keeping desires a secret

24

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  • JOEJOEJOE
    JOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,825
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I don't actually know.. Thats something I should research!

    Beats have a bake sale to raise money ;)

    Very true....getting an assist from a foundation would be easier then selling 20,000 cupcakes!
  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    ....what I was trying to get to, before I got interrupted...

    The way that I've learned to cope with desires that I can't fulfill immediately is to focus on the good that's happening now. It sounds obvious, yeah....but it's worth reminding yourself once in a while, because it's easy to get lost in the thought of what we can't have while we're ignoring all the things we do have.

    I think once you're in school and spending so much time an energy working towards becoming a teacher, you'll be much less consumed with the thought of adopting right away.
  • comebackwoman
    comebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I don't actually know.. Thats something I should research!

    Beats have a bake sale to raise money ;)
    I'm still undecided as to whether or not I want to have children...but if I do decide to have them I would like to adopt. Have you looked into going the foster care route?
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • CityMouse
    CityMouse Posts: 1,010
    Brain of J.Lo wrote:
    ....what I was trying to get to, before I got interrupted...

    The way that I've learned to cope with desires that I can't fulfill immediately is to focus on the good that's happening now. It sounds obvious, yeah....but it's worth reminding yourself once in a while, because it's easy to get lost in the thought of what we can't have while we're ignoring all the things we do have.

    I think once you're in school and spending so much time an energy working towards becoming a teacher, you'll be much less consumed with the thought of adopting right away.

    someone once said to me "life has it's own rhythm and it's best not to force it." I have pretty much lived by that since my early 20s. I try to tell this to my friends who are panicing about not having rings on their fingers by a certain age or whatnot...it's like just go with it, when the time is right it is right. I thought I *had* to be in grad school by 25...but I knew in my gut the programs I was trying to "force" myself into weren't right...a year later it all just came together and I knew what I wanted to do. And it turned out to be something different. that's the thing, it might never happen, but whatever path you end up on is a good one.
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    Brain of J.Lo wrote:
    ....what I was trying to get to, before I got interrupted...

    The way that I've learned to cope with desires that I can't fulfill immediately is to focus on the good that's happening now. It sounds obvious, yeah....but it's worth reminding yourself once in a while, because it's easy to get lost in the thought of what we can't have while we're ignoring all the things we do have.

    I think once you're in school and spending so much time an energy working towards becoming a teacher, you'll be much less consumed with the thought of adopting right away.

    I used to swear that nannying was the best birth control ever. And, now I'm like, wtf happened? Did I just work with devil spawns in the past, or am I getting bitten with the baby bug?

    The thought of being pregnant literally makes me sick. I can't fathom that. I do not want that, I think I have a whole weird issue with pregnancy. But I think a modified baby bug has bitten me.

    Josh's idea of adoption is like, Hey, lets find someone who is having twins and only wants one, and we can ask for the other...

    Men, seriously.. I wonder sometimes.
  • Allie
    Allie Posts: 2,908
    maybe it's hard to say it out loud that it's something you really want b/c it's such a super big deal to you, like on some level you're afraid to even talk about it b/c you don't know how or if you can make it come true? I don't know if that makes sense

    I don't have that particular problem of saying it out loud, I say it all the time, I want to have my own children more than anything else in the whole entire world. But I don't have the finances or the health insurance. Or the partner/husband! (yet!) I'm working on it though :D

    now why does it costs 20k to adopt a baby? I'm sure I have mentioned to you I am a social worker also.
    "...like a word misplaced, nothing said, what a waste.."
    "Sometimes life should be consumed in measured doses"
    6-01-06
    6/25/08
    Free Speedy
    and Metsy!
  • CityMouse
    CityMouse Posts: 1,010
    GraySaturday wrote:
    IThe thought of being pregnant literally makes me sick. I can't fathom that. I do not want that, I think I have a whole weird issue with pregnancy. But I think a modified baby bug has bitten me.

    omg! I can't believe someone else feels this way!!!
    I can't imagine it either, it really just bothers me on a visceral level, but everyone I mean EVERYONE thinks it is nuts says I'm the only person in the world who feels this way...
    it is one of the reasons I would adopt- I don't really have a problem with the idea of being a parent, I just don't want to be PREGNANT.
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    Allie wrote:
    maybe it's hard to say it out loud that it's something you really want b/c it's such a super big deal to you, like on some level you're afraid to even talk about it b/c you don't know how or if you can make it come true? I don't know if that makes sense

    I don't have that particular problem of saying it out loud, I say it all the time, I want to have my own children more than anything else in the whole entire world. But I don't have the finances or the health insurance. Or the partner/husband! (yet!) I'm working on it though :D

    now why does it costs 20k to adopt a baby? I'm sure I have mentioned to you I am a social worker also.

