They stop one night at a hotel, and the attendant at the counter says: "Well, I can give you a room...but the the only one left has just one bed..."
The men look at each other, contemplating and then soon after say "Whatever, we'll take it."
The next morning, one of them wakes up and says:
"Man, I had this dream last night that I was getting this awesome hand job!"
the second man says:
"Hey, me too!!"
The last man says:
"Huh...I just dreamed I was skiing really fast."
7/2/06 - Denver, CO
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE,
and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore
that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me
that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's
fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have
to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'
Oh my god! BAHAHA!!
7/2/06 - Denver, CO
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
The CIA was looking for a new sniper for a very special mission. They found the three best candidates from the military, police, etc.
They brought the first candidate into the interview and told him "we need to find the best and have to trust that you'll do whatever we tell you. Down the hall and through the door sits your wife. Take this gun and go shoot her in the head. Kill her."
"Oh no" he said, "I could never do that"
The interogators thanked him and sent him packing.
They brought the second guy in and told him the exact same thing: "down the hall sits your wife, take this gun and kill her."
The second guy takes the gun, stands up and starts down the hall. Just before the door he hesitates, turns around and says "oh no- I could never do that."
They thank him and send him on his way.
By this time they were getting nervous but they brought in the third guy and told him the same thing: "down the hall sits your wife, take this gun and kill her and the job is yours"
The third guy immediately stands up, takes the gun, runs down the hall, enters the room and before the door can even shut they hear three loud bangs and then a thump.
They run down the hall and find the guy stanbing over his dead wife with a chair in his hands.
"What happened?!?!" they yell
He says "why didn't you tell me the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the b**** to death with a chair!"
A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island
and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store"
looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan .'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers
a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Ford Expedition.'
The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy
Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you
should go fishing!
My drinking team has a hockey problem
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
At a comedy festival, a ventriloquist starts the show with a squeaky voice: "Hello ladies and gentlemen! We´ll start this show with a joke about rednecks!"
And a man stands up in the audience yelling, "hey asshole! Us southern folks are sick and tired of comedians like you making fun of us and shit. So if you continue I´ll get up there and kick your jewish ass!"
To what the ventriloquist replies with his normal voice, "Listen sir, this is a comedy show. No harm is intended, its just an act. I mean no....."
"I´m not talking to you, moron! I´m talking to that fucking midget on your lap!"
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
I read this one on the Porch during that F5 fiasco: I KNOW IT LOOKS LONG BUT READ IT ANYWAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man lives out in a remote farmhouse, miles from the nearest city, with his wife. One night, about 3 a.m., there is a knock on the door. The man crawls out of bed to investigate. There is a disheveled-looking man standing on the front porch.
"I need a push," the visitor says.
The homeowner says, "Look, mister, I'd love to help you, but it's 3 a.m. There's nothing I can do for you right now. Come back in the morning."
The man climbs back into bed and goes to sleep.
Half an hour later, there's another knock. It's the same man.
"I need a push."
Now, the farmer is getting a little irritated. "I told you. You need to come back in the morning. I can't help you tonight."
The man crawls back into bed and tells his wife the story. His wife is horrified at her husband.
"You know what the Bible says about helping those in need. He's probably stranded. He's got nowhere to go."
So the farmer climbs back down the stairs and opens the door. Seeing nobody on the front porch, he calls into the darkness.
"You still out there?" he says.
A voice calls back: "Yes! I'm here!"
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes!"
"Well, where are you. I can't see you!"
"I'm on the swing set ...."
So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
Comments
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs....
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
i'll admit...i thought about it
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE,
and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore
that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me
that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's
fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have
to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
They stop one night at a hotel, and the attendant at the counter says: "Well, I can give you a room...but the the only one left has just one bed..."
The men look at each other, contemplating and then soon after say "Whatever, we'll take it."
The next morning, one of them wakes up and says:
"Man, I had this dream last night that I was getting this awesome hand job!"
the second man says:
"Hey, me too!!"
