Parents, How do you discipline teen kid(s)?
LONGRD
Posts: 6,036
My mother having a hard time controlling/raising my 14-year-old brother. Over the phone, I heard him calling her a bitch and saying how she have too much control over his life and won't let him hang out with friends. She just want him to give information about the friend(s)' home phone and parents are but he refuses too. He gave her just a cell number and when she called the answer person didn't know who she was looking for.
I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.
In my old country, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, I was ready for a beating/spanking by my mother. But here in the U.S., she can't do that or else the social service people will intervene.
She had a bit of hard time raising me but I was sometimes reasonable with her. But my young brother isn't. He's into the hip hop/rap music and is pretty much very disrespectful too.
Anyways, I really want to beat the shit out of him to make him more reasonable with things. I know he's only 14 but I wasn't that bad when I was 14.
So any parents of a teen(around 14) know the best ways to raise a boy?
I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.
In my old country, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, I was ready for a beating/spanking by my mother. But here in the U.S., she can't do that or else the social service people will intervene.
She had a bit of hard time raising me but I was sometimes reasonable with her. But my young brother isn't. He's into the hip hop/rap music and is pretty much very disrespectful too.
Anyways, I really want to beat the shit out of him to make him more reasonable with things. I know he's only 14 but I wasn't that bad when I was 14.
So any parents of a teen(around 14) know the best ways to raise a boy?
PJ- 04/29/2003.06/24,25,27,28,30/2008.10/27,28,30,31/2009
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
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good luck.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
step up to the plate. its on you this time. youve got to give him a beating. its the only thing that will save him.
my girlfriends cousin is an absolute asshole. for his 14th birthday he got a sentencing on : possesion of stolen goods, assault, and carrying a hidden weapon.
these stories i hear make me not want to have kids. there is no discipline and they need a good swift shoe in the nuts to keep em inline.
maybe you should seriously try to talk to him first and if he gives you any lip or brushes you off, show him how serious you are and lay the smack down.
good luck
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
i think kids have too much these days, and take waaaay to much for granted.
if i had called my mother a bitch, my sisters would have beat the holy shit out of me. not to mention my mom and dad. i would have been beating to a pulp.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
What pisses me off is that when I was younger, I had no Internet access, no car access no nothing, and lived in a government project. My mother has a home, a car to drive him to school and elsewhere. Even buys him clothes from the mall. All I ever gotten was clothes from the goodwill or Wal-mart. We were poor when I was growing up but now my mother makes a good enough living.
I've told him how easy he has over my youth but he keeps acting up.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
Help your mom out by talking to him about what is NOT acceptable behavior for him as far as you're concerned. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, you should still help her out. I think without a dad, you're the next best thing he has to set limits.
I've never thought about the impact of the music/movie industry but now I think I'm on the parents' side after seeing this first hand. He's basically everything you see in those rap videos. They have a "don't care" attitude and "me against the world" thoughts and nothing we can do about it. Pisses me off he'd values those type of people than his family.
As a teen, my friends and I hated that gangsta-poser type kids so I was never into that stuff. And when I did get into a fight it was always fisticuffs.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
Well, I wouldn't stop talking just because he doesn't care to listen at this point. With children (and adults too for that matter!), sometimes it takes repetition to get the ideas to sink in.
It's interesting how being a parent can change our minds about things like pop-culture and boundaries isn't it? We can look at things and finally understand WHY older people believe one idea is better than another for young people. It's not just a matter of control or whim, it's seeing what is helpful and what doesn't work.
I know that looks bad when reading it but I am not for chikld abuse at all! But sometimes the boys need to get put into place.
Sweep the Leg Johnny.
I agree for boys there really needs to be a father figure. I am sorry if this seems sexist, but they really need an alpha male to nip them. Notice I am not saying beat up, alpha male nips. The reason he listens to his friends is they are becoming his family. I know that may be hard to hear. I know this from personal experience going up with an absent father. It is pretty scary for a young kid. All of a sudden you find acceptance with a group of guys who seems to really care about you. It is a dangerous combination. I wished a father figure (or for that matter my own father) would have stepped up to the plate. I would have avoided a lot of trouble in my life.
One last thing, I think kids feel safer with boundaries, and I mean boundaries not a cage. Moving past boundaries is something you earn as you learn how to handle life and the decisions that come when boundaries are removed.
