how to deal with difficult friends?

GreenTeaDisease

sorry, this turned out to be much longer than I expected.

so one of my best friends from way back is just so difficult to deal with for so many reasons. first of all if the whole group is making plans to do something, she bitches until the plans meet her schedule and we change them to be what *she* wants to do. After 12 years, we've come to expect this. But she also just has NO FILTER, bitches about EVERYTHING, and tries to "one up" everyone she meets. Now, she's come to bragging about how much money she has and how she has no debt on a regular basis (in a tone that she's better than the rest of us).She's very much like a spoiled little kid. For example, she was coming out to meet us and we had just gone into this bar because all the other ones were too crowded. it wasn't our first choice bar, but we figured we'd hang out there for a while. when we call her she starts bitching about how much she HATES that place. Then when she gets there she's like "I HATE THIS PLACE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME COME HERE." Seriously, it's a bar. we were there for about 20 minutes. get over it. then later on we were at this place having some food, and she all of a sudden starts FREAKING OUT that the waitress won't bring the check. I mean FREAKING OUT (she was like a little kid that starts having a tantrum when they decide they are uncomfortable somewhere). She starts bitching about how she has to work tomorrow. this other guy was like "relax, I have to work tomorrow too." and she's like "well how many HOURS do you have to work? I bet I have more." (that's her big thing, she loves to talk about how her job is harder and more important than everyone else's.)

anyway, you get the idea. the thing is that we've always dealt with her by just ignoring her. I think I was actually the one to institute this practice. but lately I've been thinking that when you ignore her it just makes her think it's ok, and she just offends and annoys everyone more loudly. I've always been one to veer away from stirring the pot, but I think I'm gonna start saying something to her. I already did the other night when she starting bragging about how much money she has. I think it gave her a clue that the world does not revolve around her.

So the question is, should I keep ignoring her and trying to make her happy so she doesn't have tantrums, or do I start being firmer and saying something to her? I have to hang out with this person ALL the time. help me!

deadnote

sounds like she needs a body massage

SPEEDY MCCREADY

have you or any of your friends told her during one of her tantrums....

to.....

SHUT THE FUCK UP and act like an adult?????

GreenTeaDisease

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

have you or any of your friends told her during one of her tantrums....

to.....

SHUT THE FUCK UP and act like an adult?????

no, this is the problem, I am starting to believe.

norm

have to agree with speedy.....if this friend is a true friend and worth keeping then you should say something.....i've done it with friends before.....they're defensive at first but if you can show them how they're being obnoxious you might convince them to change.....or she'll just get pissed at you and keep acting like a child....either way life is too short to put up with someone like that....

SPEEDY MCCREADY

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

no, this is the problem, I am starting to believe.

sometimes certain people need to be told the truth......

Brain of J.Lo

If you've tried to be nice and ignore her, and that didn't work...it's time to say something.

GreenTeaDisease

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

If you've tried to be nice and ignore her, and that didn't work...it's time to say something.

we've all been trying to ignore it for 12 years. I realize it's sort of just like, her personality, but I honestly just can't listen to it anymore. it's like the way she behaves is so unusual that you just don't know what to say. like when she was going off on how she hated the bar we were at and obviously very mad at us for going there (and how were we supposed to know she hated it ahead of time?), like how do you even respond to that? we just don't.

SPEEDY MCCREADY

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

we've all been trying to ignore it for 12 years. I realize it's sort of just like, her personality, but I honestly just can't listen to it anymore. it's like the way she behaves is so unusual that you just don't know what to say. like when she was going off on how she hated the bar we were at and obviously very mad at us for going there (and how were we supposed to know she hated it ahead of time?), like how do you even respond to that? we just don't.

part of the problem....a BIG PART of the problem

is that you and your friends have allowed her to get away with acting in this immature selfish way for a long time.....

mole1985

You need to sit her down and just explain the situation but make it CLEAR that your doing it as her friend and your not just attacking her.

GreenTeaDisease

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

part of the problem....a BIG PART of the problem

is that you and your friends have allowed her to get away with acting in this immature selfish way for a long time.....

I agree. absolutely.

I always wonder if she behaves like this with other people. she has a boyfriend, but I haven't hung out with him. I wonder if she acts like this with him or her other friends, and god forbid coworkers.

GreenTeaDisease

mole1985 wrote:

You need to sit her down and just explain the situation but make it CLEAR that your doing it as her friend and your not just attacking her.

I'm not sure if this is the best way to do as it's hard to articulate exactly what the problem is. I think I might need to just tell her when she says something inappropriate.

