I took psychology classes and understand some of the side effects may causes but believe it's not in our culture or nature to be so disrespectful like this. It's the American youth and hip-hop/rock culture that corrupted a lot of the kids I saw growing up. I was one of them. If I was in an environment like I was before I came to the U.S., I would have never been that bad.
That's the problem with culture: It's not real. Behavior that results from cultural norms cannot be equated to an actual sense of morality. That is, just because your culture dictates what is or isn't respectful doesn't mean respect is actually defined by your culture.
The evidence to that is how easily swayed you were by exposure to hip-hop/rock culture. If your original cultural upbringing was truly a strong moral foundation, then you would not have been so susceptible to outside influences.
Keep in mind that people naturally know very little about themselves. I refer to the concept of emotional intelligence. Culture steps in and creates a generalized, superficial, and ultimately delusional sense of identity so as to fill that void and induce a sense of societal harmony.
I'm paying the price right now with my life and situation I'm in. I'm in a state of bad karma. I'm trying to make things better.
My brother has no value or respect for our culture and tradition whatsoever. My mother told me she wanted to have us all visit our families in her native country as a family, my brother response by saying he'll rather stay at his friends house. Do you realized how painful and heart broken my mother was when he said that? She cried and cried.
In other words, your brother is just smart enough to know that culture is ridiculously superifical, but he hasn't yet been able to understand for himself what it means to be a part of the family.
What you call a lack of respect for culture and tradition is actually a desire to understand people and emotions for what they really are. In other words, you follow the wishes of your mother because you want to be "normal."
Your brother yearns to understand what it means to actually care. In some ways, it sounds as though you have a lot to learn from your brother.
You as an American might think the way my people teach and discipline kids in my culture/country like we're savages and uncivilized people but it works. The kids obey their parents and adults. I was like that as a toddler to 12-years-old but that all changed in my teen years in New York. I was a terrible son/kid. Do you ever hear of any school shooting in South East Asia? Hardly ever.
But, your region has a long history of culture and tradition being such a strong force of influence in the lives of individual people that all too often human atrocities have occurred in the name of cultural symbolism.
You said you took psychology classes. Did you at least get to the upper division level so that you could study the concept of obedience?
I would be surprised if you studied obedience theory and still held the concept of culture in such high regard.
Discipling your kids does not need to involve hitting them. All this does is re- inforce the belief that violence is the first resort when you're frustrated.
I have 3 sons aged 15, 5 and 3 and a 12 year old daughter and I use different forms of discipline for each of them. It's just a case of finding out what works. I agree that sons need a male role model to follow and as I'm a single parent I rely alot on my Dad and my brother for this...There are somethings that boys want to talk to boys about y'know?
Respect is the key here.. Talk to the boy like he's at least halfway to adulthood...Negotiate, compromise and make rules together. If he has some input into how his life is run then maybe he won't resent the times when you need to put your foot down and say 'It WILL be this way'.
I find that the more I talk to and respect my kids the more it is reciprocated. Yes, sometimes you have to be the parent and say 'NO', but save this for the times when it really matters and then it'll make more of an impact.
As for the name calling, although my kids have never called me a bitch, I've been told I'm hated on more than one occasion. I find responding with 'Well thats a shame, because I love you' is usually sufficient to make them think about what they've said.
I'm a therapist who works with parents of delinquent kids. This is not your issue to deal with unfortunately. Beating him up only tells him that when he's pissed at someone that he should fight that person. Keep giving the positive messages, the rest isn't your responsibility. You might be able to do things that aren't necessarily "family outings". Take him to a Pearl Jam concert! Or just pretend to be nice to him and get him to talk about his peers. Butter him up, tell him you're impressed with how he pulls shit off. Get the info and give it to your mom.
Not sure what your mom is doing to handle the issue, but there must be some leverage she has to get phone numbers of peer parents. I know it's hard to problem solve when your kid is calling you a bitch, but your brother is just trying to push buttons and show your mom that he has power in the family. If your mom hits him, she only shows a loss of control that has been given to the 14 year old. Not reacting is okay or maybe a "I love you too" / "sorry you feel that way" response is better. That often gets under their skin because they realize they don't have the power to set the parent off.
