He is so high strung. I love how he gets himself all worked up Yeah...I love Ari and this scene is a perfect example as to why I've never had any interest in doing marriage counseling!
Whatever you do, don't get drunk & angry and then come on the Pit and start revealing details of what happened on here. I did this when I went through it and I'm pretty embarrassed by it now.
Went through counseling 5 years ago. It worked for us. The key was that both parties had to be willing to fix the issues. We both agreed that we loved each other and committed to doing what it took to fix it. It wasn't easy. There was a lot of hard work and it wouldn't have been successful if one of us didn't put forth the effort.
This may sound a little cheesy but in our case, it just turns out that you are more selfish than you think you are and if you commit a little more effort into putting your spouse first and making them happy, they will do the same, in turn making you happy. Both of us had to be ready to do that and it worked. Kind of like "you get what you give". And there is more to that than her coming to PJ shows with me and me taking her to see chick flicks or antique shopping.
We also had to learn that your spouse comes first, not your kids. Your kids do not and should not come first. If your marriage is strong and you and your spouse put each other first, your kids will benefit from that healthy relationship more than anything. I hear so many people say that "my kids come first" and "nothing comes before my kids", etc. and I just don't agree.
Anway, it has worked for us. I have another friend that went to counseling with her husband and he wanted nothing to do with it, didn't want to put the effort in and now they are divorcing.
Good luck to you though guys. Hope everything turns out OK.
We also had to learn that your spouse comes first, not your kids. Your kids do not and should not come first. If your marriage is strong and you and your spouse put each other first, your kids will benefit from that healthy relationship more than anything. I hear so many people say that "my kids come first" and "nothing comes before my kids", etc. and I just don't agree.
Nothing is more true than this. Kids see a happy marriage and they are happy.
This may sound a little cheesy but in our case, it just turns out that you are more selfish than you think you are and if you commit a little more effort into putting your spouse first and making them happy, they will do the same, in turn making you happy. Both of us had to be ready to do that and it worked. Kind of like "you get what you give".
I am also going to sub-quote that brilliant post by Flagg. If your marriage is always 50/50, that is going to really get under your skin over time. Some days should be 75/25 and other days be 25/75. If you expect each other to be perfect and fair spouses all the time, you are just going to drain on each other. Everyone has their shortfalls and strengths. But just make sure you use your strengths from time to time to make up for your shortfalls, and your spouse should take a hint and do the same. If they don't acknowledge this is going on, and if they have no interest in reciprocating, then make both of you happier by finding new persons.
I can't imagine what a therapy session would be like for my wife and I. Either way, we would probably completely gossip about or diss the therapist on the drive home, and then complain that we could have had dinner at a nice restaurant for the same price....probably with better end-results.
I did counseling before I decided to divorce my now-ex-husband. The shitty thing about counseling is that you really have to prepare yourself to hear some bad stuff about yourself and make changes if you want to make it work. Sometimes one week it will be you, next week it might be her that has to do the "giving".
I know my ex was just so bent about being there that he really didn't give it his full effort. We had to read stuff and do homework, and he didn't do any of it. Not bashing the guy, because we were pretty much "over" when we started counseling anyway. I don't blame him. I blame both of us for letting it get to that point.
I did pre-marital counseling for the 2nd time around and had such a great experience. So, maybe it has to do with how you feel going into the situation to begin with.
Also, I know it takes many MANY visits before you really get to the heart of things.
thanks to everyone for their input and sharing their personal stories...not all of them fun... for the record, it was me who called for the first session, and our 'counselor' is pretty cool. i will be just fine and whatever the result of these sessions (we've already done a couple of them) i will walk away from this a happier person. i do have some bullets left in the holster though (only figuratively ).
and let me say thanks to everyone for being freakin civil in this thread, because with a topic like this, it has the potential to go awry in a hurry. (hope i didn't curse it!)
Divorce sucks. Unless she's just a bad person, I really hope you work it out. If she is a bad person, then smack her Snoop Dogg-style and tell her you got mo' bytchez lined up.
Divorce sucks. Unless she's just a bad person, I really hope you work it out. If she is a bad person, then smack her Snoop Dogg-style and tell her you got mo' bytchez lined up.
What ??? No "Things White People Do: Marriage Counseling"???!!!!
Good luck Steve. I have no experience to add.
So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
I would just like to say that as a shemale (:D) I am appalled that you are forced to choose between fights and drama OR doing things with your "side" of the family!
being a sister with brothers that are married I totally know what it is like to see my formerly AWESOME bro reduced to a Mervynized shell walking into the house with a sheepish grin and a poorly wrapped gift. BREAKS my FUCKING HEART. apologizing and making excuses for why their wives aren't there...or worse, not showing up because her family has a "thing"
:mad:
Stevie, Mr.Merk, and PatB - goddammit I hope counseling works for you all...
but it kinda seems to me (here is some salt, sorry for it...but I kinda feel like I have to be honest) like most counseling follows bizarre "sitcom" logic. That is, Husband = dumb oaf, good for paying bills and 30- minute shenanigans...and Wife = long suffering settler, always right.