Brain of J.Lo

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

we've all been trying to ignore it for 12 years. I realize it's sort of just like, her personality, but I honestly just can't listen to it anymore. it's like the way she behaves is so unusual that you just don't know what to say. like when she was going off on how she hated the bar we were at and obviously very mad at us for going there (and how were we supposed to know she hated it ahead of time?), like how do you even respond to that? we just don't.

That's crazy and so immature. I don't deal well with that.

I assume she must have redeeming qualities, or you wouldn't put up with it. Hopefully, if you present the issue in the right way, you'll get through to her and she'll start to shape up.

I agree that she is probably continuing to do this because you've all put up with it for so long, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she can't change.

However, I think you also have to accept that it might just be who she is...and sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I have always had trouble with that, but I'm trying really hard to be more accepting of people's negative traits, and not letting the bad overshadow the good. In the past, I've been too quick to just put up with the bullshit for so long, not say anything and then eventually just cut ties with the person when I reach the boiling point. There's nothing productive about that, though.

Brain of J.Lo

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I'm not sure if this is the best way to do as it's hard to articulate exactly what the problem is. I think I might need to just tell her when she says something inappropriate.

Yeah, when it happens, I think you just need to say "when you say things like ______ , it makes us feel ________". I think that's the best and most clear way to explain what's going on.

GreenTeaDisease

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

That's crazy and so immature. I don't deal well with that.

I assume she must have redeeming qualities, or you wouldn't put up with it. Hopefully, if you present the issue in the right way, you'll get through to her and she'll start to shape up.

I agree that she is probably continuing to do this because you've all put up with it for so long, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she can't change.

However, I think you also have to accept that it might just be who she is...and sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I have always had trouble with that, but I'm trying really hard to be more accepting of people's negative traits, and not letting the bad overshadow the good. In the past, I've been too quick to just put up with the bullshit for so long, not say anything and then eventually just cut ties with the person when I reach the boiling point. There's nothing productive about that, though.

yes, that's the thing, I've always been very accepting of people's negative traits. (trust me, in this group of friends, there are a LOT of them. it is a very bizarre group.) But I just don't want to hear anymore how my job can't possibly be as important as her's. that my schedule isn't as important as her's. that we have to leave somewhere at the moment she decides she wants to. honestly, when someone says they are making plans for their birthday, she immediately tells you when you can do it based on what days she has off. I really think this is what parenting might be like (if you have a brat )!

GreenTeaDisease

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

Yeah, when it happens, I think you just need to say "when you say things like ______ , it makes us feel ________". I think that's the best and most clear way to explain what's going on.

right like dealing with a kid! this is what I've been thinking.

Brain of J.Lo

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I really think this is what parenting might be like (if you have a brat )!

lol That sounds about right. Too bad she's (presumably) 30, right?

I've had friends like this in the past, and honestly, as I said in the previous post...I cut ties with them. But I really am trying to be more forgiving about these things.

Maybe it's how she was raised. Some people are just babied their entire lives, and then expect to be treated the same way once they're out in the real world. I was definitely spoiled, but was smart enough to understand that it was a temporary thing.

Brain of J.Lo

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

right like dealing with a kid! this is what I've been thinking.

yes, exactly. Just explaining it in the most basic and matter-of-fact way seems like the only chance you have of getting through to her.

GreenTeaDisease

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

yes, exactly. Just explaining it in the most basic and matter-of-fact way seems like the only chance you have of getting through to her.

I almost lost it last night when she tried to one-up the guy in terms of how many hours she had to work today (she does that to me all the time). instead we both just ignored her and I turned to the guy and started asking him questions about his job.

norm

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I almost lost it last night when she tried to one-up the guy in terms of how many hours she had to work today (she does that to me all the time). instead we both just ignored her and I turned to the guy and started asking him questions about his job.

that's when i would go sarcastic on her...

"oohh good for you! i guess you win!"

this will piss her off but maybe then she'll begin to realize she's being an ass


btw, does she have any good qualities? i mean, why are you still friends with her?

GreenTeaDisease

cutback wrote:

that's when i would go sarcastic on her...

"oohh good for you! i guess you win!"

this will piss her off but maybe then she'll begin to realize she's being an ass


btw, does she have any good qualities? i mean, why are you still friends with her?

well, all our group from school is still friends. she seems to care about her friends even if she doesn't always show it right out (to me that's a redeeming enough quality). I don't know quite how I *became* friends with her in the first place, other than circumstance. But friends are friends you know? you don't drop people unless there's a really good reason, at least that's how I've always felt. Sometimes yes, you may hang out with them less as you start to lose commonalities, etc, but I've actually been hanging out with her MORE lately because after I moved here I don't know many people in the area (and like me, she's always up for doing something). It's just one of those things, I don't know how to explain it.

I do like that sarcastic approach, it's not very "me" though (and would probably just make things more awkward than they already are).