how to deal with difficult friends?

Heineken Helen

pjfan31 wrote:

In the nicest possible way, tell her to "FUCK OFF"

I've never had a friend like that cos no fucking way would I put up with her. I have known people of pretty strong personalities though who DO take a 'fuck off' well when it's needed so it may be worth a try.

audiodave

Sounds as though she is behaving like a spoiled child. I would ignore it initially, but things like that really annoy me, and it would build up until I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue anymore.

I really think honesty is the best policy. Seeing as she is your friend, and you do have to spend a lot of time with her, ignoring the problem is only likely to make it worse. If she starts trying to compete with someone, I would just slip in a comment like "it's not a competition", and if she starts going on about how she hates something, why not say something like "well I hate it when you bitch about everything". And as for going on about money and thinking she is better than everyone, I would probably say something along the lines of "not everyone measures their success in dollars" (I wouldn't say dollars, as i'm not American, but you get the idea).

If none of that works...I really don't think you have any choice but to grab her by the shoulders, shake her really hard and shout "What is wrong with you?!".

GreenTeaDisease

Heineken Helen wrote:

And it doesn't sound like jealousy either... it doesn't sound like there's much to BE jealous of. I've found that those who tend to brag whilst putting others down actually aren't happy with what they've got themselves... why else would she feel the need to keep pointing out everything she feels makes her life better than yours? Working longer hours than somebody else is nothing to brag about - quite the opposite in fact. It really just doesn't sound like she's happy so she's trying to convince herself, not you, that her life is better than everyone elses.

the thing is, she DOESN'T work more hours than anyone else. I work way more than she does. she just works DIFFERENT hours.

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

the thing is, she DOESN'T work more hours than anyone else. I work way more than she does. she just works DIFFERENT hours.

hmm... so ya coulda won that one easily then just say the next night 'how many hours do you work? Well I work 20 more so nanananana my job's better than yours, I'm more important than you, I win'

GreenTeaDisease

thanks for input everyone. it is just a really delicate situation. I guess I'm having a harder time dealing with it now because I'm back in town and so is she and we live close together...I don't want to like start making plans without her and "phasing her out". That would really just be a terrible thing to do to someone. I just want react differently to her bizarre behavior.

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

thanks for input everyone. it is just a really delicate situation. I guess I'm having a harder time dealing with it now because I'm back in town and so is she and we live close together...I don't want to like start making plans without her and "phasing her out". That would really just be a terrible thing to do to someone. I just want react differently to her bizarre behavior.

well it's not really bizarre if she's been like that and you've put up with it for 12 years. So how ARE ya gonna handle it? Cos ya can't leave it as it is! Are ya gonna take any of the advice given? The longer you leave it (which is what's happened) the harder it gets to say something and ya end up biting your tongue again and again til you've no bloody tongue LEFT. If someone complained about a place I'd booked for everyone... I'd have NO problem (and this is easy to do jokingly) telling them to fucking book it themselves the next time.

GreenTeaDisease

Heineken Helen wrote:

well it's not really bizarre if she's been like that and you've put up with it for 12 years. So how ARE ya gonna handle it? Cos ya can't leave it as it is! Are ya gonna take any of the advice given? The longer you leave it (which is what's happened) the harder it gets to say something and ya end up biting your tongue again and again til you've no bloody tongue LEFT. If someone complained about a place I'd booked for everyone... I'd have NO problem (and this is easy to do jokingly) telling them to fucking book it themselves the next time.

yeah I think I'll approach it as sort of a hybrid of things people have suggested. I don't think I'll go for the formal letter or sit down approach. I think I'll try a bit sarcasm or just tell her that something isn't cool...I have lately been trying to teach her to be "nicer" when she starts raging about someone. I'll say things "well, perhaps she had to work late and COULDN'T call you back" or "well maybe there was a snow bank there when they parked and then it melted and that's why they're far from the curb" you know, trying to offer a voice of consideration. This hasn't worked all that well yet but I guess you have to just keep plugging away.

audiodave

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

yeah I think I'll approach it as sort of a hybrid of things people have suggested. I don't think I'll go for the formal letter or sit down approach. I think I'll try a bit sarcasm or just tell her that something isn't cool...I have lately been trying to teach her to be "nicer" when she starts raging about someone. I'll say things "well, perhaps she had to work late and COULDN'T call you back" or "well maybe there was a snow bank there when they parked and then it melted and that's why they're far from the curb" you know, trying to offer a voice of consideration. This hasn't worked all that well yet but I guess you have to just keep plugging away.

So you mean trying to teach her not to instantly think the worse of everyone, for whatever they have or haven't done? I think that's a good way to do it.

She was bitching about how far from the curb someone was? Sounds as though she seriously needs some perspective. Stuff that that REALLY doesn't matter and isn't worth getting worked up about.

GreenTeaDisease

audiodave wrote:

So you mean trying to teach her not to instantly think the worse of everyone, for whatever they have or haven't done? I think that's a good way to do it.

She was bitching about how far from the curb someone was? Sounds as though she seriously needs some perspective. Stuff that that REALLY doesn't matter and isn't worth getting worked up about.

yeah exactly. and yes, she usually calls me on her way home from work and every single time when she pulls onto her street she starts raging about how "people can't park." This is usually after a story that starts out as "I'm kinda pissed at X right now." Always. It's very tiring.

audiodave

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

yeah exactly. and yes, she usually calls me on her way home from work and every single time when she pulls onto her street she starts raging about how "people can't park." This is usually after a story that starts out as "I'm kinda pissed at X right now." Always. It's very tiring.

It sounds tiring. Have you tried telling her that that kind of thing really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things? And I kinda agree with Helen. It sounds as though she has a lot of anger that probably stems from some of sort of unhappiness with herself, or her life.

Or maybe she's just really annoying.