Question(s) - for you married folk

dcfaithful

So...my girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now, and known each other longer. We've both talked a lot about marriage, and we are both very comfortable in saying that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. She's 25, and I'm going on 21...so, naturally she is a little more worried that my feelings might change in the next few years. I know myself, and I've never been one to have a desire to be with different women or go chasing tail. So even as young as I am, I'm not worried about being with one woman forever because I lover her so much, and I know that nobody else could make me as happy as I am being with her right now. I know people change through out the years and can grow apart...but we've been growign together, and nothing has changed.

Marriage scares me a little bit...but it's not too different that how it is now, right? She's from out of state, doesn't have much family here..actually none really except for mine. We live together, see each other everyday and spend pretty much every moment together aside from work or the nights that I go out with friends, and she doesn't feel like coming, because she is always invited.

Is there a line to be drawn between too young/the right age to consider marriage, or should it all depend on how you perceive it. If I'm not worried and it's the right thing to do...should I be worried about what others think because of my age?

Thanks guys,
If you're currently married, or have been married. I'm confident that you can relate to me somehow on the quesitons that I'm asking myself.

soulsinging

I think it's all about the people involved. I'm 27 and nowhere near grown up enough for marriage. I actually thought I was a few years ago, and maybe I could have been with the right girl, but things changed for me and now... not so much. So you can be young and ready, or older and not. Doesn't matter as long as you're both on the same page.

DewieCox

It's different for everybody.

Like soulsinging, I'm 27 and nowhere near mature enough to be married. I'm married anyway though and couldn't be happier. I've been married for almost 3 years. My wife is 2 years younger than me. We have a 1.5 year old girl and another's gonna be here in a couple months. It's awesome.

If you're sure you wanna get married, get married. It's not a whole lot different from living together.

You can view gettin married as being trapped or as somebody that has your back no matter what. So that kinda depends on the type of people you are, too.


Don't let what anybody says to you change your mind one way or the other.

Chances are, you know the answer.

CHANGEinWAVES

I'm sorry I didn't read the whole post... But I saw that you're 21... I was 21 when I was married. All I can say is wait. Even make it a long engagement... But just wait. I am not the person I was when I was 21. At the time I never thought I was too young... But honestly 21 is too young.


You can love just the same if you are not married. Marriage at a young age just complicates things.

With that said, do what you feel. None of us can tell you what is right or wrong for you. But marriage is not the end all be all... You can express everything now that you can when married.

Good luck and I wish you the best. (Sorry if none of this pertains, I'm in a rush to meet someone so I didn't read the whole thing...again sorry)

Lizard

I got married at 23 - husband was just 2 weeks shy of 23. I am still married some 24 years later (in July).

You are sooooooo young (my oldest will be 21 in a few months and I cannot even imagine him being married) but with that being said you sound very mature and have a great attitude/perspective that I think it would work for you!!! Do what you feel is the right thing for YOU and go with it. It can be a GREAT ride!!!

Wilds

Everyone is different, and I don't think someones age should matter. If it is right, it is right.

The only thing I would want to say about the situation is for you to WAIT to have children. Wait until she is 30 at least.

That way if it doesn't work out over the next 5 to 10 years, it will be unpleasant but you won't have kids to worry about.

There is nothing pretty about divorce, it's awful, but with kids it can devastate them.

youngster

It's true. Everyone is different. I was 23 when I got married and that was 3.5 years ago. Still happily married with a child and another on the way. I have no regrets. We were together since I was 20 and she was 19, spent 3 or so years dating and then decided, WTH, let's go for it. I have never lloked back and I am just as happy now as I was then. Do what's in you're heart and you'll be all right. Don't worry about what others think, either.

Fifthelement

My husband and I were engaged for almost four years (I had major cold feet ). We decided (or I did) to get married when he got his posting notice to a base all the way across the country. I figured if I was gonna move that far, then I'm getting half if it goes south Anywho, sixteen years later (this June) and we are still together and very, very happy. He is my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without him. Btw, I had just turned 22 when we finally tied the knot.

As others have said, it completely depends on the individuals involved. She has been with you during some of the shittiest times of your life, and I imagine some of the best. You both still have a lot of growing up to do, but there is no reason that you can't do it together Cheers and good luck :P

PearlJam24

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

I'm sorry I didn't read the whole post... But I saw that you're 21... I was 21 when I was married. All I can say is wait. Even make it a long engagement... But just wait. I am not the person I was when I was 21. At the time I never thought I was too young... But honestly 21 is too young.


