Need the perspective of a girl about 25 yrs. old.........

howard · May 2008

Thank you in advance for any and all replies.

I'm curious/puzzled about something. There is a girl I know that I used to work with that I like a lot and we still keep in touch quite a bit. I know she has always liked me as a person a lot(I have done a lot of nice things for her and she has said some nice things about me as compared to some of the other guys she has met that she didn't care for one reason or another.) and we are good friends but I'm interested in being more than just friends.

About a year ago, we were out one night and she said she would marry me(based on my other qualities that she likes) if I was 20 years younger(I'm 49, she is 25). She never explained why she said that and I didn't want to ask because I didn't want her to think I was interested in her that way because she didn't want that even though I am.

So why, if she likes me enough to say that she would marry me, does that age difference matter ? I've only been through a few relationships and don't have much dating experience considering my age and I've done a lot of nice romantic things for her(she wants someone who is romantic) which I really enjoy doing for her and I really don't see why the age thing should matter so I'm curious as to the perspective of girls right around the age of 25 about this.

drivingrl · May 2008

Do you know if age matters to her? I'm not suggesting she's shallow or anything like that, but personally, I have tried to date older men and gotten that "fatherly" vibe from the situation.

But, it really depends on the woman.

Zanne · May 2008

I'm a girl, 42.. I was 25 once.. I think the bottom line here is one of two choices.. could be that she is interested in you and she put it that way to get your response, or she feels your interest in her and is making an excuse for it not to go any further because she is not interested in that way. Are there ever any moments where the two of you end up in awkward situations like you feel like you are about to kiss, or too long of a glance that becomes a bit of a stare, etc? If so, she likes you and is waiting on you to make the first move.. If not, I'd say the second option is true. You need to just get it out in the open and find out, or put it out of your mind if you are not willing to take the chance to see if she returns your interest.

Peace (I wish I was 25 again, I'd marry you if *I* were just 20 years younger)

Disclaimer to my boyfriend: I was kidding about the marrying him part. I wouldn't even sleep with him, I swear!

tvismyfriend · May 2008

I ain't a girl, but it is possible that you're the same age as her dad.

pearljammin41 · May 2008

tvismyfriend wrote:

I ain't a girl, but it is possible that you're the same age as her dad.

owned

howard · May 2008

drivingrl wrote:

Do you know if age matters to her? I'm not suggesting she's shallow or anything like that, but personally, I have tried to date older men and gotten that "fatherly" vibe from the situation.

But, it really depends on the woman.

I know she goes on a dating website and hasn't met anyone from there that she likes, but in her profile, she says that she dosen't want anyone over 35, but she also says that any potential match has to be romantic and she has told me that I'm a lot more romantic than any other guy she has met.

I really don't think she thinks of me as the "fatherly" type and I am also told often that I look youner than my age.

RolandTD20Kdrummer · May 2008

pearljammin41 wrote:

owned

ROFL...

> <
O

howard · May 2008

Zanne wrote:

I'm a girl, 42.. I was 25 once.. I think the bottom line here is one of two choices.. could be that she is interested in you and she put it that way to get your response, or she feels your interest in her and is making an excuse for it not to go any further because she is not interested in that way. Are there ever any moments where the two of you end up in awkward situations like you feel like you are about to kiss, or too long of a glance that becomes a bit of a stare, etc? If so, she likes you and is waiting on you to make the first move.. If not, I'd say the second option is true. You need to just get it out in the open and find out, or put it out of your mind if you are not willing to take the chance to see if she returns your interest.

Peace (I wish I was 25 again, I'd marry you if *I* were just 20 years younger)

Disclaimer to my boyfriend: I was kidding about the marrying him part. I wouldn't even sleep with him, I swear!

About a year ago, BEFORE she said that about marrying me "if", she had heard from someone that I had a crush on her and she told me she didn't want that, but that was before she knows me as much as she does now. We really don't get to spend much time together as she is always busy with work or running errands for one of her jobs which is running her own business. As far as saying it as an excuse for it not to go any further, she seemed pretty sincere when she said it.
As far as getting it out in the open, we have a good friendship and I don't want to take a chance on jeapordizing that.

Thanks for the reponses so far.

Sian-of-the-dead · May 2008

Hello! *waves*

female and 24, right here

Reading through what you've said, in my opinion, I would advise that you talk to her.
Send her an email or give her call and explain exactly how your reading into what she's said. If she respects you, she'll listen and she'll discuss it with you.
I know it seems daunting, and if she doesn't feel the way you hope, your pride will be bruised for a while but it has to happen.

