dating advice

24

Comments

  • LikeAnOcean
    LikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
    Holy crap, dump the old fart. It sounds like he is using you for sex.

    I've been seeing a really attractive girl my own age for six weeks now and we haven't done it. Not that we're holding back, but we're having such an awesome time together, we don't need to think about rushing anything. If we do it next date, then great. If not for a while, we still are having a blast and it doesn't even matter.


    He's using you for sex and you are using him for security. Pretty typical with people.
  • prytocorduroy
    prytocorduroy Posts: 4,355
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    and you are using him for security.
    this is not true.
  • LikeAnOcean
    LikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
    pinwheel wrote:
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    and you are using him for security.
    this is not true.
    If you have nothing in common, then why?
  • prytocorduroy
    prytocorduroy Posts: 4,355
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    pinwheel wrote:
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    and you are using him for security.
    this is not true.
    If you have nothing in common, then why?
    we make each other laugh, we have great conversation even though we tend to disagree on a lot, we give each other advice, we learn from each other because we are so different, we care about each other (would take care of each other when we're sick, worry about each other getting home safe)...

    maybe i'm lonely...
  • LikeAnOcean
    LikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
    pinwheel wrote:
    we make each other laugh, we have great conversation even though we tend to disagree on a lot, we give each other advice, we learn from each other because we are so different, we care about each other (would take care of each other when we're sick, worry about each other getting home safe)...

    maybe i'm lonely...
    Dump him. That tells me it right there. You might lonely. I could be wrong, but judging from human nature in general, I think he's using you.


    Do what you think is right, but it sounds like by making this thread you aren't sure, so take into account our advice.
  • thesewordselope
    thesewordselope Posts: 781
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    pinwheel wrote:
    we make each other laugh, we have great conversation even though we tend to disagree on a lot, we give each other advice, we learn from each other because we are so different, we care about each other (would take care of each other when we're sick, worry about each other getting home safe)...

    maybe i'm lonely...
    Dump him. That tells me it right there. You might lonely. I could be wrong, but judging from human nature in general, I think he's using you.


    Do what you think is right, but it sounds like by making this thread you aren't sure, so take into account our advice.

    I don't think you are lonely, from the sounds of it you are scared to leave it because in a way you get "comfort" from the relationship, wether it be healthy or not.
  • Drowned Out
    Drowned Out Posts: 6,056
    pinwheel wrote:
    more like real cooking, filet mignon, deserts, foods i've never heard of, cooking from scratch, always packing leftovers for me for lunch.

    but i do hear everyone...just sucks
    ok he put a little more effort and money in... but my point still stands. Sounds like you know what's up, you're just looking for reassurance that you're headed in the right decision.... Doesn't make it any easier, but once you find something more fulfilling (and you will), you'll realize how abnormal this situation was.

    I can't help but think that in a relationship with that big an age gap, at least one of the partners never intended for it to be long term to begin with - which puts you under the 'f-buddy rules': If either of you are misleading the other in regards to intentions, or if you feel that you're not on the same page, you're bound to have trouble. Have you talked to him about all of this?

    On the bright side...your willingness to engage in threeways just got the attention of most of the guys on the board ;):lol:
  • eyedclaar
    eyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    Black Diamond wrote:
    Run for ze hills (just not Eyed hills)


    Hey, what the? Oh yeah, all the hiding bodies and whatnot... Still, she might be safer with me. That old bastard sounds like a loon.
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  • _
    _ Posts: 6,657
    Whoa! Red flags all over the place! I vote (and it looks unanimous) that you get out of that situation. Sorry.
    pinwheel wrote:
    the reason we stopped having one on one sex is because an ex of mine followed me over one night. it is valid that he called the sex off, but the problem has been addressed, he just hasn't gotten past it. seems like this is his way of getting over the situation.

    How does coercing you into 3-ways help him get over a situation - that's already over - where your ex followed you?
  • prytocorduroy
    prytocorduroy Posts: 4,355
    Drowned Out wrote:
    pinwheel wrote:
    more like real cooking, filet mignon, deserts, foods i've never heard of, cooking from scratch, always packing leftovers for me for lunch.

    but i do hear everyone...just sucks
    ok he put a little more effort and money in... but my point still stands. Sounds like you know what's up, you're just looking for reassurance that you're headed in the right decision.... Doesn't make it any easier, but once you find something more fulfilling (and you will), you'll realize how abnormal this situation was.

    I can't help but think that in a relationship with that big an age gap, at least one of the partners never intended for it to be long term to begin with - which puts you under the 'f-buddy rules': If either of you are misleading the other in regards to intentions, or if you feel that you're not on the same page, you're bound to have trouble. Have you talked to him about all of this?

    On the bright side...your willingness to engage in threeways just got the attention of most of the guys on the board ;):lol:
    yes i have talked with him about all of this and often actually. that is why throwing it away is so hard.

    and we started off as fuck buddies, so the no-sex thing isn't a deal breaker. can't build a solid relationship off of sex. but the three way thing is really getting under my skin. i would be all for three ways if he would want just me more. i'm not rushing things, which is a huge reason why i haven't blown him off.
  • Drowned Out
    Drowned Out Posts: 6,056
    pinwheel wrote:
    yes i have talked with him about all of this and often actually. that is why throwing it away is so hard.

    and we started off as fuck buddies, so the no-sex thing isn't a deal breaker. can't build a solid relationship off of sex. but the three way thing is really getting under my skin. i would be all for three ways if he would want just me more. i'm not rushing things, which is a huge reason why i haven't blown him off.

