Parents, How do you discipline teen kid(s)?

LongRd. wrote:

His grades were great, around A's and B's but since September, his grades DROPPED dramatically. He was getting D's and C's in third report card. He will be going to high school in September (if all grades are passing).

It's the friends he's around with, my mother says.

He is the same age as my baby, going into the big bad HS next year. If your mom is too embarrassed you could give the school Psychologist a call...they might be able to be of some help, or at least steer you to someone who can. Don't wait too long to get on top of the situation, once he gets in with the HS kids things could go even further down hill very quickly. I watched it with my middle two sons friends. My 3rd son only has two friends from his group of buddies since middle school, still in the HS...all were thrown out or left this year. Such a nice group of kids too, they just got too into the drugs and drinking. So many kids now are really going over the deep end so early in the game. I'm not sure why this is happening so often. These kids weren't spoiled, but most have a bit of dysfunction with in their families, divorces, too strict parents, too wimpy parents, the two boys left in school with my son, parent like my hubby and I do, they are both very wealthy families, one family spoils the kids to no end, and the other doesn't. Both those families are large too, one has 4 sons and the other 5 sons. All the same ages as my boys. So who knows what the answers are?

oxc

i raised my daughter and son by myself. and with some simple observation i could see from other parents that wouldn't stand up to their kid(s) how their kid's rotten behavior would continue getting worse. so part of it is realizing that you have to have a backbone and that by giving in or trying to bribe them by buying them things in return for their good behavior you are actually doing them much more harm than good.

it doesn't really even take alot of discipline and by discipline i don't mean hitting or beating but just some basic "this is the behavior i expect from you and if you behave otherwise this will be the consequnces. if you don't want to follow the rules and you think i'm a bitch...tough shit, get over it"

so while i never had alot of rules my kids still had to go by the ones that i did have; such as i had to have the name, address and phone #s of their friends and their parent(s) or else they couldn't go to their house. if their were going to go play in the park or something, they had to let me know along with what time they would be home. if i wasn't home and they wanted to go somewhere they had to leave a note (though i suppose these days a text or voice message would be even easier.) they knew that if the consequence of not letting me know where they were meant that they wouldn't be going there again for a couple of weeks...so that wasn't ever an issue.

my kids did get grounded a few times but not alot. really the only "rule" that they would often break would be trying to rip each other's head's off. so yeah there were quite a few times where i'd have to do things like take away the video games, or cut them off from the tv. and when i really wanted to torture them for fighting (haha) i'd make them each go to their room and write an apology letter to the other, then they'd have to give them to each other with an "i'm sorry" and a hug.

LongRd. wrote:

I've always told her where my whereabouts, my friends' addresses and numbers; she even knew some of their parents as well. I've always tried to give an address or phone # where I'm at or sleeping over or whereabouts.

But my brother is secluded all these things from her.

sounds like she has to lay down the rule that he does not to go to anyone's house until she has their address and phone # or else he stays home. and at this point since he hasn't been giving her the info on his whereabouts even before he gets to go to their house ever again she has to talk to this friend's parent before that will happen.

Drop The Leash 10 wrote:

i can beat him for you. im only a year older than him and wouldnt be illegal

hehehehehehhe

I say that would be good..

Sometimes you just need to get your ass kicked

LongRd. wrote:

I took psychology classes and understand some of the side effects may causes but believe it's not in our culture or nature to be so disrespectful like this. It's the American youth and hip-hop/rock culture that corrupted a lot of the kids I saw growing up. I was one of them. If I was in an environment like I was before I came to the U.S., I would have never been that bad.

That's the problem with culture: It's not real. Behavior that results from cultural norms cannot be equated to an actual sense of morality. That is, just because your culture dictates what is or isn't respectful doesn't mean respect is actually defined by your culture.

The evidence to that is how easily swayed you were by exposure to hip-hop/rock culture. If your original cultural upbringing was truly a strong moral foundation, then you would not have been so susceptible to outside influences.

Keep in mind that people naturally know very little about themselves. I refer to the concept of emotional intelligence. Culture steps in and creates a generalized, superficial, and ultimately delusional sense of identity so as to fill that void and induce a sense of societal harmony.