I took the plunge and told someone how I thought I felt a couple of years ago - they didn't feel the same.
I won't lie, at the time I was gutted and felt humiliated. I was going through a hard time at home and he was a big support to me. He repected me and we were good friends so I was lucky and it wasn't made into a big deal. He understood that my feelings were confused, remained close and we worked through it. He helped me see our relationship with clarity, helped me through my hard times and I realised that I was clutching at straws, I never infact felt like that about him. With hindsight, I'm glad I took that plunge and found out where I stood. We're still really good friends and sometimes even crack jokes about 'THAT christmas'

As for the age gap? I don't know. Some women find it a problem, some don't. I personally wouldn't as i've always had the attitude that you can't help who you fall in love with... but, at the end of the day, it's not me you wanna date! Maybe she's just unsure as to what other people would think? You need to discuss it with her, lay it on the line that you don't find the age gap a problem. Maybe she said what she said to get a reaction out of you? Maybe she doesn't have a problem with the age gap but think you might?
Age differences can make or break a relationship/prospective relationship so don't try and glaze over it. I know for a fact that I would only say what she said to you, to a man of your age, if I really meant it.

In my opinion, any situation like this, communication is the key.

Good luck

JordyWordy · May 2008

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

Hello! *waves*

female and 24, right here

Reading through what you've said, in my opinion, I would advise that you talk to her.
Send her an email or give her call and explain exactly how your reading into what she's said. If she respects you, she'll listen and she'll discuss it with you.
I know it seems daunting, and if she doesn't feel the way you hope, your pride will be bruised for a while but it has to happen.

I took the plunge and told someone how I thought I felt a couple of years ago - they didn't feel the same.
I won't lie, at the time I was gutted and felt humiliated. I was going through a hard time at home and he was a big support to me. He repected me and we were good friends so I was lucky and it wasn't made into a big deal. He understood that my feelings were confused, remained close and we worked through it. He helped me see our relationship with clarity, helped me through my hard times and I realised that I was clutching at straws, I never infact felt like that about him. With hindsight, I'm glad I took that plunge and found out where I stood. We're still really good friends and sometimes even crack jokes about 'THAT christmas'

As for the age gap? I don't know. Some women find it a problem, some don't. I personally wouldn't as i've always had the attitude that you can't help who you fall in love with... but, at the end of the day, it's not me you wanna date! Maybe she's just unsure as to what other people would think? You need to discuss it with her, lay it on the line that you don't find the age gap a problem. Maybe she said what she said to get a reaction out of you? Maybe she doesn't have a problem with the age gap but think you might?
Age differences can make or break a relationship/prospective relationship so don't try and glaze over it. I know for a fact that I would only say what she said to you, to a man of your age, if I really meant it.

In my opinion, any situation like this, communication is the key.

Good luck

im 22 and a guy and i was on the receiving end of this from 2 (separate times obviously) of my really close friends who were girls, which was both flattering and terrifying because i didnt want to totally alienate them and hadnt seen it coming.

but like Sian says, if the friendship is open and you're really direct with each other, then you should both be adult enough to work through it without falling out.

so talk to her about it. maybe not through email, face to face would be ideal obviously...just go for it, life is too short not to. good luck man

howard · May 2008

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

Hello! *waves*

female and 24, right here

Reading through what you've said, in my opinion, I would advise that you talk to her.
Send her an email or give her call and explain exactly how your reading into what she's said. If she respects you, she'll listen and she'll discuss it with you.
I know it seems daunting, and if she doesn't feel the way you hope, your pride will be bruised for a while but it has to happen.

I took the plunge and told someone how I thought I felt a couple of years ago - they didn't feel the same.
I won't lie, at the time I was gutted and felt humiliated. I was going through a hard time at home and he was a big support to me. He repected me and we were good friends so I was lucky and it wasn't made into a big deal. He understood that my feelings were confused, remained close and we worked through it. He helped me see our relationship with clarity, helped me through my hard times and I realised that I was clutching at straws, I never infact felt like that about him. With hindsight, I'm glad I took that plunge and found out where I stood. We're still really good friends and sometimes even crack jokes about 'THAT christmas'

As for the age gap? I don't know. Some women find it a problem, some don't. I personally wouldn't as i've always had the attitude that you can't help who you fall in love with... but, at the end of the day, it's not me you wanna date! Maybe she's just unsure as to what other people would think? You need to discuss it with her, lay it on the line that you don't find the age gap a problem. Maybe she said what she said to get a reaction out of you? Maybe she doesn't have a problem with the age gap but think you might?
Age differences can make or break a relationship/prospective relationship so don't try and glaze over it. I know for a fact that I would only say what she said to you, to a man of your age, if I really meant it.

In my opinion, any situation like this, communication is the key.

Good luck

Wow, thanks Sian for the lengthy and caring reply(thanks also to JordyWordy)

As I mentioned before, she is stil involved with this dating website and hasn't shown any romantic interest in me. Not yet anyway.

