Greek Yogurt (rant)

Today, like many days before it, I bagged groceries at Hannaford. I do this because... well... its my job. It isn’t a terrible place to work. I find the occasional Jackass customer to be pretty entertaining rather than degrading. 90% of everything I do there is mindless, which allows for copious amounts of daydreaming (one of my favorite pastimes). Many of my story ideas and philosophy comes from those several hours of zoning-out and instinctively calling out, “Have a nice day” to passing people. Not to mention, the paycheck does enough to get me through the week. Overall, I can’t complain.

Except for today. Today, work bothered me. Not because some lady screamed about the volume of the music, or couldn’t understand why there were no fresh strawberries to be found at nine o’clock. Not because maintenance only cleans things that don’t need to be cleaned (hence the parking lot for Christ’s sake). Not because I had to somehow tame a sea of endless carriages. Not even because for some reason every gallon of milk in the store had mysteriously been tainted with salmonella. The latter I must admit is untrue for fear of starting panic.

No, no, no. The reason that work bothered me today was because I’m sick of people buying mountains upon mountains of so-called “Greek Yogurt.”

Now, for anyone who’s had the the luxury of tasting pure, normal yogurt, I insist in the interest of time you skip this paragraph. But for all you yogurt virgins out there, this passage is for you. - Yogurt is delicious. It is hopefully cold when you eat it. It does not (contrary to popular belief) come from cows. It comes from factories which make many more tastier things than just boring old milk. It comes in all flavors except for the bad ones. Yogurt doesn’t care about the color of your skin or how ugly you are. It tastes the same to a saint as it does to a man who has violently killed someone and yogurt does not at all taste like dirt.

Now that we have a clear definition let me just sum everything up by saying: yogurt is truly a wonderful thing which I would happily consume every day... and do.

But, lately there has been a fad going around. People seem fixated on some new, sexy idea. An idea they all tell me is a more delectable and healthier option than ordinary yogurt. The idea of having Greek yogurt. Let me tell you what Greek yogurt is. It’s a sham. It doesn’t deserve to be even placed on a shelf next to the real stuff. Greek yogurt (contrary to popular belief) is the excrement of cows. Greek yogurt is very racist and most definitely tastes like dirt. Be warned dear reader. There is a vast difference between Greek yogurt and the regular and it is not good.

This is the infallible truth about Greek yogurt. But let me drive the point home a bit further. - If regular yogurt is Jesus, Greek yogurt is like Lynard Skynard without Ronnie Van Zant and Allen Collins. Just plain awful. If regular yogurt is democracy, Greek yogurt is basically the Federal Reserve. New world order here we come.

Trust me, I’ve tried the stuff. A few weeks ago I bought a small tub of needlessly expensive Greek yogurt to give it a try. It was vanilla flavored and I thought the packaging was pretty neat. But, after eating almost half the tub, I found Greek yogurt to be bland and to have the texture of mushy gravel. Never have I ever had such a depressing food in all my life. Every spoonful brings the promise of that delicious vanilla flavor and creamy cool feel, but instead it just takes a turn for the worst. Just as the mouthful of that Greek garbage starts to get good, it gets ten times worse. It makes no sense. It defies food logic. This calamity has only ever happened to me with pizza rolls. That's right! Frozen, processed, molten lava pizza rolls. Isn’t it supposed to be healthy?

That’s what Alex and everyone else tells me anyway.
“Greek yogurt is better for you than normal yogurt. That’s why people get it,” she said.

And then in a wave of revelation it all fell into place.

People get Greek yogurt over normal yogurt for the same reason they get Canadian bacon over regular bacon or get turkey burgers instead of edible ones. They are trying to be healthier and in the process, brainwashing themselves into thinking the healthier options are tastier. So next time don’t even try to explain how, “Healthy things can taste good too!” Save it. You aren’t trying to convince me, you are trying to convince yourself. Instead of trying to stick your diet in everyone's face, why don’t you just leave me and my good yogurt alone.