May I ask a personal question?

writersu

I am just needing some enciouragement and words of wisdom from any of you who have had a situation or known of a situation that is like mine that you can offer me something to get rid of this weight already.

I have been seperated for a year now. I have four kids with the guy and we still maintain contact because of them. We go back and forth from good contact to crap and for the most recent times it has been total crap. He was nice and then wanted to have a relationship of which I had no interest in that --so he got mad and now is a prick.

The problem is that I had gotten a lot of strength and good esteem just from myself seeing how I could take care of my kids and not have to hear daily what a disappointment I am to him. Now the strength is week and I am so mad at myself that I let myself be taken for granted again by allowing him in my life.

One of the problems is that because I am going to school again, I need to not be working full time because if I did there would be no one to watch the kids and even though he says I should work ft, when I did two winters ago, he actually called dcfs on me and when they came they saw that there was no reason for the complaint but can you imagine how messed up that was?

so here is the question. how does someone block out the negative shit we can be given by those people who are not accurate at all on their opinion of us?

sorry to unload. but I could use some advice if you will.

libragirl

Believe me you cannot let people's negative opinions affect you. I know it's easier said then done. Some people are very unhappy and they need to spread their negativity around like a disease. I would say..stay away from him but I know that is impossible because of your children. Im sorry you are in this situation.

Im sorry I can't offer any good advice. :(

PureandEasy

Keep telling yourself, you’re doing positive things (going to school, raising your kids, etc.) and realize that the negativity that he throws at you can only affect you IF YOU ALLOW it to affect you. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.

I hate to inject a PJ line here, but just keep thinking “won’t let the light escape from me, won’t let the darkness swallow me, yeah!!!”

Keep telling yourself that and his words/actions will be worthless.

and I bet once he realizes that, he'll lay off a bit as you will have succeeded in letting him know that his opinion doesn't matter when it comes to you personally

the wolf

my best advice is hire a hitman!! ( im between jobs and could use the money, dont worry it would be between just you and me )


the other option is, and this will sound shitty. USE him! get what you need from him right now, as far as help with the kids go, then ditch his sorry ass as soon as you are able to!
you have to look out for you and your kids, so if having grade A asshole around to do so is what it takes for the time being, so be it. just take comfort in knowing it is only for the time being, and that in the end you will be away from him. it will be a source of strength for you knowing all this, while he is none the wiser!!

or

re-read advice # 1

justam

My advice, if you didn't have the kids to worry about, would be to stop having any contact with him at all. Some people should just be avoided entirely!!

You're in a tough spot because you don't want to cut the children off from their father and you need his help caring for them.

Perhaps limit the time you spend with him to drop-offs and pick-ups and keep phone conversations quick and unrevealing so there's nothing he can pick on you for?

That's the best advice I can give you for now.

TrixieCat

He just keeps sounding better and better. :rolleyes:
Laughter is the best medicine. Or so my DR has told me.
Just try and see the humor in the fact that he is a FT. (<--you know the word we cannot mention)
When he throws negativity at you, throw it back with a good dose of sarcasm.
You are one of the nicest, most genuine people on here...you are better than him.
The next time he says something like this:
"You know, you really should be working fulltime while going to school"
You say:
"You know, awesome advice. Do you think the McDonald's down the street is hiring?"

And then walk away.

polaris

i would say the key is NOT to block out the negative shit but simply acknowledge it and let it's place be defined ... most of us want to deal with problems simply by hoping they go away or ignoring them ... that has never amounted to anything but short term disillusionment ...

sure, you've allowed something to happen to you that you regret - but there are reasons for that ... know that it doesn't mean that you will continue to make those mistakes and at some point you will move past this ...

