My advice, if you didn't have the kids to worry about, would be to stop having any contact with him at all. Some people should just be avoided entirely!!
You're in a tough spot because you don't want to cut the children off from their father and you need his help caring for them.
Perhaps limit the time you spend with him to drop-offs and pick-ups and keep phone conversations quick and unrevealing so there's nothing he can pick on you for?
That's the best advice I can give you for now.
Exactly what I did and it worked. He eventually met someone and left me alone and moved 500 miles away. Sometimes, though, it's really easy to push your buttons talking on the telephone. So make it short and sweet or let the kids answer the phone instead. My kids are teenagers now and I don't have to talk to him at all. It's been 3 years.
I will hold the candle until it burns up my arm. I'll keep taking punches until their will grows tired. I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind. I won't change direction and I won't change my mind.
one thing i can tell u for sure is that no bad situation can last forever and one day things will get better. Just don´t let anyone put u down...anywone
be yourself, deffend your interests, fight for the children, but don´t no one makes u feel that u r a trash....
i´v been through some bad situation...my almost husband was cheating on me...and the girl was not that pretty...she was really ugly...imagine my self esteem...it was over the ground...deeply...well i can tell u that i´m not feeling totally alright....but i know someday it will pass...and who lost?? not me...defnitly
Just step up for whats really important tor u....´cause that´s what really matters! U and your 4 beautifull children!
Take care..and don´t bother if some words are wrong....i´m from brazil...so still learning....always learning
I am sitting here numb and crying. I feel so empty and I need to do everything I can so that I don't get more fucked up and then all the people involved would feel so happy and justified you know.
My kids have hurt me (well the one, but he is back now) but I have to remember that he is just a kid still and that they react without thinking. I asked him today that in the future if it is something like not wanting to clean his room if he will just talk to me about it and not include his dad. I told him that a whole day got ruined because of him not wanting to clean his room and that it was out of control. My phone is totally broken and I can't even get the pix I took of my vacation with the kids on my own last summer back. They are lost.
But it is summer and I know the best revenge is happiness and besides no one wants to be around a sad sack. So, wish me luck; I am out to salvage my day..............I'll let you know what happens. thanks again, I feel so much love from you guys; you've held me up in this crazy fucked up situation.
Part of me wants to say "all of you, go! live with him if you want!" but deep down I am so afraid of that possibility and also I could never initiate that ; I would be so sad.
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
I am sitting here numb and crying. I feel so empty and I need to do everything I can so that I don't get more fucked up and then all the people involved would feel so happy and justified you know.
My kids have hurt me (well the one, but he is back now) but I have to remember that he is just a kid still and that they react without thinking. I asked him today that in the future if it is something like not wanting to clean his room if he will just talk to me about it and not include his dad. I told him that a whole day got ruined because of him not wanting to clean his room and that it was out of control. My phone is totally broken and I can't even get the pix I took of my vacation with the kids on my own last summer back. They are lost.
But it is summer and I know the best revenge is happiness and besides no one wants to be around a sad sack. So, wish me luck; I am out to salvage my day..............I'll let you know what happens. thanks again, I feel so much love from you guys; you've held me up in this crazy fucked up situation.
Part of me wants to say "all of you, go! live with him if you want!" but deep down I am so afraid of that possibility and also I could never initiate that ; I would be so sad.
Good luck that's all I can say... you're obviously a strong person to have coped this long on your own against people like that. Keep it up! Just keep doing what you do... you can't control anything outside yourself!
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Good luck that's all I can say... you're obviously a strong person to have coped this long on your own against people like that. Keep it up! Just keep doing what you do... you can't control anything outside yourself!
oh thanks Helen, I found out today from my kids that he told each of them he was going to call an attorney. That he was sick of things. The other day I had his stuff in a box because I felt after a whole year it was time to get rid of the shrine already. And I asked him where he wanted me to put his stuff and he said in the back of his trunk. So I did, and that night it rained and the stuff got wet so he blamed it on me and told me I was sick. It was his decision to tell me to put it there. It is like no matter what he acts like he is the victim. That is so fucked up; why would a man want to be the victim? I mean no one should be but a man??
another numb day, felt bad and almost groveled but then thought screw it when you want something back it should be because it is a good thing.
