Thinking of Getting Out
Cocaine_Nosejob
Posts: 1,744
So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?
"The customer...is always...an ASSHOLE"
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
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Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
What do you love about him now?
Do you see yourself spending the rest of you life with him?
Totally agree!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I have, many times. It's always perfect for a short while after, but then it goes right back to the same problems.
He's always done that, he says whatever he needs to in order to make things good, but things are safe he goes back to how he was...or whatever's easier.
He doesn't understand that I'm looking for the easy way out, I'm looking for an honest answer. I'm not the type of person who wants someone to tell me what I want to hear, I want to hear the truth.
Edit: NOT looking for the easy way out lol
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
I love all the same things about him now that I did then, it's just that now the bad things are getting worse.
I thought I saw myself with him for life. I think that's the problem, I can see myself with the him from 2 years ago, but not the him today.
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Is the Big Day coming soon?
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I'm in, well....pretty much the same position as you are right now.
I made a post recently about going back to school. I've just been going about things in a different order than you. I've gotten myself away from a girl everyone has been trying to talk me into marrying. We still have a great friendship, and she understands where I'm at in life(which helps tremendously, so she quit pressuring me finally, and we just kind of drifted relationship wise) and everyone kept telling me, "Well if you're just going to hang around, why not marry her already. It's not going to hurt anything. You've got benefits, she could get insurance finally, she could have those kids she's always wanted, blah blah blah, etc etc etc." And I was sick of hearing, "Well once the child is born, you'll totally change your mind and realize that you were 100% wrong and did want those kids. The struggles are worth it."
Basically I was just sick and tired of anyone telling me what they wanted me to do, and questioning anything I wanted in my life, as I'm also thinking about quitting my career, it's just not right for me, has taken me away from those I'm close to, and I'm over-worked. I couldn't care any less about the money and how 'I'm set for life.'
Sometimes we just need to jump into the deep end and learn to swim all over again. I'm realizing that is some of the best blind advice I've gotten from here. Gave up the friends I had that were shitty, spent many lonely nights, but it made me better. Broke off a relationship that wasn't going in the direction I felt I needed to be going in with it, broke it off, hard again, but I'm stronger.
The way I see it, many of us know some of the things we want in life, not all of them yet, but enough to keep us going. So instead of always dreaming about what we want for ourselves, or trying to settle to be happy and just get used to how things are...why not go and stride for what we want while we still can? We're only hurting ourselves if we don't.
If we try and fail? Well, we won't be in any worse of a position that we're in now. We just see where we went wrong, make changes that we're happy with, that are feasible, and move on from there and then get going.
Sure, some things change because a person realizes they don't like it in themselves.. but they have to change it.
Also, seriously.. very seriously.. give thought to the children situation. Its so so SO important to marry someone who is on the same page as you with MAJOR issues like this one. If he thinks he is going to change you, and you are dead set on not having kids, then one of two things is going to happen. You'll either A. have them, and totally resent him.. or B. not have them and he'll totally resent you. Simple as that. If one partner feels pushed into something they wouldn't have normally done.. there is going to be issue. Its like that with Money, Kids, Location of where you live.. etc.. Major issues are just something that life partners have to be able to see eye to eye on.
In both cases I asked myself right before the wedding was I doing the right thing.
First case, lasted 6 months (But I got to see PEI). Horror.
Second case, we are having our 10th anniversary in January and we have 3 kids. Love her more than anything and can't believe how lucky I am.
Some of it has to do with my age and maturity level. Some of it was what I was trying to get out of it. I truly believe that to be happy in a marriage you have to be secure with yourself (and love yourself) and have to always think of the other person first (A successful marriage is when both people think of the other first).
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Not really...April.
I don't think you were being ignorant to her needs. You offered a solution and she didn't take it...her preogative. I know it gets frustrating saying the same thing over and over...I HATE doing that...but if that's what she needs then that's okay. I'm sure she'd do the same for you!
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
EXACTLY! I've done things and changed my life around for other people for so long, I just can't let it happen anymore. Not if I plan on ever actually having a life lol.
