Question(s) - for you married folk
dcfaithful
Posts: 13,076
So...my girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now, and known each other longer. We've both talked a lot about marriage, and we are both very comfortable in saying that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. She's 25, and I'm going on 21...so, naturally she is a little more worried that my feelings might change in the next few years. I know myself, and I've never been one to have a desire to be with different women or go chasing tail. So even as young as I am, I'm not worried about being with one woman forever because I lover her so much, and I know that nobody else could make me as happy as I am being with her right now. I know people change through out the years and can grow apart...but we've been growign together, and nothing has changed.
Marriage scares me a little bit...but it's not too different that how it is now, right? She's from out of state, doesn't have much family here..actually none really except for mine. We live together, see each other everyday and spend pretty much every moment together aside from work or the nights that I go out with friends, and she doesn't feel like coming, because she is always invited.
Is there a line to be drawn between too young/the right age to consider marriage, or should it all depend on how you perceive it. If I'm not worried and it's the right thing to do...should I be worried about what others think because of my age?
Thanks guys,
If you're currently married, or have been married. I'm confident that you can relate to me somehow on the quesitons that I'm asking myself.
Marriage scares me a little bit...but it's not too different that how it is now, right? She's from out of state, doesn't have much family here..actually none really except for mine. We live together, see each other everyday and spend pretty much every moment together aside from work or the nights that I go out with friends, and she doesn't feel like coming, because she is always invited.
Is there a line to be drawn between too young/the right age to consider marriage, or should it all depend on how you perceive it. If I'm not worried and it's the right thing to do...should I be worried about what others think because of my age?
Thanks guys,
If you're currently married, or have been married. I'm confident that you can relate to me somehow on the quesitons that I'm asking myself.
7/2/06 - Denver, CO
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
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Comments
Like soulsinging, I'm 27 and nowhere near mature enough to be married. I'm married anyway though and couldn't be happier. I've been married for almost 3 years. My wife is 2 years younger than me. We have a 1.5 year old girl and another's gonna be here in a couple months. It's awesome.
If you're sure you wanna get married, get married. It's not a whole lot different from living together.
You can view gettin married as being trapped or as somebody that has your back no matter what. So that kinda depends on the type of people you are, too.
Don't let what anybody says to you change your mind one way or the other.
Chances are, you know the answer.
You can love just the same if you are not married. Marriage at a young age just complicates things.
With that said, do what you feel. None of us can tell you what is right or wrong for you. But marriage is not the end all be all... You can express everything now that you can when married.
Good luck and I wish you the best. (Sorry if none of this pertains, I'm in a rush to meet someone so I didn't read the whole thing...again sorry)
You are sooooooo young (my oldest will be 21 in a few months and I cannot even imagine him being married) but with that being said you sound very mature and have a great attitude/perspective that I think it would work for you!!! Do what you feel is the right thing for YOU and go with it. It can be a GREAT ride!!!
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
The only thing I would want to say about the situation is for you to WAIT to have children. Wait until she is 30 at least.
That way if it doesn't work out over the next 5 to 10 years, it will be unpleasant but you won't have kids to worry about.
There is nothing pretty about divorce, it's awful, but with kids it can devastate them.
9/29/04 Boston, 6/28/08 Mansfield, 8/23/09 Chicago, 5/15/10 Hartford
5/17/10 Boston, 10/15/13 Worcester, 10/16/13 Worcester, 10/25/13 Hartford
8/5/16 Fenway, 8/7/16 Fenway
EV Solo: 6/16/11 Boston, 6/18/11 Hartford,
As others have said, it completely depends on the individuals involved. She has been with you during some of the shittiest times of your life, and I imagine some of the best. You both still have a lot of growing up to do, but there is no reason that you can't do it together
I agree with you, I was marred at 22, my wife 19 at the time. All I know is she left me valentine's weekend. Didn't want to go to counseling. Told me last Sunday she wanted to file for divorce. I'm still trying to figure out why she left. She said the past year was the best year we had since we've been married (8 years).
I'm not going to tell you to marry or not to marry. Don't rush it or feel you have to. If marriage is scary to you, I'd hold off.
I was 25 when I got married, I was with my wife since I was 19 and knew her since the 7th grade. We are the same age but I honestly don't think that age is an issue. If you feel you are ready then I say got for it. Oh we have been married for 9 years now. Hell her and I have been together since 1993/1994 :shock: .. I remember she bought me Sweet Relief on CD when Crazy Mary hit the radio.