Still the unknown scares me............
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
My councellor gave me some good advice once, and I still use it to this very day.
When I think something negative or someone says something that upsets me, I acknowledge it, say "thanks for making yourself known" and I put it "at the back of the bus". I just picture a bus in my head and think of the comments walking up to the back of the bus and the bus keeps on driving.
Reading back after trying to explain this sounds really whacked out and strange, but it actually was the only thing that worked for me.
I hope things get better, its a shame that the guy cant just grow up for the kids sake.
Best wishes xx
"....and was very surprised to see that he didnt actually have a recipe for anus-ankle soup." - Big Ed
I know :( but hey, it's all going to be ok somehow! You just concentrate on doing a good job with your kids. If he still finds fault with you he's proving himself to be the ass that he is but at least YOU know you're doing a good job. The courts are likely to be on your side... you're the mom, the kids are already living with you. Concentrate on them cos if you start concentrating on all of this, that's when things could go wrong. Show the kids why they should WANT to live with you. Be happy and enjoy them! Don't let him fucking ruin this, you're stronger than that. The best way to piss him off is to let him see that his words don't affect you.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I know :( but hey, it's all going to be ok somehow! You just concentrate on doing a good job with your kids. If he still finds fault with you he's proving himself to be the ass that he is but at least YOU know you're doing a good job. The courts are likely to be on your side... you're the mom, the kids are already living with you. Concentrate on them cos if you start concentrating on all of this, that's when things could go wrong. Show the kids why they should WANT to live with you. Be happy and enjoy them! Don't let him fucking ruin this, you're stronger than that. The best way to piss him off is to let him see that his words don't affect you.
Oh, Helen, thanks so much. I needed tp hear that. I have been convinced for a long time that I wasn't going to be a "sad sack" and make the kids feel the heaviness of the house and the problems. I felt strong and had hope inside of me for awhile. I started school, and I just felt like the weight if someone's disappointment constantly wearing me down was free from me. I am sorry if I said this already, but I also thought that the kids and I were bonding together having those times when all we had was each other. But he shows up, offers them money, and they are so young they (well not young in age but in other ways,) and they can't figure out, "well dad was going to pay the electric and it got shut off and for 24 hours we sat in the dark", or "dad planned three vacations last year, all packed up and last minute told the kids no".
I understand that our pyche protects ourselves from the worse and that there are many times we have to be altering the truth a bit to simply survive, but you know, as much as I want my kids to be happy and I do, it hurts when they seem to always understand his mess ups and yet are so hard on me when I just want them to do homework, or clean thier rooms, or whatever. I use to want them to know just what a bastard he was so I would tell them everything he did wrong. Then I realized that they will come away from this with enough scars without my help. So if they don't notice something I do, then let that be how it is. It's not denial I figure; it's just that my requirements from a husband are different than theirs of a father and their lives are more full of other people in them and they have dreams that go beyond the here and now whereas my life is the here and now. And I am sorry but I feel like it's pretty much done dreaming.
thanks so much for being there. sorry to be a downer.
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
as much as I want my kids to be happy and I do, it hurts when they seem to always understand his mess ups and yet are so hard on me when I just want them to do homework, or clean thier rooms, or whatever. I use to want them to know just what a bastard he was so I would tell them everything he did wrong. Then I realized that they will come away from this with enough scars without my help. So if they don't notice something I do, then let that be how it is.
I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.
