Question(s) - for you married folk

Fifthelement

Jasunmark wrote:

I moved in with my husband when I was 23. But we didn't get married until last year when I was 39.

mind you, it was illegal for gay couples to get married until then.

So you know... I say if you know it's right.. go for it.

I think you're too young. But I'm not you.

Belated congratulations

DewieCox

Drowned Out wrote:

Don't get married.
Or do. It's your life

Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that? it all seems stale and self-congratulatory....ritual and ceremony for people who like fairy tales....

yes, I'm divorced ...but it's always been my opinion. You don't HAVE to announce your commitment to the world unless you truely BELIEVE it's necessary to do so...why so many people WANT to is beyond me.

You're talkin about a wedding not a marriage. You don't have to go through all the hoopla. You can elope or just go the the courthouse.

If you're committed to someone and you're gonna be for life, and both parties are mature enough to handle it, you'd be a fool to not get married. You get all kinds of breaks just for being married. None worth living a miserable life though, of course, but there are perks to marriage as opposed to just committing to each other.

iluvcats

you mentioned not having children yet or it would be later, etc....

my little sister already had 3 children. she had an implanted birth control device and got pregnant. we all wondered why she keeps having kids by her husband she splits up with every few months....my dad said the doctor was very surprised she got prego. the birth control device failed twice. she now has 5 kids and is trying to get a divorce. i think she could not take the Pill. even that is not 100 percent effective.

iluvcats

Things do change. Our life is completely different than when we moved in together in 1992 (he was 23 and I was older, lol.) I am lucky my husband has not divorced me with the elder care issues (my sick, OBESE, lazy mom). He is in the same organization at work, but he has more responsibility and with our long commute, his day is like 12-14 hours long. I posted this because it is just a few things to consider when you are married. My husband helps me with my mom but I can tell it is stressing him out and he can't stand how she treats me.

Good luck

madtowndave

I had been in a relationship with a girl for approximately 6 years, she was 2 years older than I was. I never had an inclination to get married, but she kept pushing. I ended it, met my future wife. Within 1 month of dating, I was trying to get her to elope. We dated for 6 months, had a 1 year engagement, and got married (I had just turned 25). We have been married for 3.5 years now. Looking back we would have had a shorter engagement. For anyone who says that living together is the same as marriage (we lived together for 1.5 years), it is NOT. You do become familiar with each other's habits, but with marriage comes the stress of finances and other things.

Marriage is great. It is different for every person. Some people are too young to get married at 30, so age is relative. It all depends on the individual. The average age for marriage in the U.S. is increasing. I believe it is approximately 28 for men and 26 for women. The increase is due to the extended period of adulthood for American individuals. It takes longer to go to school and become financially independent than it used to be, which explains the increase in age. What I am trying to say after this rambling is that 21 may seem young to some people, but when you know, YOU KNOW. If she feels the same way, go for it.

decides2dream

i wonder if anyone has any stats on any possible correlations of age and marriage? as in, DO more who marry young end up divorcing, or are the #s about the same no matter what age you marry? merely curious.

imo, stats don't make much difference, personally, b/c every one is different, and for every successful marriage there is a failure, and vice versa....and i see that across agre ranges.

i married at 23....still married 17 years later
oldest sister married at 23.....had one child....divorced 8 years later.....remarried at 33 (her 2nd husnad's first marriage at 35)....2 kids......divorced 10 years later......nowadays lives with a BF and her 2 youngest kids
middle sister lived with many BFs......married for the first time at 39....married now close to 6 years, seems pretty solid
hubby's sister married at 22, 2 kids....now 2 grandkids....still married over 25 years later
his older brother never married, lived with a woman from say age 30-52....and split.

i DO find it interesting that amongst our friends, most were married 'young'....say 22-26.......and outside of one couple who divorced almost immediately, all the marriages are intact. of course, broadening the circle to more casual friendships, aquaintances and the like, obviously know lots of people who married young and divorced...but also know plenty who married later and divorced. so i personally don't think age, alone, is a deciding factor on marital success. i think maturity, love and commitment, good communication skills and the true desire to spend the rest of your life with this person and do what it takes to stick it out...you know, in sickness and in health...in good times and in bad.....yea....that's it. and that CAN happen, at any age.

just sayin'.....




and in all my ramblings......another post was made above ^^^ in the interim.....good points!

