how to deal with difficult friends?

MattCameronKicksButt

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

well, all our group from college is still friends. she seems to care about her friends even if she doesn't always show it right out (to me that's a redeeming enough quality). I don't know quite how I *became* friends with her in the first place, other than circumstance. But friends are friends you know? you don't drop people unless there's a really good reason, at least that's how I've always felt. Sometimes yes, you may hang out with them less as you start to lose commonalities, etc, but I've actually been hanging out with her MORE lately because after I moved back here I don't know many people in the area (and like me, she's always up for doing something). It's just one of those things, I don't know how to explain it.

I do like that sarcastic approach, it's not very "me" though (and would probably just make things more awkward than they already are).

Why don't you just ditch her? You basicly told us you don't like her. (You're friends through circumstance and she's annoying). Being shunned will give her a hint that she's annoying and selfish. She might change her ways. Ditching her is better than complaining about her on a public message board.

GreenTeaDisease

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

Why don't you just ditch her? You basicly told us you don't like her. (You're friends through circumstance and she's annoying). Being shunned will give her a hint that she's annoying and selfish. She might change her ways. Ditching her is better than complaining about her on a public message board.

I'm not really complaining about her, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with behavior that has become a problem to deal with. It not even just a matter of annoyance or even awkwardness and discomfort, but you really have to make a lot of concessions to please her, and you have to take a lot of insulting comments.

Dylan Stone

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I'm not really complaining about her, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with behavior that has become a problem to deal with. It not even just a matter of annoyance or even awkwardness and discomfort, but you really have to make a lot of concessions to please her, and you have to take a lot of insulting comments.

Yeah....I just don't hang out with people like that.

That is how I would deal with her.

My 2 cents.

JaneNY

My response is the same as the previous several. I wouldn't hang with someone like that. If someone is sapping your mental energy, don't spend time with them. This person is not what I'd define as a 'friend'. More like an acquaintance.

norm

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

well, all our group from college is still friends. she seems to care about her friends even if she doesn't always show it right out (to me that's a redeeming enough quality). I don't know quite how I *became* friends with her in the first place, other than circumstance. But friends are friends you know? you don't drop people unless there's a really good reason, at least that's how I've always felt. Sometimes yes, you may hang out with them less as you start to lose commonalities, etc, but I've actually been hanging out with her MORE lately because after I moved back here I don't know many people in the area (and like me, she's always up for doing something). It's just one of those things, I don't know how to explain it.

I do like that sarcastic approach, it's not very "me" though (and would probably just make things more awkward than they already are).

i understand what you're saying....i had a friend like this....knew him since we were in 4th grade.....obnoxious and annoying but at times could be a great guy and fun to be around....flash forward to adulthood and he hasn't changed a bit....i assumed he would grow out of it but he didn't so we slowly spent less and less time together especially after he got married.....now he may have changed in the past few years but i doubt it.....

now your situation you can't do this....j lo's approach is the best....talk to her when you alone with her and she's in a good mood.....hopefully she won't take offense (although i have a feeling she will )

MattCameronKicksButt

Do you mean that you see something good in her but you're not sure how to bring it out? Because you shouldn't feel like you can change someone.

...If you really care, you should tell her that she acts selfish, otherwise, just don't bother with her.
(IMO)

_Crazy_Mary_

"Not unlike a friend that politely drags you down"

Here's my take:
If you really cared about her these things wouldn't bother you. I don't think you're a true friend. I think that you are actually jealous of her.
There's nothing wrong with being excited about being out of debt and making good money. If she can't talk about that with her friends, then who can she talk about it with?! She's proud of herself for working hard, long hours and deserves respect. Also, she has taste: she doesn't want to go to the crummy bar and she expects good service in a restaurant.
Obviously, I don't know you or your friends, but this is my initial reaction to your story.

GreenTeaDisease

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

"Not unlike a friend that politely drags you down"

Here's my take:
If you really cared about her these things wouldn't bother you. I don't think you're a true friend. I think that you are actually jealous of her.
There's nothing wrong with being excited about being out of debt and making good money. If she can't talk about that with her friends, then who can she talk about it with?! She's proud of herself for working hard, long hours and deserves respect. Also, she has taste: she doesn't want to go to the crummy bar and she expects good service in a restaurant.
Obviously, I don't know you or your friends, but this is my initial reaction to your story.

um, no, not jealous.

there's a difference between being "proud" and being completely inconsiderate and selfish.

and honestly, if an ADULT is unhappy with restaurant service or the choice of location her friends happen to be in, he or she does not throw a hissy fit tantrum. Again, inconsideration.

and I think a lot if it is jot NOT THINKING. Not thinking that gee, maybe other people have different circumstances in their lives. not thinking that maybe other people want to do things that maybe I don't want to do. not thinking that maybe my schedule is not the schedule that will work for the other 6 people involved. So maybe there is a better way to react to this than I have been. A way that will not cause too many problems.

Dylan Stone

woops.

Didn't want to post.

Sorry.

Stone Is God

GTFLYGIRL wrote:

Yeah....I just don't hang out with people like that.

That is how I would deal with her.

My 2 cents.

My thoughts exactly.

Brain of J.Lo

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

Here's my take:
If you really cared about her these things wouldn't bother you. I don't think you're a true friend.

