about things they can do to each other, how big his is yours how big is mine to an adult etc. She called me about it and told her what i think she should do until I get home. We have two boys 15 and 13....ask the youngest first since it was his laptop (100% sure it wasn't him) then ask our 15 year old and hear what he says. Just make the point of the dangers of going on such sites, that you have to be an adult to be there and how teens can be lured to do things that can put him in danger. The fact that he could be gay we'll deal with at another time. He does have anger issues with my daughter, his 21 year old sister but mostly his mother.....he likes to come up with derogitory names for them outside of my presence.
Now I'm NOT shocked by this revelation, we ALL in a house of 7 pretty much knew this possibility just not that he would search gay sites on his brother's laptop. Unfortunately I'm not home when this happended and my other half will handle this until I get back home, she is very firey, blunt and may just push him into a caccoon. His embarassment may push him further away from everyone. Mostly his father (whom he's NOT close to at all) who is a streetwise macho kind of a guy and this kind of situation he has no patience for.
I await how things will go later today when my fiancee talks to him. So I ask your thoughts on this situation on how and what I might say to him upon my return?
Peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
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I would focus, as you said, on the personal safety issues with those sites and the people on them regardless of the content (straight or gay).
I think you need to then broach the subject of him being gay. He is probably sitting in front of a computer and doing this because he actually feels SAFER doing it then having to talk face to face with people. Let him know that whoever he is is who he is and if he would like to talk about it, you are free or you would also help him find a safe place to have that type of a conversation (counselor). If he feels safe talking about it with someone in person, he hopefully won't put himself at risk with the sleezy scumbags on an internet site.
I think that this is the first time here that I get to put on my professional gay adult movie producer hat and do something helpful.
Teenagers are teenagers. Gay male teenagers are more often socially repressed by peers and family and for the vast majority of them, their only way to reach out to an accepting community is to go online. There are few places for gay youth on the internet (although refer him to emptyclosets.com which is perfect for a young man his age) and they often have rather warped ideas of what they need to do to fit in.
We sexualize our kids young in America. So you can't blame them for acting out on it. This stuff happens.
Your biggest mistake is to "deal with the fact that he could be gay later." That's kinda the root of the whole issue. Treat the cause and not the symptoms.
Because the problem is that he's angry, he's frustrated and he's just trying to find a place to fit in. Just trying to find a friendly ear. Sadly, he did it on a site meant for older men... not guys his own age. Lashing out at family, particularly female family members, is a symptom of how heterosexuality is jammed down his throat on a daily basis and he just wants some escape from it.
So letting him know that it's OK to be gay... he hasn't done anything wrong... he isn't in trouble... you'll accept him no matter what but that using his brother's laptop like that isn't appropriate and that you want him to try to find guys his own age to be friends with.
And that's all.
You can't stop 15 year old boys from being sexually curious. It's in his DNA.
My kids in their mid 20's told me right off no personal problems shared...
past or present
this why everyone here thinks my life is bliss
I've had this conversation a thousand times.
Parents calling to find out why their son's credit card was charged $19 per month for the last year...
and then when you explain what site it is, they go... "oh... OH..... ooohhhh...."
and I always say "now, don't be too hard on him... this is hard on him enough.. this is all he's got. Just let him know it's ok... he's not in trouble this time and that he just shouldn't do it again."
i would not mention the porn site visits this time and put some restrictions on their internet use.
but you don't even need to bring up his sexuality....let him do it in his own time
this is pretty much what i would say too, when i was 15, 16 i was looking up porn(albeit not gay porn) just because as a 15 year old your hormones are raging and you don't have an outlet yet.
i don't know where you live, but google centres like this one in your area http://www.centeronhalsted.org/home.cfm if it turns out he is actually gay (he could be just curious) these centres seem like good areas for young gay males to go and where they can stay safe.
from what i gather its safe to say your the father figure, and father figure you can trust would seem to be a big deal with dealing with coming out, so just talk to him, tell him its okay, tell him he should come out in his own time, and that he can tell you things that you won't tell anybody else
and tell his mother that if everybody continues to love him he will be okay
POD this is as spot on as can be and I thank you.