madtowndave

I am moving next week, so I already packed all of the books and articles that would give the exact statistics, but I can roughly tell you that young marriage increases the likelihood of divorce, and living together also increases the likelihood of divorce. Of course education, socio-economic status, etc also play a role.

decides2dream

madtowndave wrote:

I am moving next week, so I already packed all of the books and articles that would give the exact statistics, but I can roughly tell you that young marriage increases the likelihood of divorce, and living together also increases the likelihood of divorce. Of course education, socio-economic status, etc also play a role.

interesting...


i already knew the stat about the living together having a higher incidence of divorce, but not the age correlation. i guess thinking about it it shouldn't be too surprising....being younger more apt to make rash decisions, just about anything - let alone marriage.....and being young IS a time of flux. i think in time tho, that may change. as you mention, the first-time marital age IS rising, for both genders....for all the reasons you state. there is probably more pressure placed on those married young rather than older nowadays, and that is a big societal shift. with the pressure of 'having' to marry young now gone, and really quite the opposite...i would hope those stats would then change since those who may choose a young marriage will do so b/c they truly want it and the commitment...tho i guess those changing pressures will always be there. i actually found the early 30s a bit more difficult on our marriage than our 20s.....and we actually did all the big changes, finishing grad school, buying a home, etc...in our 20s. eh well....one can still always make rash decisions :P ...and sure, while maturity is NOT necessarily correlated with age, in general, one does usually become more mature with age...or you'd hope anyway. interesting, interesting........bottomline tho, no matter the stats, everyone creats their own stats....i still love the study and discussion of em tho.....

soulsinging

Drowned Out wrote:

Don't get married.
Or do. It's your life

Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that?

A shit ton of free gifts of basic necessities for your home, an iron clad excuse to get vacation time for a honeymoon, and lower taxes?

Drowned Out

DewieCox wrote:

Drowned Out wrote:

Don't get married.
Or do. It's your life

Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that? it all seems stale and self-congratulatory....ritual and ceremony for people who like fairy tales....

yes, I'm divorced ...but it's always been my opinion. You don't HAVE to announce your commitment to the world unless you truely BELIEVE it's necessary to do so...why so many people WANT to is beyond me.

You're talkin about a wedding not a marriage. You don't have to go through all the hoopla. You can elope or just go the the courthouse.

If you're committed to someone and you're gonna be for life, and both parties are mature enough to handle it, you'd be a fool to not get married. You get all kinds of breaks just for being married. None worth living a miserable life though, of course, but there are perks to marriage as opposed to just committing to each other.

Ya, you’re right…weddings are my main beef, but….
The ‘perks’ you speak of are dependant upon where you live…I’m pretty sure that around here, once you’re common-law, all marriage tax breaks etc can be applied….and if not, they should be…then the last vestiges of a dying institution can fade into the sunset with the sentiment it implies. Short of religion or adherence to tradition as reasons for marriage, the best reason you could come up with in response to my post was ‘but you get tax breaks’….? Not what it’s supposed to be about….the things that it IS supposed to be about have nothing to do with ‘marriage’ per se…
People always think I’m being cynical about this, but I don’t see it as cynical to call marriage a piece of paper…because it is. Committing in front of your friends, signing your life away…none of it means anything without follow-thru…in fact, it makes it more of a socially damaging hassle if things don’t work out or one party changes their mind…so to me, it’s pointless. Doesn’t make me any less commitment-worthy (commitable? )

Drowned Out

soulsinging wrote:

Drowned Out wrote:

Don't get married.
Or do. It's your life

Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that?

A shit ton of free gifts of basic necessities for your home, an iron clad excuse to get vacation time for a honeymoon, and lower taxes?