This is my "expert" advice going off of a few paragraphs. I'm sure there is much more going on.
My mother having a hard time controlling/raising my 14-year-old brother. Over the phone, I heard him calling her a bitch and saying how she have too much control over his life and won't let him hang out with friends. She just want him to give information about the friend(s)' home phone and parents are but he refuses too. He gave her just a cell number and when she called the answer person didn't know who she was looking for.
I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.
In my old country, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, I was ready for a beating/spanking by my mother. But here in the U.S., she can't do that or else the social service people will intervene.
She had a bit of hard time raising me but I was sometimes reasonable with her. But my young brother isn't. He's into the hip hop/rap music and is pretty much very disrespectful too.
Anyways, I really want to beat the shit out of him to make him more reasonable with things. I know he's only 14 but I wasn't that bad when I was 14.
So any parents of a teen(around 14) know the best ways to raise a boy?
These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
I'm a therapist who works with parents of delinquent kids. This is not your issue to deal with unfortunately. Beating him up only tells him that when he's pissed at someone that he should fight that person. Keep giving the positive messages, the rest isn't your responsibility. You might be able to do things that aren't necessarily "family outings". Take him to a Pearl Jam concert! Or just pretend to be nice to him and get him to talk about his peers. Butter him up, tell him you're impressed with how he pulls shit off. Get the info and give it to your mom.
Not sure what your mom is doing to handle the issue, but there must be some leverage she has to get phone numbers of peer parents. I know it's hard to problem solve when your kid is calling you a bitch, but your brother is just trying to push buttons and show your mom that he has power in the family. If your mom hits him, she only shows a loss of control that has been given to the 14 year old. Not reacting is okay or maybe a "I love you too" / "sorry you feel that way" response is better. That often gets under their skin because they realize they don't have the power to set the parent off.
This is my "expert" advice going off of a few paragraphs. I'm sure there is much more going on.
Excellent post.
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
I'm a therapist who works with parents of delinquent kids. This is not your issue to deal with unfortunately. Beating him up only tells him that when he's pissed at someone that he should fight that person. Keep giving the positive messages, the rest isn't your responsibility. You might be able to do things that aren't necessarily "family outings". Take him to a Pearl Jam concert! Or just pretend to be nice to him and get him to talk about his peers. Butter him up, tell him you're impressed with how he pulls shit off. Get the info and give it to your mom.
that might work if he has the brain of a toddler............seriously it isn't some after school special...........
Discipling your kids does not need to involve hitting them. All this does is re- inforce the belief that violence is the first resort when you're frustrated.
I have 3 sons aged 15, 5 and 3 and a 12 year old daughter and I use different forms of discipline for each of them. It's just a case of finding out what works. I agree that sons need a male role model to follow and as I'm a single parent I rely alot on my Dad and my brother for this...There are somethings that boys want to talk to boys about y'know?
Respect is the key here.. Talk to the boy like he's at least halfway to adulthood...Negotiate, compromise and make rules together. If he has some input into how his life is run then maybe he won't resent the times when you need to put your foot down and say 'It WILL be this way'.
I find that the more I talk to and respect my kids the more it is reciprocated. Yes, sometimes you have to be the parent and say 'NO', but save this for the times when it really matters and then it'll make more of an impact.
As for the name calling, although my kids have never called me a bitch, I've been told I'm hated on more than one occasion. I find responding with 'Well thats a shame, because I love you' is usually sufficient to make them think about what they've said.
Oops, I actually meant to say this is an excellent post.
The other one was OK but I misquoted it.
