I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do. I just know that there are a lot of married people here that might have gone through the same thing and might have insight.
I'm coming to the end of a divorce. I won't bore you with the story but I'm 26, married for four years and it sounds like you've come to a realisation very early on which I wish my ex wife had 4 years before she did. I in no way want to tell you what to do either, but your story seems to mirror hers.
When she finally said we just don't want the same things, she said that she once thought she did, and she hadn't for a long time (at least 2 years) but the secret had festered and got bigger until she was too worried about telling me how she felt, for fear of breaking my heart.
I obviously wish she'd told me a lot of her feelings about certain issues before I'd married her.
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
right enough of this pressure on 25 year olds to get married :eek: I'm 28 and only met my boyfriend last year. Nobody can say whether or not this is gonna last forever, who knows... but if it doesn't, I'm not gonna let ANYONE think I'm weird or abnormal for not being married... marriage isn't on the immediate agenda anyway.
An age has nothing to do with it. It's who you find.
My advice is to take time alone...at least 3 or 4 weeks to travel and just think...no internet no tv, no music, just yourself and a journal. When (and if) you come back, you will know.
Good luck!
AKA Cinnamon Girl :(
05-10-06
08-05-07
06-14-08
08-12-08 (EV)
0
Corso
so poor I can't afford to comment on the PJ forum Posts: 201
So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?
I'm coming to the end of a divorce. I won't bore you with the story but I'm 26, married for four years and it sounds like you've come to a realisation very early on which I wish my ex wife had 4 years before she did. I in no way want to tell you what to do either, but your story seems to mirror hers.
When she finally said we just don't want the same things, she said that she once thought she did, and she hadn't for a long time (at least 2 years) but the secret had festered and got bigger until she was too worried about telling me how she felt, for fear of breaking my heart.
I obviously wish she'd told me a lot of her feelings about certain issues before I'd married her.
wow this sounds like what my husband did.....He let it go for so long for fear of hurting me when in all actuality he did it so he didn't HAVE to hurt me, It was more about him then me (he admits that now). Honestly it would of hurt all the same then or now....but at least then (4 yrs ago for me) I would of had a lot more time to recover and move on. Either way I'm where I am now and there's no changing that.
Just really think about what YOU want out of life and make a decision based on that... ourselves are the ONLY ones we are with for our full lives why not make ourselves happy first! (damn why can't i take my own advise;))
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?
I'll give you a brutally honest, objective opinion: It sounds to me like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're so young, and the rest of your life will be so long (probably twice as long as you've already lived). You have to ask yourself whether the situation you have now is the one you'll want to be in from now until you die.
I think one of the very most important things in a relationship is the ability to work things out. If he tells you what you want to hear but ends up doing the same old thing, you'll never get anywhere. You can't work things out that way.
Also, the kids issue is huge. This is something you have to agree on.
Additionally, you need someone who will be supportive of you. It sounds like he's not. You'll likely face much greater hardship, controversy, and decisions in the future and you'll need to be a strong team. This requires having a partner who's on your side, who's understanding, who you can count on to be there for you no matter what.
Of course, I don't know you and I don't know any more about your situation than the few things you've posted here. (And, I'll admit, I have a tendency to be somewhat cynical about these things.) You have to do what you feel is right. But certainly don't let the momentum of planning a wedding push you into a marriage unless you're sure that's what you want.
wow this sounds like what my husband did.....He let it go for so long for fear of hurting me when in all actuality he did it so he didn't HAVE to hurt me, It was more about him then me (he admits that now). Honestly it would of hurt all the same then or now....but at least then (4 yrs ago for me) I would of had a lot more time to recover and move on. Either way I'm where I am now and there's no changing that.
Just really think about what YOU want out of life and make a decision based on that... ourselves are the ONLY ones we are with for our full lives why not make ourselves happy first! (damn why can't i take my own advise;))
Hey, yep, you're right.. it pains me to say 'think of yourself' in a way because it's the philosophy my ex went by that made her leave me. But I'm in a happier place now than I have been for years, and it is because I've sat back and thought about what I want to do with my life without pressure from anyone else.
Our stories do seem similar. I'm not on the interwebs a great deal these days but if I can be there for you at all, I'm around every now and then
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
25 is waaaay to early to get married. I have always believed that no one should be ready for marriage until at LEAST 28 years. I think you need to live life, experience different things and THEN decide whether marriage is right for you. I'm 34 and I just got engaged after a life filled with different changes and experiences. Go live life and then think about settling down
I think that if you have just 1 doubt in marrying him, DON'T DO IT!!! I married at 18 (way too young), but the couple of days before I married him, I had the worst feeling in my stomach that I have ever had . . . it was like my conscious kept telling me *DON'T DO IT!!* and I ignored it. The day I got married, I cried all day long. Needless to say, we had about 2 good years together, followed by 4 years of hell before I finally said *FUCK IT!* And after we split, I felt sooo much better. That has been 18 long years ago - and since then, I met a guy, we've been together for 8 years, he proposed to me 4 years ago, & we're still not married . . . I still have that awful feeling in my stomach about marriage. I still have doubts, so that's why I'm not married today. Fortunately, he understands & he's willing to be with me with or without *the piece of paper to legalize it*. I won't make that mistake again . . .
