Here's my take:
If you really cared about her these things wouldn't bother you. I don't think you're a true friend.
I don't think it's fair to say that. You can care about someone but still be annoyed by certain traits they possess, and wish that they would make a change.
This is obviously a "TOXIC" person ( Ive heard my share of pop-psych references floating about). :rolleyes:
Think about it this way: if she was your friend she'd accept your feelings, just like you accept her behaviour ( and have tolerated all of these years). She needs to know shes making everyone uncomfortable. Once you share how you feel she might blow up , she will probably manipulate you all into feeling sorry for her. But this has been going on for too long. Is she your friend or trying to control all of you?...It seems both sides are being taken for a ride- but I could be wrong here.
Is it an awkward position for you? Like maybe she doesnt have an social skills (socially retarded). Maybe she isnt that arrogant but really underdeveloped in how she addresses things. If so , her friends should be able to help her out on that...and if she gets pissed then its something she really needs to revaluate. I dont think anyone deserves carte blanche in not growing as a human being. Thats just dumb.
Write a letter? If you write it in the most loving way, and maybe address her good points too (make some up if you have to ), she has no reason to hold anything against you all. The sad thing might be that you've known her for so long and it would break some kink in social chain, but the other sad thing is that she's zapping your energy too.....
Slowly try to spend less time with her. If you have to: go alone. Find and meet other people...
It's kind of a conundrum I bet. Youve been with her so long, its bittersweet? You cant just drop her...but shes really irritating. Is she intimidating?...If so, maybe get one person who feels comfortable to talk to her. Or just plan events or get-togethers without her. If the majority of people dont like her, then there's no need for her to spend her time with you all. She can be with like-minded people if there are any.
None of us here know "exactly" what the situation is. The fact that you wrote about it probably means you are ready to get rid of something negative in your life. Good luck Green Disease!!!
sorry, this turned out to be much longer than I expected.
so one of my best friends from way back is just so difficult to deal with for so many reasons. first of all if the whole group is making plans to do something, she bitches until the plans meet her schedule and we change them to be what *she* wants to do. After 12 years, we've come to expect this. But she also just has NO FILTER, bitches about EVERYTHING, and tries to "one up" everyone she meets. Now, she's come to bragging about how much money she has and how she has no debt on a regular basis (in a tone that she's better than the rest of us).She's very much like a spoiled little kid. For example, she was coming out to meet us and we had just gone into this bar because all the other ones were too crowded. it wasn't our first choice bar, but we figured we'd hang out there for a while. when we call her she starts bitching about how much she HATES that place. Then when she gets there she's like "I HATE THIS PLACE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME COME HERE." Seriously, it's a bar. we were there for about 20 minutes. get over it. then later on we were at this place having some food, and she all of a sudden starts FREAKING OUT that the waitress won't bring the check. I mean FREAKING OUT (she was like a little kid that starts having a tantrum when they decide they are uncomfortable somewhere). She starts bitching about how she has to work tomorrow. this other guy was like "relax, I have to work tomorrow too." and she's like "well how many HOURS do you have to work? I bet I have more." (that's her big thing, she loves to talk about how her job is harder and more important than everyone else's.)
anyway, you get the idea. the thing is that we've always dealt with her by just ignoring her. I think I was actually the one to institute this practice. but lately I've been thinking that when you ignore her it just makes her think it's ok, and she just offends and annoys everyone more loudly. I've always been one to veer away from stirring the pot, but I think I'm gonna start saying something to her. I already did the other night when she starting bragging about how much money she has. I think it gave her a clue that the world does not revolve around her.
So the question is, should I keep ignoring her and trying to make her happy so she doesn't have tantrums, or do I start being firmer and saying something to her? (we thought that after our other friend evicted her from her house she might catch on, but she really didn't). I have to hang out with this person ALL the time. help me!
Sounds exactly like one of my best friends. We put up with it for about 15 years and as of late summer we basically stopped answering and stopped calling after we told him it was enough. I feel horrible about it, but it had to be done to benefit all parties. You'll realize this once you go out with your friends without this person. There hasn't been one argument, bar fight, crazy drunken car ride or anything since.
we've all been trying to ignore it for 12 years. I realize it's sort of just like, her personality, but I honestly just can't listen to it anymore. it's like the way she behaves is so unusual that you just don't know what to say. like when she was going off on how she hated the bar we were at and obviously very mad at us for going there (and how were we supposed to know she hated it ahead of time?), like how do you even respond to that? we just don't.