I'm not giving up though, that is the farthest thing from my thoughts. I wouldn't be worthy of being a Pearl Jam fan if I did that, right ?

Cobbelstone · May 2008

That's a BIG age difference. She might like you, but people at different phases of their lives want different things. A 25 year old is a lot different than a 49 year old. At 49, you've lived most of your life, at 25, you've still got the whole way to go. If you're talking marriage, kids would be a big issue too. AND I'm not sure I'd want to marry someone who could be in a nursing home while I'm still young enough to enjoy life.

Age plays a big role for a lot of people. Personally I am very sensitive to it in my relationship decisions as well. In my mid 20s I went out with a few guys in their 30s and realized I just had nothing in common with them. (Even now that I'm in my 30s I don't!) To me, I don't even *see* older men as a dating option, it's like it doesn't even occur to me. Also I know that I don't like how older men can sometimes want to play a "dad" role in a younger woman's life if you get what I mean. In your case, you really *could* be her dad.

edvedder913 · May 2008

unfortunately many people get hung up on age.....while others don't. as i have gotten older i realize that it is not that important.

last year i dated someone 13+ years older than me. a few years ago I never would have done that. unfortunately it didn't last, but the time we did spend together was the best i have ever had in a relationship. had i stuck to my guns and refused to date him, i never would have experienced that. so i learned my lesson and refuse to discount someone because of their age. there were some age related issues w/him. i would be raring to go and he'd be exhausted by 10pm. he didn't enjoy crowds and live music, etc. but they were not huge ordeals to me.

when you click with someone, you need to give it a go. whether they are older or younger, as long as the bond exists it is worth giving it a try in my opinion.

sian's advice was excellent. i too think you should talk to her. you can say "remember you said you would marry me, well...that's a bit much, but what do you say we go out on a date?"

you never know. ...good luck!

mca47 · May 2008

All I gotta say is...
If you're 49 and you can manage to pull some 25 year old tail...
Good for you!!

I hope I can do that when I'm 49!

justam · May 2008

howard wrote:

About a year ago, BEFORE she said that about marrying me "if", she had heard from someone that I had a crush on her and she told me she didn't want that, but that was before she knows me as much as she does now. We really don't get to spend much time together as she is always busy with work or running errands for one of her jobs which is running her own business. As far as saying it as an excuse for it not to go any further, she seemed pretty sincere when she said it.
As far as getting it out in the open, we have a good friendship and I don't want to take a chance on jeapordizing that.

Thanks for the reponses so far.

I think you have to really listen to what she said. She has already made it clear to you that your age is a barrier to a relationship.

If you respect her, you should listen to her words and take them to heart.

P.S. Even though there have been threads about who can respond to questions (seeing as how I am not 25 years old!), I felt that someone ought to point out the obvious in this case.

smithnic · May 2008

who the hell is 49 and uses the phrase "crush on her"???

GraySaturday · May 2008

I'll be 25 in October. Personally, I wouldn't marry a 49 year old. Thats a different world to me. My mom will be 49 in June and my dad is 50. I'd feel a little creepy marrying someone who was exactly my parents age, and I'd also wonder about our future together. In 20 years, you'll be nearly 70, and she'll be 45.. thats a bit of a difference. I can see a flirtation in the moment, but in the long run....

InHiding19 · May 2008

you can always take her out and get her drunk

pearljamjen · May 2008

GraySaturday wrote:

I'll be 25 in October. Personally, I wouldn't marry a 49 year old. Thats a different world to me. My mom will be 49 in June and my dad is 50. I'd feel a little creepy marrying someone who was exactly my parents age, and I'd also wonder about our future together. In 20 years, you'll be nearly 70, and she'll be 45.. thats a bit of a difference. I can see a flirtation in the moment, but in the long run....

I am the same...I don't really want to date anyone over 30 right now because I just feel like I am at a different stage in my life and have very different goals/want different things than someone who is over 30...let alone someone who is 49. As Gray said, it is just a whole different world.

But I think you should do what Sian said and talk to her about it to find out what she wants. Because we can all give you opinions how WE feel, but none of us know how SHE feels. Good luck.

cheeseandrice · May 2008

My mother was 22 and my father was 41 when they were married. The family always joked that my dad was a "dirty old man". They had me when my mom was 41 and my dad was 60. The baby thing was obviously not an issue. He was 60, not dead. They were happily married for 37 years.

It took a few times for my dad to get my mom to go on a date with him because of his age, but it all worked out in the end. So, I say find the right approach and tread lightly and she may change her mind. Good Luck to you!

chinobaeza · May 2008

Oxxys wrote:

you can always take her out and get her drunk

+1
wise words...

Need the perspective of a girl about 25 yrs. old.........

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