dating advice

prytocorduroy

okay i need some guidance from anyone.

i've been seeing a guy for a few months now and things have gotten a tad sour. he's 21 years older than me, but that doesn't matter to me, and he says it doesn't matter to him, but i don't know if he's being honest about it. he's very discreet and that isn't really a problem but i feel like it will be sooner than later because i have nothing to hide or be discreet about. not like bragging about what goes on in the bedroom to the world, but just him being mine in general. he's a teacher so i do get it, but it's hard.

we have very little, to nothing in common. but we like being with each other and i'm constantly thinking of him. i genuinely care about him, and i feel like he cares about me. i like to do things with him that i don't really care about just to be with him, and find it important because he enjoys those things. i don't feel like i'm getting the same here. we are very different types of personalities. he's clean, proper and by-the-book, and i'm relaxed, carefree and spontaneous. he likes theater, i like rock music....differences like that. we're both educated and respectful but i feel like this may be a hurdle eventually.

i don't think this is a problem because i think it's more me growing up than him changing me. ovbiously our ages make us different by generation alone, he's more mature, experienced, and knowledgable. but i feel like he's pushing me to grow up like him, not like how i would naturally grow up. of course i can't really comment because nobody knows how i will grow up. i guess i am just curious as to whether or not he is trying to change me or help me grow up. (things like learning how to cook/clean, how to dress (non-casually), overall demeanor/presentation).

we stopped having sex. this isn't a big problem (because there was a reason for it, but the situation has since been handled and he won't move past it)....except for the fact that he's constantly setting up three ways for us. it's almost like he's putting me into his sex life by obligation but wants nothing to do with only me. i have no idea if he's fooling around when i'm not there. he says he isn't, but i can't honestly say i believe him.


am i a fool for sticking around? should i move on? there's more but that's my rant for now.

dunkman

move on...

to be honest... it sounds like you've made him a father figure rather than a partner.

also in Dunk's world... men who are into theatre and not rock music are not to be trusted... it's the 117th law of Dunk's world... right before law 118 which is "never listen to man who refers to his own 'world' and its imaginary laws"

and are three ways what i think they are? and if they are.. are they with other women... and if it is.. this thread is useless without photographic evidence.

no need to thank me for the advice... now i'm off to help a fellow fan with the sudden and tragic loss of their beloved pet dog... which should be a laugh :thumbup:

pandora

pinwheel wrote:

okay i need some guidance from anyone.

i've been seeing a guy for a few months now and things have gotten a tad sour. he's 21 years older than me, but that doesn't matter to me, and he says it doesn't matter to him, but i don't know if he's being honest about it. he's very discreet and that isn't really a problem but i feel like it will be sooner than later because i have nothing to hide or be discreet about. not like bragging about what goes on in the bedroom to the world, but just him being mine in general. he's a teacher so i do get it, but it's hard.

we have very little, to nothing in common. but we like being with each other and i'm constantly thinking of him. i genuinely care about him, and i feel like he cares about me. i like to do things with him that i don't really care about just to be with him, and find it important because he enjoys those things. i don't feel like i'm getting the same here. we are very different types of personalities. he's clean, proper and by-the-book, and i'm relaxed, carefree and spontaneous. he likes theater, i like rock music....differences like that. we're both educated and respectful but i feel like this may be a hurdle eventually.

i don't think this is a problem because i think it's more me growing up than him changing me. ovbiously our ages make us different by generation alone, he's more mature, experienced, and knowledgable. but i feel like he's pushing me to grow up like him, not like how i would naturally grow up. of course i can't really comment because nobody knows how i will grow up. i guess i am just curious as to whether or not he is trying to change me or help me grow up. (things like learning how to cook/clean, how to dress (non-casually), overall demeanor/presentation).

we stopped having sex. this isn't a big problem (because there was a reason for it, but the situation has since been handled and he won't move past it)....except for the fact that he's constantly setting up three ways for us. it's almost like he's putting me into his sex life by obligation but wants nothing to do with only me. i have no idea if he's fooling around when i'm not there. he says he isn't, but i can't honestly say i believe him.


am i a fool for sticking around? should i move on? there's more but that's my rant for now.