LongRd wrote:

I'm paying the price right now with my life and situation I'm in. I'm in a state of bad karma. I'm trying to make things better.

My brother has no value or respect for our culture and tradition whatsoever. My mother told me she wanted to have us all visit our families in her native country as a family, my brother response by saying he'll rather stay at his friends house. Do you realized how painful and heart broken my mother was when he said that? She cried and cried.

In other words, your brother is just smart enough to know that culture is ridiculously superifical, but he hasn't yet been able to understand for himself what it means to be a part of the family.

What you call a lack of respect for culture and tradition is actually a desire to understand people and emotions for what they really are. In other words, you follow the wishes of your mother because you want to be "normal."

Your brother yearns to understand what it means to actually care. In some ways, it sounds as though you have a lot to learn from your brother.

LongRd wrote:

You as an American might think the way my people teach and discipline kids in my culture/country like we're savages and uncivilized people but it works. The kids obey their parents and adults. I was like that as a toddler to 12-years-old but that all changed in my teen years in New York. I was a terrible son/kid. Do you ever hear of any school shooting in South East Asia? Hardly ever.

But, your region has a long history of culture and tradition being such a strong force of influence in the lives of individual people that all too often human atrocities have occurred in the name of cultural symbolism.

You said you took psychology classes. Did you at least get to the upper division level so that you could study the concept of obedience?

I would be surprised if you studied obedience theory and still held the concept of culture in such high regard.

I'm a therapist who works with parents of delinquent kids. This is not your issue to deal with unfortunately. Beating him up only tells him that when he's pissed at someone that he should fight that person. Keep giving the positive messages, the rest isn't your responsibility. You might be able to do things that aren't necessarily "family outings". Take him to a Pearl Jam concert! Or just pretend to be nice to him and get him to talk about his peers. Butter him up, tell him you're impressed with how he pulls shit off. Get the info and give it to your mom.

Not sure what your mom is doing to handle the issue, but there must be some leverage she has to get phone numbers of peer parents. I know it's hard to problem solve when your kid is calling you a bitch, but your brother is just trying to push buttons and show your mom that he has power in the family. If your mom hits him, she only shows a loss of control that has been given to the 14 year old. Not reacting is okay or maybe a "I love you too" / "sorry you feel that way" response is better. That often gets under their skin because they realize they don't have the power to set the parent off.

This is my "expert" advice going off of a few paragraphs. I'm sure there is much more going on.

Im sorry about your brother. I don't have any children so I can't offer any advice. Hopefully things get better.

LongRd. wrote:

My mother having a hard time controlling/raising my 14-year-old brother. Over the phone, I heard him calling her a bitch and saying how she have too much control over his life and won't let him hang out with friends. She just want him to give information about the friend(s)' home phone and parents are but he refuses too. He gave her just a cell number and when she called the answer person didn't know who she was looking for.

I'm pretty pissed off and want to beat the shit out of him to make some sense into his head but I'll get in trouble for that.

In my old country, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, I was ready for a beating/spanking by my mother. But here in the U.S., she can't do that or else the social service people will intervene.

She had a bit of hard time raising me but I was sometimes reasonable with her. But my young brother isn't. He's into the hip hop/rap music and is pretty much very disrespectful too.

Anyways, I really want to beat the shit out of him to make him more reasonable with things. I know he's only 14 but I wasn't that bad when I was 14.

So any parents of a teen(around 14) know the best ways to raise a boy?

PJ_Lukin wrote:

I am not a professional in this field. But I am a parent, sibling and son. I know that violence is never, never, never, ever the answer.

there is a point when it's necessary.............

DeetroitBaasketball wrote:

I'm a therapist who works with parents of delinquent kids. This is not your issue to deal with unfortunately. Beating him up only tells him that when he's pissed at someone that he should fight that person. Keep giving the positive messages, the rest isn't your responsibility. You might be able to do things that aren't necessarily "family outings". Take him to a Pearl Jam concert! Or just pretend to be nice to him and get him to talk about his peers. Butter him up, tell him you're impressed with how he pulls shit off. Get the info and give it to your mom.

that might work if he has the brain of a toddler............seriously it isn't some after school special...........