Phantom's All Joke Thread !

whispering hands

ok.. sorry to all the men, but I think you'll laugh at this one too.. it's my very favorite ever!!

How's a man like a snowstorm?

1. you never know when he's gonna show up..
2. you never know how long he's gonna last...
3. you NEVER know how many inches you're going to get!

ok and one more..
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb??
You can un-screw a light bulb!!

I'd post my other favorite but it's totally off-color, and long..

ZiggyStar

My dad sent me this today....made me chuckle.


A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Lizard

Good one, Ziggy.

I read this one on the Porch during that F5 fiasco: I KNOW IT LOOKS LONG BUT READ IT ANYWAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man lives out in a remote farmhouse, miles from the nearest city, with his wife. One night, about 3 a.m., there is a knock on the door. The man crawls out of bed to investigate. There is a disheveled-looking man standing on the front porch.

"I need a push," the visitor says.
The homeowner says, "Look, mister, I'd love to help you, but it's 3 a.m. There's nothing I can do for you right now. Come back in the morning."

The man climbs back into bed and goes to sleep.

Half an hour later, there's another knock. It's the same man.

"I need a push."

Now, the farmer is getting a little irritated. "I told you. You need to come back in the morning. I can't help you tonight."

The man crawls back into bed and tells his wife the story. His wife is horrified at her husband.

"You know what the Bible says about helping those in need. He's probably stranded. He's got nowhere to go."

So the farmer climbs back down the stairs and opens the door. Seeing nobody on the front porch, he calls into the darkness.

"You still out there?" he says.

A voice calls back: "Yes! I'm here!"

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes!"

"Well, where are you. I can't see you!"

"I'm on the swing set ...."

SPEEDY MCCREADY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPHVuuVq1QE

rollings

:? When's the best time of day to have a dentist appointment?






Two-Thirty





ouch :?