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Marriage Counseling

Steve DunneSteve Dunne Posts: 4,965
edited August 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
Anyone ever go through this? I'm spent.
I love to turn you on
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • Black DiamondBlack Diamond Posts: 25,107
    For my 1st marriage (and that gives you the answer of how well this worked) we tried it for a little while. The only suggestion I have is that you both should be happy with the person you pick from the get go. That opinion may change overtime but you should commit to someone you are both happy with.

    I made the mistake of allowing my ex to choose someone and the type of therapist she was made it difficult for me (and for her) communicate.
    GoiMTvP.gif
  • saveuplifesaveuplife Posts: 1,173
    No, I haven't. Good luck.

    I think this scene will cheer you up.... "build a tree of trust".

    http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=9054
  • MattCameronKicksButtMattCameronKicksButt Posts: 4,317
    Oh dear, Steve. No, but best of luck. :)
  • PoncierPoncier Posts: 17,538
    Sorry to hear things are a bit rocky Steve.
    No experience with counseling, but common sense should prevail at all costs, some counselors can be great, but some can be the opposite, just be sure you're getting help and not more headaches from the experience if you do it.
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    yup

    To sum up the 2 day session:

    Session1: The bashing of me

    (According to my wife) I need to abandon "my side" of our family, Our kids grandparents (my side only) don't need to be at their grandkids kids birthday parties or take them places. My parents need to stop calling our house (probably called once a week to say hello, etc). My mother is Satan on earth......etc
    - I agree I need to be there for my wife more and tell my parents to cool it with the interfering of our family and will try to be a better husband. (it is agreed that I am a kickass father)

    Session2: What can my wife do to help

    Nothing, She is doing everything right and perfect in every way(according to my wife). The counselor noted that she herself is a grandmother and loves her grangchildren and that its nice to have that factor in their lives. My wife argues and basically tells her to bud out. The counselor gave me a "damnnn" kind of look...and we are done.

    Good luck man!
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Steve DunneSteve Dunne Posts: 4,965
    thanks peeps...things have always been rocky...only now have we put in the effort to undo what's been done.

    BD thanks for the advice...

    love the 'old school' bit - forgotten about that!!! :)

    anyone else?
    I love to turn you on
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    Steve Dunne wrote:
    thanks peeps...things have always been rocky...only now have we put in the effort to undo what's been done.

    BD thanks for the advice...

    love the 'old school' bit - forgotten about that!!! :)

    anyone else?
    what am i chopped liver?
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    I HAVE NO HELP TO GIVE

    but good luck stevie
  • Steve DunneSteve Dunne Posts: 4,965
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    what am i chopped liver?

    yes you are! like me! you're a whalers fan! ;)


    (i didn't see your reply when i posted - thanks for sharing...)
    I love to turn you on
  • Inhiding230Inhiding230 Posts: 362
    Yep went through it with my ex-husband (again, it obviously didn't work!). It doesn't really work if one person isn't honest during the sessions - my ex was bi-polar and verbally abusive, but he covered it all up very well for the counsellor and he made it seem like I was the one who needed to be making changes to make the relationship work....

    It was a waste of my time. But if you are both in it for the right reasons and are both willing to be honest then I think that it could work.
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    Steve Dunne wrote:
    yes you are! like me! you're a whalers fan! ;)


    (i didn't see your reply when i posted - thanks for sharing...)
    Only when they weren't playing the Rangers!

    My wife and I haven't spoke in a week. Wanna know why? (I'll tell you anyway)
    I was cooking some steaks on the grill and doing some side work in the basement at the same time. We were outside with the kids playing etc....so I ran in to replace a keyboard on a laptop and it took a little longer than expected and she starts yelling for me to hurry up and get back outside after I said I'll be out in a minute. I snapped back "OK, quit screaming at me" Her attitude starts and decides she isn't talking to me. She then tells my daughter to tell my son to bring the baby upstairs. ( I am holding the baby) so I mocked her (yeah I know) which fueled a hateful tirade of an email to me at work and here we are.


    A quote from the movie The Money Pit : "As long as the foundation is solid, everything else can be fixed. "
    I truely hope you guys work things out and good luck if you decide with a counselor
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Black DiamondBlack Diamond Posts: 25,107
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    Only when they weren't playing the Rangers!

    My wife and I haven't spoke in a week. Wanna know why? (I'll tell you anyway)
    I was cooking some steaks on the grill and doing some side work in the basement at the same time. We were outside with the kids playing etc....so I ran in to replace a keyboard on a laptop and it took a little longer than expected and she starts yelling for me to hurry up and get back outside after I said I'll be out in a minute. I snapped back "OK, quit screaming at me" Her attitude starts and decides she isn't talking to me. She then tells my daughter to tell my son to bring the baby upstairs. ( I am holding the baby) so I mocked her (yeah I know) which fueled a hateful tirade of an email to me at work and here we are.


