Divorce family protocol?

CHANGEinWAVES

over

eyedclaar

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

So I'm on my way to a divorce, as some of u know...husband left 9 months ago. He and I have minimal contact to take care of selling the house and other things. My bday just passed and I got a call from him where he mentioned a happy bday, but I heard nothing from his family. I actually haven't head from his family in months. Now today I get a call from his aunt asking to get together and possibly help her with a remodel. Also my 'husbands' 30th bday is on monday.

So my questions are:
Do I call back his aunt and meet up with her?
Do I get him a gift for his bday?
Do my parents call or get him a gift for his bday?

These may be simple questions but as this is my first time ever thrown into this sort of situation I am at a loss of what's the 'right' thing to do.

The right thing to do (for me) was sever each and every tie and never see or talk to that person or their family ever again. But that's me for ya'!

Black Diamond

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

So I'm on my way to a divorce, as some of u know...husband left 9 months ago. He and I have minimal contact to take care of selling the house and other things. My bday just passed and I got a call from him where he mentioned a happy bday, but I heard nothing from his family. I actually haven't head from his family in months. Now today I get a call from his aunt asking to get together and possibly help her with a remodel. Also my 'husbands' 30th bday is on monday.

So my questions are:
Do I call back his aunt and meet up with her?
Do I get him a gift for his bday?
Do my parents call or get him a gift for his bday?

These may be simple questions but as this is my first time ever thrown into this sort of situation I am at a loss of what's the 'right' thing to do.

BTW, Happy B-day!

If he got you a present, I see no harm. If not, there is no reason for you to do that.

Do you want to call the Aunt back? If so, I see no harm.

I do not think your parents should send a gift.

This all my opinions. When I got the divorce I had very very small contact with my ex and none with her family.

humanlight

I just went through a divorce as well. However, my family lives 2 hours from his, and they never talked anyway. However, I left 2 weeks before his birthday and I sent him a txt message. I didn't get him a gift b/c he would have thought it was a way I was trying to make up with him. I think you just have to tear the band-aid off. A call to say happy bday is appropriate if you are still friendly, but I belive gift giving makes it too complicated.

As for his Aunt, that would depend on that situation. If you and she had a good relationship before, then go ahead and help her. But i would think about why she is wanting YOUR help. Is she going to talk to you about the divorce, will she try to talk you into being together again, etc. If you believe this is the case, I would just tell her it is too hard right now for you to be around his family.

As for your parents...I would tell them, if they wanted to send a card, then okay, but gifts seem to personal, and right now you are not trying to be that.

_Crazy_Mary_

1. Call the aunt back if you want to
2. Don't get him a gift for his birthday. Why would you?
3. What your parents do is their business and should have nothing to do with you. If they want to get him a gift, they can. You shouldn't be involved in any way.

humanlight

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

1. Call the aunt back if you want to
2. Don't get him a gift for his birthday. Why would you?
3. What your parents do is their business and should have nothing to do with you. If they want to get him a gift, they can. You shouldn't be involved in any way.

Excellent Advice!

CHANGEinWAVES

humanlight wrote:

As for his Aunt... But i would think about why she is wanting YOUR help. Is she going to talk to you about the divorce, will she try to talk you into being together again, etc. .

Yeah I was wondering if it's something along these lines...odd though since he's the one who ended the marriage. But seriously I wouldn't put it past her.

answers are fatal

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

So I'm on my way to a divorce, as some of u know...husband left 9 months ago. He and I have minimal contact to take care of selling the house and other things. My bday just passed and I got a call from him where he mentioned a happy bday, but I heard nothing from his family. I actually haven't head from his family in months. Now today I get a call from his aunt asking to get together and possibly help her with a remodel. Also my 'husbands' 30th bday is on monday.

So my questions are:
Do I call back his aunt and meet up with her?
Do I get him a gift for his bday?
Do my parents call or get him a gift for his bday?

These may be simple questions but as this is my first time ever thrown into this sort of situation I am at a loss of what's the 'right' thing to do.

OK ...
1.) dont meet up with his aunt...shes just calling u so u can help her remodel? not worth it
2.) ARE U JOKING ME?! dont get him anything for his birthday.
3.) Tell your parents not to get him a gift either. hes not the same person that they knew. they should text him, not call him if they REALLY want to say happy birthday that badly

CHANGEinWAVES

answers are fatal wrote:

OK ...
2.) ARE U JOKING ME?! dont get him anything for his birthday.
3.) Tell your parents not to get him a gift either. hes not the same person that they knew. they should text him, not call him if they REALLY want to say happy birthday that badly

U crack me up! Just a few months ago u were lovin this man! Ahhh so was I....such fools we were;):p

PJPixie

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, but life goes on and things fall into place, as they should.

the wolf

1. whatever you feel is right.
2. fuck him and his bday. a short and simple text maybe, no gift.
3. up to them, i would ask them to not make any contact though.