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
When did your brother start calling her a bitch? I doubt that was the first time.Whats next the f-bomb.The shits gotta stop now.We are parents first,friends to them second.Mom has got to tell him that she will not be talked to in that manner or else there will be consequences AKA punishment.Your Mom has to take control of the situation now.Good Luck!!!!
i never had to dicipline my two eldest children. i was lucky. i guess my presence was intimidating enough. however i see such a vast difference with my two youngest. both my son and youngest daughter are head strong and they dont hit teenage for a couple of years yet(he is 11 , she is 9).
i know i'll handle it okay cause i will handle it as i have done their elder sisters. i brook no bullshit and i demand respect. i can do this cause i give respect and treat them as i wish to be treated. i am not their friend foremost but i will be there if and when they need me. i constantly let them know that above all else honesty is the key. i can not defend them if they lie to be. lies are indefensible in my world and it is a view my children have always grown up with. i love them but that love is not blind.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
When did your brother start calling her a bitch? I doubt that was the first time.Whats next the f-bomb.The shits gotta stop now.We are parents first,friends to them second.Mom has got to tell him that she will not be talked to in that manner or else there will be consequences AKA punishment.Your Mom has to take control of the situation now.Good Luck!!!!
Oh the B-word, the F-bombs and even the N-a words too. His kid thinks he's a gangsta. I've already discipline him about the N-a word already but he thinks it's acceptable. :rolleyes:
I just try to remember the kids who stayed out of trouble when I was a kid.
From my recollection, those kids weren't staying out of trouble because they were afraid of their parents. They just had enough self-respect and self-confidence to do the right thing without succumbing to the almighty force of peer pressure. And it be said for almost certain that those kids had a strong support network available to them in the form of healthy family relationships.
A positive self-image is the cornerstone of moral decision making.
I'm a therapist who works with parents of delinquent kids. This is not your issue to deal with unfortunately. Beating him up only tells him that when he's pissed at someone that he should fight that person. Keep giving the positive messages, the rest isn't your responsibility. You might be able to do things that aren't necessarily "family outings". Take him to a Pearl Jam concert! Or just pretend to be nice to him and get him to talk about his peers. Butter him up, tell him you're impressed with how he pulls shit off. Get the info and give it to your mom.
Not sure what your mom is doing to handle the issue, but there must be some leverage she has to get phone numbers of peer parents. I know it's hard to problem solve when your kid is calling you a bitch, but your brother is just trying to push buttons and show your mom that he has power in the family. If your mom hits him, she only shows a loss of control that has been given to the 14 year old. Not reacting is okay or maybe a "I love you too" / "sorry you feel that way" response is better. That often gets under their skin because they realize they don't have the power to set the parent off.
This is my "expert" advice going off of a few paragraphs. I'm sure there is much more going on.
LOL...he's totally not into Pearl Jam. I've tried letting him listen to PJ. He did like the Beasties at first but now thinks they're cheesy.
When my mother beat me when I was a kid, it wasn't senseless beating at all. I learned a lot of morals and responsibilities through it. It's really hard for her to raised my young siblings in the U.S. Believe me, if we were back in our native country, we would be at peace.
My mother having a hard time controlling/raising my 14-year-old brother. Over the phone, I heard him calling her a bitch and saying how she have too much control over his life and won't let him hang out with friends. She just want him to give information about the friend(s)' home phone and parents are but he refuses too. He gave her just a cell number and when she called the answer person didn't know who she was looking for.
I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.
In my old country, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, I was ready for a beating/spanking by my mother. But here in the U.S., she can't do that or else the social service people will intervene.
She had a bit of hard time raising me but I was sometimes reasonable with her. But my young brother isn't. He's into the hip hop/rap music and is pretty much very disrespectful too.
Anyways, I really want to beat the shit out of him to make him more reasonable with things. I know he's only 14 but I wasn't that bad when I was 14.
So any parents of a teen(around 14) know the best ways to raise a boy?
Hire another teenager that can beat the shit out of him.
"If you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much room."
Gambling=a taxation on stupidity.
Remember, you can walk anywhere, as long as you have the time.
I have a 17 year old boy and I have to say when they turn into teenagers the game changes. Now it's all about privileges. I make sure I give him the freedoms he wants within reason but with the condition that a) he needs to play by predefined rules that we both agree to and b) if he breaks those rules the privileges can be gone. It's not always easy, but that's the language they speak. Consistancy is also important - if he breaks curfew or doesn't call in, etc. there aren't very many excuses that are good enough for me. It's not easy but the important thing to realize is that your role in influencing who they are diminishes as they get older, so it's not so much about raising them as it is guiding them...