    A quote from the movie The Money Pit : "As long as the foundation is solid, everything else can be fixed. "
    I truely hope you guys work things out and good luck if you decide with a counselor
    I think you need your own thread.
    GoiMTvP.gif
  • MrMerkinballMrMerkinball Posts: 1,978
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    yup

    To sum up the 2 day session:

    Session1: The bashing of me

    (According to my wife) I need to abandon "my side" of our family, Our kids grandparents (my side only) don't need to be at their grandkids kids birthday parties or take them places. My parents need to stop calling our house (probably called once a week to say hello, etc). My mother is Satan on earth......etc
    - I agree I need to be there for my wife more and tell my parents to cool it with the interfering of our family and will try to be a better husband. (it is agreed that I am a kickass father)



    Good luck man!
    Wholy crap - That is identicle to my situation. Are you me?
  • comebackwomancomebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    Sorry things are rough Steve. I agree with the posters above - make sure you both feel comfortable with whomever you see. Every counselor has a different style and it's not going to work unless you both feel comfortable with the person. You should never feel like the counselor is taking sides or bashing either one of you - if that starts happening - find someone else! It should be someone who can handle being objective, while still helping you both face some difficult realities. It will definitely help if you and your wife are both on the same page regarding your goals for counseling and what you hope will happen at the end of it. Good luck. I truly hope things work out for you.
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • PoncierPoncier Posts: 17,538
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    Only when they weren't playing the Rangers!

    My wife and I haven't spoke in a week. Wanna know why? (I'll tell you anyway)
    I was cooking some steaks on the grill and doing some side work in the basement at the same time. We were outside with the kids playing etc....so I ran in to replace a keyboard on a laptop and it took a little longer than expected and she starts yelling for me to hurry up and get back outside after I said I'll be out in a minute. I snapped back "OK, quit screaming at me" Her attitude starts and decides she isn't talking to me. She then tells my daughter to tell my son to bring the baby upstairs. ( I am holding the baby) so I mocked her (yeah I know) which fueled a hateful tirade of an email to me at work and here we are.

    Patrick, sounds like you need to try marriage counselling. ;)
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    MrMerkinball wrote:
    Wholy crap - That is identicle to my situation. Are you me?

    no, according to her, I am the only husband that has parents and a brother.
    Poncier wrote:
    Patrick, sounds like you need to try marriage counselling. ;)
    haha....I get my counseling at the local bar


    Steve: I say try it...it can't hurt ...there may be things bothering her that she doesn't tell you and wants you to read her mind. These things may come out in counseling. Best of luck
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • DeLukinDeLukin Posts: 2,757
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    The bashing of me

    Yea, this has been my experience. Early in my marriage we had some rough spots and went to 'the counselor'... somehow, I was always wrong and she was always justified. Then, whenever we argued, there was always the threat of 'calling in the counselor'. Man, I hated that... we eventually worked through it and stopped going, but it was NOT a fun experience.
    I smile, but who am I kidding...
  • PoncierPoncier Posts: 17,538
    If counseling fails, always remember this
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    Poncier wrote:
    If counseling fails, always remember this
    haha....true
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • MrMerkinballMrMerkinball Posts: 1,978
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    no, according to her, I am the only husband that has parents and a brother.
    Just 5 minutes ago, I got a call from my mother asking If I am going to make it to my Neice's birthday party. In the back of my mind I am thinking - oh crap, now what do I do?
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    MrMerkinball wrote:
    Just 5 minutes ago, I got a call from my mother asking If I am going to make it to my Neice's birthday party. In the back of my mind I am thinking - oh crap, now what do I do?
    maybe you are right;)

    I have to blow off my niece's Walk for Autism because I didn't want to put my kids through another fight. So I secretly donate time and cash to her team (making her posters etc)) I pretty much dread birthdays and events having to do with my side of the family.

    Wanna go grab a beer (or 12) sometime?...haha
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • MrMerkinballMrMerkinball Posts: 1,978
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    maybe you are right;)

    I have to blow off my niece's Walk for Autism because I didn't want to put my kids through another fight. So I secretly donate time and cash to her team (making her posters etc)) I pretty much dread birthdays and events having to do with my side of the family.

    Wanna go grab a beer (or 12) sometime?...haha
    I officially hate holidays and birthdays. My Mother is only part of the problem. My Brother's wife is evil (This I agree with) and my mom Sides with her. When My mom, and the witch get together, they have, in the past -been rather mean to my wife. I wouldn't want to go either.

    It just makes me sad that I have to choose between my wife and my extended family.
  • Cree NationsCree Nations Posts: 2,247
    I think to be honest with you, that me and my fiancee are going to seek this out before we get married (ie asap) just to make sure we have a good foundation.
    We (well more "she" but I agree with her) have discussed this already
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

    http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians

    Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
    Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
    Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    MrMerkinball wrote:
    I officially hate holidays and birthdays. My Mother is only part of the problem. My Brother's wife is evil (This I agree with) and my mom Sides with her. When My mom, and the witch get together, they have, in the past -been rather mean to my wife. I wouldn't want to go either.