Next time she complains about wherever yas organise, tell her SHE can organise the next one then if you're not doing a good enough job.
I've no time for people like this. If she says something that annoys ya, call her on it right then and there... these things only get worse if ya leave them
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
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Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
or play her at her own thing and tell her you're sorry she has to work so many hours to make sure she's credit card debt free... but you'd much rather have the spare time
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
In the nicest possible way, tell her to "FUCK OFF"
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And it doesn't sound like jealousy either... it doesn't sound like there's much to BE jealous of. I've found that those who tend to brag whilst putting others down actually aren't happy with what they've got themselves... why else would she feel the need to keep pointing out everything she feels makes her life better than yours? Working longer hours than somebody else is nothing to brag about - quite the opposite in fact. It really just doesn't sound like she's happy so she's trying to convince herself, not you, that her life is better than everyone elses.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
In the nicest possible way, tell her to "FUCK OFF"
I've never had a friend like that cos no fucking way would I put up with her. I have known people of pretty strong personalities though who DO take a 'fuck off' well when it's needed so it may be worth a try.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Sounds as though she is behaving like a spoiled child. I would ignore it initially, but things like that really annoy me, and it would build up until I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue anymore.
I really think honesty is the best policy. Seeing as she is your friend, and you do have to spend a lot of time with her, ignoring the problem is only likely to make it worse. If she starts trying to compete with someone, I would just slip in a comment like "it's not a competition", and if she starts going on about how she hates something, why not say something like "well I hate it when you bitch about everything". And as for going on about money and thinking she is better than everyone, I would probably say something along the lines of "not everyone measures their success in dollars" (I wouldn't say dollars, as i'm not American, but you get the idea).
If none of that works...I really don't think you have any choice but to grab her by the shoulders, shake her really hard and shout "What is wrong with you?!".
~AKA Dave-of-the-dead~
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
Dublin 23/08/06 Lisbon I 04/09/06 Lisbon II 05/09/06 Paris 11/09/06 Verona 16/09/06
London 18/06/07 Dusseldorf 21/06/07 Copenhagen 26/06/07 Nijmegen 28/06/07
And it doesn't sound like jealousy either... it doesn't sound like there's much to BE jealous of. I've found that those who tend to brag whilst putting others down actually aren't happy with what they've got themselves... why else would she feel the need to keep pointing out everything she feels makes her life better than yours? Working longer hours than somebody else is nothing to brag about - quite the opposite in fact. It really just doesn't sound like she's happy so she's trying to convince herself, not you, that her life is better than everyone elses.
the thing is, she DOESN'T work more hours than anyone else. I work way more than she does. she just works DIFFERENT hours.
the thing is, she DOESN'T work more hours than anyone else. I work way more than she does. she just works DIFFERENT hours.
hmm... so ya coulda won that one easily then just say the next night 'how many hours do you work? Well I work 20 more so nanananana my job's better than yours, I'm more important than you, I win'
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
thanks for input everyone. it is just a really delicate situation. I guess I'm having a harder time dealing with it now because I'm back in town and so is she and we live close together...I don't want to like start making plans without her and "phasing her out". That would really just be a terrible thing to do to someone. I just want react differently to her bizarre behavior.
thanks for input everyone. it is just a really delicate situation. I guess I'm having a harder time dealing with it now because I'm back in town and so is she and we live close together...I don't want to like start making plans without her and "phasing her out". That would really just be a terrible thing to do to someone. I just want react differently to her bizarre behavior.
