Marriage Counseling

24

Comments

  • PatrickBateman
    PatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    MrMerkinball wrote:
    Just 5 minutes ago, I got a call from my mother asking If I am going to make it to my Neice's birthday party. In the back of my mind I am thinking - oh crap, now what do I do?
    maybe you are right;)

    I have to blow off my niece's Walk for Autism because I didn't want to put my kids through another fight. So I secretly donate time and cash to her team (making her posters etc)) I pretty much dread birthdays and events having to do with my side of the family.

    Wanna go grab a beer (or 12) sometime?...haha
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • MrMerkinball
    MrMerkinball Posts: 1,978
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    maybe you are right;)

    I have to blow off my niece's Walk for Autism because I didn't want to put my kids through another fight. So I secretly donate time and cash to her team (making her posters etc)) I pretty much dread birthdays and events having to do with my side of the family.

    Wanna go grab a beer (or 12) sometime?...haha
    I officially hate holidays and birthdays. My Mother is only part of the problem. My Brother's wife is evil (This I agree with) and my mom Sides with her. When My mom, and the witch get together, they have, in the past -been rather mean to my wife. I wouldn't want to go either.

    It just makes me sad that I have to choose between my wife and my extended family.
  • Cree Nations
    Cree Nations Posts: 2,247
    I think to be honest with you, that me and my fiancee are going to seek this out before we get married (ie asap) just to make sure we have a good foundation.
    We (well more "she" but I agree with her) have discussed this already
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

    http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians

    Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
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  • PatrickBateman
    PatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    MrMerkinball wrote:
    I officially hate holidays and birthdays. My Mother is only part of the problem. My Brother's wife is evil (This I agree with) and my mom Sides with her. When My mom, and the witch get together, they have, in the past -been rather mean to my wife. I wouldn't want to go either.

    It just makes me sad that I have to choose between my wife and my extended family.
    Holy shit dude...you ARE me!


    my mother isn't that bad and my bro's wife is more of a pain in the ass than evil but damn, I know exactly whre you are coming from.
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • PatrickBateman
    PatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    Cree Nations wrote:
    I think to be honest with you, that me and my fiancee are going to seek this out before we get married (ie asap) just to make sure we have a good foundation.
    We (well more "she" but I agree with her) have discussed this already
    That's not a bad idea. Sometimes it takes someone outside the relationship to see things you/her can't
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Steve Dunne
    Steve Dunne Posts: 4,965
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    That's not a bad idea. Sometimes it takes someone outside the relationship to see things you/her can't

    agree...and doing this before the wedding is good advice. i laughed at the thought of pre-cana (sp?) and all that stuff, but it would have saved sooooo much aggrevation. it's not a cure, but every little bit helps. unless your fiancee is a bullshit artist.
    I love to turn you on
  • DeetroitBaasketball
    DeetroitBaasketball Posts: 379
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    yup

    To sum up the 2 day session:

    Session1: The bashing of me

    (According to my wife) I need to abandon "my side" of our family, Our kids grandparents (my side only) don't need to be at their grandkids kids birthday parties or take them places. My parents need to stop calling our house (probably called once a week to say hello, etc). My mother is Satan on earth......etc
    - I agree I need to be there for my wife more and tell my parents to cool it with the interfering of our family and will try to be a better husband. (it is agreed that I am a kickass father)

    Session2: What can my wife do to help

    Nothing, She is doing everything right and perfect in every way(according to my wife). The counselor noted that she herself is a grandmother and loves her grangchildren and that its nice to have that factor in their lives. My wife argues and basically tells her to bud out. The counselor gave me a "damnnn" kind of look...and we are done.

    Good luck man!

    That's crap. I do some marital counseling in my work and a good counselor knows enough not to side with either spouse - because the truth is, in a marriage it is never one person's fault. One person's problems may be more blatant (affair, drug abuse, etc.), but about 99% of the time that's because their spouse is doing/not doing something. The "blame" is equal.

    And if a spouse feels they are being picked on the counselor isn't working hard enough.

    Anyway, my advice is this: you can't change someone only influence them = you can only change yourself - if you are committed you'll try (same goes for the spouse).
  • PatrickBateman
    PatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    DeetroitBaasketball wrote:
    That's crap. I do some marital counseling in my work and a good counselor knows enough not to side with either spouse - because the truth is, in a marriage it is never one person's fault. One person's problems may be more blatant (affair, drug abuse, etc.), but about 99% of the time that's because their spouse is doing/not doing something. The "blame" is equal.

    And if a spouse feels they are being picked on the counselor isn't working hard enough.

    Anyway, my advice is this: you can't change someone only influence them = you can only change yourself - if you are committed you'll try (same goes for the spouse).
    What I typed was a very brief summation of what went on. The entire transcript would be a bit too much. What it boiled down to was the first session we went over what bothered my wife and we discussed what I can do to help. Everything was going well. Once the counselor (during session 2) tried to talk to my wife (calmly and rationally) about my issues, my wife pretty much said "screw this". My wife just wanted to put all the blame on me, for ME to change, etc.
    I didn't feel like I was being picked on by the counselor at all, she was very helpful. My wife on the other hand....
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • nfanel
    nfanel Posts: 2,558
    Black Diamond wrote:
    The only suggestion I have is that you both should be happy with the person you pick from the get go. .
    at first i thought you meant happy with the person you pick to marry. i was gonna say...duh... :o:D

    edit: and, steve, of course i'm sorry to hear about the rough patch. hopefully you guys work through it in no time. :)
  • failedpersephone
    failedpersephone Posts: 3,424
    This thread makes me feel sad for you boys!