That's totally me...I have the "If you reach for the moon and don't make it, you'll still land among the stars" complex.
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
And you should plan on having a life! Especially being in our mid twenties. Where we've still got energy, but we're starting to come across money to do things too, the best time to have a life!
Sometimes it feels good to know someone else is out there and you're not either completely alone, or totally insane.
That's part of what started this. He said that if it were up to him, he could go either way on the kids thing. Apparently he only wants kids because his mom is dead-set on us having them because she's not allowed to see her other grandchildren. Apparently her husband *Sean's step-dad* hit Sean's 4 year old niece.
Good luck with that, even if I did have kids there's no way they'd be getting anywhere near it.
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
if you're 100% sure you don't ever want kids, tell him you're going in to get your tubes tied so you can be sure it'll never happen. see what kind of response you get.
~D.K.S.
Haha...so true. I mentioned these probs to my best friend and she was like 'are you crazy? I'd do anything to be getting married. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate sleeping alone."
Seriously, I get where she was going, but I'm not looking for someone to share a bed with, there' more to it than that.
And that seems to be the general consensus with people my age. "At least you're not alone.", but I think that you can have a thousand people in your life but essentially be alone. I'm not willing to settle for that.
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Spent the better part of my life drunk or high and alone, But still beyond that I was waiting for the one who accepted me for me. Not for my wallet(wasn't much left anyway) but the important stuff, like the opposite of how i treated her tonight.Very blunt and to the point, really I wasn't fair to her at all.
I waited til I got sober and found me to offer and was 39 when we did the do.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
I'll agree with you on the consensus of people our age. I'm 25 as well, and I had 4 buddies I all hung out with and kind of got left out of the crowd because I wasn't getting married. I just ultimately ended up not talking to them anymore because I was tired of the shun.
I had a buddy tell me, "Why haven't you married Bri yet dude? And why does she never come out with us?(another problem I had with her...she wouldn't go out unless it was me and her alone.)"
And I told him my reasons, and his response was, "We're not getting any younger dude, you need to quit being stupid."
I seriously had no idea how to respond to that. It's just how it's seen through their eyes I guess and I'm not gonna change that, but wow, I was just shocked.
And where I'm at in my life, right now, I can be in a crowd of 100 people, be the center of attention and on the inside I still feel lonely, disconnected and alone. So I know I'm not where I want to be yet. That's just who I am, and I'm done settling for feeling like that.
Many people in their twenties suck.
That's probably why I got along with older people so much better...but now they're at the point of getting married, so I'm losing them as well. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't at this stage. But it's all about to change.
God I hope so, lol.
You seem to be pretty level-headed...I`m sure it`ll work out
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Level headed in the clouds apparently.
Good luck to you, as you seem the same way. You're too smart to not figure this out for yourself.
And don't cheat yourself either.
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
I've said it a few times on here - being alone is better than wishing you were. I feel a tinge of sadness for your friends who leave you with comments like "I'd give anything to be married".
I got married at your age. It was "time", it was expected of me as a "normal" member of society. I had graduated college, had a "real" job, I was next in line. Don't get me wrong, I didn't jump at the first guy but I look back and I got married because...well...it was "time". Kids were part of the issue. I truly thought I wanted them and when it was "time", I flipped...realizing I had no desire for it...none. It was tough to admit that as society says "well, you'll change your mind once you have them" and lots of people view you as "abnormal" for not wanting children. Kids are great....just not for me. And I'm completely normal for saying that. Just took some soul searching alone to come to terms with it.
Needless to say, I'm no longer married. We failed at our marriage by jumping into it without knowing ourselves or each other, failed by not working on it. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have got married then. I had no idea who I was, neither did he. I'm quite happy single, enjoy my life how I want to live it. If I find someone to share that with, great. If not, I'm definitely ok with that.
No one here, including myself, will tell you what to do. Only you have that answer. If you don't like who you see in the mirror everyday (not what you see but WHO), come to terms with what you can and will change now and do it. If you don't, you won't like her any better married.
I have eaten so much gold I crapped excellence - drtyfrnk29
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you