keeping desires a secret
GraySaturday
Posts: 2,878
So I am a really open person, with friends, family, my husband and even people on a message board that I don't know..
But I have a hard time admitting something in my life, and I think its because I know it can't happen, at least for a whole long long time.
So, I say that I don't want children. But that's sort of a lie. True, I do not want to have my own children - But I deeply desire to adopt a child. My mother worked for adoption agencies when I was a child as a social worker and adoption counselor, so I do know a bit about the process. There are so many children, in America, and around the world that need nothing more then a home, and a family to care about them. I crave the ability to give the gift of a loving family and home to one of those children.
However, with the steep cost of the adoption process coupled by the sick/sad health care system in America, this just isn't a option for me. (At this point in my life)
So, this might not always be the case. Hopefully in about 2 or so years I will be a teacher, and hopefully have health benefits and such, but with a declining economy, I worry about how health care will further suffer. As it is, I have to buy my own health insurance and the cost is crazy, and the coverage is less than stellar. It's okay, but still a slight gamble for a healthy adult, but unacceptable for a child. Not to mention the 20k + that I would need to come up with for the adoption process alone.
So my issue is, why do I keep this a big secret in my life. I feel like I am such an "in the moment" person and to think that I have to wait many many years to even consider something I want so much really scares me. I feel like when I admit I want something, it's only because I know I can attain it, so I don't get disappointed when it's not going to happen.
Does anyone have a really hard time with this in their lives? (With another situation?) How do you work through years of waiting for something that you secretly want really badly now?
*It feels really good to actually type it out.
But I have a hard time admitting something in my life, and I think its because I know it can't happen, at least for a whole long long time.
So, I say that I don't want children. But that's sort of a lie. True, I do not want to have my own children - But I deeply desire to adopt a child. My mother worked for adoption agencies when I was a child as a social worker and adoption counselor, so I do know a bit about the process. There are so many children, in America, and around the world that need nothing more then a home, and a family to care about them. I crave the ability to give the gift of a loving family and home to one of those children.
However, with the steep cost of the adoption process coupled by the sick/sad health care system in America, this just isn't a option for me. (At this point in my life)
So, this might not always be the case. Hopefully in about 2 or so years I will be a teacher, and hopefully have health benefits and such, but with a declining economy, I worry about how health care will further suffer. As it is, I have to buy my own health insurance and the cost is crazy, and the coverage is less than stellar. It's okay, but still a slight gamble for a healthy adult, but unacceptable for a child. Not to mention the 20k + that I would need to come up with for the adoption process alone.
So my issue is, why do I keep this a big secret in my life. I feel like I am such an "in the moment" person and to think that I have to wait many many years to even consider something I want so much really scares me. I feel like when I admit I want something, it's only because I know I can attain it, so I don't get disappointed when it's not going to happen.
Does anyone have a really hard time with this in their lives? (With another situation?) How do you work through years of waiting for something that you secretly want really badly now?
*It feels really good to actually type it out.
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I am like this about things that are most important to me. For some reason, I like to keep them inside so people can't tell me not to want them...
I think it's because my mother always used to use phrases like "Well, don't get your hopes up..." or "You don't really want that, you should prefer this..." or "Why would you like that?"
Somehow, I feel it keeps important things safer if I just don't mention them out loud sometimes.
I always say, if it will make you happy then it can't be bad.
first man to buy all of Stones
underpants" E.V. during DTE 7-9-03
You know, my mother always said the same things.. She discouraged a lot of things in my life.
I'm started to realize how unhealthy it is to only speak up about things I know I can have. Because A. I certainly can't have a lot of things, so I'm holding back on a lot of ideas and dreams that might be out of reach, and B. How does one move ahead if they have shallow desires? Don't we all achieve great things when we push ourselves to the limit?
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
I did actually speak up about it yesterday with my husband. He's like, hey yeah, lets adopt a baby! Oh wait.. 20k? lets not. Money is such crap. He is such a practical person, and I think he has a hard time envisioning something so far out in the future. Coupled with the fact that he knows zero about adoption. It's a very foreign concept to him, and while he is open, he is more like.. taking it all in. If that makes sense.
And, sadly, we do not have insurance through either of our jobs. He does not have a benefits plan, just a small allowance of pre-taxed money set aside each pay check to go towards health care. However, what employers who offer that seem to not realize, is that that small amount would go much further in a group plan, then buying insurance individually.