I know I'm not Dear Abby, but I've been there, done that . . . so if you are having any doubts at all (it only takes 1) please don't do it, you will regret it in the long run. But if you truly love him & he truly loves you, he'll wait until you ARE ready
Hope that was a little help for you
-- If I had known then, what I know now . . .
8/31/98 - Raleigh
8/4/00 - Charlotte
4/16/03 - Charlotte
10/6/04 - Asheville
6/16/08 - Columbia
6/20/09 - EV Memphis
25 is waaaay to early to get married. I have always believed that no one should be ready for marriage until at LEAST 28 years. I think you need to live life, experience different things and THEN decide whether marriage is right for you. I'm 34 and I just got engaged after a life filled with different changes and experiences. Go live life and then think about settling down
Thats a bit of a generalization. I just turned 25 yesterday, and in November I will celebrate my 2nd wedding anniversary. Everyone is different. Some people do well with marrying young, some do well with marrying older.
I think the key is knowing yourself, and knowing what you want. And despite what some people may think.. you can know yourself in your early 20's. Not everyone has a light bulb that refusing to go on until they are in their 30's.
It seems like more and more people are getting married in their early twenties, and pressuring their friends to do the same. I'm 27, and I've been to about 3 or 4 weddings a year for the past 4 years, as most of my friends have gotten married and have kids now. However, don't get married just because of peer pressure, certainly not because everyone else you know is doing it. Get married when YOU'RE ready, not when other people tell you you're ready.
Oh, and I can't stress this enough...if you don't want kids and he does, you guys need to seriously consider whether you can move forward. Going into a marriage and not being in agreement about the kids issue is a big no-no. If you're 100% sure you don't want kids, and he wants them and is trying to get you to change your mind, then I personally don't think you should go through with the marriage. It'll just lead to heartache down the road.
Chicago 2000 : Chicago 2003 : Chicago 2006 : Summerfest 2006 : Lollapalooza 2007 : Chicago 2009 : Noblesville (Indy) 2010 : PJ20 (East Troy) 2011 : Wrigley Field 2013 : Milwaukee (Yield) 2014 : Wrigley Field 2016
So after a few days away and a long talk with my cat and a pack of cigarettes I decided to call it quits. That did not go over well with him, but I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I would be. It seems more like a big weight taken off my shoulders, which I'm going to take as a good sign.
It still sucks, but not as bad as things could have been I guess.
"The customer...is always...an ASSHOLE"
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
I'm glad you did what you think is the right thing. If you ever feel the need to talk me or any of your other Pit friends would be happy to let you vent
I'm glad you did what you think is the right thing. If you ever feel the need to talk me or any of your other Pit friends would be happy to let you vent
Thanks!
"The customer...is always...an ASSHOLE"
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
So after a few days away and a long talk with my cat and a pack of cigarettes I decided to call it quits. That did not go over well with him, but I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I would be. It seems more like a big weight taken off my shoulders, which I'm going to take as a good sign.
It still sucks, but not as bad as things could have been I guess.
Just because it's not easy, doesn't mean it's not right
So...here's the deal. I'm engaged and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm starting to think it's crazy to be getting married at 25.
I've recently made a lot of huge changes in my life...new city, new job, returning to school, quitting smoking, and changing my circle of friends - I've been taken advantage of by people I thought were close too many times, and I've given them too many chances, so I've left them behind and have started again.
My fiance doesn't take advantage of me at all, but I've started feeling he's having a negative impact on me. Every change I make in my life, he's asks 'why?' like it's pointless. "I hate my job, I'm getting nothing out of it. I think I'm going back to school so I can change my field." "Seriously? Wouldn't that take, like 2 years or something?' I mean come on, how about a little support here. Sorry I'm not interested in keeping a job that I hate in a city that I hate just because the money's good and the rent is cheap. I don't think that money is everything and he does.
He's fine with staying in the same place in life forever, but I need a change of scenery once in a while.
And it feels like I'm starting to fall into place again, but I want to fall into place where I want to be...not where someone else wants me to be.
There's just so much that I've noticed coming to the surface lately that's been bothering me.
Kids is another point of contention between us. I hate...REALLY hate...kids. It's just never going to happen. But he says what everyone has said my whole life....that'll change....it's different when it's your own. But no, kids is one thing I'm not willing to bend on.
Sorry to rant, but I need opinions from people that don't know us....is this cold feet like most people tell me, or something more?
well done for finding out what you want in life, and pursuing it successfully. it seems to me that you and your boyfriend have different views on life.....if you still love him stay with him, if his views on life bother you a lot than get out it, live your life to the full
Comments
I'm coming to the end of a divorce. I won't bore you with the story but I'm 26, married for four years and it sounds like you've come to a realisation very early on which I wish my ex wife had 4 years before she did. I in no way want to tell you what to do either, but your story seems to mirror hers.
