Parents, How do you discipline teen kid(s)?

LONGRD · June 2008

My mother having a hard time controlling/raising my 14-year-old brother. Over the phone, I heard him calling her a bitch and saying how she have too much control over his life and won't let him hang out with friends. She just want him to give information about the friend(s)' home phone and parents are but he refuses too. He gave her just a cell number and when she called the answer person didn't know who she was looking for.

I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.

In my old country, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, I was ready for a beating/spanking by my mother. But here in the U.S., she can't do that or else the social service people will intervene.

She had a bit of hard time raising me but I was sometimes reasonable with her. But my young brother isn't. He's into the hip hop/rap music and is pretty much very disrespectful too.

Anyways, I really want to beat the shit out of him to make him more reasonable with things. I know he's only 14 but I wasn't that bad when I was 14.

So any parents of a teen(around 14) know the best ways to raise a boy?

the wolf · June 2008

if i had a 14 year old brother call our mother a bitch, i would have to kick his ass. i would deal with the trouble i would get into. lol.

good luck.

restlesssoul · June 2008

LongRd. wrote:

I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.

step up to the plate. its on you this time. youve got to give him a beating. its the only thing that will save him.

my girlfriends cousin is an absolute asshole. for his 14th birthday he got a sentencing on : possesion of stolen goods, assault, and carrying a hidden weapon.

these stories i hear make me not want to have kids. there is no discipline and they need a good swift shoe in the nuts to keep em inline.

maybe you should seriously try to talk to him first and if he gives you any lip or brushes you off, show him how serious you are and lay the smack down.

good luck

LONGRD · June 2008

the wolf wrote:

if i had a 14 year old brother call our mother i bitch, i would have to kick his ass. i would deal with the trouble i would get into. lol.

good luck.

Yeah I really want to beat some sense into him that's all. I'm not sure if you can discipline these kids verbally, words just go into one ear out another.

the wolf · June 2008

LongRd. wrote:

Yeah I really want to beat some sense into him that's all. I'm not sure if you can discipline these kids verbally, words just go into one ear out another.

i think kids have too much these days, and take waaaay to much for granted.

if i had called my mother a bitch, my sisters would have beat the holy shit out of me. not to mention my mom and dad. i would have been beating to a pulp.

LONGRD · June 2008

restlesssoul wrote:

step up to the plate. its on you this time. youve got to give him a beating. its the only thing that will save him.

my girlfriends cousin is an absolute asshole. for his 14th birthday he got a sentencing on : possesion of stolen goods, assault, and carrying a hidden weapon.

these stories i hear make me not want to have kids. there is no discipline and they need a good swift shoe in the nuts to keep em inline.

maybe you should seriously try to talk to him first and if he gives you any lip or brushes you off, show him how serious you are and lay the smack down.

good luck

Yeah, I've talked to him; telling him not to put his friends over his family but he doesn't care. When friends invite him to do things, he gets excited. But every time I bring them to family gatherings, he always grumpy and angry.

What pisses me off is that when I was younger, I had no Internet access, no car access no nothing, and lived in a government project. My mother has a home, a car to drive him to school and elsewhere. Even buys him clothes from the mall. All I ever gotten was clothes from the goodwill or Wal-mart. We were poor when I was growing up but now my mother makes a good enough living.

I've told him how easy he has over my youth but he keeps acting up.

justam · June 2008

I don't think beating is a good answer but I do think your mom could use the help of the kid's older brother. Young boys need men to set limits for them in addition to their moms I think. They need a male to push against to see how far they can go before it's too far.

Help your mom out by talking to him about what is NOT acceptable behavior for him as far as you're concerned. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, you should still help her out. I think without a dad, you're the next best thing he has to set limits.

LONGRD · June 2008

justam wrote:

I don't think beating is a good answer but I do think your mom could use the help of the kid's older brother. Young boys need men to set limits for them in addition to their moms I think. They need a male to push against to see how far they can go before it's too far.

Help your mom out by talking to him about what is NOT acceptable behavior for him as far as you're concerned. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, you should still help her out. I think without a dad, you're the next best thing he has to set limits.

Yes, I've tried but it seems like he'd rather listen to his friends and please his friends more than anything. He finds happiness with shitty friends. He's a weak individual, a wannabe and a follower- easily influenced.

I've never thought about the impact of the music/movie industry but now I think I'm on the parents' side after seeing this first hand. He's basically everything you see in those rap videos. They have a "don't care" attitude and "me against the world" thoughts and nothing we can do about it. Pisses me off he'd values those type of people than his family.