I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.
yeah, thanks. you know I live by this rule that is like we are all just getting through life and we all know that each of us struggle with our own certain issues, that to us, are big. And while they are a big deal, we can't let them become who we are, as in let them be the whole of our life. (does that make sense?) So, while we are rubbing shoulders with each other and trying to get by, we need to not try to trip each other up by making life harder. That's what has fucked me up so badly. He can not want to be with me, he can regret all of it, but the fact is that we have these four lives that we are responsible for to give them enough good things so they can move forward and live a healthy life free of any of OUR baggage.
the responsibility does not seem to cross his mind though. he and his family are very arrogant, blame everyone else for everything, expect others to live by rules that they do not live by and make excuses for their own lives like crazy. I love my kids though like crazy and that is all I want to do right; have said that I gave them the good stuff I could give and if I ever fucked up, it was never ever by choice. And if I knew I did, I apologize.
you guys have given me such a leg up lately. My emotions have been so ripped apart these past days and i don't want to give this "me" to my kids, so I need to heal.
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.
I agree completely... we were all cheeky little fuckers when we were younger... I never understood why my mother couldn't just clean my room after me... what point was she trying to prove?
Point is you can't take any of this personally... kids will just be kids and alot of what they say may hurt but that's just how it is. If you keep your head and your calm during this, they WILL appreciate you! Maybe not today... but kids do notice stuff and it stays with them.
Don't worry about being a downer... you're not... you have to vent somewhere... better here, eh?
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I agree completely... we were all cheeky little fuckers when we were younger... I never understood why my mother couldn't just clean my room after me... what point was she trying to prove?
Point is you can't take any of this personally... kids will just be kids and alot of what they say may hurt but that's just how it is. If you keep your head and your calm during this, they WILL appreciate you! Maybe not today... but kids do notice stuff and it stays with them.
Don't worry about being a downer... you're not... you have to vent somewhere... better here, eh?
thanks again, Helen.
He planned a trip to his mom's summer (winter) house in Florida with the kids and I for the summer. Last year, he planned three trips and bailed on all of them. Thankfully the kids and I went away for a few days ourselves.
But now this year again, he is telling the kids that no way will he go as all of us because of me. At first, I was about to go into panic mode but after these past few days and all of the crap, I decided to no longer jump through these crazy, moving, changing hoops. It will not feel good I can assure you but it will at least hopefully allow me to gain some self respect again.
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
thanks again, Helen.
He planned a trip to his mom's summer (winter) house in Florida with the kids and I for the summer. Last year, he planned three trips and bailed on all of them. Thankfully the kids and I went away for a few days ourselves.
But now this year again, he is telling the kids that no way will he go as all of us because of me. At first, I was about to go into panic mode but after these past few days and all of the crap, I decided to no longer jump through these crazy, moving, changing hoops. It will not feel good I can assure you but it will at least hopefully allow me to gain some self respect again.
There ya go. Try not to talk bad to the kids about him also... they don't wanna hear that and will NOT thank you for it. Even if it's just explaining your side of things. Just tell them how you've done nothing to stop it and it is entirely up to him and you hoped he'd go ahead but you're disappointed... and say you'll try and make it up to them.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
There ya go. Try not to talk bad to the kids about him also... they don't wanna hear that and will NOT thank you for it. Even if it's just explaining your side of things. Just tell them how you've done nothing to stop it and it is entirely up to him and you hoped he'd go ahead but you're disappointed... and say you'll try and make it up to them.
yeah, space and time away are my owm redeaming fators here. He came around last night for my third son's birthday, (of which the son asked if we could spend it together) and before I knew it, he had totally turned the birthday celebration into a discussion about my 17 year old son's needing a new car and then got all indiginant when I said that my mom was going to go to co sign so I was too going.
Well, the seventeen went to his dad's for the night. big victory, on the cripple's part.
I am so done...................
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Well, finally after a lot of sadness, and too much craziness, I am feeling good and the house is behaving normal. The kids are with their friends doing summer things, hanging with me when they are home and the mood is a lot lighter here.
It is amazing how the weight of someone else's issues can really trip you (me) up. I know I have seen this before, from my aunt who had a horrible marriage to an alcoholic who told her she was fat and ugly (no kidding; this woman won beauty pageants in high school) so she was totally wrecked --she believed him. She ended up cracking, had a nervous breakdown, was giving those wonderful oh so healing electric shock therapy and was really too messed up to raise her kids. And the funny thing, is that I look in from the outside and say, "this guy was an awful, violent drunken loser! how could HE tell anyone what they should be?" I look at it with a detachment that allows me to see so differently what she saw. I try to look at my life as an outsider every so often. It helps me.
again, I thank you guys, for the help and the encouragement. Last year the kids and I went to Traverse City Michigan. It was an awesome vacation though only three days. Maybe we can find a place for the week that would not be a lot of money but a lot of fun. I hear that they have cabins at Traverse that are reasonable. I am looking into that, keeping the original plans open if he decides to still go (the kids want to go bad and I do miss Key West), but not having our whole life depend on it.
wish me luck.
