Thinking of Getting Out

BetterThanYou

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

That's part of what started this. He said that if it were up to him, he could go either way on the kids thing. Apparently he only wants kids because his mom is dead-set on us having them because she's not allowed to see her other grandchildren. Apparently her husband *Sean's step-dad* hit Sean's 4 year old niece.
Good luck with that, even if I did have kids there's no way they'd be getting anywhere near it.

if you're 100% sure you don't ever want kids, tell him you're going in to get your tubes tied so you can be sure it'll never happen. see what kind of response you get.

Cocaine_Nosejob

EvilMerlin wrote:

And you should plan on having a life! Especially being in our mid twenties. Where we've still got energy, but we're starting to come across money to do things too, the best time to have a life!

Sometimes it feels good to know someone else is out there and you're not either completely alone, or totally insane.

Haha...so true. I mentioned these probs to my best friend and she was like 'are you crazy? I'd do anything to be getting married. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate sleeping alone."
Seriously, I get where she was going, but I'm not looking for someone to share a bed with, there' more to it than that.
And that seems to be the general consensus with people my age. "At least you're not alone.", but I think that you can have a thousand people in your life but essentially be alone. I'm not willing to settle for that.

mickeyrat

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

Haha...so true. I mentioned these probs to my best friend and she was like 'are you crazy? I'd do anything to be getting married. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate sleeping alone."
Seriously, I get where she was going, but I'm not looking for someone to share a bed with, there' more to it than that.
And that seems to be the general consensus with people my age. "At least you're not alone.", but I think that you can have a thousand people in your life but essentially be alone. I'm not willing to settle for that.

Good for you.

Spent the better part of my life drunk or high and alone, But still beyond that I was waiting for the one who accepted me for me. Not for my wallet(wasn't much left anyway) but the important stuff, like the opposite of how i treated her tonight.Very blunt and to the point, really I wasn't fair to her at all.
I waited til I got sober and found me to offer and was 39 when we did the do.

EvilMerlin

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

Haha...so true. I mentioned these probs to my best friend and she was like 'are you crazy? I'd do anything to be getting married. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate sleeping alone."
Seriously, I get where she was going, but I'm not looking for someone to share a bed with, there' more to it than that.
And that seems to be the general consensus with people my age. "At least you're not alone.", but I think that you can have a thousand people in your life but essentially be alone. I'm not willing to settle for that.

I'll agree with you on the consensus of people our age. I'm 25 as well, and I had 4 buddies I all hung out with and kind of got left out of the crowd because I wasn't getting married. I just ultimately ended up not talking to them anymore because I was tired of the shun.

I had a buddy tell me, "Why haven't you married Bri yet dude? And why does she never come out with us?(another problem I had with her...she wouldn't go out unless it was me and her alone.)"

And I told him my reasons, and his response was, "We're not getting any younger dude, you need to quit being stupid."

I seriously had no idea how to respond to that. It's just how it's seen through their eyes I guess and I'm not gonna change that, but wow, I was just shocked.

And where I'm at in my life, right now, I can be in a crowd of 100 people, be the center of attention and on the inside I still feel lonely, disconnected and alone. So I know I'm not where I want to be yet. That's just who I am, and I'm done settling for feeling like that.

Many people in their twenties suck.

That's probably why I got along with older people so much better...but now they're at the point of getting married, so I'm losing them as well. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't at this stage. But it's all about to change.

CHANGEinWAVES

It sounds like you and him need to have a long talk. MY thoughts on this are that if there is any doubt then you shouldn't do it. Honestly too if he wants kids and you know you never want them then let him go so that he can find a woman who wants to have a family. I didn't mean that to sound harsh, sorry if it came across that way its just that having kids and not having them is such a big deal that it will only cause problems and unhappiness for you or him in time...and you both deserve happiness.

Cocaine_Nosejob

EvilMerlin wrote:

We're damned if we do, damned if we don't at this stage. But it's all about to change.

God I hope so, lol.
You seem to be pretty level-headed...I`m sure it`ll work out

EvilMerlin

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

God I hope so, lol.
You seem to be pretty level-headed...I`m sure it`ll work out

Level headed in the clouds apparently.

Good luck to you, as you seem the same way. You're too smart to not figure this out for yourself.

And don't cheat yourself either.

Cocaine_Nosejob

Black Diamond wrote:

Second case, we are having our 10th anniversary in January and we have 3 kids. Love her more than anything and can't believe how lucky I am.quote]

Wow! Super congrats on that! That`s amazing. You don`t hear enough stories like that these days.

Whizbang

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

Haha...so true. I mentioned these probs to my best friend and she was like 'are you crazy? I'd do anything to be getting married. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate sleeping alone."
Seriously, I get where she was going, but I'm not looking for someone to share a bed with, there' more to it than that.
And that seems to be the general consensus with people my age. "At least you're not alone.", but I think that you can have a thousand people in your life but essentially be alone. I'm not willing to settle for that.

I've said it a few times on here - being alone is better than wishing you were. I feel a tinge of sadness for your friends who leave you with comments like "I'd give anything to be married".

I got married at your age. It was "time", it was expected of me as a "normal" member of society. I had graduated college, had a "real" job, I was next in line. Don't get me wrong, I didn't jump at the first guy but I look back and I got married because...well...it was "time". Kids were part of the issue. I truly thought I wanted them and when it was "time", I flipped...realizing I had no desire for it...none. It was tough to admit that as society says "well, you'll change your mind once you have them" and lots of people view you as "abnormal" for not wanting children. Kids are great....just not for me. And I'm completely normal for saying that. Just took some soul searching alone to come to terms with it.

