May I ask a personal question?

Heineken Helen

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.

I agree completely... we were all cheeky little fuckers when we were younger... I never understood why my mother couldn't just clean my room after me... what point was she trying to prove?

Point is you can't take any of this personally... kids will just be kids and alot of what they say may hurt but that's just how it is. If you keep your head and your calm during this, they WILL appreciate you! Maybe not today... but kids do notice stuff and it stays with them.

Don't worry about being a downer... you're not... you have to vent somewhere... better here, eh?

writersu

Heineken Helen wrote:

I agree completely... we were all cheeky little fuckers when we were younger... I never understood why my mother couldn't just clean my room after me... what point was she trying to prove?

Point is you can't take any of this personally... kids will just be kids and alot of what they say may hurt but that's just how it is. If you keep your head and your calm during this, they WILL appreciate you! Maybe not today... but kids do notice stuff and it stays with them.

Don't worry about being a downer... you're not... you have to vent somewhere... better here, eh?

thanks again, Helen.
He planned a trip to his mom's summer (winter) house in Florida with the kids and I for the summer. Last year, he planned three trips and bailed on all of them. Thankfully the kids and I went away for a few days ourselves.
But now this year again, he is telling the kids that no way will he go as all of us because of me. At first, I was about to go into panic mode but after these past few days and all of the crap, I decided to no longer jump through these crazy, moving, changing hoops. It will not feel good I can assure you but it will at least hopefully allow me to gain some self respect again.

Heineken Helen

writersu wrote:

thanks again, Helen.
He planned a trip to his mom's summer (winter) house in Florida with the kids and I for the summer. Last year, he planned three trips and bailed on all of them. Thankfully the kids and I went away for a few days ourselves.
But now this year again, he is telling the kids that no way will he go as all of us because of me. At first, I was about to go into panic mode but after these past few days and all of the crap, I decided to no longer jump through these crazy, moving, changing hoops. It will not feel good I can assure you but it will at least hopefully allow me to gain some self respect again.

There ya go. Try not to talk bad to the kids about him also... they don't wanna hear that and will NOT thank you for it. Even if it's just explaining your side of things. Just tell them how you've done nothing to stop it and it is entirely up to him and you hoped he'd go ahead but you're disappointed... and say you'll try and make it up to them.

writersu

Heineken Helen wrote:

There ya go. Try not to talk bad to the kids about him also... they don't wanna hear that and will NOT thank you for it. Even if it's just explaining your side of things. Just tell them how you've done nothing to stop it and it is entirely up to him and you hoped he'd go ahead but you're disappointed... and say you'll try and make it up to them.

yeah, space and time away are my owm redeaming fators here. He came around last night for my third son's birthday, (of which the son asked if we could spend it together) and before I knew it, he had totally turned the birthday celebration into a discussion about my 17 year old son's needing a new car and then got all indiginant when I said that my mom was going to go to co sign so I was too going.

Well, the seventeen went to his dad's for the night. big victory, on the cripple's part.

I am so done...................

writersu

Well, finally after a lot of sadness, and too much craziness, I am feeling good and the house is behaving normal. The kids are with their friends doing summer things, hanging with me when they are home and the mood is a lot lighter here.

It is amazing how the weight of someone else's issues can really trip you (me) up. I know I have seen this before, from my aunt who had a horrible marriage to an alcoholic who told her she was fat and ugly (no kidding; this woman won beauty pageants in high school) so she was totally wrecked --she believed him. She ended up cracking, had a nervous breakdown, was giving those wonderful oh so healing electric shock therapy and was really too messed up to raise her kids. And the funny thing, is that I look in from the outside and say, "this guy was an awful, violent drunken loser! how could HE tell anyone what they should be?" I look at it with a detachment that allows me to see so differently what she saw. I try to look at my life as an outsider every so often. It helps me.

again, I thank you guys, for the help and the encouragement. Last year the kids and I went to Traverse City Michigan. It was an awesome vacation though only three days. Maybe we can find a place for the week that would not be a lot of money but a lot of fun. I hear that they have cabins at Traverse that are reasonable. I am looking into that, keeping the original plans open if he decides to still go (the kids want to go bad and I do miss Key West), but not having our whole life depend on it.

wish me luck.