    Actually, I didn't know you are a social worker. What kind of SW do you do?

    Your first paragraph.. yeah thats exactly it. I think it's hard too, my family and friends would push me to have my own child. Because for some reason not everyone is supportive of what I truly want. Everyone has their own agenda. I think I have a fear of being shot down, and not fully supported on something that is SO important to me.

    I used to think that being happily married with no kids would be more than enough for me in life. But the more I work with children, and the more I spend time seeing how much a great parent - child relationship can enrich everyone's lives (both child and parent) I can only hope to have that some day.

    It costs so much because of the numerous fees that agencies charge. While no one can "sell" a child, they sure can rack up the fees!
  • Allie
    Allie Posts: 2,908
    GraySaturday wrote:
    Actually, I didn't know you are a social worker. What kind of SW do you do?

    Your first paragraph.. yeah thats exactly it. I think it's hard too, my family and friends would push me to have my own child. Because for some reason not everyone is supportive of what I truly want. Everyone has their own agenda. I think I have a fear of being shot down, and not fully supported on something that is SO important to me.

    I used to think that being happily married with no kids would be more than enough for me in life. But the more I work with children, and the more I spend time seeing how much a great parent - child relationship can enrich everyone's lives (both child and parent) I can only hope to have that some day.

    It costs so much because of the numerous fees that agencies charge. While no one can "sell" a child, they sure can rack up the fees!

    I hope your dream comes true though then.
    IMO it only matters what you and your husband think, I know it's easier said than done though
    I work as a therapist.
    I've never heard of an adoption costing 20K. That's why I asked.
    "...like a word misplaced, nothing said, what a waste.."
    "Sometimes life should be consumed in measured doses"
    6-01-06
    6/25/08
    Free Speedy
    and Metsy!
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    CityMouse wrote:
    omg! I can't believe someone else feels this way!!!
    I can't imagine it either, it really just bothers me on a visceral level, but everyone I mean EVERYONE thinks it is nuts says I'm the only person in the world who feels this way...
    it is one of the reasons I would adopt- I don't really have a problem with the idea of being a parent, I just don't want to be PREGNANT.

    I've been told that I am crazy, and that when I truly want kids, I'll be more then happy to be pregnant. I think thats really unfair of people to assume. I don't think it's selfish not to want to be pregnant. Its a health risk to some people (My family has a condition that can run in the family, causing me to possibly have to be bed ridden for the entire pregnancy) I'd love to have a child, but I'd not like to be pregnant, and with children needing homes all over this planet, what better of a situation, right? It makes me sad that there are so many judgemental people out there. I shouldn't have to defend my right to adopt a child, versus carry one of my own.

    **I DO NOT mean anyone on here made me feel this way.. you have all been very supportive and sweet. And, I NEVER mind answering any questions.. I just don't like when people try to tell you that what worked for them will work for you.
  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    CityMouse wrote:
    someone once said to me "life has it's own rhythm and it's best not to force it." I have pretty much lived by that since my early 20s. I try to tell this to my friends who are panicing about not having rings on their fingers by a certain age or whatnot...it's like just go with it, when the time is right it is right. I thought I *had* to be in grad school by 25...but I knew in my gut the programs I was trying to "force" myself into weren't right...a year later it all just came together and I knew what I wanted to do. And it turned out to be something different. that's the thing, it might never happen, but whatever path you end up on is a good one.

    I completely agree. I have had a lot of friends that were obsessed with certain things happening at certain times....like life won't be as good if they aren't married by this date or parents by this date or at a certain level in their career, etc...

    I think it's best to live without expectations. Instead, hope for the things you want, while keeping in mind that it's up to you to work towards goals. There's nothing wrong with having specific goals in mind, but you have to accept that you can't usually control everything that happens to you.

    My life is WAY different at 28 than I ever expected it to be, but I can't imagine the things I'd be missing if I had been too obsessed with making plans. Yes, I'm missing out on some other things....but I wouldn't trade what I have for what I don't.
  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I used to swear that nannying was the best birth control ever. And, now I'm like, wtf happened? Did I just work with devil spawns in the past, or am I getting bitten with the baby bug?