But mr. justam
is who I am
"That's a repulsive combination of horrible information and bad breath."-Pickles
"Remember, death is a natural part of the workplace. So, when you see a dead body at work, don't freak out, just ring your death bell." "ting"-Toki Wartooth
oxc
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
Exactly, you said it better then I. I had many problem sat home when I was young so I turned to my friends. I was with them 24-7. Now, b/c we were so close then I have to stay in touch now. My wife does not understand why this is so b/c she grew up in a tight family. She thinks Its weird for a 33 year old guy to hang with his friends a few times a month. Maybe it is but Its what I am used to for alsmot 20 years. They are like my second family. I can only learn from what happened to me and try to keep my family real close.
Sweep the Leg Johnny.
My little brother doesn't do that he basically do thing his own way. I also think she spoiled him a lot too since she buys him everything he wants. I got my clothes from Wal-mart and goodwill growing up.
So yeah, I think I'm going to have to step in to make sure it doesn't escalate any further. I had a hardship childhood and my little has everything but that might be the problem too; too spoiled.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
And what's more is that the reasoning over and over again is basically because "it's what would've happened to me."
LOL. That just means that you still don't understand why it's wrong to insult the people that we love.
Sure, a beating might stop the name-calling, but this kid will not understand the importance of considering other peoples' feelings. He'll only understand that respect is based on fear.
"Why did you stop calling your mother a bitch? Is it because you realized that you love her and you didn't want to hurt her feelings? Did you realize that sometimes when we get angry, we say things we don't mean?"
"No, it's because I was afraid of being physically assaulted."
Wow, real good lesson being taught there. What happened to "let's make the world a better place"?
....and here we are laughing at the muslims because they go ape-shit over muhammed cartoons.....meanwhile we advocate beating children because they use the "B" word.
There is no difference.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
Yes, I've taken some action already b/c my mother called me at work Friday about the situation with my brother (and she's NEVER called me at work before). So I knew it was something serious, so I phoned a family friend of the family, who's a local Catholic nun. The nun knows a lot about us but I don't think my mother has told her about her problems with my little brother. I think my mother is too embarrassed to seek help. But I had to ask the nun to help my mom out. Sister Katherine(the nun's name) actually drive to see my mother and brother that night to talk to them.
I don't know what happen with their chat but I hope it'll calm this down a bit.
[It's weird I'm a non-religious person but I've always always relied on this Catholic nun to help me out]
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
When my mom used to spank me, it wasn't just senseless beating- she talked and talked as well to make sure I understand what's right and wrong. And I slowly learned.
Well, right now we're all in "talking"/lecture period but if he keeps up, I will have to show him what's right and wrong.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
How is he doing in school? Do you have a pediatrician that you trust, he could help steer your mom to some other help if the nun doesn't work out.
oxc
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
You mean if your "talking"/lecture skills aren't up to par....
Violence is never a solution. As a PJ fan, you should be able to understand that.
Kids who repeatedly act out have issues. Spankings do not solve those issues. Those issues only become suppressed and resurface elsewhere in other forms.
An example is that study which found that sexual deviance is present more often in people who were spanked as children. The behavior that those people were spanked for was stopped as a result of the spanking, but those people become disturbed because of it. Sexual deviance is not an overt form of emotional disturbance, but it is certainly indicative of an imbalance never the less.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
It's the friends he's around with, my mother says.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
I just want to be clear. I NEVER advocated beating, hitting, or any other physical punishment. I don't do it with my kids, because I don't think it accomplishes anything. However, firmness, boundaries, and a strong father figure (and by strong I mean someone who sticks to his convictions and is willing to take the hard patient road) are essential. Kids like this are often acting out of fear. I know, I was one of them. You cannot combat fear with more fear. You have to give the kid confidence that they are strong enough to face life's challenges. In other words, you lead by example.
But mr. justam
is who I am
"That's a repulsive combination of horrible information and bad breath."-Pickles
"Remember, death is a natural part of the workplace. So, when you see a dead body at work, don't freak out, just ring your death bell." "ting"-Toki Wartooth
He is the same age as my baby, going into the big bad HS next year. If your mom is too embarrassed you could give the school Psychologist a call...they might be able to be of some help, or at least steer you to someone who can. Don't wait too long to get on top of the situation, once he gets in with the HS kids things could go even further down hill very quickly. I watched it with my middle two sons friends. My 3rd son only has two friends from his group of buddies since middle school, still in the HS...all were thrown out or left this year. Such a nice group of kids too, they just got too into the drugs and drinking. So many kids now are really going over the deep end so early in the game. I'm not sure why this is happening so often. These kids weren't spoiled, but most have a bit of dysfunction with in their families, divorces, too strict parents, too wimpy parents, the two boys left in school with my son, parent like my hubby and I do, they are both very wealthy families, one family spoils the kids to no end, and the other doesn't. Both those families are large too, one has 4 sons and the other 5 sons. All the same ages as my boys. So who knows what the answers are?
oxc
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
I'm paying the price right now with my life and situation I'm in. I'm in a state of bad karma. I'm trying to make things better.