I say if you are ready go for it. If not wait another year, then propose and set the date for a year after that. So 2 maybe 3 years.
www.seanbrady.net
and please, don't let anyone else, nor anyone else's experience...good or bad.....affect you. they are not you, you are not them...your relationship with your girl is unique and yours. doesn't matter how many people split, nor stayed together...doesn't matter what age they were.....what matter is you two.
that said, i had my first date with my husband when i was 18 and he was 20. :shock: he was not my first love..what can i say, i started young
now i said to not listen to anyone else, just your heart....but i'm still going to weigh in.
bottomline...i'd say if you want it.....go for it.
good luck with whatever you decide.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Do whatever feels right for you.
My parents were married at 19 and they were way too young. It wasn't good for them, it wasn't good for us kids, and it ended in divorce.
I always think back to that age and am thankful I never married (or had kids with) the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with at age 19 (after 3 years), or the guy I wanted to spend my life with at age 25 (after 4 years), or....... I'm only 32 now, but those relationships seem like another lifetime ago.
It sounds like you're sure this is the woman for you and, if you believe that, I don't doubt that you're right. But, if so, it seems like there shouldn't be any need for urgency. Keep enjoying the life you currently enjoy together.
when it stops scaring you, the time is right for you.
granted, this is just my opinion. i didn't get married until i was 31, and that was only 9 months ago. i'm not saying that she's wrong for you at all, but i am saying that (at least for me) it has to feel right in every way.
my wife & i could have gotten married sooner, but we had no doubt that we were going to end up with eachother, just like how you feel for your girlfriend.
take this time to talk things through & figure out what you want. not just for the ceremony itself, but for your relationship. you'll be glad that you did.
hope this helps & good luck, man!!!
marrying my wife was the best thing that i've ever done.
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
I just read this and realized how it's the total opposite of my last sentence in my reply..guess that's what is so great about a forum like this..though I am always right
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
I love this group of people and I value all your opinions because I know this place is filled with some good hearted and good minded souls.
I shouldn't have said it the way I did...I'm not scared because I don't feel comfortable...I guess I'm scared about being judged...which is something I've never been worried about except for this issue.
And I agree...there really is no rush, but like decides2dream said...why wait to flourish in something that you want? I guess there really is no right/wrong answer...just how I feel.
I have a tendency to put too much on my plate at once :? But someone mentioned children?!? Rest-assured, that will not be happening soon. Not only am I not prepared or ready to devote my time to that because I still have a lot of growing of my own to do, I don't want to risk divorce being in someone else's life. My dad left my mom when I was 11 and after that I swore to myself that whenever I get married...I'm doing my damndest to make sure it happens only once. No one should have to go through what kids go through in a divorce, or the husband and wife for that matter...
Seriously though, like I said...I value everyone's opinions, and I take it all to heart. With a subject like this, the best thing I can get is some good, from the heart advice.
Whenever it happens though, you guys can count on me posting a celebration thread!!!
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
Aw, thanks :oops:
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
Well, based on this, I stand very strong on my reply. You are, without a doubt not ready..just chill, live, experience and only then perhaps you'll know the true answer to the question....Though I would only hope it's not answered via the message pit..lol..for your sake and hers..
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
mind you, it was illegal for gay couples to get married until then.
So you know... I say if you know it's right.. go for it.
I think you're too young. But I'm not you.
Or do. It's your life
Are you religious or very traditional?
If not....why bother?
I stated this last week to a mother of a bride-to-be...she rolled her eyes at me and said something about 'it's getting up in front of everyone you know and making a commitment to each other'.
I didn't get into it with her...
but...
what's the fucking point of that? it all seems stale and self-congratulatory....ritual and ceremony for people who like fairy tales....
yes, I'm divorced
Belated congratulations
You're talkin about a wedding not a marriage. You don't have to go through all the hoopla. You can elope or just go the the courthouse.
If you're committed to someone and you're gonna be for life, and both parties are mature enough to handle it, you'd be a fool to not get married. You get all kinds of breaks just for being married. None worth living a miserable life though, of course, but there are perks to marriage as opposed to just committing to each other.
my little sister already had 3 children. she had an implanted birth control device and got pregnant. we all wondered why she keeps having kids by her husband she splits up with every few months....my dad said the doctor was very surprised she got prego. the birth control device failed twice. she now has 5 kids and is trying to get a divorce. i think she could not take the Pill. even that is not 100 percent effective.