As a teen, my friends and I hated that gangsta-poser type kids so I was never into that stuff. And when I did get into a fight it was always fisticuffs.

justam · June 2008

LongRd. wrote:

Yes, I've tried but it seems like he'd rather listen to his friends and please his friends more than anything. He finds happiness with shitty friends. He's a weak individual, a wannabe and a follower- easily influenced.

I've never thought about the impact of the music/movie industry but now I think I'm on the parents' side after seeing this first hand. He's basically everything you see in those rap videos. They have a "don't care" attitude and "me against the world" thoughts and nothing we can do about it. Pisses me off he'd values those type of people than his family.

As a teen, my friends and I hated that gangsta-poser type kids so I was never into that stuff. And when I did get into a fight it was always fisticuffs.

Well, I wouldn't stop talking just because he doesn't care to listen at this point. With children (and adults too for that matter!), sometimes it takes repetition to get the ideas to sink in.

It's interesting how being a parent can change our minds about things like pop-culture and boundaries isn't it? We can look at things and finally understand WHY older people believe one idea is better than another for young people. It's not just a matter of control or whim, it's seeing what is helpful and what doesn't work.

acoustic guy · June 2008

justam wrote:

I don't think beating is a good answer but I do think your mom could use the help of the kid's older brother. Young boys need men to set limits for them in addition to their moms I think. They need a male to push against to see how far they can go before it's too far.

Help your mom out by talking to him about what is NOT acceptable behavior for him as far as you're concerned. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, you should still help her out. I think without a dad, you're the next best thing he has to set limits.

I dunno, for some young boys, thats what they respond too, is there a father figure? If not, maybe thats whats missing a good beating, knock some sense into him.
I know that looks bad when reading it but I am not for chikld abuse at all! But sometimes the boys need to get put into place.

westsidepie · June 2008

acoustic guy wrote:

I dunno, for some young boys, thats what they respond too, is there a father figure? If not, maybe thats whats missing a good beating, knock some sense into him.
I know that looks bad when reading it but I am not for chikld abuse at all! But sometimes the boys need to get put into place.

I agree for boys there really needs to be a father figure. I am sorry if this seems sexist, but they really need an alpha male to nip them. Notice I am not saying beat up, alpha male nips. The reason he listens to his friends is they are becoming his family. I know that may be hard to hear. I know this from personal experience going up with an absent father. It is pretty scary for a young kid. All of a sudden you find acceptance with a group of guys who seems to really care about you. It is a dangerous combination. I wished a father figure (or for that matter my own father) would have stepped up to the plate. I would have avoided a lot of trouble in my life.

One last thing, I think kids feel safer with boundaries, and I mean boundaries not a cage. Moving past boundaries is something you earn as you learn how to handle life and the decisions that come when boundaries are removed.

PJaddicted · June 2008

I'm sorry....this is a really hard one for your mom. I have four sons, 21, 19, 17 and 14. Not one has ever called me the *B* word. It could still happen, I'm not done raising my kids yet....I still have a very long way to go. If your brother is that bad at 14, it is only going to get worse over the next three years. Your mom needs to seek some professional help, I'd suggest a counselor who specializes in teens. I was one of those teens like your brother, and once I hated my parents, no amount of talking, yelling or physical punishment made a bit of difference in anything that I did. Thankfully I grew up, and became a fairly decent human being, and was able to raise my children a bit different then my parents raised me. I don't hit, yell or ground. I talk, respect them the way I want to be respected, and so far thankfully it has worked, my boys are turning into great men. I find that once the yelling begins, the child shuts you out immediately, and just becomes angry at the parent...they don't ever see their part in any situation. It is normal for teens to think the world revolves around themselves. I wish you and your mom luck with him, try to get them into some help before it is too late.

oxc

acoustic guy · June 2008

westsidepie wrote:

I agree for boys there really needs to be a father figure. I am sorry if this seems sexist, but they really need an alpha male to nip them. Notice I am not saying beat up, alpha male nips. The reason he listens to his friends is they are becoming his family. I know that may be hard to hear. I know this from personal experience going up with an absent father. It is pretty scary for a young kid. All of a sudden you find acceptance with a group of guys who seems to really care about you. It is a dangerous combination. I wished a father figure (or for that matter my own father) would have stepped up to the plate. I would have avoided a lot of trouble in my life.

One last thing, I think kids feel safer with boundaries, and I mean boundaries not a cage. Moving past boundaries is something you earn as you learn how to handle life and the decisions that come when boundaries are removed.