Needless to say, I'm no longer married. We failed at our marriage by jumping into it without knowing ourselves or each other, failed by not working on it. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have got married then. I had no idea who I was, neither did he. I'm quite happy single, enjoy my life how I want to live it. If I find someone to share that with, great. If not, I'm definitely ok with that.

No one here, including myself, will tell you what to do. Only you have that answer. If you don't like who you see in the mirror everyday (not what you see but WHO), come to terms with what you can and will change now and do it. If you don't, you won't like her any better married.

Heineken Helen

right enough of this pressure on 25 year olds to get married :eek: I'm 28 and only met my boyfriend last year. Nobody can say whether or not this is gonna last forever, who knows... but if it doesn't, I'm not gonna let ANYONE think I'm weird or abnormal for not being married... marriage isn't on the immediate agenda anyway.

harmless_little_f***

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do. I just know that there are a lot of married people here that might have gone through the same thing and might have insight.

I'm coming to the end of a divorce. I won't bore you with the story but I'm 26, married for four years and it sounds like you've come to a realisation very early on which I wish my ex wife had 4 years before she did. I in no way want to tell you what to do either, but your story seems to mirror hers.

When she finally said we just don't want the same things, she said that she once thought she did, and she hadn't for a long time (at least 2 years) but the secret had festered and got bigger until she was too worried about telling me how she felt, for fear of breaking my heart.

I obviously wish she'd told me a lot of her feelings about certain issues before I'd married her.

Black Diamond

Heineken Helen wrote:

right enough of this pressure on 25 year olds to get married :eek: I'm 28 and only met my boyfriend last year. Nobody can say whether or not this is gonna last forever, who knows... but if it doesn't, I'm not gonna let ANYONE think I'm weird or abnormal for not being married... marriage isn't on the immediate agenda anyway.

An age has nothing to do with it. It's who you find.

mnicole22

My advice is to take time alone...at least 3 or 4 weeks to travel and just think...no internet no tv, no music, just yourself and a journal. When (and if) you come back, you will know.

Good luck!

Corso

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?

Cocaine_Nosejob

You people are awesome...thanks for everything.
You've definitely helped me to look at things from perspectives that I may not have

CHANGEinWAVES

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

I'm coming to the end of a divorce. I won't bore you with the story but I'm 26, married for four years and it sounds like you've come to a realisation very early on which I wish my ex wife had 4 years before she did. I in no way want to tell you what to do either, but your story seems to mirror hers.

When she finally said we just don't want the same things, she said that she once thought she did, and she hadn't for a long time (at least 2 years) but the secret had festered and got bigger until she was too worried about telling me how she felt, for fear of breaking my heart.

I obviously wish she'd told me a lot of her feelings about certain issues before I'd married her.

wow this sounds like what my husband did.....He let it go for so long for fear of hurting me when in all actuality he did it so he didn't HAVE to hurt me, It was more about him then me (he admits that now). Honestly it would of hurt all the same then or now....but at least then (4 yrs ago for me) I would of had a lot more time to recover and move on. Either way I'm where I am now and there's no changing that.

Just really think about what YOU want out of life and make a decision based on that... ourselves are the ONLY ones we are with for our full lives why not make ourselves happy first! (damn why can't i take my own advise;))

_

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?

I'll give you a brutally honest, objective opinion: It sounds to me like a disaster waiting to happen.

You're so young, and the rest of your life will be so long (probably twice as long as you've already lived). You have to ask yourself whether the situation you have now is the one you'll want to be in from now until you die.

I think one of the very most important things in a relationship is the ability to work things out. If he tells you what you want to hear but ends up doing the same old thing, you'll never get anywhere. You can't work things out that way.

Also, the kids issue is huge. This is something you have to agree on.

Additionally, you need someone who will be supportive of you. It sounds like he's not. You'll likely face much greater hardship, controversy, and decisions in the future and you'll need to be a strong team. This requires having a partner who's on your side, who's understanding, who you can count on to be there for you no matter what.

Of course, I don't know you and I don't know any more about your situation than the few things you've posted here. (And, I'll admit, I have a tendency to be somewhat cynical about these things.) You have to do what you feel is right. But certainly don't let the momentum of planning a wedding push you into a marriage unless you're sure that's what you want.

Good luck.

harmless_little_f***

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

wow this sounds like what my husband did.....He let it go for so long for fear of hurting me when in all actuality he did it so he didn't HAVE to hurt me, It was more about him then me (he admits that now). Honestly it would of hurt all the same then or now....but at least then (4 yrs ago for me) I would of had a lot more time to recover and move on. Either way I'm where I am now and there's no changing that.

Just really think about what YOU want out of life and make a decision based on that... ourselves are the ONLY ones we are with for our full lives why not make ourselves happy first! (damn why can't i take my own advise;))

Hey, yep, you're right.. it pains me to say 'think of yourself' in a way because it's the philosophy my ex went by that made her leave me. But I'm in a happier place now than I have been for years, and it is because I've sat back and thought about what I want to do with my life without pressure from anyone else.

Our stories do seem similar. I'm not on the interwebs a great deal these days but if I can be there for you at all, I'm around every now and then

polaris

drive your own bus ... the best relationships are the ones where two people drive their own cars but are taking the same road ...

at 25 - i'm guessing if you don't pull the plug soon you will at some point ...

aspoonfulweighsaton

Cocaine_Nosejob wrote:

I think that's the problem, I can see myself with the him from 2 years ago, but not the him today.

I think you pretty much summed it up here. If you honestly mean that then there is NO WAY you should be getting married.