I have a 17 year old boy and I have to say when they turn into teenagers the game changes. Now it's all about privileges. I make sure I give him the freedoms he wants within reason but with the condition that a) he needs to play by predefined rules that we both agree to and b) if he breaks those rules the privileges can be gone. It's not always easy, but that's the language they speak. Consistancy is also important - if he breaks curfew or doesn't call in, etc. there aren't very many excuses that are good enough for me. It's not easy but the important thing to realize is that your role in influencing who they are diminishes as they get older, so it's not so much about raising them as it is guiding them...
Well said.
"If you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much room."
Gambling=a taxation on stupidity.
Remember, you can walk anywhere, as long as you have the time.
I have a 17 year old boy and I have to say when they turn into teenagers the game changes. Now it's all about privileges. I make sure I give him the freedoms he wants within reason but with the condition that a) he needs to play by predefined rules that we both agree to and b) if he breaks those rules the privileges can be gone. It's not always easy, but that's the language they speak. Consistancy is also important - if he breaks curfew or doesn't call in, etc. there aren't very many excuses that are good enough for me. It's not easy but the important thing to realize is that your role in influencing who they are diminishes as they get older, so it's not so much about raising them as it is guiding them...
On second thought, had Bill been sent to military school, he would have never formed Wild Stallions with Ted, thus the world would have been doomed . . . hmmm . . . well, I'm out of ideas.
If one of my brothers ever called my mom a bitch, she wouldn't have needed one of the other sons to come to the rescue. She would have knocked that mofo out herself and then when Dad got home, he would have done it too. Not saying that is the right approach, but we all turned out to be good people. Well, in my eyes, we are good people. I'm sure many would disagree.
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Not sure what your mom is doing to handle the issue, but there must be some leverage she has to get phone numbers of peer parents. I know it's hard to problem solve when your kid is calling you a bitch, but your brother is just trying to push buttons and show your mom that he has power in the family. If your mom hits him, she only shows a loss of control that has been given to the 14 year old. Not reacting is okay or maybe a "I love you too" / "sorry you feel that way" response is better. That often gets under their skin because they realize they don't have the power to set the parent off.
This is my "expert" advice going off of a few paragraphs. I'm sure there is much more going on.
great post...as a teacher i have found this works quite well with my most delinquent students-even if it bothers me deep down i never show it to them-never let them set me off (ok i'm not perfect i have definitely been set off before in class-but i really try) i let them know that i am not there for them to like me i am there to have mutual respect and i will show them respect but they ahve to showme respect also....parents aren't meant to be friends (sure they might be later on in life)....taking away priveledges is always the best route-your mom needs to realize that by buying him whatever he wants lets him know that he does what he wants and his mom will go along with it..........i'm not an expert-but deetroitbball has some great advice along with others here:)
Comments
That's the problem with culture: It's not real. Behavior that results from cultural norms cannot be equated to an actual sense of morality. That is, just because your culture dictates what is or isn't respectful doesn't mean respect is actually defined by your culture.
The evidence to that is how easily swayed you were by exposure to hip-hop/rock culture. If your original cultural upbringing was truly a strong moral foundation, then you would not have been so susceptible to outside influences.
Keep in mind that people naturally know very little about themselves. I refer to the concept of emotional intelligence. Culture steps in and creates a generalized, superficial, and ultimately delusional sense of identity so as to fill that void and induce a sense of societal harmony.
In other words, your brother is just smart enough to know that culture is ridiculously superifical, but he hasn't yet been able to understand for himself what it means to be a part of the family.
What you call a lack of respect for culture and tradition is actually a desire to understand people and emotions for what they really are. In other words, you follow the wishes of your mother because you want to be "normal."
Your brother yearns to understand what it means to actually care. In some ways, it sounds as though you have a lot to learn from your brother.
But, your region has a long history of culture and tradition being such a strong force of influence in the lives of individual people that all too often human atrocities have occurred in the name of cultural symbolism.
You said you took psychology classes. Did you at least get to the upper division level so that you could study the concept of obedience?
