keeping desires a secret

GraySaturday
GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
edited July 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
So I am a really open person, with friends, family, my husband and even people on a message board that I don't know..

But I have a hard time admitting something in my life, and I think its because I know it can't happen, at least for a whole long long time.

So, I say that I don't want children. But that's sort of a lie. True, I do not want to have my own children - But I deeply desire to adopt a child. My mother worked for adoption agencies when I was a child as a social worker and adoption counselor, so I do know a bit about the process. There are so many children, in America, and around the world that need nothing more then a home, and a family to care about them. I crave the ability to give the gift of a loving family and home to one of those children.

However, with the steep cost of the adoption process coupled by the sick/sad health care system in America, this just isn't a option for me. (At this point in my life)

So, this might not always be the case. Hopefully in about 2 or so years I will be a teacher, and hopefully have health benefits and such, but with a declining economy, I worry about how health care will further suffer. As it is, I have to buy my own health insurance and the cost is crazy, and the coverage is less than stellar. It's okay, but still a slight gamble for a healthy adult, but unacceptable for a child. Not to mention the 20k + that I would need to come up with for the adoption process alone.

So my issue is, why do I keep this a big secret in my life. I feel like I am such an "in the moment" person and to think that I have to wait many many years to even consider something I want so much really scares me. I feel like when I admit I want something, it's only because I know I can attain it, so I don't get disappointed when it's not going to happen.

Does anyone have a really hard time with this in their lives? (With another situation?) How do you work through years of waiting for something that you secretly want really badly now?

*It feels really good to actually type it out.
Post edited by Unknown User on
«134

Comments

  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    I think I understand this somewhat.

    I am like this about things that are most important to me. For some reason, I like to keep them inside so people can't tell me not to want them...

    I think it's because my mother always used to use phrases like "Well, don't get your hopes up..." or "You don't really want that, you should prefer this..." or "Why would you like that?"

    Somehow, I feel it keeps important things safer if I just don't mention them out loud sometimes. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • An Animal
    An Animal Posts: 129
    Can't say I have ever had the problem. I usually do/get what I want when I want it.

    I always say, if it will make you happy then it can't be bad.
    "I am ahead, I am advanced, I am the
    first man to buy all of Stones
    underpants" E.V. during DTE 7-9-03
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    justam wrote:
    I think I understand this somewhat.

    I am like this about things that are most important to me. For some reason, I like to keep them inside so people can't tell me not to want them...

    I think it's because my mother always used to use phrases like "Well, don't get your hopes up..." or "You don't really want that, you should prefer this..." or "Why would you like that?"

    Somehow, I feel it keeps important things safer if I just don't mention them out loud sometimes. :)

    You know, my mother always said the same things.. She discouraged a lot of things in my life.

    I'm started to realize how unhealthy it is to only speak up about things I know I can have. Because A. I certainly can't have a lot of things, so I'm holding back on a lot of ideas and dreams that might be out of reach, and B. How does one move ahead if they have shallow desires? Don't we all achieve great things when we push ourselves to the limit?
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    do you not at least confide this in your husband? i find it's important to let some of *this* out to at least one person, to help you to process. the rest is just patience, working towards your goals, etc. this you know and do. also, does your husband not get health insurance thru his work? if so, wouldn't you and a child be able to get coverage? even with health care, it seems you have a lot you want/need to accomplish first, so definitely will be waiting a few years, nothing wrong with that. also nothing wrong with not letting everyone in your life know your desires. i don't share with many, and i certainly don't share all. the closest would be is my husband. we all hold onto a certain part of ourselves, including some desires, just for us...until we are ready. nothing wrong with it at all. :)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • Fighting Hellfish
    Fighting Hellfish Posts: 3,175
    you don't have to answer if it's too personal, but why would you prefer adoption over having your own children? I'm not knocking you, or saying you shouldn't do it. Just curious
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    decides2dream wrote:
    do you not at least confide this in your husband? i find it's important to let some of *this* out to at least one person, to help you to process. the rest is just patience, working towards your goals, etc. this you know and do. also, does your husband not get health insurance thru his work? if so, wouldn't you and a child be able to get coverage? even with health care, it seems you have a lot you want/need to accomplish first, so definitely will be waiting a few years, nothing wrong with that. also nothing wrong with not letting everyone in your life know your desires. i don't share with many, and i certainly don't share all. the closest would be is my husband. we all hold onto a certain part of ourselves, including some desires, just for us...until we are ready. nothing wrong with it at all. :)

    I did actually speak up about it yesterday with my husband. He's like, hey yeah, lets adopt a baby! Oh wait.. 20k? lets not. Money is such crap. He is such a practical person, and I think he has a hard time envisioning something so far out in the future. Coupled with the fact that he knows zero about adoption. It's a very foreign concept to him, and while he is open, he is more like.. taking it all in. If that makes sense.