My deepest desire right now is to move back to a city. (Specifically, Chicago...but maybe any city would do.) But I know we can't afford to live a city lifestyle right now, along with staying home with my daughter. I would have to work full time, and she'd be in daycare...and we still would be struggling, I think. It's just not something we can have right now.
I've gone back and forth between accepting this and submitting to it, and wanting and looking forward to changing it...
oh...gotta go but I'll comment more on this later, lol!
I just feel like there are many many children out there that need a home, and a loving family. I don't see the need in having my very own flesh and blood to create that loving family, and to me, while there are children out there that have this need, I don't feel the need to bring another child in the world. I have NOTHING against people having children, or anything, don't get me wrong.. But to me, it's like a way to give back almost, and change one child's life.
I don't think it's so much of keeping things secret in this case, I think you're just afraid to committ something so big. Once you say you want it, then you're letting down yourself AND other people if you don't do it. I think you want kids but you don't want kids unless it is a perfect situation, and that does make a lot of sense, but you are afraid people will judge you for that, and you may also be afraid that you won't get that perfect situation, so you're talking yourself out of that part of the truth. It's ok to sort of want something and sort of not. I am the same exact way for a lot of these same kinds of things- I *mostly* don't want kids, but I'd also just rather avoid the issue because I don't want to *really* think about whether I want them or not. I *mostly* don't want to get married, but I do *sort* of want to get married but only under certain conditions. But since I know most people wouldn't understand those certain conditions, and because it's unlikely those conditions will be met, it's easier just to say "I don't want to get married"-which, is also sort of true, because I *don't* want to if the conditions aren't met.
phew ok, that was some rambling.
as for your actual problem-If you don't have health benefits now, then yeah it's probably not a good idea to have kids! but if you're a teacher in the next few years, that's definitely doable. Teachers have excellent benefits, and the best possible work schedule for raising kids. I have friends who are teachers and they have two BEAUTIFUL adopted children from abroad. I think they have had to sacrifice a lot for their kids but if you could see these kids it would make you want to run out and adopt some of your own immediately!These people and another couple I used to know who also adopted 2 kids have really proven that it CAN be done on a small budget. I honestly have no idea how they did it but they did!
I still want what I want. I just don't mention it.
But, I think perhaps it limits opportunities when things aren't out in the air...so I'm working on this...
Graysaturday I totally agree with you. I don't think that I will adopt (but you never know) but if I made the decision to have kids, I would definitely adopt over having my own. it just seems to make so much more sense on so many levels.
I have found it to be SO helpful because my sons get a lot of time with us in the summer.
gotcha.
well obviously, the whole process of adoption is 'foreign' to most people, until the decide to go thru the process. so sure, you'll need to educate him some about it. and yes, you have to plan for it if you truly want it, and wait for it. and bummer about the healthcare. i just figured he would have it thru work as most professionals do. damn. however, that's another topic entirely.
as to th rest, and this is not a criticism on you - just a general observation - i think we as a society are just way too used to getting things NOW. we want it, we get it. while it would seem that would be gratifying, it isn't always necessarily the way to go. good things come to those who wait and all that.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Well yeah, I couldn't adopt a baby right now due to many factors. Money, school, etc. If I had 20k for a baby, it would be because my debt was paid.. so its all related. If I could adopt a baby tomorrow, then yes, I would.. because if I "could" adopt a baby, I'd be in that good place with all the other things in my life.
I do have a very hard time waiting for things in life. I'll admit that flaw! And I know it's important to wait, and do everything the right way, which is what I am doing.. but... it sucks!
>
...a lover and a fighter.
"I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa
http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians
Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
of course it does, but it also why so many things are sooo gratifying. working towards something and then getting it......really is better than simply getting it. the anitcipation, the build-up, the process, then the 'reward'...i am sure you know that all too well with your body transformation. sure, it's nice to get things NOW, but there is a LOT of good to waiting and working towards those goals.
i lived with a hideously pink bathroom for about 5 years.
enjoy what you have right NOW, and work towards what you want tomorrow. you'll find it really doesn't 'suck' as much as you might think.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
that's cool. I hope you get a chance to do it. Are you hoping for a baby, or would you adopt an older child? Again, sorry if it's too personal
I would adopt either. If it were a child from another country, I would tend to lean towards the younger end of the spectrum. Since I do not speak another language, I think that cultural differences can make the transition for an older child a bit harder.