I would be surprised if you studied obedience theory and still held the concept of culture in such high regard.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
I have 3 sons aged 15, 5 and 3 and a 12 year old daughter and I use different forms of discipline for each of them. It's just a case of finding out what works. I agree that sons need a male role model to follow and as I'm a single parent I rely alot on my Dad and my brother for this...There are somethings that boys want to talk to boys about y'know?
Respect is the key here.. Talk to the boy like he's at least halfway to adulthood...Negotiate, compromise and make rules together. If he has some input into how his life is run then maybe he won't resent the times when you need to put your foot down and say 'It WILL be this way'.
I find that the more I talk to and respect my kids the more it is reciprocated. Yes, sometimes you have to be the parent and say 'NO', but save this for the times when it really matters and then it'll make more of an impact.
As for the name calling, although my kids have never called me a bitch, I've been told I'm hated on more than one occasion. I find responding with 'Well thats a shame, because I love you' is usually sufficient to make them think about what they've said.
Wembley 18/06/07
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Not sure what your mom is doing to handle the issue, but there must be some leverage she has to get phone numbers of peer parents. I know it's hard to problem solve when your kid is calling you a bitch, but your brother is just trying to push buttons and show your mom that he has power in the family. If your mom hits him, she only shows a loss of control that has been given to the 14 year old. Not reacting is okay or maybe a "I love you too" / "sorry you feel that way" response is better. That often gets under their skin because they realize they don't have the power to set the parent off.
This is my "expert" advice going off of a few paragraphs. I'm sure there is much more going on.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
there is a point when it's necessary.............
Excellent post.
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
that might work if he has the brain of a toddler............seriously it isn't some after school special...........
Oops, I actually meant to say this is an excellent post.
The other one was OK but I misquoted it.
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
i know i'll handle it okay cause i will handle it as i have done their elder sisters. i brook no bullshit and i demand respect. i can do this cause i give respect and treat them as i wish to be treated. i am not their friend foremost but i will be there if and when they need me. i constantly let them know that above all else honesty is the key. i can not defend them if they lie to be. lies are indefensible in my world and it is a view my children have always grown up with. i love them but that love is not blind.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
From my recollection, those kids weren't staying out of trouble because they were afraid of their parents. They just had enough self-respect and self-confidence to do the right thing without succumbing to the almighty force of peer pressure. And it be said for almost certain that those kids had a strong support network available to them in the form of healthy family relationships.
A positive self-image is the cornerstone of moral decision making.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
When my mother beat me when I was a kid, it wasn't senseless beating at all. I learned a lot of morals and responsibilities through it. It's really hard for her to raised my young siblings in the U.S. Believe me, if we were back in our native country, we would be at peace.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
You learned morals from being beaten? Do you really believe that?
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
But that doesn't have anything to do with morals. It just means that you obey when confronted with a terrifying situation.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
Gambling=a taxation on stupidity.
Remember, you can walk anywhere, as long as you have the time.
http://www.ryanmontbleauband.com/
http://www.myspace.com/jessedee
Gambling=a taxation on stupidity.
Remember, you can walk anywhere, as long as you have the time.
http://www.ryanmontbleauband.com/
http://www.myspace.com/jessedee
Gambling=a taxation on stupidity.
Remember, you can walk anywhere, as long as you have the time.
http://www.ryanmontbleauband.com/
http://www.myspace.com/jessedee
Gambling=a taxation on stupidity.
Remember, you can walk anywhere, as long as you have the time.
http://www.ryanmontbleauband.com/
http://www.myspace.com/jessedee
Good luck with the kid.
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great post...as a teacher i have found this works quite well with my most delinquent students-even if it bothers me deep down i never show it to them-never let them set me off (ok i'm not perfect i have definitely been set off before in class-but i really try) i let them know that i am not there for them to like me i am there to have mutual respect and i will show them respect but they ahve to showme respect also....parents aren't meant to be friends (sure they might be later on in life)....taking away priveledges is always the best route-your mom needs to realize that by buying him whatever he wants lets him know that he does what he wants and his mom will go along with it..........i'm not an expert-but deetroitbball has some great advice along with others here:)