.....see? milking your friends n family, and perks at work are not reasons to get married.
Besides...unless you're bein cheap or have a bride with a rich, traditional family...your weddign costs should pretty much offset the gifts n cash...which just means in the end, you're letting other people pick out all the shit for your house, but still payin for it (unless you sign up to a registry, which just sucks everyone into buying crap from one place and missing out on deals).

decides2dream

marriage is exactly what YOU think it is. if you think it's just a piece of paper, well then, it IS just a piece of paper. if you think it is so moch more...well then, it is. you get the idea. to me marriage is the highest form of commitment 2 people can make to each other. doesn't matter if you have a 'wedding'....the legal perks don't matter there either, tho they are nice.....to me, and to many others....it's about the commitment. can you commit to another for life without marriage? of course. for some of us....marriage makes that commitment *more*.......

agree, disagree...c'est la vie........so many differing perspectives on it. i take no issue with those who say marriage is not for them, more power to ya....it in no way diminishes my personal views of marriage, nor my own marriage...





drowned out....what is 'interesting' about some stats is that people who live together before marriage are actually MORE likely to divorce than those who don't live together first. so it does say something about that 'piece of paper'.....tho all interpretations of just what it says will vary greatly.


btw - get married in NY......you get 99.5% of your gifts in cash.

seriously tho, for me.....the idea that i willing chose, and my husband willing chose, to legally bind ourselves together, to make a formal commitment....a spiritual(not the same as religious, tho for some it may be) commitment......that's MY kind of commitment. others don't need or want it....but i do.....it's all good......

Drowned Out

decides2dream wrote:

marriage is exactly what YOU think it is. if you think it's just a piece of paper, well then, it IS just a piece of paper. if you think it is so moch more...well then, it is. you get the idea. to me marriage is the highest form of commitment 2 people can make to each other. doesn't matter if you have a 'wedding'....the legal perks don't matter there either, tho they are nice.....to me, and to many others....it's about the commitment. can you commit to another for life without marriage? of course. for some of us....marriage makes that commitment *more*.......agree, disagree...c'est la vie........so many differing perspectives on it. i take no issue with those who say marriage is not for them, more power to ya....it in no way diminishes my personal views of marriage, nor my own marriage...

I can live with that
The bold is pretty much the argument that got me sucked into it, despite my beliefs, in the first place It means little to me either way, so I had no big qualms about getting married haha

Get_Right

21 is young dude
have you had a threesome yet?

if not delay marriage.
kidding


sort of

madtowndave

decides2dream wrote:

madtowndave wrote:

I am moving next week, so I already packed all of the books and articles that would give the exact statistics, but I can roughly tell you that young marriage increases the likelihood of divorce, and living together also increases the likelihood of divorce. Of course education, socio-economic status, etc also play a role.

interesting...


i already knew the stat about the living together having a higher incidence of divorce, but not the age correlation. i guess thinking about it it shouldn't be too surprising....being younger more apt to make rash decisions, just about anything - let alone marriage.....and being young IS a time of flux. i think in time tho, that may change. as you mention, the first-time marital age IS rising, for both genders....for all the reasons you state. there is probably more pressure placed on those married young rather than older nowadays, and that is a big societal shift. with the pressure of 'having' to marry young now gone, and really quite the opposite...i would hope those stats would then change since those who may choose a young marriage will do so b/c they truly want it and the commitment...tho i guess those changing pressures will always be there. i actually found the early 30s a bit more difficult on our marriage than our 20s.....and we actually did all the big changes, finishing grad school, buying a home, etc...in our 20s. eh well....one can still always make rash decisions :P ...and sure, while maturity is NOT necessarily correlated with age, in general, one does usually become more mature with age...or you'd hope anyway. interesting, interesting........bottomline tho, no matter the stats, everyone creats their own stats....i still love the study and discussion of em tho.....

Yeah, if we were to live our life by stats only, it would be no fun. Plus, different studies can produce different results. But the study of trends in marriage and the family is truly fascinating. You are exactly right when you mention 'having' to marry. People now have a choice, so the marry for romantic ideas instead of economic cooperation.

decides2dream

Drowned Out wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

marriage is exactly what YOU think it is. if you think it's just a piece of paper, well then, it IS just a piece of paper. if you think it is so moch more...well then, it is. you get the idea. to me marriage is the highest form of commitment 2 people can make to each other. doesn't matter if you have a 'wedding'....the legal perks don't matter there either, tho they are nice.....to me, and to many others....it's about the commitment. can you commit to another for life without marriage? of course. for some of us....marriage makes that commitment *more*.......agree, disagree...c'est la vie........so many differing perspectives on it. i take no issue with those who say marriage is not for them, more power to ya....it in no way diminishes my personal views of marriage, nor my own marriage...