My brother has no value or respect for our culture and tradition whatsoever. My mother told me she wanted to have us all visit our families in her native country as a family, my brother response by saying he'll rather stay at his friends house. Do you realized how painful and heart broken my mother was when he said that? She cried and cried.
You as an American might think the way my people teach and discipline kids in my culture/country like we're savages and uncivilized people but it works. The kids obey their parents and adults. I was like that as a toddler to 12-years-old but that all changed in my teen years in New York. I was a terrible son/kid. Do you ever hear of any school shooting in South East Asia? Hardly ever.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
it doesn't really even take alot of discipline and by discipline i don't mean hitting or beating but just some basic "this is the behavior i expect from you and if you behave otherwise this will be the consequnces. if you don't want to follow the rules and you think i'm a bitch...tough shit, get over it"
so while i never had alot of rules my kids still had to go by the ones that i did have; such as i had to have the name, address and phone #s of their friends and their parent(s) or else they couldn't go to their house. if their were going to go play in the park or something, they had to let me know along with what time they would be home. if i wasn't home and they wanted to go somewhere they had to leave a note (though i suppose these days a text or voice message would be even easier.) they knew that if the consequence of not letting me know where they were meant that they wouldn't be going there again for a couple of weeks...so that wasn't ever an issue.
my kids did get grounded a few times but not alot. really the only "rule" that they would often break would be trying to rip each other's head's off. so yeah there were quite a few times where i'd have to do things like take away the video games, or cut them off from the tv. and when i really wanted to torture them for fighting (haha) i'd make them each go to their room and write an apology letter to the other, then they'd have to give them to each other with an "i'm sorry" and a hug.
angels share laughter
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But my brother is secluded all these things from her.
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
sounds like she has to lay down the rule that he does not to go to anyone's house until she has their address and phone # or else he stays home. and at this point since he hasn't been giving her the info on his whereabouts even before he gets to go to their house ever again she has to talk to this friend's parent before that will happen.
angels share laughter
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Once I get out of this town
9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
hehehehehehhe
I say that would be good..
"What a stupid lamb."
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
That being said, does he have a job? My parents kept me out of trouble by saying, "If you want to go to concerts, buy clothes, etc, you need to get a job to pay for it."
My understanding is that most teenage boys are at least somewhat rebellious at this age. I second the recommendation of seeking professional help, or finding a mentor for him to work with.
My Dad always threatened to turn off the electricity to my room if I ever misbehaved. That set me straight each time. lol
kevinbeetle: "Yes. When her career washes up and her and Gavin move to Galveston, you will meet her at Hot Topic shopping for a Japanese cheerleader outfit.
Next!"
Thats what i was like anyway - i was 10 foot tall and was sure i looked down on the masses who would maybe one day catch up. I was a complete little bitch, and i gave my parents hell.
But, then i grew up - life hit me with one hell of a curve ball and i realised i wasnt the centre of the universe - and most of the things my dad had tried to tell me were right.
Thing is tho - you have to learn this yourself. i have 13 and 11yr old boys myself now. The oldest is just hitting that im gold stage now - we fight, we go to bed angry at each other, i dont understand him (in his eyes anyway) and sometimes i just wish he'd go back to being that sweet little guy that would hug me everday and tell me how much he loved me.
Boys need boundaries. If you dont set them young its impossible to do later. Sure, it hurts like hell, and its hard to do, but these boundaries can never ever be broken. Sure they'll hate you at the time, but they'll say sorry later when they've calmed down. And even tell you they love you.
but its a fine line - if you dont start off too big for your pants, how do you fill them up later?? when life knocks you down off that pedestal your on, you need something to climb back up on. The worst thing parents can do is squash their kids into a shape that fits. They need to learn. Learn whats wrong, whats right, what works, what fucks you up. Thats what life is - learning.
Set boundries. Stick to them. Grit your teeth, and tell them you love them. One day the lesson will be finished, and they'll have passed.
rambled i know ... hopefully it made some sence