Thinking of Getting Out

Cocaine_Nosejob

So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?

Heineken Helen

well only you can answer your last question. Right now, I'm in a bit of a funk... and I could probably write a post even longer than yours... but I know it's just a funk. There've been times though when I've KNOWN it was time to get out How long have you been feeling like this? It's a shit feeling to fall into line you feel like you're giving up on yourself! :(

Heineken Helen

One thing though, I KNOW it's tough... but if you're feeling it's time to get out, at least TALK to him about all this stuff. Have you REALLY told him about the support you need in what you want to do? Or have you just dropped hints or said nothing at all? Talking this stuff out really CAN help

Black Diamond

What did you love about him to get engaged in the first place?
What do you love about him now?
Do you see yourself spending the rest of you life with him?

Black Diamond

Heineken Helen wrote:

One thing though, I KNOW it's tough... but if you're feeling it's time to get out, at least TALK to him about all this stuff. Have you REALLY told him about the support you need in what you want to do? Or have you just dropped hints or said nothing at all? Talking this stuff out really CAN help

Totally agree!

Heineken Helen

Black Diamond wrote:

Totally agree!

well I kinda had something like that tonight... I was thinking lotsa negative stuff and didn't wanna talk about it cos I knew it would go away... but he pushed the issue and I felt soooo much better after saying what I needed to say. He just didn't know I'd let something build into an issue.

Cocaine_Nosejob

Heineken Helen wrote:

One thing though, I KNOW it's tough... but if you're feeling it's time to get out, at least TALK to him about all this stuff. Have you REALLY told him about the support you need in what you want to do? Or have you just dropped hints or said nothing at all? Talking this stuff out really CAN help

I have, many times. It's always perfect for a short while after, but then it goes right back to the same problems.
He's always done that, he says whatever he needs to in order to make things good, but things are safe he goes back to how he was...or whatever's easier.
He doesn't understand that I'm looking for the easy way out, I'm looking for an honest answer. I'm not the type of person who wants someone to tell me what I want to hear, I want to hear the truth.

Edit: NOT looking for the easy way out lol

Cocaine_Nosejob

Black Diamond wrote:

What did you love about him to get engaged in the first place?
What do you love about him now?
Do you see yourself spending the rest of you life with him?

I love all the same things about him now that I did then, it's just that now the bad things are getting worse.
I thought I saw myself with him for life. I think that's the problem, I can see myself with the him from 2 years ago, but not the him today.

Heineken Helen

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

I have, many times. It's always perfect for a short while after, but then it goes right back to the same problems.
He's always done that, he says whatever he needs to in order to make things good, but things are safe he goes back to how he was...or whatever's easier.
He doesn't understand that I'm looking for the easy way out, I'm looking for an honest answer. I'm not the type of person who wants someone to tell me what I want to hear, I want to hear the truth.

Oh ok :( but I don't think anyone HERE is going to tell you that you want out! I know I think it's what you want to hear but that would be irresponsible of any of us who have never met you. If it's what YOU really want then you're gonna have to take those steps and we'll be here for ya as much as we can :( but answer BD's questions first What do ya wanna do if you leave? Where do ya wanna go?

mickeyrat

from here it doesn't sound good. the tell you what you want to hear then same old same old. that is something that , more than likely, will not change.But , hey wtf do i know I'm a thickheaded, ignorant to my wifes needs male!






Is the Big Day coming soon?

Cocaine_Nosejob

I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do. I just know that there are a lot of married people here that might have gone through the same thing and might have insight.

Heineken Helen

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do. I just know that there are a lot of married people here that might have gone through the same thing and might have insight.

that's ok. I've gone through a lot of the changes you have recently also and it can be very very stressful. Even though I KNOW I made the right choice I find myself crying for no reason, taking it out on other people, getting frustrated and even blaming HIM for stuff that I know is irrational . It's not me at all and I hate being like this... but there are more big changes coming up and it's them stressing me out more than anything. After stuff like this we need more attention than usual and men just find that hard to take in

EvilMerlin

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?

I'm in, well....pretty much the same position as you are right now.

I made a post recently about going back to school. I've just been going about things in a different order than you. I've gotten myself away from a girl everyone has been trying to talk me into marrying. We still have a great friendship, and she understands where I'm at in life(which helps tremendously, so she quit pressuring me finally, and we just kind of drifted relationship wise) and everyone kept telling me, "Well if you're just going to hang around, why not marry her already. It's not going to hurt anything. You've got benefits, she could get insurance finally, she could have those kids she's always wanted, blah blah blah, etc etc etc." And I was sick of hearing, "Well once the child is born, you'll totally change your mind and realize that you were 100% wrong and did want those kids. The struggles are worth it."

Basically I was just sick and tired of anyone telling me what they wanted me to do, and questioning anything I wanted in my life, as I'm also thinking about quitting my career, it's just not right for me, has taken me away from those I'm close to, and I'm over-worked. I couldn't care any less about the money and how 'I'm set for life.'

Sometimes we just need to jump into the deep end and learn to swim all over again. I'm realizing that is some of the best blind advice I've gotten from here. Gave up the friends I had that were shitty, spent many lonely nights, but it made me better. Broke off a relationship that wasn't going in the direction I felt I needed to be going in with it, broke it off, hard again, but I'm stronger.