    And, sadly, we do not have insurance through either of our jobs. He does not have a benefits plan, just a small allowance of pre-taxed money set aside each pay check to go towards health care. However, what employers who offer that seem to not realize, is that that small amount would go much further in a group plan, then buying insurance individually.
  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    Like you, I want things to happen "right now", and if I can't have them, it's painful to think about.

    My deepest desire right now is to move back to a city. (Specifically, Chicago...but maybe any city would do.) But I know we can't afford to live a city lifestyle right now, along with staying home with my daughter. I would have to work full time, and she'd be in daycare...and we still would be struggling, I think. It's just not something we can have right now.

    I've gone back and forth between accepting this and submitting to it, and wanting and looking forward to changing it...

    oh...gotta go but I'll comment more on this later, lol!
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    Fighting Hellfish wrote:
    you don't have to answer if it's too personal, but why would you prefer adoption over having your own children? I'm not knocking you, or saying you shouldn't do it. Just curious

    I just feel like there are many many children out there that need a home, and a loving family. I don't see the need in having my very own flesh and blood to create that loving family, and to me, while there are children out there that have this need, I don't feel the need to bring another child in the world. I have NOTHING against people having children, or anything, don't get me wrong.. But to me, it's like a way to give back almost, and change one child's life.
  • CityMouse
    CityMouse Posts: 1,010
    I sort of understand too.

    I don't think it's so much of keeping things secret in this case, I think you're just afraid to committ something so big. Once you say you want it, then you're letting down yourself AND other people if you don't do it. I think you want kids but you don't want kids unless it is a perfect situation, and that does make a lot of sense, but you are afraid people will judge you for that, and you may also be afraid that you won't get that perfect situation, so you're talking yourself out of that part of the truth. It's ok to sort of want something and sort of not. I am the same exact way for a lot of these same kinds of things- I *mostly* don't want kids, but I'd also just rather avoid the issue because I don't want to *really* think about whether I want them or not. I *mostly* don't want to get married, but I do *sort* of want to get married but only under certain conditions. But since I know most people wouldn't understand those certain conditions, and because it's unlikely those conditions will be met, it's easier just to say "I don't want to get married"-which, is also sort of true, because I *don't* want to if the conditions aren't met.
    phew ok, that was some rambling.

    as for your actual problem-If you don't have health benefits now, then yeah it's probably not a good idea to have kids! but if you're a teacher in the next few years, that's definitely doable. Teachers have excellent benefits, and the best possible work schedule for raising kids. I have friends who are teachers and they have two BEAUTIFUL adopted children from abroad. I think they have had to sacrifice a lot for their kids but if you could see these kids it would make you want to run out and adopt some of your own immediately!These people and another couple I used to know who also adopted 2 kids have really proven that it CAN be done on a small budget. I honestly have no idea how they did it but they did!
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    GraySaturday wrote:
    You know, my mother always said the same things.. She discouraged a lot of things in my life.

    I'm started to realize how unhealthy it is to only speak up about things I know I can have. Because A. I certainly can't have a lot of things, so I'm holding back on a lot of ideas and dreams that might be out of reach, and B. How does one move ahead if they have shallow desires? Don't we all achieve great things when we push ourselves to the limit?

    I still want what I want. I just don't mention it. :D;)

    But, I think perhaps it limits opportunities when things aren't out in the air...so I'm working on this...
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • CityMouse
    CityMouse Posts: 1,010
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I just feel like there are many many children out there that need a home, and a loving family. I don't see the need in having my very own flesh and blood to create that loving family, and to me, while there are children out there that have this need, I don't feel the need to bring another child in the world. I have NOTHING against people having children, or anything, don't get me wrong.. But to me, it's like a way to give back almost, and change one child's life.

    Graysaturday I totally agree with you. I don't think that I will adopt (but you never know) but if I made the decision to have kids, I would definitely adopt over having my own. it just seems to make so much more sense on so many levels.
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    GraySaturday, I forgot to mention that a teacher's schedule IS one of the best for raising children because you have the summers off when the kids do...

    I have found it to be SO helpful because my sons get a lot of time with us in the summer. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I did actually speak up about it yesterday with my husband. He's like, hey yeah, lets adopt a baby! Oh wait.. 20k? lets not. Money is such crap. He is such a practical person, and I think he has a hard time envisioning something so far out in the future. Coupled with the fact that he knows zero about adoption. It's a very foreign concept to him, and while he is open, he is more like.. taking it all in. If that makes sense.