well it's not really bizarre if she's been like that and you've put up with it for 12 years. So how ARE ya gonna handle it? Cos ya can't leave it as it is! Are ya gonna take any of the advice given? The longer you leave it (which is what's happened) the harder it gets to say something and ya end up biting your tongue again and again til you've no bloody tongue LEFT. If someone complained about a place I'd booked for everyone... I'd have NO problem (and this is easy to do jokingly) telling them to fucking book it themselves the next time.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
well it's not really bizarre if she's been like that and you've put up with it for 12 years. So how ARE ya gonna handle it? Cos ya can't leave it as it is! Are ya gonna take any of the advice given? The longer you leave it (which is what's happened) the harder it gets to say something and ya end up biting your tongue again and again til you've no bloody tongue LEFT. If someone complained about a place I'd booked for everyone... I'd have NO problem (and this is easy to do jokingly) telling them to fucking book it themselves the next time.
yeah I think I'll approach it as sort of a hybrid of things people have suggested. I don't think I'll go for the formal letter or sit down approach. I think I'll try a bit sarcasm or just tell her that something isn't cool...I have lately been trying to teach her to be "nicer" when she starts raging about someone. I'll say things "well, perhaps she had to work late and COULDN'T call you back" or "well maybe there was a snow bank there when they parked and then it melted and that's why they're far from the curb" you know, trying to offer a voice of consideration. This hasn't worked all that well yet but I guess you have to just keep plugging away.
yeah I think I'll approach it as sort of a hybrid of things people have suggested. I don't think I'll go for the formal letter or sit down approach. I think I'll try a bit sarcasm or just tell her that something isn't cool...I have lately been trying to teach her to be "nicer" when she starts raging about someone. I'll say things "well, perhaps she had to work late and COULDN'T call you back" or "well maybe there was a snow bank there when they parked and then it melted and that's why they're far from the curb" you know, trying to offer a voice of consideration. This hasn't worked all that well yet but I guess you have to just keep plugging away.
So you mean trying to teach her not to instantly think the worse of everyone, for whatever they have or haven't done? I think that's a good way to do it.
She was bitching about how far from the curb someone was? Sounds as though she seriously needs some perspective. Stuff that that REALLY doesn't matter and isn't worth getting worked up about.
~AKA Dave-of-the-dead~
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
Dublin 23/08/06 Lisbon I 04/09/06 Lisbon II 05/09/06 Paris 11/09/06 Verona 16/09/06
London 18/06/07 Dusseldorf 21/06/07 Copenhagen 26/06/07 Nijmegen 28/06/07
So you mean trying to teach her not to instantly think the worse of everyone, for whatever they have or haven't done? I think that's a good way to do it.
She was bitching about how far from the curb someone was? Sounds as though she seriously needs some perspective. Stuff that that REALLY doesn't matter and isn't worth getting worked up about.
yeah exactly. and yes, she usually calls me on her way home from work and every single time when she pulls onto her street she starts raging about how "people can't park." This is usually after a story that starts out as "I'm kinda pissed at X right now." Always. It's very tiring.
yeah exactly. and yes, she usually calls me on her way home from work and every single time when she pulls onto her street she starts raging about how "people can't park." This is usually after a story that starts out as "I'm kinda pissed at X right now." Always. It's very tiring.
It sounds tiring. Have you tried telling her that that kind of thing really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things? And I kinda agree with Helen. It sounds as though she has a lot of anger that probably stems from some of sort of unhappiness with herself, or her life.
Or maybe she's just really annoying.
~AKA Dave-of-the-dead~
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
Dublin 23/08/06 Lisbon I 04/09/06 Lisbon II 05/09/06 Paris 11/09/06 Verona 16/09/06
London 18/06/07 Dusseldorf 21/06/07 Copenhagen 26/06/07 Nijmegen 28/06/07
Comments
I don't think it's fair to say that. You can care about someone but still be annoyed by certain traits they possess, and wish that they would make a change.
Think about it this way: if she was your friend she'd accept your feelings, just like you accept her behaviour ( and have tolerated all of these years). She needs to know shes making everyone uncomfortable. Once you share how you feel she might blow up , she will probably manipulate you all into feeling sorry for her. But this has been going on for too long. Is she your friend or trying to control all of you?...It seems both sides are being taken for a ride- but I could be wrong here.
Is it an awkward position for you? Like maybe she doesnt have an social skills (socially retarded). Maybe she isnt that arrogant but really underdeveloped in how she addresses things. If so , her friends should be able to help her out on that...and if she gets pissed then its something she really needs to revaluate. I dont think anyone deserves carte blanche in not growing as a human being. Thats just dumb.
