May I ask a personal question?

writersu

Whizbang wrote:

damn straight!



thanks. yeah, I try to but the negative energy is exhausting sometimes. I fight all of the time to keep myself above water and not give in to someone else's fucked up view of me. sometime ago, I realized that living with my tail between legs is just an invite for others to kick me.

here is my fave poem.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.



Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

triangleman12

writersu wrote:

Whizbang wrote:

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Desiderata I live by this verse, these words have helped me through some tough times. As for the breakfast your ex is throwing . . . my advice is to go and hold her head up HIGH!!! If you don't go, he'll just use that as a weapon against you. I don't know the circumstance with your mom and sister and I hope I'm not stepping out of line here, it's not my intention. But based on my own experience, assholes are assholes, regardless of who they are or if they're related to you. I've written my grandparents off a few months ago and I'm on the verge of writting off my father. Do I feel bad, yes a little. But their actions brought it on themself

MattCameronKicksButt

I just wanted to... I don't know, wish you luck? Everyone here has good advice but I don't have any... just because I'm not good at giving advice.

I suppose I can just imagine how nervous and depressed this is making you feel. So... *hugs* for you.

Heineken Helen

triangleman12 wrote:

writersu wrote:

Desiderata I live by this verse, these words have helped me through some tough times. As for the breakfast your ex is throwing . . . my advice is to go and hold her head up HIGH!!! If you don't go, he'll just use that as a weapon against you. I don't know the circumstance with your mom and sister and I hope I'm not stepping out of line here, it's not my intention. But based on my own experience, assholes are assholes, regardless of who they are or if they're related to you. I've written my grandparents off a few months ago and I'm on the verge of writting off my father. Do I feel bad, yes a little. But their actions brought it on themself

I agree. Thankfully I know nothing of your situation writersu but I think we've all had experiences of people putting us down... or of family situations like that. The only one I can compare was my grandmothers funeral... which I went to, despite the fact most of my mothers family hate me. I went to say my own personal goodbye... not for them... and I DID get some of the closure that I needed. I held my head high and came away with even more dignity... same CANNOT be said for them. You go for your son. Sounds like you've done a great job for him... he's graduating... he sounds like he's old enough that you can explain the situation about the house and not wanting to invite people back there. Who knows, maybe he'll say he doesn't mind? It is his day after all and people really don't care about the state of the house... maybe do a cheap buffet and have plenty of drink... but just keep in mind that the day is about your son and any attempts by the dad or his family to fuck that up... remind THEM about that too... and this will make you look good

whatever you do, good luck... and fuck the dad, it's not about him.

DeLukin

I also have 4 kids and I tell them over and over the same thing: You can't let people's opinion of you affect how you feel about yourself. It's more important to like yourself than it is to be liked. I've spent a lot of life walking alone rather than playing the games that people play with each other and I gotta say it's definitely made me stronger and more aware of how negative energy in relationships is like a cancer. So my advice would be do what you feel is the right thing and don't let anyone change how you feel about it. In the end, your responsibility is to your kids. If you're true to them, then eff the world...

writersu

thanks to all of you for your strength. today I am sending this to you becasue I am so upset I can't believe this happened.
Today was a horrible day and I have already pm'd this twice s please forgive me copying this text, I am so sad I can cry but I am afraid thatg if I do, he wins again.

the most hurtful fucked up thing happened to me today. I had my kids cleaning their rooms for summer (like changing the closet over from winter to summer) and my 16 year old, who I have been getting long with great lately, got mad because he didn't want to clean his room. Things got messed up, and he swore at me. I got in his face and said that he had better not disrespect me anymore and that he had better clean his room. I left the room and he texted his father telling him that he was getting hit by me. his father called the police and they came. they talked to me and to all of the kids and then my son came out with my phone and he threw it on the ground and broke it. They took him by the arm, and he said, "what the fuck?" and they put him in the car and took him off. after the cops talked to him he had the nerve to say that he didn't want to go home with me and instead he wanted to go with his father. He will have peer jury and his father is the one responsible for it.
My sister who has gotten on my (soon to be?) ex's side called me yelling at me telling me that I am going to lose my kids.I am so sad. I did nothing to get this to happen. I can't believe that the whole day has been so horrible. I want to have a good night but my mood is so nervous now.


sorry to unload. any thoughts?[/quote]

MattCameronKicksButt

su, I'm SO sorry. I don't know what to say.

I suppose that your worst fear has already happened now so you can only go up from here.

Heineken Helen

Oh my god, I am so sorry at least the police seem to believe you so it doesn't look like your kids will be taken away. I really don't know what to say... all I know is that getting the police involved in family situations is ridiculous and can make things much worse than they actually are. This guy is dangerous... you need to get away from him somehow!

libragirl

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I probably have no right to say this but I think it's horrible that your sister is siding with your Ex.

corduroid

I am in a similar situation with my ex, which has not escalted as far as yours - my heart truly goes out to you and those kids. What a nightmare.