    It just makes me sad that I have to choose between my wife and my extended family.
    Holy shit dude...you ARE me!


    my mother isn't that bad and my bro's wife is more of a pain in the ass than evil but damn, I know exactly whre you are coming from.
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    Cree Nations wrote:
    I think to be honest with you, that me and my fiancee are going to seek this out before we get married (ie asap) just to make sure we have a good foundation.
    We (well more "she" but I agree with her) have discussed this already
    That's not a bad idea. Sometimes it takes someone outside the relationship to see things you/her can't
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Steve DunneSteve Dunne Posts: 4,965
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    That's not a bad idea. Sometimes it takes someone outside the relationship to see things you/her can't

    agree...and doing this before the wedding is good advice. i laughed at the thought of pre-cana (sp?) and all that stuff, but it would have saved sooooo much aggrevation. it's not a cure, but every little bit helps. unless your fiancee is a bullshit artist.
    I love to turn you on
  • DeetroitBaasketballDeetroitBaasketball Posts: 379
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    yup

    To sum up the 2 day session:

    Session1: The bashing of me

    (According to my wife) I need to abandon "my side" of our family, Our kids grandparents (my side only) don't need to be at their grandkids kids birthday parties or take them places. My parents need to stop calling our house (probably called once a week to say hello, etc). My mother is Satan on earth......etc
    - I agree I need to be there for my wife more and tell my parents to cool it with the interfering of our family and will try to be a better husband. (it is agreed that I am a kickass father)

    Session2: What can my wife do to help

    Nothing, She is doing everything right and perfect in every way(according to my wife). The counselor noted that she herself is a grandmother and loves her grangchildren and that its nice to have that factor in their lives. My wife argues and basically tells her to bud out. The counselor gave me a "damnnn" kind of look...and we are done.

    Good luck man!

    That's crap. I do some marital counseling in my work and a good counselor knows enough not to side with either spouse - because the truth is, in a marriage it is never one person's fault. One person's problems may be more blatant (affair, drug abuse, etc.), but about 99% of the time that's because their spouse is doing/not doing something. The "blame" is equal.

    And if a spouse feels they are being picked on the counselor isn't working hard enough.

    Anyway, my advice is this: you can't change someone only influence them = you can only change yourself - if you are committed you'll try (same goes for the spouse).
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    DeetroitBaasketball wrote:
    That's crap. I do some marital counseling in my work and a good counselor knows enough not to side with either spouse - because the truth is, in a marriage it is never one person's fault. One person's problems may be more blatant (affair, drug abuse, etc.), but about 99% of the time that's because their spouse is doing/not doing something. The "blame" is equal.

    And if a spouse feels they are being picked on the counselor isn't working hard enough.

    Anyway, my advice is this: you can't change someone only influence them = you can only change yourself - if you are committed you'll try (same goes for the spouse).
    What I typed was a very brief summation of what went on. The entire transcript would be a bit too much. What it boiled down to was the first session we went over what bothered my wife and we discussed what I can do to help. Everything was going well. Once the counselor (during session 2) tried to talk to my wife (calmly and rationally) about my issues, my wife pretty much said "screw this". My wife just wanted to put all the blame on me, for ME to change, etc.
    I didn't feel like I was being picked on by the counselor at all, she was very helpful. My wife on the other hand....
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • nfanelnfanel Posts: 2,558
    Black Diamond wrote:
    The only suggestion I have is that you both should be happy with the person you pick from the get go. .
    at first i thought you meant happy with the person you pick to marry. i was gonna say...duh... :o:D

    edit: and, steve, of course i'm sorry to hear about the rough patch. hopefully you guys work through it in no time. :)
  • failedpersephonefailedpersephone Posts: 3,424
    This thread makes me feel sad for you boys!

    I would just like to say that as a shemale (:D) I am appalled that you are forced to choose between fights and drama OR doing things with your "side" of the family!

    being a sister with brothers that are married I totally know what it is like to see my formerly AWESOME bro reduced to a Mervynized shell walking into the house with a sheepish grin and a poorly wrapped gift. BREAKS my FUCKING HEART. apologizing and making excuses for why their wives aren't there...or worse, not showing up because her family has a "thing"

    :mad:

    Stevie, Mr.Merk, and PatB - goddammit I hope counseling works for you all...

    but it kinda seems to me (here is some salt, sorry for it...but I kinda feel like I have to be honest) like most counseling follows bizarre "sitcom" logic. That is, Husband = dumb oaf, good for paying bills and 30- minute shenanigans...and Wife = long suffering settler, always right.

    I did counseling with my current BF (we aren't married officially - but it's only from a distaste of religious dogma, and the lack of concern for legal/societal standards) and it made me feel like absolute SHIT...this counselor basically ripped my BF a total new one!

    made me very aware that the reason I am with him is NOT to change him.
    I don't want a khaki wearing dude that spends more time in the garage than with me...hiding from me and drinking beer.

    so yeah...I wish you SO much luck - but I also HOPE that you stand your ground...

    the last day of counseling I told my counselor (it was a man too!) "just because i have a vagina doesn't mean I am always right. when I am a bitch, he should be able to call me on it...this just isn't working for us. We are going to spend our counseling money on sex toys"

    (the last part was kinda a joke - I wanted to shock this man)

    Good luck...seriously!!
    IF YOU WANT A PLATE OF MY BEEF SWELLINGTON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY THE COVERCHARGE.
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