MattCameronKicksButt

I wish I could be like you. Well, just from what I've read. (I don't know you of course) but it sounds like you're doing a splendid job raising your kids, doing what you feel is best for everyone.
Your ex ringing the dcfs is pretty messed up though. I expect it was really upsetting for you to do your absolute best and you get treated like this. :mad: He should be damn well grateful.

norm

writersu wrote:

so here is the question. how does someone block out the negative shit we can be given by those people who are not accurate at all on their opinion of us?

i am mine


i learned a long time ago that the only opinion of me is my opinion....


this asshat's opinion of you means nothing because he's an asshat....if this opinion bothers you, then he has won...don't let that happen

urbanhippie

Yes, you have to have contact with him cos of the kids, but is there a way you can keep this to a minimum?
When my ex started to get nasty I told him there was no way I would stop him from seeing his children, but I didn't have to let him into my home.
We meet on the doorstep, I hand over the children and the same happens when he brings them back. I don't have to let his negativity affect me and I certainly don't have to listen to his bad mouthing me in my own home.
Is there neutral territory you can meet and let him see the children without giving him the opportunity to try and beat you down?

nothingman44

some people just blow for the most part.

MattCameronKicksButt

cutback wrote:

i am mine


i learned a long time ago that the only opinion of me is my opinion....


this asshat's opinion of you means nothing because he's an asshat....if this opinion bothers you, then he has won...don't let that happen

Maybe it's me getting the wrong end of the stick again but writersu said something about 'dcfs'. I don't know what that is but I'm guessing some kind of social services? Feel free to point out if I'm wrong but if I'm right, that's awful. Threatening to try and get your kids taken away from you is much worse than someone simply using words to get to you.

norm

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

Maybe it's me getting the wrong end of the stick again but writersu said something about 'dcfs'. I don't know what that is but I'm guessing some kind of social services? Feel free to point out if I'm wrong but if I'm right, that's awful. Threatening to try and get your kids taken away from you is much worse than someone simply using words to get to you.

i was responding to what i quoted.....i really don't have the personal experience to comment on the rest

MattCameronKicksButt

cutback wrote:

i was responding to what i quoted.....i really don't have the personal experience to comment on the rest

Sorry, I shouldn't have directly quoted you.

norm

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

Sorry, I shouldn't have directly quoted you.

no apologies...and dcfs is department of children and family services

libragirl

cutback wrote:

i am mine


i learned a long time ago that the only opinion of me is my opinion....


this asshat's opinion of you means nothing because he's an asshat....if this opinion bothers you, then he has won...don't let that happen

definitely. asshat..that is funny...never heard that one before.



writersu, I know I don't know anything about you. All I know is that you seem like a very compassionate person. Don't let his opinion of you make you think less of yourself. I have been mentally abused before and it's all about power in my opinion.

writersu

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

Maybe it's me getting the wrong end of the stick again but writersu said something about 'dcfs'. I don't know what that is but I'm guessing some kind of social services? Feel free to point out if I'm wrong but if I'm right, that's awful. Threatening to try and get your kids taken away from you is much worse than someone simply using words to get to you.

no you 're right. The DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILY SERVICES.

isn't that the way we show love??????????

writersu

just hearing you tell me your honest views here helps a lot. I know you don't really know me but you do know how I treat others here and I always try so hard to show that I respect others in all ways and am genuine in this attempt.

I would like for you to post as you think of things. If you don't mind and may I also post more a it comes along?


and thanks again...............

writersu

something happened today that threw me again. I figure that if I air it out here, (thanks for letting me), then I will hopefully be able to remain calm in the am. well, remain would mean I was there , I need to get there.

my son is graduating high school tomorrow afternoon. (my eighth grader is going into high school as well, but because of his adhd and his grades they let the kids go to high school but they do not get to be on stage to graduate) and I didn't know whether we would do a party or not. I only knew that I could not have one here for two reasons...1) although I clean my house daily there are things that are breaking here that make me ashamed to have an all out party here. the money he gives me is barely enough to pay the bills but I am grateful that I can pay them. this month he shorted me $1000 of which I had wanted to use to celebrate for my son in some small but heartfelt way. I didn't want to spend all of it, but as you can imagine I was thrown off financially when he pulled that. so , right now I can't replace the things that are breaking and it breaks my heart. Maybe I clean so much because at least that is a statement of my love and appreciation of my home and my kids. I keep praying that if I treat my home now as if it was a mansion, then maybe God will bless me with the ability to fix the broken things.
2) the village is digging a huge hole in the yard to put in a sewer system. So even the outside is not going to work for now. and the pool will have to wait to be set up until the mud is gone after te sewer is put in.