A while ago the kids' counselor gave me a handout to help deal with their mom's behavior. It may sound trite here given how crazed your situation has become, but I'll share it anyhow in hope that it offers some support.

DETACHMENT

One person’s problem (be it addiction, mental illness, etc) can become a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else’s problem is devastating for many people to bear without help.

We need to learn that we are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves.

WE MUST LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink or use drugs, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Detachment helps us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

Detachment is simply a means of separating ourselves from the adverse effects another person’s problems can have on our lives.

wishing you peace and strength

cheeseandrice

justam wrote:

My advice, if you didn't have the kids to worry about, would be to stop having any contact with him at all. Some people should just be avoided entirely!!

You're in a tough spot because you don't want to cut the children off from their father and you need his help caring for them.

Perhaps limit the time you spend with him to drop-offs and pick-ups and keep phone conversations quick and unrevealing so there's nothing he can pick on you for?

That's the best advice I can give you for now.

Exactly what I did and it worked. He eventually met someone and left me alone and moved 500 miles away. Sometimes, though, it's really easy to push your buttons talking on the telephone. So make it short and sweet or let the kids answer the phone instead. My kids are teenagers now and I don't have to talk to him at all. It's been 3 years.

Laisa Vedder

one thing i can tell u for sure is that no bad situation can last forever and one day things will get better. Just don´t let anyone put u down...anywone
be yourself, deffend your interests, fight for the children, but don´t no one makes u feel that u r a trash....
i´v been through some bad situation...my almost husband was cheating on me...and the girl was not that pretty...she was really ugly...imagine my self esteem...it was over the ground...deeply...well i can tell u that i´m not feeling totally alright....but i know someday it will pass...and who lost?? not me...defnitly
Just step up for whats really important tor u....´cause that´s what really matters! U and your 4 beautifull children!

Take care..and don´t bother if some words are wrong....i´m from brazil...so still learning....always learning

writersu

I am sitting here numb and crying. I feel so empty and I need to do everything I can so that I don't get more fucked up and then all the people involved would feel so happy and justified you know.

My kids have hurt me (well the one, but he is back now) but I have to remember that he is just a kid still and that they react without thinking. I asked him today that in the future if it is something like not wanting to clean his room if he will just talk to me about it and not include his dad. I told him that a whole day got ruined because of him not wanting to clean his room and that it was out of control. My phone is totally broken and I can't even get the pix I took of my vacation with the kids on my own last summer back. They are lost.
But it is summer and I know the best revenge is happiness and besides no one wants to be around a sad sack. So, wish me luck; I am out to salvage my day..............I'll let you know what happens. thanks again, I feel so much love from you guys; you've held me up in this crazy fucked up situation.

Part of me wants to say "all of you, go! live with him if you want!" but deep down I am so afraid of that possibility and also I could never initiate that ; I would be so sad.

Heineken Helen

writersu wrote:

I am sitting here numb and crying. I feel so empty and I need to do everything I can so that I don't get more fucked up and then all the people involved would feel so happy and justified you know.

My kids have hurt me (well the one, but he is back now) but I have to remember that he is just a kid still and that they react without thinking. I asked him today that in the future if it is something like not wanting to clean his room if he will just talk to me about it and not include his dad. I told him that a whole day got ruined because of him not wanting to clean his room and that it was out of control. My phone is totally broken and I can't even get the pix I took of my vacation with the kids on my own last summer back. They are lost.
But it is summer and I know the best revenge is happiness and besides no one wants to be around a sad sack. So, wish me luck; I am out to salvage my day..............I'll let you know what happens. thanks again, I feel so much love from you guys; you've held me up in this crazy fucked up situation.

Part of me wants to say "all of you, go! live with him if you want!" but deep down I am so afraid of that possibility and also I could never initiate that ; I would be so sad.

Good luck that's all I can say... you're obviously a strong person to have coped this long on your own against people like that. Keep it up! Just keep doing what you do... you can't control anything outside yourself!

writersu

Heineken Helen wrote:

Good luck that's all I can say... you're obviously a strong person to have coped this long on your own against people like that. Keep it up! Just keep doing what you do... you can't control anything outside yourself!

oh thanks Helen, I found out today from my kids that he told each of them he was going to call an attorney. That he was sick of things. The other day I had his stuff in a box because I felt after a whole year it was time to get rid of the shrine already. And I asked him where he wanted me to put his stuff and he said in the back of his trunk. So I did, and that night it rained and the stuff got wet so he blamed it on me and told me I was sick. It was his decision to tell me to put it there. It is like no matter what he acts like he is the victim. That is so fucked up; why would a man want to be the victim? I mean no one should be but a man??

another numb day, felt bad and almost groveled but then thought screw it when you want something back it should be because it is a good thing.