Exactly, you said it better then I. I had many problem sat home when I was young so I turned to my friends. I was with them 24-7. Now, b/c we were so close then I have to stay in touch now. My wife does not understand why this is so b/c she grew up in a tight family. She thinks Its weird for a 33 year old guy to hang with his friends a few times a month. Maybe it is but Its what I am used to for alsmot 20 years. They are like my second family. I can only learn from what happened to me and try to keep my family real close.

LONGRD · June 2008

westsidepie wrote:

I agree for boys there really needs to be a father figure. I am sorry if this seems sexist, but they really need an alpha male to nip them. Notice I am not saying beat up, alpha male nips. The reason he listens to his friends is they are becoming his family. I know that may be hard to hear. I know this from personal experience going up with an absent father. It is pretty scary for a young kid. All of a sudden you find acceptance with a group of guys who seems to really care about you. It is a dangerous combination. I wished a father figure (or for that matter my own father) would have stepped up to the plate. I would have avoided a lot of trouble in my life.

One last thing, I think kids feel safer with boundaries, and I mean boundaries not a cage. Moving past boundaries is something you earn as you learn how to handle life and the decisions that come when boundaries are removed.

You're absolutely correct on "friends as a family" thing. My friends were like that to me when i was a kid b/c my single mother was working two jobs just to pay the bills and she's hardly ever home. However, I was very responsible with the things I did. I always gave out my friends' home addresses and phone numbers to my mom when ever I'm out. I wasn't the perfect son neither but never gave her too hard of a time.

My little brother doesn't do that he basically do thing his own way. I also think she spoiled him a lot too since she buys him everything he wants. I got my clothes from Wal-mart and goodwill growing up.

So yeah, I think I'm going to have to step in to make sure it doesn't escalate any further. I had a hardship childhood and my little has everything but that might be the problem too; too spoiled.

sponger · June 2008

Wow, I cannot believe I'm actually reading these responses suggesting that this kid deserves to be physically assaulted because he cursed at his mother.

And what's more is that the reasoning over and over again is basically because "it's what would've happened to me."

LOL. That just means that you still don't understand why it's wrong to insult the people that we love.

Sure, a beating might stop the name-calling, but this kid will not understand the importance of considering other peoples' feelings. He'll only understand that respect is based on fear.

"Why did you stop calling your mother a bitch? Is it because you realized that you love her and you didn't want to hurt her feelings? Did you realize that sometimes when we get angry, we say things we don't mean?"

"No, it's because I was afraid of being physically assaulted."

Wow, real good lesson being taught there. What happened to "let's make the world a better place"?

....and here we are laughing at the muslims because they go ape-shit over muhammed cartoons.....meanwhile we advocate beating children because they use the "B" word.

There is no difference.

LONGRD · June 2008

PJaddicted wrote:

I'm sorry....this is a really hard one for your mom. I have four sons, 21, 19, 17 and 14. Not one has ever called me the *B* word. It could still happen, I'm not done raising my kids yet....I still have a very long way to go. If your brother is that bad at 14, it is only going to get worse over the next three years. Your mom needs to seek some professional help, I'd suggest a counselor who specializes in teens. I was one of those teens like your brother, and once I hated my parents, no amount of talking, yelling or physical punishment made a bit of difference in anything that I did. Thankfully I grew up, and became a fairly decent human being, and was able to raise my children a bit different then my parents raised me. I don't hit, yell or ground. I talk, respect them the way I want to be respected, and so far thankfully it has worked, my boys are turning into great men. I find that once the yelling begins, the child shuts you out immediately, and just becomes angry at the parent...they don't ever see their part in any situation. It is normal for teens to think the world revolves around themselves. I wish you and your mom luck with him, try to get them into some help before it is too late.

oxc

Thank you for the advice.

Yes, I've taken some action already b/c my mother called me at work Friday about the situation with my brother (and she's NEVER called me at work before). So I knew it was something serious, so I phoned a family friend of the family, who's a local Catholic nun. The nun knows a lot about us but I don't think my mother has told her about her problems with my little brother. I think my mother is too embarrassed to seek help. But I had to ask the nun to help my mom out. Sister Katherine(the nun's name) actually drive to see my mother and brother that night to talk to them.

I don't know what happen with their chat but I hope it'll calm this down a bit.

[It's weird I'm a non-religious person but I've always always relied on this Catholic nun to help me out]

LONGRD · June 2008

sponger wrote:

Wow, I cannot believe I'm actually reading these responses suggesting that this kid deserves to be physically assaulted because he cursed at his mother.