DROP HIM!

milarso

dunkman wrote:

move on...

+1
Life's to short to be with someone you aren't 100% sure wants to be with you too.

81

he gone

eyedclaar

I made it as fas as the 21 year age difference and that was enough. End this madness. For me that equals dating someone who is either 15 or 57, either way - gross.

he still stands

When people tell you to "grow up" what they mean is "stop growing."

If you stopped having sex and now he is pushing for a 3-way... that is a red flag.

Here is an easy solution... come to Lancaster and I'll take you out on the town

edit: I'm assuming you're a female????

the wolf

it may not bother you or him at the moment, but the age difference will catch up to you.

I was 11 years older than my gf and it was great for most of 4.5 years. But when it comes down to it, I do think the age difference hurt us, and she finally split at the start of the year.

age difference aside, do you really want to be with someone that is pushing you to have sex with someone else , man or woman ?

and....

if you already are feeling like you maybe not growing into the person that you would, but the person that he wants you to, big mistake.

I hate to tell anyone to dump someone because, well...., it's just not my place.... but,...

DUMP HIM. move on. you are too young and should be having different types of fun for someone your age than the types of "fun" you are having and will be having if you stay with him.

good luck.

-steve

p.s. don't listen to anything dunk has to say, and by all means, stay away from he still stands

DeLukin

It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at this point. My advice would be to consider it a learning experience and move on. I know it sounds glib, but there really are plenty of other fish in the sea...

dunkman

the wolf wrote:

p.s. don't listen to anything dunk has to say, and by all means, stay away from he still stands

yeah.. fair enough.

prytocorduroy

thanks for the advice. pretty much where i'm headed. i think i'm just gonna date other people and see what happens with this one at the same time. and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise. he cooks for me, we spend most nights together, he calls me to make sure i'm okay and worries about me, so i really do feel like there is some connection, but still....

81

soudns like he is training you...no sex unless it's a 3way....

wish i would have thought of that.

dunkman

pinwheel wrote:

and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise. he cooks for me

hi... I'm a horny chef.

pm me :thumbup:

Drowned Out

pinwheel wrote:

thanks for the advice. pretty much where i'm headed. i think i'm just gonna date other people and see what happens with this one at the same time. and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise. he cooks for me, we spend most nights together, he calls me to make sure i'm okay and worries about me, so i really do feel like there is some connection, but still....

I think I'd be willing to make some grilled cheeses and a couple phone calls in exchange for three ways with women half my age.
Sounds like he knows what a good thing he's got going sexually, and is doing the minimum required to keep you interested...= fucking awesome for him.....not healthy for you. That kind of imbalance can only lead to hurt!

Black Diamond

Run for ze hills (just not Eyed hills)

polaris_x

i am pretty sure he cares for you ... may in fact actually love you ... but what he wants out of a relationship sure doesn't sound like what you want ... and therein is the crux of the issue ...

relationships only work when two people are walking similar paths ...

my last gf i cared for deeply and still do ... but we were going in different directions ...

JD Sal

pinwheel wrote:

...and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise...

It sounds like you are holding on to this guy for the wrong reasons. As a female, you need to feel that your relationship is on equal footing, and that your partner will care for you the way you deserve to be treated. So tell me, no sexual relationship unless it's a three way...how is that NOT pressure??? And how is that being respectful to your needs???

thesewordselope

pinwheel wrote:

okay i need some guidance from anyone.

i've been seeing a guy for a few months now and things have gotten a tad sour. he's 21 years older than me, but that doesn't matter to me, and he says it doesn't matter to him, but i don't know if he's being honest about it. he's very discreet and that isn't really a problem but i feel like it will be sooner than later because i have nothing to hide or be discreet about. not like bragging about what goes on in the bedroom to the world, but just him being mine in general. he's a teacher so i do get it, but it's hard.