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
Good luck
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
Marriage is great. It is different for every person. Some people are too young to get married at 30, so age is relative. It all depends on the individual. The average age for marriage in the U.S. is increasing. I believe it is approximately 28 for men and 26 for women. The increase is due to the extended period of adulthood for American individuals. It takes longer to go to school and become financially independent than it used to be, which explains the increase in age. What I am trying to say after this rambling is that 21 may seem young to some people, but when you know, YOU KNOW. If she feels the same way, go for it.
Nashville-03
Chicago-07
E.V. Milwaukee-08
Chicago 1 & 2-09
Alpine Valley 1 & 2-11
Wrigley-13
St. Paul-14
Milwaukee-14
Denver-22
St. Paul 1 & 2 - 23
imo, stats don't make much difference, personally, b/c every one is different, and for every successful marriage there is a failure, and vice versa....and i see that across agre ranges.
i married at 23....still married 17 years later
oldest sister married at 23.....had one child....divorced 8 years later.....remarried at 33 (her 2nd husnad's first marriage at 35)....2 kids......divorced 10 years later......nowadays lives with a BF and her 2 youngest kids
middle sister lived with many BFs......married for the first time at 39....married now close to 6 years, seems pretty solid
hubby's sister married at 22, 2 kids....now 2 grandkids....still married over 25 years later
his older brother never married, lived with a woman from say age 30-52....and split.
i DO find it interesting that amongst our friends, most were married 'young'....say 22-26.......and outside of one couple who divorced almost immediately, all the marriages are intact. of course, broadening the circle to more casual friendships, aquaintances and the like, obviously know lots of people who married young and divorced...but also know plenty who married later and divorced. so i personally don't think age, alone, is a deciding factor on marital success. i think maturity, love and commitment, good communication skills and the true desire to spend the rest of your life with this person and do what it takes to stick it out...you know, in sickness and in health...in good times and in bad.....yea....that's it. and that CAN happen, at any age.
just sayin'.....
and in all my ramblings......another post was made above ^^^ in the interim.....good points!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Nashville-03
Chicago-07
E.V. Milwaukee-08
Chicago 1 & 2-09
Alpine Valley 1 & 2-11
Wrigley-13
St. Paul-14
Milwaukee-14
Denver-22
St. Paul 1 & 2 - 23
interesting...
i already knew the stat about the living together having a higher incidence of divorce, but not the age correlation. i guess thinking about it it shouldn't be too surprising....being younger more apt to make rash decisions, just about anything - let alone marriage.....and being young IS a time of flux. i think in time tho, that may change. as you mention, the first-time marital age IS rising, for both genders....for all the reasons you state. there is probably more pressure placed on those married young rather than older nowadays, and that is a big societal shift. with the pressure of 'having' to marry young now gone, and really quite the opposite...i would hope those stats would then change since those who may choose a young marriage will do so b/c they truly want it and the commitment...tho i guess those changing pressures will always be there. i actually found the early 30s a bit more difficult on our marriage than our 20s.....and we actually did all the big changes, finishing grad school, buying a home, etc...in our 20s. eh well....one can still always make rash decisions :P ...and sure, while maturity is NOT necessarily correlated with age, in general, one does usually become more mature with age...or you'd hope anyway.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
A shit ton of free gifts of basic necessities for your home, an iron clad excuse to get vacation time for a honeymoon, and lower taxes?
The ‘perks’ you speak of are dependant upon where you live…I’m pretty sure that around here, once you’re common-law, all marriage tax breaks etc can be applied….and if not, they should be…then the last vestiges of a dying institution can fade into the sunset with the sentiment it implies. Short of religion or adherence to tradition as reasons for marriage, the best reason you could come up with in response to my post was ‘but you get tax breaks’….? Not what it’s supposed to be about….the things that it IS supposed to be about have nothing to do with ‘marriage’ per se…
People always think I’m being cynical about this, but I don’t see it as cynical to call marriage a piece of paper…because it is. Committing in front of your friends, signing your life away…none of it means anything without follow-thru…in fact, it makes it more of a socially damaging hassle if things don’t work out or one party changes their mind…so to me, it’s pointless. Doesn’t make me any less commitment-worthy (commitable?