4. (not that you asked ) FUCK HIM !

CHANGEinWAVES

the wolf wrote:

4. (not that you asked ) FUCK HIM !

U always give me more advise then I ask for...but its ok cause its good advise:D

g under p

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

So I'm on my way to a divorce, as some of u know...husband left 9 months ago. He and I have minimal contact to take care of selling the house and other things. My bday just passed and I got a call from him where he mentioned a happy bday, but I heard nothing from his family. I actually haven't head from his family in months. Now today I get a call from his aunt asking to get together and possibly help her with a remodel. Also my 'husbands' 30th bday is on monday.

So my questions are:
Do I call back his aunt and meet up with her?
Do I get him a gift for his bday?
Do my parents call or get him a gift for his bday?

These may be simple questions but as this is my first time ever thrown into this sort of situation I am at a loss of what's the 'right' thing to do.

I went through a divorce 8 yrs ago and things change quickly during that process. Don't be surprised as to there being ulterior motives behind your husband's call of words on your bday. He may have realized his mistake and is trying to limit damage (how things are split up, no children I hope) as the divorce moves through the courts.

To your questions:

Give a call for his birthday to keep things amicable

Do call the Aunt but ask questions in detail as to what this remodel really entails. You can make a call as to what she truly wants the more you know the better and stay on your gaurd.

If he did not give you a gift, you do not need to give him a gift. However you're a better judge of the situation than any of us cause you're living it. Giving a gift might encourage him into thinking there's something left in your marriage.

Parents absolutely not keep them out of this by all means. They were not the ones who married your husband, you did .

Keep us updated and yes good luck, divorce is not an easy to go through alone.

Peace

writersu

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

So I'm on my way to a divorce, as some of u know...husband left 9 months ago. He and I have minimal contact to take care of selling the house and other things. My bday just passed and I got a call from him where he mentioned a happy bday, but I heard nothing from his family. I actually haven't head from his family in months. Now today I get a call from his aunt asking to get together and possibly help her with a remodel. Also my 'husbands' 30th bday is on monday.

So my questions are:
Do I call back his aunt and meet up with her?
Do I get him a gift for his bday?
Do my parents call or get him a gift for his bday?

These may be simple questions but as this is my first time ever thrown into this sort of situation I am at a loss of what's the 'right' thing to do.

OK, fellow newly single woman; I have been seperated for a year and a half and we have just begun to see our seperate attornies. So, I think I understand your dilemma as to just how you now behave toward each other and your other family members, etc.

As for his aunt, I think you would probably be able to answer the question as you consider the following things;
a) are the two of you seperating as adults, (by which I mean) don't feel the need to rally all those who will listen to your side to paint a bad portrayal of each other? and do you maybe feel that by encouraging these relationships are you dismissing the actual event of the relationship ending? because unless you are none of the above, it would be hard for me to still have relations with the ex family..........
b) ok, so unless you think maybe the two of you will reconcile or that you maybe still love him, why would you get him a gift? buy yourself a nice treat instead if money isn't an issue.
c) parents are suppose to support you in your decisions, and I know they may be nice people who want to do the right thing, getting him a gift would be inappropriate for an ex son in law.

these are the things I would advise.......you, are of course, the best judge of what to do in your life. but, I know, I have asked things here as well, so I get the dilemma you face.

but I can't help but wonder if you are thinking of these things, are you in love still or hoping for a second chance with him?

food for thought????????????

mammasan

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

So I'm on my way to a divorce, as some of u know...husband left 9 months ago. He and I have minimal contact to take care of selling the house and other things. My bday just passed and I got a call from him where he mentioned a happy bday, but I heard nothing from his family. I actually haven't head from his family in months. Now today I get a call from his aunt asking to get together and possibly help her with a remodel. Also my 'husbands' 30th bday is on monday.

So my questions are:
Do I call back his aunt and meet up with her?
Do I get him a gift for his bday?
Do my parents call or get him a gift for his bday?

These may be simple questions but as this is my first time ever thrown into this sort of situation I am at a loss of what's the 'right' thing to do.

Cut all ties. When my ex and I divorced I didn't call her family on birthdays and they didn't call mine. Between her and I it's different because we have kids so she buys presents or them to give to and I do the same but we don't exchange anything between the two if us.

CHANGEinWAVES

writersu wrote:

but I can't help but wonder if you are thinking of these things, are you in love still or hoping for a second chance with him?

food for thought????????????

Oh no!!!! That's the last thing on my mind...however, my parents are still in love with him:(

CHANGEinWAVES

BeerBaron wrote:

That's a tough one :(

But your parents surely have to understand that in order for you to move on with things, they can't keep a relationship with him. That's just life as much as they may not like it.