Still the unknown scares me............

yellowled24

My councellor gave me some good advice once, and I still use it to this very day.

When I think something negative or someone says something that upsets me, I acknowledge it, say "thanks for making yourself known" and I put it "at the back of the bus". I just picture a bus in my head and think of the comments walking up to the back of the bus and the bus keeps on driving.

Reading back after trying to explain this sounds really whacked out and strange, but it actually was the only thing that worked for me.

I hope things get better, its a shame that the guy cant just grow up for the kids sake.

Best wishes xx

Heineken Helen

writersu wrote:

Still the unknown scares me............

I know :( but hey, it's all going to be ok somehow! You just concentrate on doing a good job with your kids. If he still finds fault with you he's proving himself to be the ass that he is but at least YOU know you're doing a good job. The courts are likely to be on your side... you're the mom, the kids are already living with you. Concentrate on them cos if you start concentrating on all of this, that's when things could go wrong. Show the kids why they should WANT to live with you. Be happy and enjoy them! Don't let him fucking ruin this, you're stronger than that. The best way to piss him off is to let him see that his words don't affect you.

writersu

Heineken Helen wrote:

I know :( but hey, it's all going to be ok somehow! You just concentrate on doing a good job with your kids. If he still finds fault with you he's proving himself to be the ass that he is but at least YOU know you're doing a good job. The courts are likely to be on your side... you're the mom, the kids are already living with you. Concentrate on them cos if you start concentrating on all of this, that's when things could go wrong. Show the kids why they should WANT to live with you. Be happy and enjoy them! Don't let him fucking ruin this, you're stronger than that. The best way to piss him off is to let him see that his words don't affect you.

Oh, Helen, thanks so much. I needed tp hear that. I have been convinced for a long time that I wasn't going to be a "sad sack" and make the kids feel the heaviness of the house and the problems. I felt strong and had hope inside of me for awhile. I started school, and I just felt like the weight if someone's disappointment constantly wearing me down was free from me. I am sorry if I said this already, but I also thought that the kids and I were bonding together having those times when all we had was each other. But he shows up, offers them money, and they are so young they (well not young in age but in other ways,) and they can't figure out, "well dad was going to pay the electric and it got shut off and for 24 hours we sat in the dark", or "dad planned three vacations last year, all packed up and last minute told the kids no".
I understand that our pyche protects ourselves from the worse and that there are many times we have to be altering the truth a bit to simply survive, but you know, as much as I want my kids to be happy and I do, it hurts when they seem to always understand his mess ups and yet are so hard on me when I just want them to do homework, or clean thier rooms, or whatever. I use to want them to know just what a bastard he was so I would tell them everything he did wrong. Then I realized that they will come away from this with enough scars without my help. So if they don't notice something I do, then let that be how it is. It's not denial I figure; it's just that my requirements from a husband are different than theirs of a father and their lives are more full of other people in them and they have dreams that go beyond the here and now whereas my life is the here and now. And I am sorry but I feel like it's pretty much done dreaming.

thanks so much for being there. sorry to be a downer.

MattCameronKicksButt

writersu wrote:

as much as I want my kids to be happy and I do, it hurts when they seem to always understand his mess ups and yet are so hard on me when I just want them to do homework, or clean thier rooms, or whatever. I use to want them to know just what a bastard he was so I would tell them everything he did wrong. Then I realized that they will come away from this with enough scars without my help. So if they don't notice something I do, then let that be how it is.

I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.

writersu

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.

yeah, thanks. you know I live by this rule that is like we are all just getting through life and we all know that each of us struggle with our own certain issues, that to us, are big. And while they are a big deal, we can't let them become who we are, as in let them be the whole of our life. (does that make sense?) So, while we are rubbing shoulders with each other and trying to get by, we need to not try to trip each other up by making life harder. That's what has fucked me up so badly. He can not want to be with me, he can regret all of it, but the fact is that we have these four lives that we are responsible for to give them enough good things so they can move forward and live a healthy life free of any of OUR baggage.
the responsibility does not seem to cross his mind though. he and his family are very arrogant, blame everyone else for everything, expect others to live by rules that they do not live by and make excuses for their own lives like crazy. I love my kids though like crazy and that is all I want to do right; have said that I gave them the good stuff I could give and if I ever fucked up, it was never ever by choice. And if I knew I did, I apologize.

you guys have given me such a leg up lately. My emotions have been so ripped apart these past days and i don't want to give this "me" to my kids, so I need to heal.