    I would just like to say that as a shemale (:D) I am appalled that you are forced to choose between fights and drama OR doing things with your "side" of the family!

    being a sister with brothers that are married I totally know what it is like to see my formerly AWESOME bro reduced to a Mervynized shell walking into the house with a sheepish grin and a poorly wrapped gift. BREAKS my FUCKING HEART. apologizing and making excuses for why their wives aren't there...or worse, not showing up because her family has a "thing"

    :mad:

    Stevie, Mr.Merk, and PatB - goddammit I hope counseling works for you all...

    but it kinda seems to me (here is some salt, sorry for it...but I kinda feel like I have to be honest) like most counseling follows bizarre "sitcom" logic. That is, Husband = dumb oaf, good for paying bills and 30- minute shenanigans...and Wife = long suffering settler, always right.

    I did counseling with my current BF (we aren't married officially - but it's only from a distaste of religious dogma, and the lack of concern for legal/societal standards) and it made me feel like absolute SHIT...this counselor basically ripped my BF a total new one!

    made me very aware that the reason I am with him is NOT to change him.
    I don't want a khaki wearing dude that spends more time in the garage than with me...hiding from me and drinking beer.

    so yeah...I wish you SO much luck - but I also HOPE that you stand your ground...

    the last day of counseling I told my counselor (it was a man too!) "just because i have a vagina doesn't mean I am always right. when I am a bitch, he should be able to call me on it...this just isn't working for us. We are going to spend our counseling money on sex toys"

    (the last part was kinda a joke - I wanted to shock this man)

    Good luck...seriously!!
    IF YOU WANT A PLATE OF MY BEEF SWELLINGTON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY THE COVERCHARGE.
  • nfanel
    nfanel Posts: 2,558
    Poncier wrote:
    If counseling fails, always remember this
    that is good stuff, i'm saving that one. :D
  • norm
    norm Posts: 31,146
    damn steve i'm sorry your going through this...i hope things get better with the misses.....if all else fails, follow ari....;) :D

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5uC3HXNm28
  • Poncier
    Poncier Posts: 17,894
    failedpersephone wrote:
    "just because i have a vagina doesn't mean I am always right.!!
    I love these pearls of wisdom.
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • Rhinocerous Surprise
    Rhinocerous Surprise Posts: 4,423
    Poncier wrote:
    I love these pearls of wisdom.
    I'm gonna use it on my gf. :D

    "Maggie, just cos I have a vagina doesn't mean I'm always right."
    "You ha-- what?"
    Smokey Robinson constantly looks like he's trying to act natural after being accused of farting.
  • comebackwoman
    comebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    cutback wrote:
    damn steve i'm sorry your going through this...i hope things get better with the misses.....if all else fails, follow ari....;) :D

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5uC3HXNm28
    That is one of my favorite scenes ever :D I have a crush on ari :o
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • norm
    norm Posts: 31,146
    comebackgirl wrote:
    That is one of my favorite scenes ever :D I have a crush on ari :o

    it's the salute that really cracks me up! :D
  • comebackwoman
    comebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    cutback wrote:
    it's the salute that really cracks me up! :D
    He is so high strung. I love how he gets himself all worked up :p Yeah...I love Ari :) and this scene is a perfect example as to why I've never had any interest in doing marriage counseling!
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • fanch75
    fanch75 Posts: 3,734
    Whatever you do, don't get drunk & angry and then come on the Pit and start revealing details of what happened on here. I did this when I went through it and I'm pretty embarrassed by it now.

    Hope it works out. Keep your chin up, playa.
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • Flagg
    Flagg Posts: 5,856
    Went through counseling 5 years ago. It worked for us. The key was that both parties had to be willing to fix the issues. We both agreed that we loved each other and committed to doing what it took to fix it. It wasn't easy. There was a lot of hard work and it wouldn't have been successful if one of us didn't put forth the effort.

    This may sound a little cheesy but in our case, it just turns out that you are more selfish than you think you are and if you commit a little more effort into putting your spouse first and making them happy, they will do the same, in turn making you happy. Both of us had to be ready to do that and it worked. Kind of like "you get what you give". And there is more to that than her coming to PJ shows with me and me taking her to see chick flicks or antique shopping.

    We also had to learn that your spouse comes first, not your kids. Your kids do not and should not come first. If your marriage is strong and you and your spouse put each other first, your kids will benefit from that healthy relationship more than anything. I hear so many people say that "my kids come first" and "nothing comes before my kids", etc. and I just don't agree.

    Anway, it has worked for us. I have another friend that went to counseling with her husband and he wanted nothing to do with it, didn't want to put the effort in and now they are divorcing.

    Good luck to you though guys. Hope everything turns out OK.
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  • Black Diamond
    Black Diamond Posts: 25,109
    Flagg wrote:
    We also had to learn that your spouse comes first, not your kids. Your kids do not and should not come first. If your marriage is strong and you and your spouse put each other first, your kids will benefit from that healthy relationship more than anything. I hear so many people say that "my kids come first" and "nothing comes before my kids", etc. and I just don't agree.

    Nothing is more true than this. Kids see a happy marriage and they are happy.
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