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Drop him like a bad habit. He sounds like a complete douche, pardon my language. It sounds crass, but treat him as a business transaction if it involves transporting kids back and forth for visitation or whatever.
__________________
1998: East Troy2; East Lansing
2000: Noblesville; Auburn Hills; Chicago
2003: East Troy; Clarkston1
2004: Toledo; Grand Rapids
2006: Grand Rapids; Auburn Hills
2009: Chicago
2010: Columbus
2011: East Troy (PJ20), both
2013: Wrigley Field
2014: Detroit
Drop him like a bad habit. He sounds like a complete douche, pardon my language. It sounds crass, but treat him as a business transaction if it involves transporting kids back and forth for visitation or whatever.
yeah, I know. And I really don't feel any connection anymore; it's all been pretty much destroyed anyway............
but I look at other families with parents who are definitely not in love, still though they are mature enough to handle it for the kids and make the family a whole. I guess you can't be married by yourself though and life itself is pretty exhausting, the main thing about getting older being not to become bitter and burn out the joy of it..........who needs someone who is suppose to be on your side to make it harder, right?
I have to really get on that idealism problem I always have..........
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
good luck writersu... just take it each day at a time and go along with it.
Problem is your kids know the situation and they can use it to get whatever they want... he has the potential to ruin them. So you just keep a firm hold of things, stay strong and you'll be fine. Eyes on the prize, eh?
It's sad now that you're waiting on him to make up his mind about Key West. Find out about the cabins at Traverse though and give them a great holiday Do you think maybe you're giving him too much control? I mean, I know he's on a knife edge and seems to WANT to ruin stuff... but here you are saying you'd drop the holiday YOU book if he changes his mind about his :( making him look like the hero. I'm really tired this morning and not wording myself properly... but there has to be a way around that.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
good luck writersu... just take it each day at a time and go along with it.
Problem is your kids know the situation and they can use it to get whatever they want... he has the potential to ruin them. So you just keep a firm hold of things, stay strong and you'll be fine. Eyes on the prize, eh?
It's sad now that you're waiting on him to make up his mind about Key West. Find out about the cabins at Traverse though and give them a great holiday Do you think maybe you're giving him too much control? I mean, I know he's on a knife edge and seems to WANT to ruin stuff... but here you are saying you'd drop the holiday YOU book if he changes his mind about his :( making him look like the hero. I'm really tired this morning and not wording myself properly... but there has to be a way around that.
Thanks, Helen, and yeah you are making perfect sense..........
I guess the issue with the vacation is that the kids love the Keys; we use to go there every winter and because I am the heavy at home,( I always was; the one rule was "don't stand in front of the TV" with Dad and the only rule....) I don't want to hold this from them. It is hard because he is so immature that he says things like "If your mother says it's ok," as if I have a lot of say in things that he ends up botching anyway......
But like the one post said here about detachment, (thanks for that btw),and like you point out, I need to make plans that don't interfere with anyone else's nor can anyone else's ruin mine.
In quiet good times, when the kids aren't being manipulated by his crap, I know that they see what is happening. There a lot of times when I am here, doing all of the work, and my mind is working overtime, hating him, hating this work, and almost (I said almost.....I don't and hope I never) resenting the kids, that they will sit later on with me and they tell me in their own ways that they see all I do. That is enough of a complement although I do worry inside that they will be like him and never appreciate a woman for just her, like he learned growing up not to. I just pray for God to block that and I hope that because I am praying only the prayers that I really need answered, He blesses me for the kids' sake.