    The thought of being pregnant literally makes me sick. I can't fathom that. I do not want that, I think I have a whole weird issue with pregnancy. But I think a modified baby bug has bitten me.

    Josh's idea of adoption is like, Hey, lets find someone who is having twins and only wants one, and we can ask for the other...

    Men, seriously.. I wonder sometimes.

    lmao about the twins thing. Men are hilarious. :D If I end up pregnant with twins, in the future, I'll give you guys a call...because I definitely don't want any more than 2 kids. :D;)

    You might just be reaching an age where you are getting in touch with your nurturing/maternal side. (Obviously, you are already nurturing since you've been a nanny.) It happened to me when I was around 24. Then I got knocked up when I was 25, lol. SO glad that I got actively interested in kids before that happened. :D
  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    CityMouse wrote:
    omg! I can't believe someone else feels this way!!!
    I can't imagine it either, it really just bothers me on a visceral level, but everyone I mean EVERYONE thinks it is nuts says I'm the only person in the world who feels this way...
    it is one of the reasons I would adopt- I don't really have a problem with the idea of being a parent, I just don't want to be PREGNANT.

    I have heard of other people that have a serious phobia about pregnancy.

    You know what's funny? I totally expected to be completely freaked out by being pregnant. I am such a hypochondriac, too....so I was just sure I'd be in a 9-month-long panic. When it actually happened, though, I enjoyed most of it. But I definitely had a couple of mini-freakouts along the way. I was just certain that I was gonna die in childbirth. I'm not kidding. I was seriously concerned with that. And then I actually had a potentially life-threatening complication. That was fun. :D It was worth the trouble, though...in the end.
  • CityMouse
    CityMouse Posts: 1,010
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I've been told that I am crazy, and that when I truly want kids, I'll be more then happy to be pregnant. I think thats really unfair of people to assume. I don't think it's selfish not to want to be pregnant. Its a health risk to some people (My family has a condition that can run in the family, causing me to possibly have to be bed ridden for the entire pregnancy) I'd love to have a child, but I'd not like to be pregnant, and with children needing homes all over this planet, what better of a situation, right? It makes me sad that there are so many judgemental people out there. I shouldn't have to defend my right to adopt a child, versus carry one of my own.

    **I DO NOT mean anyone on here made me feel this way.. you have all been very supportive and sweet. And, I NEVER mind answering any questions.. I just don't like when people try to tell you that what worked for them will work for you.

    exactly. I have a condition where I would be at risk for gestational diabetes...but really it just seems like it would be too much of a toll on my body for nine months. Also I feel like I would be thinking about it ALL the time. I don't know how I could go through my daily life, go to work, etc knowing I was pregnant.

    people make a lot of assumptions about these things. the people I have said this to really seem to look down on me. and give me the whole "you'll like when you actually are pregnant" thing. One of my friends went OFF on me once-how could I NOT want to be pregnant? every woman WANTS to be pregnant, it's "natural" and "beautiful." Sorry, maybe I am a robot then.
    I think that is a way to make people feel better about the choices THEY made, sometimes they have to justify it to themselves. And as for adoption...yeah if a woman wants children, but doesn't want to experience pregnancy, what better solution than adoption? it helps the parent, the child, society, and the planet.
  • urbanhippie
    urbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Firstly, you have been very honest for sharing this on here. I think it's brave of you to talk so openly about things which obviously mean so much.

    Secondly, it is your absolute right to not want to have your own biological children. For whatever reasons. Its a sad thing that women who choose not to have children are not given the same respect as those who cannot. No one would dream of questioning them why.
    Pregnancy, for all that is called 'natural' is no bed of roses and I respect those who know in advance that it's not for them.

    However the desire to be a parent is strong in many people. I think that you have found an ideal solution to this. There are already children out there that need so much and hopefully you'll be in a position to give this to at least one of them.

    I didn't know that adoption cost so much in the US. This really is a shame. You'd think that the right thing would be to get these children into loving, stable homes as soon as possible.

    Good Luck for the future and I hope you get what you desire.
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • CityMouse
    CityMouse Posts: 1,010
    Brain of J.Lo wrote:
    I have heard of other people that have a serious phobia about pregnancy.