    And, sadly, we do not have insurance through either of our jobs. He does not have a benefits plan, just a small allowance of pre-taxed money set aside each pay check to go towards health care. However, what employers who offer that seem to not realize, is that that small amount would go much further in a group plan, then buying insurance individually.


    gotcha.


    well obviously, the whole process of adoption is 'foreign' to most people, until the decide to go thru the process. so sure, you'll need to educate him some about it. and yes, you have to plan for it if you truly want it, and wait for it. and bummer about the healthcare. i just figured he would have it thru work as most professionals do. damn. however, that's another topic entirely.

    as to th rest, and this is not a criticism on you - just a general observation - i think we as a society are just way too used to getting things NOW. we want it, we get it. while it would seem that would be gratifying, it isn't always necessarily the way to go. good things come to those who wait and all that. :) obviously, if you could adopt a baby right now, tomorrow, would you truly want to? you plan on starting grad school, teaching, getting ahouse, paying off debts, etc.....would not perhaps want to get some of that accomplished first, get in a better situation? why rush, why overwhelm yourself? figure your course of action, your plans for the next few years, and work towards them slowly. you'll get there, no rush. :)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    decides2dream wrote:
    gotcha.


    well obviously, the whole process of adoption is 'foreign' to most people, until the decide to go thru the process. so sure, you'll need to educate him some about it. and yes, you have to plan for it if you truly want it, and wait for it. and bummer about the healthcare. i just figured he would have it thru work as most professionals do. damn. however, that's another topic entirely.

    as to th rest, and this is not a criticism on you - just a general observation - i think we as a society are just way too used to getting things NOW. we want it, we get it. while it would seem that would be gratifying, it isn't always necessarily the way to go. good things come to those who wait and all that. :) obviously, if you could adopt a baby right now, tomorrow, would you truly want to? you plan on starting grad school, teaching, getting ahouse, paying off debts, etc.....would not perhaps want to get some of that accomplished first, get in a better situation? why rush, why overwhelm yourself? figure your course of action, your plans for the next few years, and work towards them slowly. you'll get there, no rush. :)


    Well yeah, I couldn't adopt a baby right now due to many factors. Money, school, etc. If I had 20k for a baby, it would be because my debt was paid.. so its all related. If I could adopt a baby tomorrow, then yes, I would.. because if I "could" adopt a baby, I'd be in that good place with all the other things in my life.

    I do have a very hard time waiting for things in life. I'll admit that flaw! And I know it's important to wait, and do everything the right way, which is what I am doing.. but... it sucks! :p
  • Cree Nations
    Cree Nations Posts: 2,247
    I really want kids too and I am not sure as of yet when I will have any of my own. Regardless, adoption is something that I could see me and my fiancee doing down the line. We have thought about it and talked about it. There are millions of kids out there that could be adopted...thats for sure.
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

    http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians

    Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
    Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
    Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    GraySaturday wrote:
    Well yeah, I couldn't adopt a baby right now due to many factors. Money, school, etc. If I had 20k for a baby, it would be because my debt was paid.. so its all related. If I could adopt a baby tomorrow, then yes, I would.. because if I "could" adopt a baby, I'd be in that good place with all the other things in my life.

    I do have a very hard time waiting for things in life. I'll admit that flaw! And I know it's important to wait, and do everything the right way, which is what I am doing.. but... it sucks! :p



    of course it does, but it also why so many things are sooo gratifying. working towards something and then getting it......really is better than simply getting it. the anitcipation, the build-up, the process, then the 'reward'...i am sure you know that all too well with your body transformation. sure, it's nice to get things NOW, but there is a LOT of good to waiting and working towards those goals.

    i lived with a hideously pink bathroom for about 5 years. :p now, it is exactly what i want. sure, i'd liked to have gotten it as i wanted years earlier, but these are the trade-offs you make. i was happy we owned our own home, and it's amazing what you can live with when you have goals in mind. 12 years in and there's still tons i'd love to do, to change, etc...but it's a process. just like life.


    enjoy what you have right NOW, and work towards what you want tomorrow. you'll find it really doesn't 'suck' as much as you might think. ;)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • Fighting Hellfish
    Fighting Hellfish Posts: 3,175
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I just feel like there are many many children out there that need a home, and a loving family. I don't see the need in having my very own flesh and blood to create that loving family, and to me, while there are children out there that have this need, I don't feel the need to bring another child in the world. I have NOTHING against people having children, or anything, don't get me wrong.. But to me, it's like a way to give back almost, and change one child's life.


    that's cool. I hope you get a chance to do it. Are you hoping for a baby, or would you adopt an older child? Again, sorry if it's too personal
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    Fighting Hellfish wrote:
    that's cool. I hope you get a chance to do it. Are you hoping for a baby, or would you adopt an older child? Again, sorry if it's too personal

    I would adopt either. If it were a child from another country, I would tend to lean towards the younger end of the spectrum. Since I do not speak another language, I think that cultural differences can make the transition for an older child a bit harder.

    I would enjoy any child, but the younger they are, the more milestones you get to go through with them.
  • JOEJOEJOE
    JOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,822
    GraySaturday wrote:
    I would adopt either. If it were a child from another country, I would tend to lean towards the younger end of the spectrum. Since I do not speak another language, I think that cultural differences can make the transition for an older child a bit harder.

    I would enjoy any child, but the younger they are, the more milestones you get to go through with them.

    Are there any charitable foundations that financially assist those wanting to adopt?
  • GraySaturday
    GraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    Are there any charitable foundations that financially assist those wanting to adopt?

    I don't actually know.. Thats something I should research!

    Beats have a bake sale to raise money ;)

Categories