I did counseling with my current BF (we aren't married officially - but it's only from a distaste of religious dogma, and the lack of concern for legal/societal standards) and it made me feel like absolute SHIT...this counselor basically ripped my BF a total new one!
made me very aware that the reason I am with him is NOT to change him.
I don't want a khaki wearing dude that spends more time in the garage than with me...hiding from me and drinking beer.
so yeah...I wish you SO much luck - but I also HOPE that you stand your ground...
the last day of counseling I told my counselor (it was a man too!) "just because i have a vagina doesn't mean I am always right. when I am a bitch, he should be able to call me on it...this just isn't working for us. We are going to spend our counseling money on sex toys"
(the last part was kinda a joke - I wanted to shock this man)
Good luck...seriously!!
Please tell me you are not assuming that the problems these guys are suffering from are not all the wife's fault?
And to the men, please don't tell me you are trying to make us believe that either.
You have a voice and 2 balls. Stand up for yourselves.
And don't for a second think that wives don't have these same types of problems.
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Please tell me you are not assuming that the problems these guys are suffering from are not all the wife's fault?
And to the men, please don't tell me you are trying to make us believe that either.
You have a voice and 2 balls. Stand up for yourselves.
And don't for a second think that wives don't have these same types of problems.
ever since I got mine cut, I feel like I have more. It's been a week without talking to her...her mom told me she was crying last night ( I was working at my "second job" doing computer recycling until 11pm)
I am not apologizing at all to her tonight...she is pregnant and needs this arguing as much as I do. Hopefully her favorite food will at least relax her a bit at least.
If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
ever since I got mine cut, I feel like I have more. It's been a week without talking to her...her mom told me she was crying last night ( I was working at my "second job" doing computer recycling until 11pm)
I am not apologizing at all to her tonight...she is pregnant and needs this arguing as much as I do. Hopefully her favorite food will at least relax her a bit at least.
Not apologizing is not doing anything but upsetting her and causing stress to the fetus.
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
what am I apologizng for? telling her to stop screaming at me for not flipping a steak? while I am doing threee things at the same time?
And she is carrying your child whether you like it or not.
Give me a break here.
You are a nice person...be the bigger one now and try to work things out.
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
I have...we did 3 months of it then the therapist said he didn't think we were getting anything out of it and that my "husband" needed more therapy for himself first (he's an addict) and that possibly we could come back in time. Needless to say we are getting divorced.
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
I only read a few responses but hang in there. I told my wife maybe we should b/c 90% of the time we are great but the other 10 can get explosive. A lot of stuff built up maybe. I have no problem admitting when I am wrong, not her. LOL
Hang in there, I think you need to just do the best YOU can and hope she does the same, if she does not meet you in the middle then maybe bad news.
Good Luck pal.
Get em a Body Bag Yeeeeeaaaaa!
Sweep the Leg Johnny.
what am I apologizng for? telling her to stop screaming at me for not flipping a steak? while I am doing threee things at the same time?
Ohhh buddy I have been there. Man I have sooooo been there. In that situation I try to just end the srgument with out saying soory for something I did not do. Let the grudge go. She is pregnant so she is not gonna have logic right now lol at least my wife didn't.
Get em a Body Bag Yeeeeeaaaaa!
Sweep the Leg Johnny.
sorry to say, yeah, three different ones (counselors) and we are still seperated over a year after trying them all during the course of the marriage.
1st one--Pastor of our church we went to. On men's side. Bad me for wanting more kids. Later I see, if it were the other way around, bad me for not wanting more kids.
2nd guy--counselor at our local "Shrinks for a Buck" by our house (j/k--sliding scale guy is what I should say). he watched the clock as if we were boring him. like a bad SNL skit. good-bye.
3rd Pastor--current Pastor of the church last attended (after #1 left to run a youth camp)--awesome. made us both responsible took no sides but reminded us that we were both to love one another equally.
bottom line; none worked because the hardest thing to change is someone's frame of mind, and my husband's was set to be on the opposition from year 1.
some are great I am sure; but it depends on the two people who are there as well.
is it going rough I take it?
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5uC3HXNm28
"Maggie, just cos I have a vagina doesn't mean I'm always right."
"You ha-- what?"
it's the salute that really cracks me up!
Hope it works out. Keep your chin up, playa.