The way I see it, many of us know some of the things we want in life, not all of them yet, but enough to keep us going. So instead of always dreaming about what we want for ourselves, or trying to settle to be happy and just get used to how things are...why not go and stride for what we want while we still can? We're only hurting ourselves if we don't.

If we try and fail? Well, we won't be in any worse of a position that we're in now. We just see where we went wrong, make changes that we're happy with, that are feasible, and move on from there and then get going.

GraySaturday

Just like I told me friend the other day. DO NOT marry anyone that has faults that you cannot live with. You can't change people, and if you cannot live with somethings... it's probably not going to change.

Sure, some things change because a person realizes they don't like it in themselves.. but they have to change it.


Also, seriously.. very seriously.. give thought to the children situation. Its so so SO important to marry someone who is on the same page as you with MAJOR issues like this one. If he thinks he is going to change you, and you are dead set on not having kids, then one of two things is going to happen. You'll either A. have them, and totally resent him.. or B. not have them and he'll totally resent you. Simple as that. If one partner feels pushed into something they wouldn't have normally done.. there is going to be issue. Its like that with Money, Kids, Location of where you live.. etc.. Major issues are just something that life partners have to be able to see eye to eye on.

Black Diamond

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do. I just know that there are a lot of married people here that might have gone through the same thing and might have insight.

Married twice.

In both cases I asked myself right before the wedding was I doing the right thing.

First case, lasted 6 months (But I got to see PEI). Horror.

Second case, we are having our 10th anniversary in January and we have 3 kids. Love her more than anything and can't believe how lucky I am.

Some of it has to do with my age and maturity level. Some of it was what I was trying to get out of it. I truly believe that to be happy in a marriage you have to be secure with yourself (and love yourself) and have to always think of the other person first (A successful marriage is when both people think of the other first).

mickeyrat

Black Diamond wrote:

Married twice.

In both cases I asked myself right before the wedding was I doing the right thing.

First case, lasted 6 months (But I got to see PEI). Horror.

Second case, we are having our 10th anniversary in January and we have 3 kids. Love her more than anything and can't believe how lucky I am.

Some of it has to do with my age and maturity level. Some of it was what I was trying to get out of it. I truly believe that to be happy in a marriage you have to be secure with yourself (and love yourself) and have to always think of the other person first (A successful marriage is when both people think of the other first).

I know it was meant for OP but THANKS! 1st for me and we're 9 months married this past sunday.

Cocaine_Nosejob

mickeyrat wrote:

from here it doesn't sound good. the tell you what you want to hear then same old same old. that is something that , more than likely, will not change.But , hey wtf do i know I'm a thickheaded, ignorant to my wifes needs male!






Is the Big Day coming soon?

Not really...April.
I don't think you were being ignorant to her needs. You offered a solution and she didn't take it...her preogative. I know it gets frustrating saying the same thing over and over...I HATE doing that...but if that's what she needs then that's okay. I'm sure she'd do the same for you!

Cocaine_Nosejob

EvilMerlin wrote:

Basically I was just sick and tired of anyone telling me what they wanted me to do, and questioning anything I wanted in my life, as I'm also thinking about quitting my career, it's just not right for me, has taken me away from those I'm close to, and I'm over-worked. I couldn't care any less about the money and how 'I'm set for life.'

EXACTLY! I've done things and changed my life around for other people for so long, I just can't let it happen anymore. Not if I plan on ever actually having a life lol.

EvilMerlin wrote:

If we try and fail? Well, we won't be in any worse of a position that we're in now. We just see where we went wrong, make changes that we're happy with, that are feasible, and move on from there and then get going.

That's totally me...I have the "If you reach for the moon and don't make it, you'll still land among the stars" complex.

mickeyrat

well you have some time to figure it out. Is it miserable now?Just don't make any hasty decisions.weigh the good and the bad and if the good is good then go for it.

EvilMerlin

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

EXACTLY! I've done things and changed my life around for other people for so long, I just can't let it happen anymore. Not if I plan on ever actually having a life lol.

That's totally me...I have the "If you reach for the moon and don't make it, you'll still land among the stars" complex.

And you should plan on having a life! Especially being in our mid twenties. Where we've still got energy, but we're starting to come across money to do things too, the best time to have a life!

Sometimes it feels good to know someone else is out there and you're not either completely alone, or totally insane.

Cocaine_Nosejob

GraySaturday wrote:

Also, seriously.. very seriously.. give thought to the children situation. Its so so SO important to marry someone who is on the same page as you with MAJOR issues like this one. If he thinks he is going to change you, and you are dead set on not having kids, then one of two things is going to happen. You'll either A. have them, and totally resent him.. or B. not have them and he'll totally resent you. Simple as that. If one partner feels pushed into something they wouldn't have normally done.. there is going to be issue. Its like that with Money, Kids, Location of where you live.. etc.. Major issues are just something that life partners have to be able to see eye to eye on.

That's part of what started this. He said that if it were up to him, he could go either way on the kids thing. Apparently he only wants kids because his mom is dead-set on us having them because she's not allowed to see her other grandchildren. Apparently her husband *Sean's step-dad* hit Sean's 4 year old niece.
Good luck with that, even if I did have kids there's no way they'd be getting anywhere near it.