I am going to make the plans, though, like you said because I think one of the most frustrating things are when we feel powerless. You know?
Thanks again, Helen. It is amazing how many friends we make here, isn't it?
I hope you know I count you as one........
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Thanks, Helen, and yeah you are making perfect sense..........
I guess the issue with the vacation is that the kids love the Keys; we use to go there every winter and because I am the heavy at home,( I always was; the one rule was "don't stand in front of the TV" with Dad and the only rule....) I don't want to hold this from them. It is hard because he is so immature that he says things like "If your mother says it's ok," as if I have a lot of say in things that he ends up botching anyway......
But like the one post said here about detachment, (thanks for that btw),and like you point out, I need to make plans that don't interfere with anyone else's nor can anyone else's ruin mine.
In quiet good times, when the kids aren't being manipulated by his crap, I know that they see what is happening. There a lot of times when I am here, doing all of the work, and my mind is working overtime, hating him, hating this work, and almost (I said almost.....I don't and hope I never) resenting the kids, that they will sit later on with me and they tell me in their own ways that they see all I do. That is enough of a complement although I do worry inside that they will be like him and never appreciate a woman for just her, like he learned growing up not to. I just pray for God to block that and I hope that because I am praying only the prayers that I really need answered, He blesses me for the kids' sake.
I am going to make the plans, though, like you said because I think one of the most frustrating things are when we feel powerless. You know?
Thanks again, Helen. It is amazing how many friends we make here, isn't it?
I hope you know I count you as one........
Thank you of course you can. Well everything you say makes perfect sense... and yep, try and take some of the power back without arguing or making it seem like it's a power struggle. Remember, the kids live with you. You have the power to make them happy when they're with you, which is most of the time, he doesn't. Its almost tempting to say if the kids say they want to live with him, let them so they can see how bad it would be but obviously that's not a game you want to play
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
The problem is that I had gotten a lot of strength and good esteem just from myself seeing how I could take care of my kids and not have to hear daily what a disappointment I am to him. Now the strength is week and I am so mad at myself that I let myself be taken for granted again by allowing him in my life.
.
Darling- this is never a problem. Getting strength & self esteem is what life is all about. You are a good mother, and at the end of the day (or at the end of life, whichever you choose) there will be no better accomplishment in your life than to have been a good mother, even if you go on to be the one to find a cure for cancer.
Going back to school with 4 children to raise shows tremendous strength of character. That is not easy.
Relationships go up and down, as do our reactions to them. If you're in a bit of a down cycle right now, it doesn't mean this is it. Your strength will enable you to come back around.
You have the skills you need, you just have to steel yourself against the negativity and bad energy. Just dig in and deflect it.
Sounds like you are a shining example for your children. That's good work!
"If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
Darling- this is never a problem. Getting strength & self esteem is what life is all about. You are a good mother, and at the end of the day (or at the end of life, whichever you choose) there will be no better accomplishment in your life than to have been a good mother, even if you go on to be the one to find a cure for cancer.
Going back to school with 4 children to raise shows tremendous strength of character. That is not easy.
Relationships go up and down, as do our reactions to them. If you're in a bit of a down cycle right now, it doesn't mean this is it. Your strength will enable you to come back around.
You have the skills you need, you just have to steel yourself against the negativity and bad energy. Just dig in and deflect it.
Sounds like you are a shining example for your children. That's good work!
You are awesomely nice to say that to me. I always say that if anything, no matter what, at the end of my life, if my kids can say, "Mom never did anything on purpose to hurt us" and if my headstone read, "Was a good mother" (which I am not planning to be buried at that time, but I joke my kids that I had better be nice or they will bury me with a headstone and a BIG statue of the Virgin Mary...lol?)........
that will have said enough. I have seen in my life as well (like you were kind enough to point out) that the low times were really a feeding point for my soul or my writing.