    My first reaction to this is that it’s good that you have open communication…my second inclination is to think that, consciously or not, he’s manipulating you in those conversations. Don’t forget he has 20 years of ‘game’ over you. You say you don’t trust him, so…who’s to say that even if it IS open communication, you’re being told the truth and not what you want to hear? (...and really...if you don't trust him...this whole convo is moot - aside from the reassurance and solace).

    Something else to ponder: Ive noticed that a lot of people are honest, but use their honesty as part of their game. They’ll tell people that they don’t want a relationship, but continue to flirt and do things to keep the other interested in order to stroke their egos and ‘steal their energy’ (read: fuck them)…..then…when things go sour….it’s “I told you all along I didn’t want anything from this” :roll:
    Are you not rushing things because you don’t want HIM to blow YOU off?

    For the record….he probably does care about you a lot. But there ALWAYS comes a time to let these situations go….sounds like you’ve recognized that your time is now. Good luck :)
  • rhcpjam1029
    rhcpjam1029 Posts: 1,982
    yeah i say move on.
    Beavis: All my friends are brown and red? What does that mean?
    Butthead: It means that his friends are like turds and that they like suck.
    Beavis: Heh heh. Oh yeah. Yeah! Get those spoons out of my face before I shove them up your butt!
    Butthead: Huh huh.
  • dcfaithful
    dcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    Drowned Out wrote:
    Sounds like he knows what a good thing he's got going sexually, and is doing the minimum required to keep you interested...= fucking awesome for him.....not healthy for you. That kind of imbalance can only lead to hurt!

    This is what I was was thinking too...
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • dcfaithful
    dcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    pinwheel wrote:
    and we started off as fuck buddies, so the no-sex thing isn't a deal breaker. can't build a solid relationship off of sex. but the three way thing is really getting under my skin. i would be all for three ways if he would want just me more. i'm not rushing things, which is a huge reason why i haven't blown him off.

    That seems like a paradox. If you started off as fuck buddies, with little in common...why was there a belief then that a solid relationship might be possible, but now the belief doesn't transpire?

    Like others have said, he probably does truly care for you and your well-being. But maybe an intimate relationship between you too just isn't going to work, and a friendship is more suitable.

    Good luck. You obviously know what's best for you at the end of the day.
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • prytocorduroy
    prytocorduroy Posts: 4,355
    dcfaithful wrote:
    pinwheel wrote:
    and we started off as fuck buddies, so the no-sex thing isn't a deal breaker. can't build a solid relationship off of sex. but the three way thing is really getting under my skin. i would be all for three ways if he would want just me more. i'm not rushing things, which is a huge reason why i haven't blown him off.

    That seems like a paradox. If you started off as fuck buddies, with little in common...why was there a belief then that a solid relationship might be possible, but now the belief doesn't transpire?

    Like others have said, he probably does truly care for you and your well-being. But maybe an intimate relationship between you too just isn't going to work, and a friendship is more suitable.

    Good luck. You obviously know what's best for you at the end of the day.
    we started off just having sex, but we wanted to start hanging out after a while. once we started hanging out i found we have barely anything in common.

    friendship is probably the best way to go. or become fuck buddies again...
  • dunkman
    dunkman Posts: 19,646
    i'll ask what every other man on this thread is thinking... what is the deal with women needing all those shoes?

    oh wait... I meant to ask.. was the three ways with other women or with other men?
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • Heatherj43
    Heatherj43 Posts: 1,254
    Move on. I think you know it already, but just need us to agree.
    I would love to be this guy's therapist. I am a social worker and just your story tells me so much about him.
    Trust your instincts. ou are right on about it will never go anywhere except to deeper and deeper heartache the longer you hang on.
    Save room for dessert!
  • small town beck
    small town beck Posts: 6,691
    pinwheel wrote:
    81 wrote:
    soudns like he is training you...no sex unless it's a 3way....

    wish i would have thought of that. :lol:
    that isn't going to last him very long.
    JD Sal wrote:
    pinwheel wrote:
    ...and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise...

    It sounds like you are holding on to this guy for the wrong reasons. As a female, you need to feel that your relationship is on equal footing, and that your partner will care for you the way you deserve to be treated. So tell me, no sexual relationship unless it's a three way...how is that NOT pressure??? And how is that being respectful to your needs???
    it's not pressure because i've said no several times and it was dropped and we spent the rest of the night together, and then i've said yes and we did it, and it was over, and we spent the night together.

    the reason we stopped having one on one sex is because an ex of mine followed me over one night. it is valid that he called the sex off, but the problem has been addressed, he just hasn't gotten past it. seems like this is his way of getting over the situation.

    You stopped having sex because an ex of yours followed you over there?!! :? I would think for threesomes this would be ideal :lol:
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    Hit him with a golf club so he crashes into a fire hydrant.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thorns2010
    Thorns2010 Posts: 2,201
    edited February 2010
    .
    Post edited by Thorns2010 on

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