I would enjoy any child, but the younger they are, the more milestones you get to go through with them.
Are there any charitable foundations that financially assist those wanting to adopt?
I don't actually know.. Thats something I should research!
Beats have a bake sale to raise money
Very true....getting an assist from a foundation would be easier then selling 20,000 cupcakes!
The way that I've learned to cope with desires that I can't fulfill immediately is to focus on the good that's happening now. It sounds obvious, yeah....but it's worth reminding yourself once in a while, because it's easy to get lost in the thought of what we can't have while we're ignoring all the things we do have.
I think once you're in school and spending so much time an energy working towards becoming a teacher, you'll be much less consumed with the thought of adopting right away.
someone once said to me "life has it's own rhythm and it's best not to force it." I have pretty much lived by that since my early 20s. I try to tell this to my friends who are panicing about not having rings on their fingers by a certain age or whatnot...it's like just go with it, when the time is right it is right. I thought I *had* to be in grad school by 25...but I knew in my gut the programs I was trying to "force" myself into weren't right...a year later it all just came together and I knew what I wanted to do. And it turned out to be something different. that's the thing, it might never happen, but whatever path you end up on is a good one.
I used to swear that nannying was the best birth control ever. And, now I'm like, wtf happened? Did I just work with devil spawns in the past, or am I getting bitten with the baby bug?
The thought of being pregnant literally makes me sick. I can't fathom that. I do not want that, I think I have a whole weird issue with pregnancy. But I think a modified baby bug has bitten me.
Josh's idea of adoption is like, Hey, lets find someone who is having twins and only wants one, and we can ask for the other...
Men, seriously.. I wonder sometimes.
I don't have that particular problem of saying it out loud, I say it all the time, I want to have my own children more than anything else in the whole entire world. But I don't have the finances or the health insurance. Or the partner/husband! (yet!) I'm working on it though
now why does it costs 20k to adopt a baby? I'm sure I have mentioned to you I am a social worker also.
"Sometimes life should be consumed in measured doses"
6-01-06
6/25/08
Free Speedy
and Metsy!
omg! I can't believe someone else feels this way!!!
I can't imagine it either, it really just bothers me on a visceral level, but everyone I mean EVERYONE thinks it is nuts says I'm the only person in the world who feels this way...
it is one of the reasons I would adopt- I don't really have a problem with the idea of being a parent, I just don't want to be PREGNANT.
Actually, I didn't know you are a social worker. What kind of SW do you do?
Your first paragraph.. yeah thats exactly it. I think it's hard too, my family and friends would push me to have my own child. Because for some reason not everyone is supportive of what I truly want. Everyone has their own agenda. I think I have a fear of being shot down, and not fully supported on something that is SO important to me.
I used to think that being happily married with no kids would be more than enough for me in life. But the more I work with children, and the more I spend time seeing how much a great parent - child relationship can enrich everyone's lives (both child and parent) I can only hope to have that some day.
It costs so much because of the numerous fees that agencies charge. While no one can "sell" a child, they sure can rack up the fees!
I hope your dream comes true though then.
IMO it only matters what you and your husband think, I know it's easier said than done though
I work as a therapist.
I've never heard of an adoption costing 20K. That's why I asked.
"Sometimes life should be consumed in measured doses"
6-01-06
6/25/08
Free Speedy
and Metsy!
I've been told that I am crazy, and that when I truly want kids, I'll be more then happy to be pregnant. I think thats really unfair of people to assume. I don't think it's selfish not to want to be pregnant. Its a health risk to some people (My family has a condition that can run in the family, causing me to possibly have to be bed ridden for the entire pregnancy) I'd love to have a child, but I'd not like to be pregnant, and with children needing homes all over this planet, what better of a situation, right? It makes me sad that there are so many judgemental people out there. I shouldn't have to defend my right to adopt a child, versus carry one of my own.
**I DO NOT mean anyone on here made me feel this way.. you have all been very supportive and sweet. And, I NEVER mind answering any questions.. I just don't like when people try to tell you that what worked for them will work for you.