This may sound a little cheesy but in our case, it just turns out that you are more selfish than you think you are and if you commit a little more effort into putting your spouse first and making them happy, they will do the same, in turn making you happy. Both of us had to be ready to do that and it worked. Kind of like "you get what you give". And there is more to that than her coming to PJ shows with me and me taking her to see chick flicks or antique shopping.
We also had to learn that your spouse comes first, not your kids. Your kids do not and should not come first. If your marriage is strong and you and your spouse put each other first, your kids will benefit from that healthy relationship more than anything. I hear so many people say that "my kids come first" and "nothing comes before my kids", etc. and I just don't agree.
Anway, it has worked for us. I have another friend that went to counseling with her husband and he wanted nothing to do with it, didn't want to put the effort in and now they are divorcing.
Good luck to you though guys. Hope everything turns out OK.
BOS-9/28/04,9/29/04,6/28/08,6/30/08, 9/5/16, 9/7/16, 9/2/18
MTL-9/15/05, OTT-9/16/05
PHL-5/27/06,5/28/06,10/30/09,10/31/09
CHI-8/2/07,8/5/07,8/23/09,8/24/09
HTFD-6/27/08
ATX-10/4/09, 10/12/14
KC-5/3/2010,STL-5/4/2010
Bridge School-10/23/2010,10/24/2010
PJ20-9/3/2011,9/4/2011
OKC-11/16/13
SEA-12/6/13
TUL-10/8/14
Nothing is more true than this. Kids see a happy marriage and they are happy.
I am also going to sub-quote that brilliant post by Flagg. If your marriage is always 50/50, that is going to really get under your skin over time. Some days should be 75/25 and other days be 25/75. If you expect each other to be perfect and fair spouses all the time, you are just going to drain on each other. Everyone has their shortfalls and strengths. But just make sure you use your strengths from time to time to make up for your shortfalls, and your spouse should take a hint and do the same. If they don't acknowledge this is going on, and if they have no interest in reciprocating, then make both of you happier by finding new persons.
I can't imagine what a therapy session would be like for my wife and I. Either way, we would probably completely gossip about or diss the therapist on the drive home, and then complain that we could have had dinner at a nice restaurant for the same price....probably with better end-results.
I know my ex was just so bent about being there that he really didn't give it his full effort. We had to read stuff and do homework, and he didn't do any of it. Not bashing the guy, because we were pretty much "over" when we started counseling anyway. I don't blame him. I blame both of us for letting it get to that point.
I did pre-marital counseling for the 2nd time around and had such a great experience. So, maybe it has to do with how you feel going into the situation to begin with.
Also, I know it takes many MANY visits before you really get to the heart of things.
Best of luck.
and let me say thanks to everyone for being freakin civil in this thread, because with a topic like this, it has the potential to go awry in a hurry. (hope i didn't curse it!)
cheers all...proceed...
What ??? No "Things White People Do: Marriage Counseling"???!!!!
Good luck Steve. I have no experience to add.
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
Steve is the wrong kind of white person for that.
And to the men, please don't tell me you are trying to make us believe that either.
You have a voice and 2 balls. Stand up for yourselves.
And don't for a second think that wives don't have these same types of problems.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
ever since I got mine cut, I feel like I have more. It's been a week without talking to her...her mom told me she was crying last night ( I was working at my "second job" doing computer recycling until 11pm)
I am not apologizing at all to her tonight...she is pregnant and needs this arguing as much as I do. Hopefully her favorite food will at least relax her a bit at least.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Give me a break here.
You are a nice person...be the bigger one now and try to work things out.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Dude, you should have married a black woman. Only white women have the time & energy to get that upset over something so trivial.
Hang in there, I think you need to just do the best YOU can and hope she does the same, if she does not meet you in the middle then maybe bad news.
Good Luck pal.
Sweep the Leg Johnny.
Sweep the Leg Johnny.
"What a stupid lamb."
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
sorry to say, yeah, three different ones (counselors) and we are still seperated over a year after trying them all during the course of the marriage.
1st one--Pastor of our church we went to. On men's side. Bad me for wanting more kids. Later I see, if it were the other way around, bad me for not wanting more kids.
2nd guy--counselor at our local "Shrinks for a Buck" by our house (j/k--sliding scale guy is what I should say). he watched the clock as if we were boring him. like a bad SNL skit. good-bye.
3rd Pastor--current Pastor of the church last attended (after #1 left to run a youth camp)--awesome. made us both responsible took no sides but reminded us that we were both to love one another equally.
bottom line; none worked because the hardest thing to change is someone's frame of mind, and my husband's was set to be on the opposition from year 1.
some are great I am sure; but it depends on the two people who are there as well.
is it going rough I take it?
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........