ok here is the point. my ex planned a breakfast for my son, and even called my mother and sister, both of whom are a bit off and have always found an angle to blame me for things no matter what they were.

after he planned the whole thing, and I asked him about it, he said, "well you could come.."
trick bag..don't go and miss an opportunity to celebrate with my son although they will be staring daggers at me and I will be nervous

or go and feel out of place

I keep telling myself it is for my son and that if I don't go they wil plus double whammy they get to talk about what a petty thing that was to do even though they would know the truth..
advice??

urbanhippie

If it was me, I would go and hold my head up high in the knowledge I'll be there for my son. I think your son would appreciate you being there. In the end it's up to you to decide.
If you really don't feel you can go then maybe you could plan something small for just the family? A family meal or a small day out to celebrate? It doesn't have to be a fuss, just tell your son how proud of him you are.

Whizbang

cutback wrote:

i am mine


i learned a long time ago that the only opinion of me is my opinion....


this asshat's opinion of you means nothing because he's an asshat....if this opinion bothers you, then he has won...don't let that happen

damn straight!

writersu - do you like yourself? the woman you've become? do you like where "she" is going in life and who "she's" aiming to be? Is "she" someone you're proud of for you kids' sakes? If so, then as cutback has said, your opinion is the only one that counts.

I watched my mom go through being a single parent. She put herself through school nights, worked full time during the day. Granted my dad didn't pull the shit you ex is but my parents didn't talk much at all (good or bad? I don't know). I'm not sure how old your kids are but I was 7 when my parents split...I have an older brother and sister too. They were there for me after school and my mom home a couple hours later. It wasn't easy and we all missed on some time with my mom but we grew up watching her bust her ass to make a better life for us and herself. For me, she the epitome of a role model and one of my best friends. Your kids might not understand that the time you're investing in yourself now benefits their family unit with you.

As silly as it may seem, if you like the woman you see in the mirror every morning, then the rest of the day is easy to handle.

writersu

Whizbang wrote:

damn straight!



thanks. yeah, I try to but the negative energy is exhausting sometimes. I fight all of the time to keep myself above water and not give in to someone else's fucked up view of me. sometime ago, I realized that living with my tail between legs is just an invite for others to kick me.

here is my fave poem.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.



Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

triangleman12

writersu wrote:

Whizbang wrote:

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Desiderata I live by this verse, these words have helped me through some tough times. As for the breakfast your ex is throwing . . . my advice is to go and hold her head up HIGH!!! If you don't go, he'll just use that as a weapon against you. I don't know the circumstance with your mom and sister and I hope I'm not stepping out of line here, it's not my intention. But based on my own experience, assholes are assholes, regardless of who they are or if they're related to you. I've written my grandparents off a few months ago and I'm on the verge of writting off my father. Do I feel bad, yes a little. But their actions brought it on themself

MattCameronKicksButt

I just wanted to... I don't know, wish you luck? Everyone here has good advice but I don't have any... just because I'm not good at giving advice.

I suppose I can just imagine how nervous and depressed this is making you feel. So... *hugs* for you.