we have very little, to nothing in common. but we like being with each other and i'm constantly thinking of him. i genuinely care about him, and i feel like he cares about me. i like to do things with him that i don't really care about just to be with him, and find it important because he enjoys those things. i don't feel like i'm getting the same here. we are very different types of personalities. he's clean, proper and by-the-book, and i'm relaxed, carefree and spontaneous. he likes theater, i like rock music....differences like that. we're both educated and respectful but i feel like this may be a hurdle eventually.

i don't think this is a problem because i think it's more me growing up than him changing me. ovbiously our ages make us different by generation alone, he's more mature, experienced, and knowledgable. but i feel like he's pushing me to grow up like him, not like how i would naturally grow up. of course i can't really comment because nobody knows how i will grow up. i guess i am just curious as to whether or not he is trying to change me or help me grow up. (things like learning how to cook/clean, how to dress (non-casually), overall demeanor/presentation).

we stopped having sex. this isn't a big problem (because there was a reason for it, but the situation has since been handled and he won't move past it)....except for the fact that he's constantly setting up three ways for us. it's almost like he's putting me into his sex life by obligation but wants nothing to do with only me. i have no idea if he's fooling around when i'm not there. he says he isn't, but i can't honestly say i believe him.


am i a fool for sticking around? should i move on? there's more but that's my rant for now.

Sounds to me like there may be some control issue's here. I suggest moving on.

Claireack

If he is putting conditions on the sex, it's a big no no. Sometimes you can work past othere issues - but to me that sounded alarm bells ringing.

Move on.

prytocorduroy

Drowned Out wrote:

pinwheel wrote:

thanks for the advice. pretty much where i'm headed. i think i'm just gonna date other people and see what happens with this one at the same time. and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise. he cooks for me, we spend most nights together, he calls me to make sure i'm okay and worries about me, so i really do feel like there is some connection, but still....

I think I'd be willing to make some grilled cheeses and a couple phone calls in exchange for three ways with women half my age.
Sounds like he knows what a good thing he's got going sexually, and is doing the minimum required to keep you interested...= fucking awesome for him.....not healthy for you. That kind of imbalance can only lead to hurt!

more like real cooking, filet mignon, deserts, foods i've never heard of, cooking from scratch, always packing leftovers for me for lunch.

but i do hear everyone...just sucks

prytocorduroy

81 wrote:

soudns like he is training you...no sex unless it's a 3way....

wish i would have thought of that.

that isn't going to last him very long.

JD Sal wrote:

pinwheel wrote:

...and he doesn't pressure me into three ways, but he won't have any sexual relationship with me otherwise...

It sounds like you are holding on to this guy for the wrong reasons. As a female, you need to feel that your relationship is on equal footing, and that your partner will care for you the way you deserve to be treated. So tell me, no sexual relationship unless it's a three way...how is that NOT pressure??? And how is that being respectful to your needs???

it's not pressure because i've said no several times and it was dropped and we spent the rest of the night together, and then i've said yes and we did it, and it was over, and we spent the night together.

the reason we stopped having one on one sex is because an ex of mine followed me over one night. it is valid that he called the sex off, but the problem has been addressed, he just hasn't gotten past it. seems like this is his way of getting over the situation.

LikeAnOcean

Holy crap, dump the old fart. It sounds like he is using you for sex.

I've been seeing a really attractive girl my own age for six weeks now and we haven't done it. Not that we're holding back, but we're having such an awesome time together, we don't need to think about rushing anything. If we do it next date, then great. If not for a while, we still are having a blast and it doesn't even matter.


He's using you for sex and you are using him for security. Pretty typical with people.

prytocorduroy

LikeAnOcean wrote:

and you are using him for security.

this is not true.

LikeAnOcean

pinwheel wrote:

LikeAnOcean wrote:

and you are using him for security.

this is not true.

If you have nothing in common, then why?

prytocorduroy

LikeAnOcean wrote:

pinwheel wrote:

LikeAnOcean wrote:

and you are using him for security.

this is not true.