My fiance did talk to him today...she had pocession of the lap top and while she was away he took it and deleted the sites he had visited and the chatting he participated in a few days ago. So she asked him and he went balistic, crying screaming and blaming his brother. Well she asked the 13 year old and he hasn't even used the laptop in 2 weeks and has no clue or knowlodge of these sites.
She told him the dangers of these sites and NOT to visit them anymore on his brother's computer and his own. I have go but at the moment he's in seclusion in his room. I told her to take them out to dinner but not to bring this subject up while at dinner.
As for to deal with this later comment I meant to say that it would much better that I sat down and talk to him. Mainly because i have the patience and understanding to tell him we WILL LOVE him just the same no matter what kind of sexual preference he chooses later in life. He already knows I will understand his choice...my best friend and his partner are gay and one will be my best man at our wedding. He's met them and knows I have no prejudices against anyone who may have a gay lifestyle.
We will talk not in a way to punish but more to understand his feelings and to let him know he will be loved no matter what.
edit: I wasn't able to post this earlier...
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
OK... first... VERY good for you that you're so supportive and I wish every gay teenager coming out had that.
You wanna shy away from words like "choice" or "lifestyle" which suggest that he could be straight if he wanted it enough or that all gay people are the same. I know you don't think that but to his ears, it'll sound like that.
Might not be a bad idea to maybe go to a few PFLAG meetings... it'll not only help you navigate your way through this, although it doesn't sound like it's gonna be hard... it could also be a way for you to find out where HE could meet other guys his age.
When I was 18 I volunteered as a facilitator for a gay youth group and it was SO great to have a place where you could just make friends without having to go to a bar or some sex venue. He might not even know that exists.
Right now he's most likely feeling humiliated, scared, over-whelemd by the experience of being outed in such a grand and shocking way. He'll be fine. But it will take some time.
Oh, and rent both seasons of Glee. Or buy them on iTunes. Just trust me.
Anyhow you can ream him out (no pun intended) for visiting a site like that at his age. But you can't change who he is.
The poison from the poison stream caught up to you ELEVEN years ago and you floated out of here. Sept. 14, 08
If I was a teenager, and I found out my parents were discussing my personal life on the internet.....
I would be PISSED!!!!!
Just sayin....
Some things should stay within the family...
Just sayin....
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
Personally, I don't like this 'it OK to be gay, accepting him no matter what, etc. I find that quite 'negative' in a way, especially the 'accepting him' bit. Or as g under p said 'we will love him just the same'. His sexual preferences are really a non-issue when it comes to acceptance/loving him, etc. and I don't even think this should be brought up in a conversation. The last bit of this extract of the post, ie the inappropriateness of using his brother's laptop and the adult chatrooms as well as finding guys his own age, I agree with. He may feel attracted to men only, or attracted to men and women - he needs to discover safely. Any 'chat' that you or his mother may have with him should be focusing on this, like with any teen, whatever their preferences may be.
-i totally didn't quote this right it's all messed up :P
i get where you're coming from, but unfortunately it seems that sometimes the main reason that people are scared to come out of the closet is either because they, or someone they know, feel like maybe it is NOT ok, maybe my parents WON'T love me the same. I think it is perfectly acceptable to reassure your child that none of these issues are the case. his sexual preferences may not be an issues to YOU when it comes to loving/accepting him...but how does HE know that unless you tell him? there is a chasm between generations at the moment, whereas myself (29 years old) and my peers (and even younger generations) for the most part don't see sexual preference as a means of judging someone, much as judging someone on their race is largely a non-issue for modern generations. however, not everyone shares this view, and it is important to remember this. of course you should focus on safety, but i think you may be remiss to ignore the very important (at least to him) issue of his sexuality.
But I do understand that this may not be the case in many homes.
If you were them what would you want?
What, if you were them, are you expecting, what, if you are them,
are you needing from your family?
Trust and respecting one's privacy are important parts of teen parent relationships,
as all relationships.
I go back to the fact if I were a teen learning about myself, who I was,
feeling vulnerable,
I would not want the world to know this here on the internet.
I would want my privacy respected,
most especially on something so personal as my sexuality.