Heineken Helen

triangleman12 wrote:

writersu wrote:

Desiderata I live by this verse, these words have helped me through some tough times. As for the breakfast your ex is throwing . . . my advice is to go and hold her head up HIGH!!! If you don't go, he'll just use that as a weapon against you. I don't know the circumstance with your mom and sister and I hope I'm not stepping out of line here, it's not my intention. But based on my own experience, assholes are assholes, regardless of who they are or if they're related to you. I've written my grandparents off a few months ago and I'm on the verge of writting off my father. Do I feel bad, yes a little. But their actions brought it on themself

I agree. Thankfully I know nothing of your situation writersu but I think we've all had experiences of people putting us down... or of family situations like that. The only one I can compare was my grandmothers funeral... which I went to, despite the fact most of my mothers family hate me. I went to say my own personal goodbye... not for them... and I DID get some of the closure that I needed. I held my head high and came away with even more dignity... same CANNOT be said for them. You go for your son. Sounds like you've done a great job for him... he's graduating... he sounds like he's old enough that you can explain the situation about the house and not wanting to invite people back there. Who knows, maybe he'll say he doesn't mind? It is his day after all and people really don't care about the state of the house... maybe do a cheap buffet and have plenty of drink... but just keep in mind that the day is about your son and any attempts by the dad or his family to fuck that up... remind THEM about that too... and this will make you look good

whatever you do, good luck... and fuck the dad, it's not about him.

DeLukin

I also have 4 kids and I tell them over and over the same thing: You can't let people's opinion of you affect how you feel about yourself. It's more important to like yourself than it is to be liked. I've spent a lot of life walking alone rather than playing the games that people play with each other and I gotta say it's definitely made me stronger and more aware of how negative energy in relationships is like a cancer. So my advice would be do what you feel is the right thing and don't let anyone change how you feel about it. In the end, your responsibility is to your kids. If you're true to them, then eff the world...

writersu

thanks to all of you for your strength. today I am sending this to you becasue I am so upset I can't believe this happened.
Today was a horrible day and I have already pm'd this twice s please forgive me copying this text, I am so sad I can cry but I am afraid thatg if I do, he wins again.

the most hurtful fucked up thing happened to me today. I had my kids cleaning their rooms for summer (like changing the closet over from winter to summer) and my 16 year old, who I have been getting long with great lately, got mad because he didn't want to clean his room. Things got messed up, and he swore at me. I got in his face and said that he had better not disrespect me anymore and that he had better clean his room. I left the room and he texted his father telling him that he was getting hit by me. his father called the police and they came. they talked to me and to all of the kids and then my son came out with my phone and he threw it on the ground and broke it. They took him by the arm, and he said, "what the fuck?" and they put him in the car and took him off. after the cops talked to him he had the nerve to say that he didn't want to go home with me and instead he wanted to go with his father. He will have peer jury and his father is the one responsible for it.
My sister who has gotten on my (soon to be?) ex's side called me yelling at me telling me that I am going to lose my kids.I am so sad. I did nothing to get this to happen. I can't believe that the whole day has been so horrible. I want to have a good night but my mood is so nervous now.


sorry to unload. any thoughts?[/quote]

MattCameronKicksButt

su, I'm SO sorry. I don't know what to say.

I suppose that your worst fear has already happened now so you can only go up from here.

Heineken Helen

Oh my god, I am so sorry at least the police seem to believe you so it doesn't look like your kids will be taken away. I really don't know what to say... all I know is that getting the police involved in family situations is ridiculous and can make things much worse than they actually are. This guy is dangerous... you need to get away from him somehow!

libragirl

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I probably have no right to say this but I think it's horrible that your sister is siding with your Ex.

corduroid

I am in a similar situation with my ex, which has not escalted as far as yours - my heart truly goes out to you and those kids. What a nightmare.

A while ago the kids' counselor gave me a handout to help deal with their mom's behavior. It may sound trite here given how crazed your situation has become, but I'll share it anyhow in hope that it offers some support.

DETACHMENT

One person’s problem (be it addiction, mental illness, etc) can become a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else’s problem is devastating for many people to bear without help.

We need to learn that we are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves.

WE MUST LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink or use drugs, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Detachment helps us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

Detachment is simply a means of separating ourselves from the adverse effects another person’s problems can have on our lives.

wishing you peace and strength