Write a letter? If you write it in the most loving way, and maybe address her good points too (make some up if you have to
Slowly try to spend less time with her. If you have to: go alone. Find and meet other people...
It's kind of a conundrum I bet. Youve been with her so long, its bittersweet? You cant just drop her...but shes really irritating. Is she intimidating?...If so, maybe get one person who feels comfortable to talk to her. Or just plan events or get-togethers without her. If the majority of people dont like her, then there's no need for her to spend her time with you all. She can be with like-minded people if there are any.
None of us here know "exactly" what the situation is. The fact that you wrote about it probably means you are ready to get rid of something negative in your life. Good luck Green Disease!!!
This reminds me of someone
Sounds exactly like one of my best friends. We put up with it for about 15 years and as of late summer we basically stopped answering and stopped calling after we told him it was enough. I feel horrible about it, but it had to be done to benefit all parties. You'll realize this once you go out with your friends without this person. There hasn't been one argument, bar fight, crazy drunken car ride or anything since.
Maybe we should hook your friend up with mine
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I've no time for people like this. If she says something that annoys ya, call her on it right then and there... these things only get worse if ya leave them
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Sydney 14/02/2003
Sydney 07/11/2006
Sydney 18/11/2006
Sydney 22/11/2009
EV Sydney 18/03/2011
EV Sydney 19/03/2011
EV Sydney 20/03/2011
Melbourne 24/01/2014
Sydney 26/01/2014
EV Sydney 13/02/2014
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I really think honesty is the best policy. Seeing as she is your friend, and you do have to spend a lot of time with her, ignoring the problem is only likely to make it worse. If she starts trying to compete with someone, I would just slip in a comment like "it's not a competition", and if she starts going on about how she hates something, why not say something like "well I hate it when you bitch about everything". And as for going on about money and thinking she is better than everyone, I would probably say something along the lines of "not everyone measures their success in dollars" (I wouldn't say dollars, as i'm not American, but you get the idea).
If none of that works...I really don't think you have any choice but to grab her by the shoulders, shake her really hard and shout "What is wrong with you?!".
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
Dublin 23/08/06 Lisbon I 04/09/06 Lisbon II 05/09/06 Paris 11/09/06 Verona 16/09/06
London 18/06/07 Dusseldorf 21/06/07 Copenhagen 26/06/07 Nijmegen 28/06/07
the thing is, she DOESN'T work more hours than anyone else. I work way more than she does. she just works DIFFERENT hours.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
yeah I think I'll approach it as sort of a hybrid of things people have suggested. I don't think I'll go for the formal letter or sit down approach. I think I'll try a bit sarcasm or just tell her that something isn't cool...I have lately been trying to teach her to be "nicer" when she starts raging about someone. I'll say things "well, perhaps she had to work late and COULDN'T call you back" or "well maybe there was a snow bank there when they parked and then it melted and that's why they're far from the curb" you know, trying to offer a voice of consideration. This hasn't worked all that well yet but I guess you have to just keep plugging away.
She was bitching about how far from the curb someone was? Sounds as though she seriously needs some perspective. Stuff that that REALLY doesn't matter and isn't worth getting worked up about.
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
Dublin 23/08/06 Lisbon I 04/09/06 Lisbon II 05/09/06 Paris 11/09/06 Verona 16/09/06
London 18/06/07 Dusseldorf 21/06/07 Copenhagen 26/06/07 Nijmegen 28/06/07
yeah exactly. and yes, she usually calls me on her way home from work and every single time when she pulls onto her street she starts raging about how "people can't park." This is usually after a story that starts out as "I'm kinda pissed at X right now." Always. It's very tiring.
It sounds tiring. Have you tried telling her that that kind of thing really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things? And I kinda agree with Helen. It sounds as though she has a lot of anger that probably stems from some of sort of unhappiness with herself, or her life.
Or maybe she's just really annoying.
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
Dublin 23/08/06 Lisbon I 04/09/06 Lisbon II 05/09/06 Paris 11/09/06 Verona 16/09/06
London 18/06/07 Dusseldorf 21/06/07 Copenhagen 26/06/07 Nijmegen 28/06/07