If you have nothing in common, then why?

we make each other laugh, we have great conversation even though we tend to disagree on a lot, we give each other advice, we learn from each other because we are so different, we care about each other (would take care of each other when we're sick, worry about each other getting home safe)...

maybe i'm lonely...

LikeAnOcean

pinwheel wrote:

we make each other laugh, we have great conversation even though we tend to disagree on a lot, we give each other advice, we learn from each other because we are so different, we care about each other (would take care of each other when we're sick, worry about each other getting home safe)...

maybe i'm lonely...

Dump him. That tells me it right there. You might lonely. I could be wrong, but judging from human nature in general, I think he's using you.


Do what you think is right, but it sounds like by making this thread you aren't sure, so take into account our advice.

thesewordselope

LikeAnOcean wrote:

pinwheel wrote:

we make each other laugh, we have great conversation even though we tend to disagree on a lot, we give each other advice, we learn from each other because we are so different, we care about each other (would take care of each other when we're sick, worry about each other getting home safe)...

maybe i'm lonely...

Dump him. That tells me it right there. You might lonely. I could be wrong, but judging from human nature in general, I think he's using you.


Do what you think is right, but it sounds like by making this thread you aren't sure, so take into account our advice.

I don't think you are lonely, from the sounds of it you are scared to leave it because in a way you get "comfort" from the relationship, wether it be healthy or not.

Drowned Out

pinwheel wrote:

more like real cooking, filet mignon, deserts, foods i've never heard of, cooking from scratch, always packing leftovers for me for lunch.

but i do hear everyone...just sucks

ok he put a little more effort and money in... but my point still stands. Sounds like you know what's up, you're just looking for reassurance that you're headed in the right decision.... Doesn't make it any easier, but once you find something more fulfilling (and you will), you'll realize how abnormal this situation was.

I can't help but think that in a relationship with that big an age gap, at least one of the partners never intended for it to be long term to begin with - which puts you under the 'f-buddy rules': If either of you are misleading the other in regards to intentions, or if you feel that you're not on the same page, you're bound to have trouble. Have you talked to him about all of this?

On the bright side...your willingness to engage in threeways just got the attention of most of the guys on the board

eyedclaar

Black Diamond wrote:

Run for ze hills (just not Eyed hills)

Hey, what the? Oh yeah, all the hiding bodies and whatnot... Still, she might be safer with me. That old bastard sounds like a loon.

_

Whoa! Red flags all over the place! I vote (and it looks unanimous) that you get out of that situation. Sorry.

pinwheel wrote:

the reason we stopped having one on one sex is because an ex of mine followed me over one night. it is valid that he called the sex off, but the problem has been addressed, he just hasn't gotten past it. seems like this is his way of getting over the situation.

How does coercing you into 3-ways help him get over a situation - that's already over - where your ex followed you?

prytocorduroy

Drowned Out wrote:

pinwheel wrote:

more like real cooking, filet mignon, deserts, foods i've never heard of, cooking from scratch, always packing leftovers for me for lunch.

but i do hear everyone...just sucks

ok he put a little more effort and money in... but my point still stands. Sounds like you know what's up, you're just looking for reassurance that you're headed in the right decision.... Doesn't make it any easier, but once you find something more fulfilling (and you will), you'll realize how abnormal this situation was.

I can't help but think that in a relationship with that big an age gap, at least one of the partners never intended for it to be long term to begin with - which puts you under the 'f-buddy rules': If either of you are misleading the other in regards to intentions, or if you feel that you're not on the same page, you're bound to have trouble. Have you talked to him about all of this?

On the bright side...your willingness to engage in threeways just got the attention of most of the guys on the board

yes i have talked with him about all of this and often actually. that is why throwing it away is so hard.

and we started off as fuck buddies, so the no-sex thing isn't a deal breaker. can't build a solid relationship off of sex. but the three way thing is really getting under my skin. i would be all for three ways if he would want just me more. i'm not rushing things, which is a huge reason why i haven't blown him off.