I quit school when I was 17; (something I didn't want my kids to know because it was not a good decision, but their dad saw it an opportunity to use it as a means for them to say to me when I told them about school being important; but I turned it around as a real experience that I can say now is important for a lot of reasons), so when I went back this past January to the local college (thankfully I was smart enough to get my GED done when I was 19; a move that still baffles me that I actually realized that although I was a fuck up somewhat still), it was a bit fast paced. I failed my course but I refuse to let that stop me; I am determined to take it again this fall. I figure if anything, I am sure to have a leg up on the class; seeing I already went through it right?
I hope that if I teach or model anything, that it is that we all can learn from each other and that it is ok to mess up as long as we get back up and all the more fervently fight for what we want.
Thanks again. Truly.
Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Comments
Exactly what I did and it worked. He eventually met someone and left me alone and moved 500 miles away. Sometimes, though, it's really easy to push your buttons talking on the telephone. So make it short and sweet or let the kids answer the phone instead. My kids are teenagers now and I don't have to talk to him at all. It's been 3 years.
be yourself, deffend your interests, fight for the children, but don´t no one makes u feel that u r a trash....
i´v been through some bad situation...my almost husband was cheating on me...and the girl was not that pretty...she was really ugly...imagine my self esteem...it was over the ground...deeply...well i can tell u that i´m not feeling totally alright....but i know someday it will pass...and who lost?? not me...defnitly
Just step up for whats really important tor u....´cause that´s what really matters! U and your 4 beautifull children!
Take care..and don´t bother if some words are wrong....i´m from brazil...so still learning....always learning
My kids have hurt me (well the one, but he is back now) but I have to remember that he is just a kid still and that they react without thinking. I asked him today that in the future if it is something like not wanting to clean his room if he will just talk to me about it and not include his dad. I told him that a whole day got ruined because of him not wanting to clean his room and that it was out of control. My phone is totally broken and I can't even get the pix I took of my vacation with the kids on my own last summer back. They are lost.
But it is summer and I know the best revenge is happiness and besides no one wants to be around a sad sack. So, wish me luck; I am out to salvage my day..............I'll let you know what happens. thanks again, I feel so much love from you guys; you've held me up in this crazy fucked up situation.
Part of me wants to say "all of you, go! live with him if you want!" but deep down I am so afraid of that possibility and also I could never initiate that ; I would be so sad.
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
oh thanks Helen, I found out today from my kids that he told each of them he was going to call an attorney. That he was sick of things. The other day I had his stuff in a box because I felt after a whole year it was time to get rid of the shrine already. And I asked him where he wanted me to put his stuff and he said in the back of his trunk. So I did, and that night it rained and the stuff got wet so he blamed it on me and told me I was sick. It was his decision to tell me to put it there. It is like no matter what he acts like he is the victim. That is so fucked up; why would a man want to be the victim? I mean no one should be but a man??
another numb day, felt bad and almost groveled but then thought screw it when you want something back it should be because it is a good thing.
Still the unknown scares me............
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
When I think something negative or someone says something that upsets me, I acknowledge it, say "thanks for making yourself known" and I put it "at the back of the bus". I just picture a bus in my head and think of the comments walking up to the back of the bus and the bus keeps on driving.
Reading back after trying to explain this sounds really whacked out and strange, but it actually was the only thing that worked for me.
I hope things get better, its a shame that the guy cant just grow up for the kids sake.
Best wishes xx
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Oh, Helen, thanks so much. I needed tp hear that. I have been convinced for a long time that I wasn't going to be a "sad sack" and make the kids feel the heaviness of the house and the problems. I felt strong and had hope inside of me for awhile. I started school, and I just felt like the weight if someone's disappointment constantly wearing me down was free from me. I am sorry if I said this already, but I also thought that the kids and I were bonding together having those times when all we had was each other. But he shows up, offers them money, and they are so young they (well not young in age but in other ways,) and they can't figure out, "well dad was going to pay the electric and it got shut off and for 24 hours we sat in the dark", or "dad planned three vacations last year, all packed up and last minute told the kids no".