I can live with that
The bold is pretty much the argument that got me sucked into it, despite my beliefs, in the first place It means little to me either way, so I had no big qualms about getting married haha

so you married 'despite your beliefs' that it is meaningless? perhaps not the best idea. hahaha.
while i think my husband could've easily chosen to live with me for life and not 'needed' marriage......he did ask me, no pressures - we even got married in a church! :shock: ....and he also is glad we both chose marriage, for ALL the reasons possible. i know when people debate the topic, the idea that it's just a piece of paper, or how can it be 'more' etc......goes on and on, and all i can say is....it just is, for some of us, anyway....:P i respect others not believing in that choice, it just happens to be my personal choice.

madtowndave wrote:

Yeah, if we were to live our life by stats only, it would be no fun. Plus, different studies can produce different results. But the study of trends in marriage and the family is truly fascinating. You are exactly right when you mention 'having' to marry. People now have a choice, so the marry for romantic ideas instead of economic cooperation.

absolutely.
i also believe that a good portion of the reason for the increase in divorce IS the fact that marriage is truly a CHOICE nowadays, and NOT an absolute 'necessity' as it once was.

decides2dream

Get_Right wrote:

21 is young dude
have you had a threesome yet?

if not delay marriage.
kidding


sort of

have you?
:P



you can't have a threesome after marriage?
i didn't recite that in my marriage vows....;)

madtowndave

Once again, your assumption is positively correlated to statistics.

decides2dream

madtowndave wrote:

Once again, your assumption is positively correlated to statistics.

well sure....i admit, it's an educated assumption.
toldya this stuff fascinates me, so i have and DO read a lot on the topic. human behavior fascinates me in general, but i am especially interested in gender dynamics and relationships. i think feminism was the first thing to get 'blamed' for the demise of marriage and the diminshment of family....... :roll: obviously, equality does play it's part...but it's just a part of the bigger picture, and there is sooo much more to it than that. nowadays homosexuals get to be 'blamed' for wanting to diminish the sanctity of marriage :roll: :roll: :roll: ...so much 'blame'.....yet really, pointless.

madtowndave

Drowned Out wrote:

DewieCox wrote:

Drowned Out wrote:

Don't get married.
Or do. It's your life

Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that? it all seems stale and self-congratulatory....ritual and ceremony for people who like fairy tales....

yes, I'm divorced ...but it's always been my opinion. You don't HAVE to announce your commitment to the world unless you truely BELIEVE it's necessary to do so...why so many people WANT to is beyond me.

You're talkin about a wedding not a marriage. You don't have to go through all the hoopla. You can elope or just go the the courthouse.

If you're committed to someone and you're gonna be for life, and both parties are mature enough to handle it, you'd be a fool to not get married. You get all kinds of breaks just for being married. None worth living a miserable life though, of course, but there are perks to marriage as opposed to just committing to each other.

Ya, you’re right…weddings are my main beef, but….
The ‘perks’ you speak of are dependant upon where you live…I’m pretty sure that around here, once you’re common-law, all marriage tax breaks etc can be applied….and if not, they should be…then the last vestiges of a dying institution can fade into the sunset with the sentiment it implies. Short of religion or adherence to tradition as reasons for marriage, the best reason you could come up with in response to my post was ‘but you get tax breaks’….? Not what it’s supposed to be about….the things that it IS supposed to be about have nothing to do with ‘marriage’ per se…
People always think I’m being cynical about this, but I don’t see it as cynical to call marriage a piece of paper…because it is. Committing in front of your friends, signing your life away…none of it means anything without follow-thru…in fact, it makes it more of a socially damaging hassle if things don’t work out or one party changes their mind…so to me, it’s pointless. Doesn’t make me any less commitment-worthy (commitable? )

Just for the sake of argument, because you see that I tend to agree with many statements you make.... First, marriage is not a dying institution. It is definitely a CHANGING institution, but it is not dying. The U.S. still has one of the highest marriage rates in the world.
Second, (please note I AM NOT RELIGIOUS) even though the secularization theory has for years stated that religion is disappearing, it is not. We are seeing an increase in the amount of people who choose no religious preference on surveys, but people still continue to believe in religious phenomena or in a god. Theorists have proposed for years that religion would disappear, but it has not.
Third, there is argument, that says marriage is now a public symbol of success and achievement. People want to publicly demonstrate to their friends that they have attained a level of success. I kind of buy into it because the meaning of marriage has changed over time. It was originally a way to legitimize children.
Just some thoughts...