I don't think it's fair to say that. You can care about someone but still be annoyed by certain traits they possess, and wish that they would make a change.

rarghrargh-brownstar

This is obviously a "TOXIC" person ( Ive heard my share of pop-psych references floating about). :rolleyes:

Think about it this way: if she was your friend she'd accept your feelings, just like you accept her behaviour ( and have tolerated all of these years). She needs to know shes making everyone uncomfortable. Once you share how you feel she might blow up , she will probably manipulate you all into feeling sorry for her. But this has been going on for too long. Is she your friend or trying to control all of you?...It seems both sides are being taken for a ride- but I could be wrong here.

Is it an awkward position for you? Like maybe she doesnt have an social skills (socially retarded). Maybe she isnt that arrogant but really underdeveloped in how she addresses things. If so , her friends should be able to help her out on that...and if she gets pissed then its something she really needs to revaluate. I dont think anyone deserves carte blanche in not growing as a human being. Thats just dumb.

Write a letter? If you write it in the most loving way, and maybe address her good points too (make some up if you have to ), she has no reason to hold anything against you all. The sad thing might be that you've known her for so long and it would break some kink in social chain, but the other sad thing is that she's zapping your energy too.....

Slowly try to spend less time with her. If you have to: go alone. Find and meet other people...

It's kind of a conundrum I bet. Youve been with her so long, its bittersweet? You cant just drop her...but shes really irritating. Is she intimidating?...If so, maybe get one person who feels comfortable to talk to her. Or just plan events or get-togethers without her. If the majority of people dont like her, then there's no need for her to spend her time with you all. She can be with like-minded people if there are any.


None of us here know "exactly" what the situation is. The fact that you wrote about it probably means you are ready to get rid of something negative in your life. Good luck Green Disease!!!

sorry-had to write that fast- have an appt.

meme

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

But she also just has NO FILTER, bitches about EVERYTHING

This reminds me of someone

South of Seattle

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

sorry, this turned out to be much longer than I expected.

so one of my best friends from way back is just so difficult to deal with for so many reasons. first of all if the whole group is making plans to do something, she bitches until the plans meet her schedule and we change them to be what *she* wants to do. After 12 years, we've come to expect this. But she also just has NO FILTER, bitches about EVERYTHING, and tries to "one up" everyone she meets. Now, she's come to bragging about how much money she has and how she has no debt on a regular basis (in a tone that she's better than the rest of us).She's very much like a spoiled little kid. For example, she was coming out to meet us and we had just gone into this bar because all the other ones were too crowded. it wasn't our first choice bar, but we figured we'd hang out there for a while. when we call her she starts bitching about how much she HATES that place. Then when she gets there she's like "I HATE THIS PLACE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME COME HERE." Seriously, it's a bar. we were there for about 20 minutes. get over it. then later on we were at this place having some food, and she all of a sudden starts FREAKING OUT that the waitress won't bring the check. I mean FREAKING OUT (she was like a little kid that starts having a tantrum when they decide they are uncomfortable somewhere). She starts bitching about how she has to work tomorrow. this other guy was like "relax, I have to work tomorrow too." and she's like "well how many HOURS do you have to work? I bet I have more." (that's her big thing, she loves to talk about how her job is harder and more important than everyone else's.)

anyway, you get the idea. the thing is that we've always dealt with her by just ignoring her. I think I was actually the one to institute this practice. but lately I've been thinking that when you ignore her it just makes her think it's ok, and she just offends and annoys everyone more loudly. I've always been one to veer away from stirring the pot, but I think I'm gonna start saying something to her. I already did the other night when she starting bragging about how much money she has. I think it gave her a clue that the world does not revolve around her.

So the question is, should I keep ignoring her and trying to make her happy so she doesn't have tantrums, or do I start being firmer and saying something to her? (we thought that after our other friend evicted her from her house she might catch on, but she really didn't). I have to hang out with this person ALL the time. help me!

Sounds exactly like one of my best friends. We put up with it for about 15 years and as of late summer we basically stopped answering and stopped calling after we told him it was enough. I feel horrible about it, but it had to be done to benefit all parties. You'll realize this once you go out with your friends without this person. There hasn't been one argument, bar fight, crazy drunken car ride or anything since.

Maybe we should hook your friend up with mine

chiquimonkey

meme wrote:

This reminds me of someone

heeheeeee

catefrances

you put up with that shit for 12 years? talk about enabling. anyone annoys me for even a second they know about it.

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

we've all been trying to ignore it for 12 years. I realize it's sort of just like, her personality, but I honestly just can't listen to it anymore. it's like the way she behaves is so unusual that you just don't know what to say. like when she was going off on how she hated the bar we were at and obviously very mad at us for going there (and how were we supposed to know she hated it ahead of time?), like how do you even respond to that? we just don't.

Next time she complains about wherever yas organise, tell her SHE can organise the next one then if you're not doing a good enough job.

I've no time for people like this. If she says something that annoys ya, call her on it right then and there... these things only get worse if ya leave them

Heineken Helen

cutback wrote:

that's when i would go sarcastic on her...

"oohh good for you! i guess you win!"

or play her at her own thing and tell her you're sorry she has to work so many hours to make sure she's credit card debt free... but you'd much rather have the spare time

pjfan31

In the nicest possible way, tell her to "FUCK OFF"

Heineken Helen

And it doesn't sound like jealousy either... it doesn't sound like there's much to BE jealous of. I've found that those who tend to brag whilst putting others down actually aren't happy with what they've got themselves... why else would she feel the need to keep pointing out everything she feels makes her life better than yours? Working longer hours than somebody else is nothing to brag about - quite the opposite in fact. It really just doesn't sound like she's happy so she's trying to convince herself, not you, that her life is better than everyone elses.