I understand that our pyche protects ourselves from the worse and that there are many times we have to be altering the truth a bit to simply survive, but you know, as much as I want my kids to be happy and I do, it hurts when they seem to always understand his mess ups and yet are so hard on me when I just want them to do homework, or clean thier rooms, or whatever. I use to want them to know just what a bastard he was so I would tell them everything he did wrong. Then I realized that they will come away from this with enough scars without my help. So if they don't notice something I do, then let that be how it is. It's not denial I figure; it's just that my requirements from a husband are different than theirs of a father and their lives are more full of other people in them and they have dreams that go beyond the here and now whereas my life is the here and now. And I am sorry but I feel like it's pretty much done dreaming.
thanks so much for being there. sorry to be a downer.
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
I think that's unfortunately what being a parent is all about. At least until your kids get older. It probably doesn't mean much now but they'll see things how they really are when they're older.
yeah, thanks. you know I live by this rule that is like we are all just getting through life and we all know that each of us struggle with our own certain issues, that to us, are big. And while they are a big deal, we can't let them become who we are, as in let them be the whole of our life. (does that make sense?) So, while we are rubbing shoulders with each other and trying to get by, we need to not try to trip each other up by making life harder. That's what has fucked me up so badly. He can not want to be with me, he can regret all of it, but the fact is that we have these four lives that we are responsible for to give them enough good things so they can move forward and live a healthy life free of any of OUR baggage.
the responsibility does not seem to cross his mind though. he and his family are very arrogant, blame everyone else for everything, expect others to live by rules that they do not live by and make excuses for their own lives like crazy. I love my kids though like crazy and that is all I want to do right; have said that I gave them the good stuff I could give and if I ever fucked up, it was never ever by choice. And if I knew I did, I apologize.
you guys have given me such a leg up lately. My emotions have been so ripped apart these past days and i don't want to give this "me" to my kids, so I need to heal.
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Point is you can't take any of this personally... kids will just be kids and alot of what they say may hurt but that's just how it is. If you keep your head and your calm during this, they WILL appreciate you! Maybe not today... but kids do notice stuff and it stays with them.
Don't worry about being a downer... you're not... you have to vent somewhere... better here, eh?
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
thanks again, Helen.
He planned a trip to his mom's summer (winter) house in Florida with the kids and I for the summer. Last year, he planned three trips and bailed on all of them. Thankfully the kids and I went away for a few days ourselves.
But now this year again, he is telling the kids that no way will he go as all of us because of me. At first, I was about to go into panic mode but after these past few days and all of the crap, I decided to no longer jump through these crazy, moving, changing hoops. It will not feel good I can assure you but it will at least hopefully allow me to gain some self respect again.
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
yeah, space and time away are my owm redeaming fators here. He came around last night for my third son's birthday, (of which the son asked if we could spend it together) and before I knew it, he had totally turned the birthday celebration into a discussion about my 17 year old son's needing a new car and then got all indiginant when I said that my mom was going to go to co sign so I was too going.
Well, the seventeen went to his dad's for the night. big victory, on the cripple's part.
I am so done...................
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
It is amazing how the weight of someone else's issues can really trip you (me) up. I know I have seen this before, from my aunt who had a horrible marriage to an alcoholic who told her she was fat and ugly (no kidding; this woman won beauty pageants in high school) so she was totally wrecked --she believed him. She ended up cracking, had a nervous breakdown, was giving those wonderful oh so healing electric shock therapy and was really too messed up to raise her kids. And the funny thing, is that I look in from the outside and say, "this guy was an awful, violent drunken loser! how could HE tell anyone what they should be?" I look at it with a detachment that allows me to see so differently what she saw. I try to look at my life as an outsider every so often. It helps me.
again, I thank you guys, for the help and the encouragement. Last year the kids and I went to Traverse City Michigan. It was an awesome vacation though only three days. Maybe we can find a place for the week that would not be a lot of money but a lot of fun. I hear that they have cabins at Traverse that are reasonable. I am looking into that, keeping the original plans open if he decides to still go (the kids want to go bad and I do miss Key West), but not having our whole life depend on it.
wish me luck.