SweetAndLow

Drop him like a bad habit. He sounds like a complete douche, pardon my language. It sounds crass, but treat him as a business transaction if it involves transporting kids back and forth for visitation or whatever.

writersu

SweetAndLow wrote:

Drop him like a bad habit. He sounds like a complete douche, pardon my language. It sounds crass, but treat him as a business transaction if it involves transporting kids back and forth for visitation or whatever.

yeah, I know. And I really don't feel any connection anymore; it's all been pretty much destroyed anyway............

but I look at other families with parents who are definitely not in love, still though they are mature enough to handle it for the kids and make the family a whole. I guess you can't be married by yourself though and life itself is pretty exhausting, the main thing about getting older being not to become bitter and burn out the joy of it..........who needs someone who is suppose to be on your side to make it harder, right?

I have to really get on that idealism problem I always have..........

Heineken Helen

good luck writersu... just take it each day at a time and go along with it.

Problem is your kids know the situation and they can use it to get whatever they want... he has the potential to ruin them. So you just keep a firm hold of things, stay strong and you'll be fine. Eyes on the prize, eh?

It's sad now that you're waiting on him to make up his mind about Key West. Find out about the cabins at Traverse though and give them a great holiday Do you think maybe you're giving him too much control? I mean, I know he's on a knife edge and seems to WANT to ruin stuff... but here you are saying you'd drop the holiday YOU book if he changes his mind about his :( making him look like the hero. I'm really tired this morning and not wording myself properly... but there has to be a way around that.

writersu

Heineken Helen wrote:

good luck writersu... just take it each day at a time and go along with it.

Problem is your kids know the situation and they can use it to get whatever they want... he has the potential to ruin them. So you just keep a firm hold of things, stay strong and you'll be fine. Eyes on the prize, eh?

It's sad now that you're waiting on him to make up his mind about Key West. Find out about the cabins at Traverse though and give them a great holiday Do you think maybe you're giving him too much control? I mean, I know he's on a knife edge and seems to WANT to ruin stuff... but here you are saying you'd drop the holiday YOU book if he changes his mind about his :( making him look like the hero. I'm really tired this morning and not wording myself properly... but there has to be a way around that.

Thanks, Helen, and yeah you are making perfect sense..........

I guess the issue with the vacation is that the kids love the Keys; we use to go there every winter and because I am the heavy at home,( I always was; the one rule was "don't stand in front of the TV" with Dad and the only rule....) I don't want to hold this from them. It is hard because he is so immature that he says things like "If your mother says it's ok," as if I have a lot of say in things that he ends up botching anyway......

But like the one post said here about detachment, (thanks for that btw),and like you point out, I need to make plans that don't interfere with anyone else's nor can anyone else's ruin mine.

In quiet good times, when the kids aren't being manipulated by his crap, I know that they see what is happening. There a lot of times when I am here, doing all of the work, and my mind is working overtime, hating him, hating this work, and almost (I said almost.....I don't and hope I never) resenting the kids, that they will sit later on with me and they tell me in their own ways that they see all I do. That is enough of a complement although I do worry inside that they will be like him and never appreciate a woman for just her, like he learned growing up not to. I just pray for God to block that and I hope that because I am praying only the prayers that I really need answered, He blesses me for the kids' sake.

I am going to make the plans, though, like you said because I think one of the most frustrating things are when we feel powerless. You know?

Thanks again, Helen. It is amazing how many friends we make here, isn't it?
I hope you know I count you as one........

Heineken Helen

writersu wrote:

Thanks, Helen, and yeah you are making perfect sense..........

I guess the issue with the vacation is that the kids love the Keys; we use to go there every winter and because I am the heavy at home,( I always was; the one rule was "don't stand in front of the TV" with Dad and the only rule....) I don't want to hold this from them. It is hard because he is so immature that he says things like "If your mother says it's ok," as if I have a lot of say in things that he ends up botching anyway......