You can love just the same if you are not married. Marriage at a young age just complicates things.

With that said, do what you feel. None of us can tell you what is right or wrong for you. But marriage is not the end all be all... You can express everything now that you can when married.

Good luck and I wish you the best. (Sorry if none of this pertains, I'm in a rush to meet someone so I didn't read the whole thing...again sorry)

I agree with you, I was marred at 22, my wife 19 at the time. All I know is she left me valentine's weekend. Didn't want to go to counseling. Told me last Sunday she wanted to file for divorce. I'm still trying to figure out why she left. She said the past year was the best year we had since we've been married (8 years).

I'm not going to tell you to marry or not to marry. Don't rush it or feel you have to. If marriage is scary to you, I'd hold off.

yoke

do whatever you feel is right.

I was 25 when I got married, I was with my wife since I was 19 and knew her since the 7th grade. We are the same age but I honestly don't think that age is an issue. If you feel you are ready then I say got for it. Oh we have been married for 9 years now. Hell her and I have been together since 1993/1994 :shock: .. I remember she bought me Sweet Relief on CD when Crazy Mary hit the radio.

I say if you are ready go for it. If not wait another year, then propose and set the date for a year after that. So 2 maybe 3 years.

decides2dream

do what feels right for you....both.
and please, don't let anyone else, nor anyone else's experience...good or bad.....affect you. they are not you, you are not them...your relationship with your girl is unique and yours. doesn't matter how many people split, nor stayed together...doesn't matter what age they were.....what matter is you two.


that said, i had my first date with my husband when i was 18 and he was 20. :shock: he was not my first love..what can i say, i started young ......and while we did date - also saw others, since it was such a time of flux..i studied abroad...etc.....we certainly didn't rush. we got married when i was 23 ad he just turned 26. 17 years married this june...and i wouldn't change any of it. people can grow apart and change at ANY age. i personally think that's an 'excuse'. outside of abuse, addiction, things of that nature....the rest...the growing apart, etc...it's a choice. you BOTH have to make a choice, every day, that your marriage is important to you both....and that you want to make it work. some days it takes no effort...some days it take herculean efforts. i've read so much on the topic, beyond my personal experience....and those that stick it out, and those who divorce...and those who remarry, etc, etc...so often....people choose the 'same person' over and over.....some aren't any more 'happy' with their 3rd spouse than their 1st.....and some with their first/only spouse unbelievably happy, others not so much. it's just all so....individual. some stick it out no matter what...some cut and run at the first sign of trouble...most probably fall somewhere inbetween. only you and she can know what you want, and really.....it's always a leap of faith. as to it 'not being much different'...i have to say, the stats speak otherwise....but again, it really depends on YOUR perspective.

now i said to not listen to anyone else, just your heart....but i'm still going to weigh in. if you truly love, know you want to spend the rest of your life with her....i'm sith you, why wait? great line in the flick when harry met sally....paraphrasing: when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible. :P i agree. while there is 'no rush'...there is also no reason to hold back from your desires. i'll also say, from your posts i'd NEVEr have guessed you were 21.....i thought more like late 20s, early 30s. you seem solid, dependable, thoughtful.....


bottomline...i'd say if you want it.....go for it.
good luck with whatever you decide.

justam

I was eighteen when I met my husband and I made him wait four years before I would get married (he's older than me) but I think there's something beautiful about marrying young because you grow up together.

Do whatever feels right for you.

_

What's the rush? Is there any downside to waiting?

My parents were married at 19 and they were way too young. It wasn't good for them, it wasn't good for us kids, and it ended in divorce.

I always think back to that age and am thankful I never married (or had kids with) the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with at age 19 (after 3 years), or the guy I wanted to spend my life with at age 25 (after 4 years), or....... I'm only 32 now, but those relationships seem like another lifetime ago.

It sounds like you're sure this is the woman for you and, if you believe that, I don't doubt that you're right. But, if so, it seems like there shouldn't be any need for urgency. Keep enjoying the life you currently enjoy together.

mfc2006

if the issue scares you a bit, then wait it out.

when it stops scaring you, the time is right for you.

granted, this is just my opinion. i didn't get married until i was 31, and that was only 9 months ago. i'm not saying that she's wrong for you at all, but i am saying that (at least for me) it has to feel right in every way.

my wife & i could have gotten married sooner, but we had no doubt that we were going to end up with eachother, just like how you feel for your girlfriend.

take this time to talk things through & figure out what you want. not just for the ceremony itself, but for your relationship. you'll be glad that you did.

hope this helps & good luck, man!!!

marrying my wife was the best thing that i've ever done.