    You know what's funny? I totally expected to be completely freaked out by being pregnant. I am such a hypochondriac, too....so I was just sure I'd be in a 9-month-long panic. When it actually happened, though, I enjoyed most of it. But I definitely had a couple of mini-freakouts along the way. I was just certain that I was gonna die in childbirth. I'm not kidding. I was seriously concerned with that. And then I actually had a potentially life-threatening complication. That was fun. :D It was worth the trouble, though...in the end.

    ugh that's terrible that you had that complication. that is scary, but for me, it's not even that fear. It's not even fear really I guess, more like I don't want all that discomfort, nausea, hormonal problems, etc. and I just feel like it must FEEL REALLY WEIRD. I can't really explain it, but sometimes I really have a problem looking at other women who are pregnant, I just can't imagine how they are actually living day-to-day with so much going on in their body.
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    I was just looking at a photo database of special needs children that need homes.

    I must note, that in America, "special needs" adoptions can be very close to free.. This is what is considered a "special needs" adoption:

    "Special needs" describes several categories: disabilities, race, age, sibling status, and at-risk. When a child is determined to be a member of a "special needs" group, s/he may qualify for adoption assistance payments (subsidies), the amount of which is dependant on the type and severity of the the need.

    * Disabilities include mental, physical and emotional disabilities and disorders which can range from mild to severe. Behavioral problems are part of the emotional disabilities group.
    * Minority Race. Some agencies consider minority race alone to be a special need, especially when the child is male, and other agencies do not. This does not mean that being a member of a certain racial group or gender is a disability. It means that, at this time, we have not recruited enough families to adopt our waiting minority race children, and especially the boys. In all racial groups, males outnumber females, sometimes by as much as three to one.
    * Age. The age limit at which a child is considered to have special needs differs from one state to another and may differ according to the race of the child. In general, a child over age 5-8 years may be considered an older child.
    * Sibling groups. Sibling groups of two members are called small sibling groups. All others are considered to be large sibling groups. Since small sibling groups of pre-school age Caucasian children with mild to no disabilities are as easy to place as healthy white infants, such sib groups usually do not fall into the special needs category unless other factors, such as disability, minority race, or risk factors, are also present.
    * "At-risk" children. An an "at-risk" child is one who, while currently healthy, is at risk of developing learning, emotional, behavioral or physical disabilities in the future. Babies exposed to drugs, abuse, neglect, and those with genetic pre-dispositions to mental illness and physical disabilities are called "at-risk."

    Special needs children waiting to be adopted are referred to as "waiting" or "adoptable" children and have usually spent some amount of time in foster care.

    Sorry, thats wicked lengthy..

    But, seriously, these pictures are heartbreaking. It's one thing to know that so many children need homes, but to see their pictures... thats a different story.

    All ages, all the way through 18.
  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    CityMouse wrote:
    ugh that's terrible that you had that complication. that is scary, but for me, it's not even that fear. It's not even fear really I guess, more like I don't want all that discomfort, nausea, hormonal problems, etc. and I just feel like it must FEEL REALLY WEIRD. I can't really explain it, but sometimes I really have a problem looking at other women who are pregnant, I just can't imagine how they are actually living day-to-day with so much going on in their body.

    I was lucky in that I was pretty comfortable until the very end. Then I had been on bed rest (because of the pre-eclampsia/high blood pressure), and gained a ton of weight and was miserable and it was so hard to move around, lol.

    It felt really cool when I could feel her moving. My husband was kind of freaked out by it, lol, but I think for the mom it's kind of a "bonding with the baby" thing.

    I tend to focus/obsess on one thing at a time, and it was kind of hard going around and living my daily life/working/etc. while also thinking constantly about the pregnancy. It was exciting, but it did definitely get in the way sometimes because I was so focused on it.
  • urbanhippie
    urbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Brain of J.Lo wrote:
    I was lucky in that I was pretty comfortable until the very end. Then I had been on bed rest (because of the pre-eclampsia/high blood pressure), and gained a ton of weight and was miserable and it was so hard to move around, lol.
    I had that with my first. It sucks. Bigtime.
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    Brain of J.Lo wrote:
    lmao about the twins thing. Men are hilarious. :D If I end up pregnant with twins, in the future, I'll give you guys a call...because I definitely don't want any more than 2 kids. :D;)

    You might just be reaching an age where you are getting in touch with your nurturing/maternal side. (Obviously, you are already nurturing since you've been a nanny.) It happened to me when I was around 24. Then I got knocked up when I was 25, lol. SO glad that I got actively interested in kids before that happened. :D


    It'll be horribly ironic when I get knocked up with twins, and then there is no one to "take the second one"... :)

    I always tell josh to be quiet when he says something like that, because karma will bit us in the ass!

    25 eh? I'll be 25 soon!

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