And what's more is that the reasoning over and over again is basically because "it's what would've happened to me."

LOL. That just means that you still don't understand why it's wrong to insult the people that we love.

Sure, a beating might stop the name-calling, but this kid will not understand the importance of considering other peoples' feelings. He'll only understand that respect is based on fear.

"Why did you stop calling your mother a bitch? Is it because you realized that you love her and you didn't want to hurt her feelings? Did you realize that sometimes when we get angry, we say things we don't mean?"

"No, it's because I was afraid of being physically assaulted."

Wow, real good lesson being taught there. What happened to "let's make the world a better place"?

....and here we are laughing at the muslims because they go ape-shit over muhammed cartoons.....meanwhile we advocate beating children because they use the "B" word.

There is no difference.

It's not just the word, there's more shit this punk's done within the last year now.

When my mom used to spank me, it wasn't just senseless beating- she talked and talked as well to make sure I understand what's right and wrong. And I slowly learned.

Well, right now we're all in "talking"/lecture period but if he keeps up, I will have to show him what's right and wrong.

PJaddicted · June 2008

LongRd. wrote:

Thank you for the advice.

Yes, I've taken some action already b/c my mother called me at work Friday about the situation with my brother (and she's NEVER called me at work before). So I knew it was something serious, so I phoned a family friend of the family, who's a local Catholic nun. The nun knows a lot about us but I don't think my mother has told her about her problems with my little brother. I think my mother is too embarrassed to seek help. But I had to ask the nun to help my mom out. Sister Katherine(the nun's name) actually drive to see my mother and brother that night to talk to them.

I don't know what happen with their chat but I hope it'll calm this down a bit.

[It's weird I'm a non-religious person but I've always always relied on this Catholic nun to help me out]

How is he doing in school? Do you have a pediatrician that you trust, he could help steer your mom to some other help if the nun doesn't work out.

oxc

sponger · June 2008

LongRd. wrote:

It's not just the word, there's more shit this punk's done within the last year now.

When my mom used to spank me, it wasn't just senseless beating- she talked and talked as well to make sure I understand what's right and wrong. And I slowly learned.

Well, right now we're all in "talking"/lecture period but if he keeps up, I will have to show him what's right and wrong.

You mean if your "talking"/lecture skills aren't up to par....

Violence is never a solution. As a PJ fan, you should be able to understand that.

Kids who repeatedly act out have issues. Spankings do not solve those issues. Those issues only become suppressed and resurface elsewhere in other forms.

An example is that study which found that sexual deviance is present more often in people who were spanked as children. The behavior that those people were spanked for was stopped as a result of the spanking, but those people become disturbed because of it. Sexual deviance is not an overt form of emotional disturbance, but it is certainly indicative of an imbalance never the less.

LONGRD · June 2008

PJaddicted wrote:

How is he doing in school? Do you have a pediatrician that you trust, he could help steer your mom to some other help if the nun doesn't work out.

oxc

His grades were great, around A's and B's but since September, his grades DROPPED dramatically. He was getting D's and C's in third report card. He will be going to high school in September (if all grades are passing).

It's the friends he's around with, my mother says.

westsidepie · June 2008

sponger wrote:

Wow, I cannot believe I'm actually reading these responses suggesting that this kid deserves to be physically assaulted because he cursed at his mother.

And what's more is that the reasoning over and over again is basically because "it's what would've happened to me."

LOL. That just means that you still don't understand why it's wrong to insult the people that we love.

Sure, a beating might stop the name-calling, but this kid will not understand the importance of considering other peoples' feelings. He'll only understand that respect is based on fear.

"Why did you stop calling your mother a bitch? Is it because you realized that you love her and you didn't want to hurt her feelings? Did you realize that sometimes when we get angry, we say things we don't mean?"

"No, it's because I was afraid of being physically assaulted."

Wow, real good lesson being taught there. What happened to "let's make the world a better place"?

....and here we are laughing at the muslims because they go ape-shit over muhammed cartoons.....meanwhile we advocate beating children because they use the "B" word.

There is no difference.

I just want to be clear. I NEVER advocated beating, hitting, or any other physical punishment. I don't do it with my kids, because I don't think it accomplishes anything. However, firmness, boundaries, and a strong father figure (and by strong I mean someone who sticks to his convictions and is willing to take the hard patient road) are essential. Kids like this are often acting out of fear. I know, I was one of them. You cannot combat fear with more fear. You have to give the kid confidence that they are strong enough to face life's challenges. In other words, you lead by example.

Parents, How do you discipline teen kid(s)?

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