That's easier said then done for them...they became very attached to him, even made him the deciding person in my grandmother's will for her to stay on life support or not, because of his 'medical' background!(Which of course will be changed now) my parents are more hurt by him then me I believe and secretly wish for us to get back together...this I'm sure of. Even when I was dating another guy they had a hard time accepting that my life and theirs will be void of my 'husband'...my dad especially:(

justam

One of my step dad's was very close with my aunt and uncle. And, in fact, more than twenty years after my mom divorced him, they are still closer to my old step-dad (who NO ONE ELSE speaks to!) than they are to my mom or me and my sister. It's not very good for the family.

It probably would be better for everyone if you asked them to separate from him too.

Thorns2010

the wolf wrote:

4. (not that you asked ) FUCK HIM !

Wait wait wait.....figuratively? Or literally??

CHANGEinWAVES

Thorns2010 wrote:

Wait wait wait.....figuratively? Or literally??

Oh lord I hope he means figuratively!!!

PJPixie

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

That's easier said then done for them...they became very attached to him, even made him the deciding person in my grandmother's will for her to stay on life support or not, because of his 'medical' background!(Which of course will be changed now) my parents are more hurt by him then me I believe and secretly wish for us to get back together...this I'm sure of. Even when I was dating another guy they had a hard time accepting that my life and theirs will be void of my 'husband'...my dad especially:(

Time will change these things. Focus on YOU right now

writersu

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

Oh no!!!! That's the last thing on my mind...however, my parents are still in love with him:(

ok, then.......

idk,.....it is so hard sometimes to be able to stand firm on what you are doing despite others' opinions of someone that are different than your own.

I understand that it is a better thing to be an adult and let your parents behave any way that they want to toward your ex, but I am old fashioned in the sense that if someone hurts me, then I would expect my family to hate them for me. childish, and not right, I am sure, but I guess if my own blood doesn't care that someone hurt me, then I feel like I am standing alone.

and btw, I totally have done that many times until my mom and sister finally saw for themselves what my soon to be ex was doing to my kids and I. But they didn't see it from me, they had to see it themselves as they watched him let down the kids and see how he was behaving, etc.

this sucks, I know. I wish that people didn't change in ways that are bad, but they do.

I hope this helps, all of us somehow.............

the wolf

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

Oh no!!!! That's the last thing on my mind...however, my parents are still in love with him:(

i told you, just tell your parents really really bad things about him.

tell them he likes sex with midgets or something.

writersu

the wolf wrote:

i told you, just tell your parents really really bad things about him.

tell them he likes sex with midgets or something.

or he found your dad rather hot.........


sorry,...............

CHANGEinWAVES

writersu wrote:

or he found your dad rather hot.........


sorry,...............

Well my dad does have a pretty nice 'stache that the hubby was jealous of since he couldn't really grow one!;)

mickeyrat

what was the relationship with his family?Would you have called them up or helped out JUST because you were married to their relative?

I think if you came to care for these(his) people then help the aunt out.
It was said somewhere you divorce the spouse not the family.

My wife has kept in contact with CERTAIN members of her ex's family and now actually has a better relationship without the dickhead around.

Did I type that outloud?

Seriously though why deny yourself the value of good people in your life if they are in fact good people.

Your parents to gift or not is their decision.Make your feelings knownto them and respect their choice. whether you agree or not.

Just my thoughts.

urbanhippie

I have been unable to sever all ties with my ex because of our children, but I think in this case you have to do whats right for YOU. If you think it would be easier then keep the distance. It's my ex mother in laws birthday today and I haven't got her a present or called. Lets face it, the last person she wants to hear from today is me.

I know some people who have good relationships with ex's and their families but in my experience it's few and far between.

CHANGEinWAVES

Oops!! His birthday is Sunday not Monday! Hahaha that would of answered all questions if it had seemed like I ignored it! :eek: woulda been slightly humorous though!

writersu

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

Well my dad does have a pretty nice 'stache that the hubby was jealous of since he couldn't really grow one!;)

See?????? but I am not sure what would be worse; a guy leaving you for a girl or a guy leaving you for a guy.........

I know this is not the case here ( at least you never said it was----I don't think..........), but that would gross me out to find out my husband.....well a husband you were still having sex with, decided you aren't cutting it and he needs a bit "more".........


gross........

CHANGEinWAVES

writersu wrote:

See?????? but I am not sure what would be worse; a guy leaving you for a girl or a guy leaving you for a guy.........

I know this is not the case here ( at least you never said it was----I don't think..........), but that would gross me out to find out my husband.....well a husband you were still having sex with, decided you aren't cutting it and he needs a bit "more".........


gross........

Funny (or sad) thing is that when he told me there was 'something' going on that he had kept from me (meaning the drug abuse) I seriously asked him if he was gay! :eek:

Black Diamond

How did everything go today?