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
1998: East Troy2; East Lansing
2000: Noblesville; Auburn Hills; Chicago
2003: East Troy; Clarkston1
2004: Toledo; Grand Rapids
2006: Grand Rapids; Auburn Hills
2009: Chicago
2010: Columbus
2011: East Troy (PJ20), both
2013: Wrigley Field
2014: Detroit
yeah, I know. And I really don't feel any connection anymore; it's all been pretty much destroyed anyway............
but I look at other families with parents who are definitely not in love, still though they are mature enough to handle it for the kids and make the family a whole. I guess you can't be married by yourself though and life itself is pretty exhausting, the main thing about getting older being not to become bitter and burn out the joy of it..........who needs someone who is suppose to be on your side to make it harder, right?
I have to really get on that idealism problem I always have..........
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Problem is your kids know the situation and they can use it to get whatever they want... he has the potential to ruin them. So you just keep a firm hold of things, stay strong and you'll be fine. Eyes on the prize, eh?
It's sad now that you're waiting on him to make up his mind about Key West. Find out about the cabins at Traverse though and give them a great holiday
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Thanks, Helen, and yeah you are making perfect sense..........
I guess the issue with the vacation is that the kids love the Keys; we use to go there every winter and because I am the heavy at home,( I always was; the one rule was "don't stand in front of the TV" with Dad and the only rule....) I don't want to hold this from them. It is hard because he is so immature that he says things like "If your mother says it's ok," as if I have a lot of say in things that he ends up botching anyway......
But like the one post said here about detachment, (thanks for that btw),and like you point out, I need to make plans that don't interfere with anyone else's nor can anyone else's ruin mine.
In quiet good times, when the kids aren't being manipulated by his crap, I know that they see what is happening. There a lot of times when I am here, doing all of the work, and my mind is working overtime, hating him, hating this work, and almost (I said almost.....I don't and hope I never) resenting the kids, that they will sit later on with me and they tell me in their own ways that they see all I do. That is enough of a complement although I do worry inside that they will be like him and never appreciate a woman for just her, like he learned growing up not to. I just pray for God to block that and I hope that because I am praying only the prayers that I really need answered, He blesses me for the kids' sake.
I am going to make the plans, though, like you said because I think one of the most frustrating things are when we feel powerless. You know?
Thanks again, Helen. It is amazing how many friends we make here, isn't it?
I hope you know I count you as one........
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Darling- this is never a problem. Getting strength & self esteem is what life is all about. You are a good mother, and at the end of the day (or at the end of life, whichever you choose) there will be no better accomplishment in your life than to have been a good mother, even if you go on to be the one to find a cure for cancer.
Going back to school with 4 children to raise shows tremendous strength of character. That is not easy.
Relationships go up and down, as do our reactions to them. If you're in a bit of a down cycle right now, it doesn't mean this is it. Your strength will enable you to come back around.
You have the skills you need, you just have to steel yourself against the negativity and bad energy. Just dig in and deflect it.
Sounds like you are a shining example for your children. That's good work!
You are awesomely nice to say that to me. I always say that if anything, no matter what, at the end of my life, if my kids can say, "Mom never did anything on purpose to hurt us" and if my headstone read, "Was a good mother" (which I am not planning to be buried at that time, but I joke my kids that I had better be nice or they will bury me with a headstone and a BIG statue of the Virgin Mary...lol?)........
that will have said enough. I have seen in my life as well (like you were kind enough to point out) that the low times were really a feeding point for my soul or my writing.
I quit school when I was 17; (something I didn't want my kids to know because it was not a good decision, but their dad saw it an opportunity to use it as a means for them to say to me when I told them about school being important; but I turned it around as a real experience that I can say now is important for a lot of reasons), so when I went back this past January to the local college (thankfully I was smart enough to get my GED done when I was 19; a move that still baffles me that I actually realized that although I was a fuck up somewhat still), it was a bit fast paced. I failed my course but I refuse to let that stop me; I am determined to take it again this fall. I figure if anything, I am sure to have a leg up on the class; seeing I already went through it right?
I hope that if I teach or model anything, that it is that we all can learn from each other and that it is ok to mess up as long as we get back up and all the more fervently fight for what we want.
Thanks again. Truly.
Together we will float like angels.........
In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........