When she finally said we just don't want the same things, she said that she once thought she did, and she hadn't for a long time (at least 2 years) but the secret had festered and got bigger until she was too worried about telling me how she felt, for fear of breaking my heart.
I obviously wish she'd told me a lot of her feelings about certain issues before I'd married her.
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
An age has nothing to do with it. It's who you find.
Good luck!
05-10-06
08-05-07
06-14-08
08-12-08 (EV)
You've definitely helped me to look at things from perspectives that I may not have
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Just really think about what YOU want out of life and make a decision based on that... ourselves are the ONLY ones we are with for our full lives why not make ourselves happy first!
I'll give you a brutally honest, objective opinion: It sounds to me like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're so young, and the rest of your life will be so long (probably twice as long as you've already lived). You have to ask yourself whether the situation you have now is the one you'll want to be in from now until you die.
I think one of the very most important things in a relationship is the ability to work things out. If he tells you what you want to hear but ends up doing the same old thing, you'll never get anywhere. You can't work things out that way.
Also, the kids issue is huge. This is something you have to agree on.
Additionally, you need someone who will be supportive of you. It sounds like he's not. You'll likely face much greater hardship, controversy, and decisions in the future and you'll need to be a strong team. This requires having a partner who's on your side, who's understanding, who you can count on to be there for you no matter what.
Of course, I don't know you and I don't know any more about your situation than the few things you've posted here. (And, I'll admit, I have a tendency to be somewhat cynical about these things.) You have to do what you feel is right. But certainly don't let the momentum of planning a wedding push you into a marriage unless you're sure that's what you want.
Good luck.
Hey, yep, you're right.. it pains me to say 'think of yourself' in a way because it's the philosophy my ex went by that made her leave me. But I'm in a happier place now than I have been for years, and it is because I've sat back and thought about what I want to do with my life without pressure from anyone else.
Our stories do seem similar. I'm not on the interwebs a great deal these days but if I can be there for you at all, I'm around every now and then
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
at 25 - i'm guessing if you don't pull the plug soon you will at some point ...
I think you pretty much summed it up here. If you honestly mean that then there is NO WAY you should be getting married.
9/24/96 MD. 9/28/96 Randalls. 8/28-29/98 Camden. 9/8/98 NJ. 9/18/98 MD. 9/1-2/00 Camden. 9/4/00 MD. 4/28/03 Philly. 7/5-6/03 Camden. 9/30/05 AC.
10/3/05 Philly. 5/27-28/06 Camden. 6/23/06 Pitt. 6/19-20/08 Camden. 6/24/08 MSG. 8/7/08 EV Newark, NJ. 6/11-12/09 EV Philly, PA. 10/27-28-30-31/09 Philly, PA., 5/15/10 Hartford,5/17/10 Boston, 5/18/10 Newark, 5/20-21/10 MSG
I know I'm not Dear Abby, but I've been there, done that . . . so if you are having any doubts at all (it only takes 1) please don't do it, you will regret it in the long run. But if you truly love him & he truly loves you, he'll wait until you ARE ready
Hope that was a little help for you
8/31/98 - Raleigh
8/4/00 - Charlotte
4/16/03 - Charlotte
10/6/04 - Asheville
6/16/08 - Columbia
6/20/09 - EV Memphis
Thats a bit of a generalization. I just turned 25 yesterday, and in November I will celebrate my 2nd wedding anniversary. Everyone is different. Some people do well with marrying young, some do well with marrying older.
I think the key is knowing yourself, and knowing what you want. And despite what some people may think.. you can know yourself in your early 20's. Not everyone has a light bulb that refusing to go on until they are in their 30's.
Oh, and I can't stress this enough...if you don't want kids and he does, you guys need to seriously consider whether you can move forward. Going into a marriage and not being in agreement about the kids issue is a big no-no. If you're 100% sure you don't want kids, and he wants them and is trying to get you to change your mind, then I personally don't think you should go through with the marriage. It'll just lead to heartache down the road.
It still sucks, but not as bad as things could have been I guess.
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
9/24/96 MD. 9/28/96 Randalls. 8/28-29/98 Camden. 9/8/98 NJ. 9/18/98 MD. 9/1-2/00 Camden. 9/4/00 MD. 4/28/03 Philly. 7/5-6/03 Camden. 9/30/05 AC.
10/3/05 Philly. 5/27-28/06 Camden. 6/23/06 Pitt. 6/19-20/08 Camden. 6/24/08 MSG. 8/7/08 EV Newark, NJ. 6/11-12/09 EV Philly, PA. 10/27-28-30-31/09 Philly, PA., 5/15/10 Hartford,5/17/10 Boston, 5/18/10 Newark, 5/20-21/10 MSG
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
Thanks!
"The world fascinates me."
"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you"
Good Luck in the rest of your life.
Wembley 18/06/07
If there was a reason, it was you.
O2 Arena 18/09/09
well done for finding out what you want in life, and pursuing it successfully. it seems to me that you and your boyfriend have different views on life.....if you still love him stay with him, if his views on life bother you a lot than get out it, live your life to the full