The Champ

Maybe you should try living a little first, like eating some red meat ..haha, but seriously I met my wife at 25 and got married last year when I was 28. Personally, I did most of my growing between 19-23..got just about everything you can think of out of my system and married with all the confidence and love in the world. Maybe play it safe and keep dating for a few years, then get engaged..what's the hurry if you're going to be together forever anyway?

The Champ

decides2dream wrote:

now i said to not listen to anyone else, just your heart....but i'm still going to weigh in. if you truly love, know you want to spend the rest of your life with her....i'm sith you, why wait? great line in the flick when harry met sally....paraphrasing: when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible. :P i agree. while there is 'no rush'...there is also no reason to hold back from your desires. i'll also say, from your posts i'd NEVEr have guessed you were 21.....i thought more like late 20s, early 30s. you seem solid, dependable, thoughtful.....

I just read this and realized how it's the total opposite of my last sentence in my reply..guess that's what is so great about a forum like this..though I am always right ..

dcfaithful

Everyone, thank you for responding.

I love this group of people and I value all your opinions because I know this place is filled with some good hearted and good minded souls.

I shouldn't have said it the way I did...I'm not scared because I don't feel comfortable...I guess I'm scared about being judged...which is something I've never been worried about except for this issue.

And I agree...there really is no rush, but like decides2dream said...why wait to flourish in something that you want? I guess there really is no right/wrong answer...just how I feel.

I have a tendency to put too much on my plate at once :? But someone mentioned children?!? Rest-assured, that will not be happening soon. Not only am I not prepared or ready to devote my time to that because I still have a lot of growing of my own to do, I don't want to risk divorce being in someone else's life. My dad left my mom when I was 11 and after that I swore to myself that whenever I get married...I'm doing my damndest to make sure it happens only once. No one should have to go through what kids go through in a divorce, or the husband and wife for that matter...

Seriously though, like I said...I value everyone's opinions, and I take it all to heart. With a subject like this, the best thing I can get is some good, from the heart advice.

Whenever it happens though, you guys can count on me posting a celebration thread!!!

dcfaithful

decides2dream wrote:

i'll also say, from your posts i'd NEVEr have guessed you were 21.....i thought more like late 20s, early 30s. you seem solid, dependable, thoughtful.....

Aw, thanks :oops:

The Champ

dcfaithful wrote:

Everyone, thank you for responding.

I love this group of people and I value all your opinions because I know this place is filled with some good hearted and good minded souls.

I shouldn't have said it the way I did...I'm not scared because I don't feel comfortable...I guess I'm scared about being judged...which is something I've never been worried about except for this issue.

And I agree...there really is no rush, but like decides2dream said...why wait to flourish in something that you want? I guess there really is no right/wrong answer...just how I feel.

I have a tendency to put too much on my plate at once :? But someone mentioned children?!? Rest-assured, that will not be happening soon. Not only am I not prepared or ready to devote my time to that because I still have a lot of growing of my own to do, I don't want to risk divorce being in someone else's life. My dad left my mom when I was 11 and after that I swore to myself that whenever I get married...I'm doing my damndest to make sure it happens only once. No one should have to go through what kids go through in a divorce, or the husband and wife for that matter...

Seriously though, like I said...I value everyone's opinions, and I take it all to heart. With a subject like this, the best thing I can get is some good, from the heart advice.

Whenever it happens though, you guys can count on me posting a celebration thread!!!

Well, based on this, I stand very strong on my reply. You are, without a doubt not ready..just chill, live, experience and only then perhaps you'll know the true answer to the question....Though I would only hope it's not answered via the message pit..lol..for your sake and hers..

Prince Of Dorkness

I moved in with my husband when I was 23. But we didn't get married until last year when I was 39.

mind you, it was illegal for gay couples to get married until then.

So you know... I say if you know it's right.. go for it.

I think you're too young. But I'm not you.

Drowned Out

Don't get married.
Or do. It's your life

Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that? it all seems stale and self-congratulatory....ritual and ceremony for people who like fairy tales....

yes, I'm divorced ...but it's always been my opinion. You don't HAVE to announce your commitment to the world unless you truely BELIEVE it's necessary to do so...why so many people WANT to is beyond me.