I don't have kids so far be it from me to advise anyone how to parent. However, I have many gay friends and spent 5 years working for an AIDS service organization in the early 90s, where most of my co-workers and clients were gay men. Estrangement from families was a commonplace issue in many of their lives.
Two resources that I would suggest are Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and the book Beyond Acceptance.
Sorry I digressed from the subject of the thread.
Some may have tangible suggestions for him.
your teen/young adult child without their consent,
than discussing a small child that requires general parenting advice.
Or even love advice between 2 adults, or neighbor or work related
relationship problems.
If adults can't see the difference then they are not grasping teen/ young adult years,
nor respecting boundaries and privacy, not understanding the embarrassment if a peer
took this info and ran with it.
When my boy turned 13, now 14 years ago, his words for his Dad and I were
"why don't parents remember what it is like being a kid?"
these words have stayed with me to this day.
his meaning ... stand in my shoes, take your head back to the most confusing time of your life.
Understand thats all, just remember and understand.
As I said I would not want my parents to have identified me and my problems on the internet.
That would have upset me and I would have felt betrayed.
Not different at all (except for the small child bit). Personal is personal, privacy is privacy - teen or adult. All may suffer the same embarrassment (or not) when they are 'exposed' by others. Would your man appreciate you sharing his most intimate, embarrassing and private matters with people on this board (say he wets his bed? Or maybe he has some really revolting/foul habits?). I'm guessing not seeing he may bump into some of them at gigs and such - he would be a laughing stock, wouldn't he? Adults can 'take the info and run with it' to further embarrass/bully just like teens. You may say that adults should be able to deal with it better but not always.
Was the OP right to talk about his worries regarding his teen and seek advice here? Personally, I wouldn't but some others are not so bothered to do so. If it's advice he seeks, maybe some people can help (there have been a couple of good suggestions already). Let's not dump on him and surreptitiously 'accuse' him of being a bad parent.
You're saying since I respect the privacy of both my teen and my husband equally, I cannot grasp my teen... hmmmm.... wrong!
This is the last I say about the 'privacy' issue as it is not the subject of the thread. If you wish to continue to give your opinion regarding this, maybe a new thread is in order? Then people can discuss as much as they want what they feel is OK to discuss in a forum or not.
and saying something about JB here on the board is entirely different than talking about my
young adult children, who of course have told me, though they didn't need to,
their past troubles, present troubles, future troubles are private.
I wonder what this child would say if he knew his sexuality is being discussed by strangers,
this really my point.
I didn't call the OP a bad parent... were you quoting me or assuming...
not my words, not even my thought.
Obviously he wanted advice ...
perhaps deflecting and making it general would have been more compassionate.
Believe me I know being lost raising teens,
helping to raise those that were not mine too because their parents would not,
caught in unimaginable places, between life and death.
It is the hardest time of my life but we all made it through
with a little tenderness and understanding.
This the silver lining to those turbulent times.
It's not easy for parents trying to navigate these waters and hey... I know I blather on about gay porn a lot but many of my blog videos are used in university courses when discussing coming out and young gay men's issues.
so there.
which hopefully both would include the child being talked about.
This the answer to family problems.
I think we are all forgetting 1 thing. Nobody has an idea who this kid is anyway. Lighten up. Someone needed help and asked for it. That is a good thing in my book.
Here, we ha e no idea who he is and a concerned parent is asking for advice.
talking about safety and responsibility of going on such sites or even acting out any of the things learned online should be the priority.
Whatever you are, be a good one --Lincoln
and about such a personal matter?
Not like discussing he scored in the big game Friday night... no not at all.
And it doesn't matter if he finds out, it is principle....
we are here to protect.
I have seen, and have done this myself horribly so,
parents lacking the insight to feel what their child feels.
You can see this on the child's face when out in public.
The parent is not standing in the child's shoes ...
if he or she was they would feel the embarrassment, the shunning, the disregard.
My only point here is private problems are just that when it comes to your child,
seek profesional help... get a damn good book
be understanding and tender, but don't make it public.
This comes from my personal experience.
I have teens come by today to say thank you for helping them through the
very tough teen years when their own parents would not or could not.
All I did was stand firm for them against the world, empower them,
forgive them, listen, understand and remember what it was like as a teen.
No magic ... really just what any of us want at any age.
It isn't public.