But like the one post said here about detachment, (thanks for that btw),and like you point out, I need to make plans that don't interfere with anyone else's nor can anyone else's ruin mine.

In quiet good times, when the kids aren't being manipulated by his crap, I know that they see what is happening. There a lot of times when I am here, doing all of the work, and my mind is working overtime, hating him, hating this work, and almost (I said almost.....I don't and hope I never) resenting the kids, that they will sit later on with me and they tell me in their own ways that they see all I do. That is enough of a complement although I do worry inside that they will be like him and never appreciate a woman for just her, like he learned growing up not to. I just pray for God to block that and I hope that because I am praying only the prayers that I really need answered, He blesses me for the kids' sake.

I am going to make the plans, though, like you said because I think one of the most frustrating things are when we feel powerless. You know?

Thanks again, Helen. It is amazing how many friends we make here, isn't it?
I hope you know I count you as one........

Thank you of course you can. Well everything you say makes perfect sense... and yep, try and take some of the power back without arguing or making it seem like it's a power struggle. Remember, the kids live with you. You have the power to make them happy when they're with you, which is most of the time, he doesn't. Its almost tempting to say if the kids say they want to live with him, let them so they can see how bad it would be but obviously that's not a game you want to play

riffrandall

writersu wrote:

The problem is that I had gotten a lot of strength and good esteem just from myself seeing how I could take care of my kids and not have to hear daily what a disappointment I am to him. Now the strength is week and I am so mad at myself that I let myself be taken for granted again by allowing him in my life.

.

Darling- this is never a problem. Getting strength & self esteem is what life is all about. You are a good mother, and at the end of the day (or at the end of life, whichever you choose) there will be no better accomplishment in your life than to have been a good mother, even if you go on to be the one to find a cure for cancer.

Going back to school with 4 children to raise shows tremendous strength of character. That is not easy.
Relationships go up and down, as do our reactions to them. If you're in a bit of a down cycle right now, it doesn't mean this is it. Your strength will enable you to come back around.

You have the skills you need, you just have to steel yourself against the negativity and bad energy. Just dig in and deflect it.
Sounds like you are a shining example for your children. That's good work!

writersu

riffrandall wrote:

Darling- this is never a problem. Getting strength & self esteem is what life is all about. You are a good mother, and at the end of the day (or at the end of life, whichever you choose) there will be no better accomplishment in your life than to have been a good mother, even if you go on to be the one to find a cure for cancer.

Going back to school with 4 children to raise shows tremendous strength of character. That is not easy.
Relationships go up and down, as do our reactions to them. If you're in a bit of a down cycle right now, it doesn't mean this is it. Your strength will enable you to come back around.

You have the skills you need, you just have to steel yourself against the negativity and bad energy. Just dig in and deflect it.
Sounds like you are a shining example for your children. That's good work!

You are awesomely nice to say that to me. I always say that if anything, no matter what, at the end of my life, if my kids can say, "Mom never did anything on purpose to hurt us" and if my headstone read, "Was a good mother" (which I am not planning to be buried at that time, but I joke my kids that I had better be nice or they will bury me with a headstone and a BIG statue of the Virgin Mary...lol?)........

that will have said enough. I have seen in my life as well (like you were kind enough to point out) that the low times were really a feeding point for my soul or my writing.

I quit school when I was 17; (something I didn't want my kids to know because it was not a good decision, but their dad saw it an opportunity to use it as a means for them to say to me when I told them about school being important; but I turned it around as a real experience that I can say now is important for a lot of reasons), so when I went back this past January to the local college (thankfully I was smart enough to get my GED done when I was 19; a move that still baffles me that I actually realized that although I was a fuck up somewhat still), it was a bit fast paced. I failed my course but I refuse to let that stop me; I am determined to take it again this fall. I figure if anything, I am sure to have a leg up on the class; seeing I already went through it right?

I hope that if I teach or model anything, that it is that we all can learn from each other and that it is ok to mess up as long as we get back up and all the more fervently fight for what we want.

Thanks again. Truly.