The last man says:
"Huh...I just dreamed I was skiing really fast."
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
Oh my god! BAHAHA!!
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
The trash gets picked up every once in awhile!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJ7vFIjgjfM
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
I was ready for this thread to be revived!
"Good lord, what's wrong with your feet?" said the hooker.
"Oh, when I was a kid, I suffered from toelio," he told her.
The guy took off his pants. The hooker gasped.
"What happened to your legs?" she asked.
He just shrugged and said, "When I was growing up I was really sick with the kneesles."
Then he took off his underwear.
The hooker said, "OK, let me guess. You've also had a bad case of smallcox."
His dr. says "I can clearly see your nuts".
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
Probably.
I did a search for "nuts" and did not see it!!!
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
A - The one whose shirt says I-D-A-H-O
"Four score and seven years ago..."
And one girl in the class shouts out, "Abraham Lincoln"
"We Have nothing to fear but fear itself"
Another girl shouts out, "John F Kennedy"
At that point one of the boys in the class says, "I wish these bitches would shut up!!"
and another girl shouts out, "I've got it! Tiger Woods!!"
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
They brought the first candidate into the interview and told him "we need to find the best and have to trust that you'll do whatever we tell you. Down the hall and through the door sits your wife. Take this gun and go shoot her in the head. Kill her."
"Oh no" he said, "I could never do that"
The interogators thanked him and sent him packing.
They brought the second guy in and told him the exact same thing: "down the hall sits your wife, take this gun and kill her."
The second guy takes the gun, stands up and starts down the hall. Just before the door he hesitates, turns around and says "oh no- I could never do that."
They thank him and send him on his way.
By this time they were getting nervous but they brought in the third guy and told him the same thing: "down the hall sits your wife, take this gun and kill her and the job is yours"
The third guy immediately stands up, takes the gun, runs down the hall, enters the room and before the door can even shut they hear three loud bangs and then a thump.
They run down the hall and find the guy stanbing over his dead wife with a chair in his hands.
"What happened?!?!" they yell
He says "why didn't you tell me the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the b**** to death with a chair!"
Saskatchewan farm boy
A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island
and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store"
looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan .'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers
a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Ford Expedition.'
The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy
Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you
should go fishing!
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
And a man stands up in the audience yelling, "hey asshole! Us southern folks are sick and tired of comedians like you making fun of us and shit. So if you continue I´ll get up there and kick your jewish ass!"
To what the ventriloquist replies with his normal voice, "Listen sir, this is a comedy show. No harm is intended, its just an act. I mean no....."
"I´m not talking to you, moron! I´m talking to that fucking midget on your lap!"
How's a man like a snowstorm?
1. you never know when he's gonna show up..
2. you never know how long he's gonna last...
3. you NEVER know how many inches you're going to get!
ok and one more..
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb??
You can un-screw a light bulb!!
I'd post my other favorite but it's totally off-color, and long..
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
I read this one on the Porch during that F5 fiasco: I KNOW IT LOOKS LONG BUT READ IT ANYWAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man lives out in a remote farmhouse, miles from the nearest city, with his wife. One night, about 3 a.m., there is a knock on the door. The man crawls out of bed to investigate. There is a disheveled-looking man standing on the front porch.
"I need a push," the visitor says.
The homeowner says, "Look, mister, I'd love to help you, but it's 3 a.m. There's nothing I can do for you right now. Come back in the morning."
The man climbs back into bed and goes to sleep.
Half an hour later, there's another knock. It's the same man.
"I need a push."
Now, the farmer is getting a little irritated. "I told you. You need to come back in the morning. I can't help you tonight."
The man crawls back into bed and tells his wife the story. His wife is horrified at her husband.
"You know what the Bible says about helping those in need. He's probably stranded. He's got nowhere to go."
So the farmer climbs back down the stairs and opens the door. Seeing nobody on the front porch, he calls into the darkness.
"You still out there?" he says.
A voice calls back: "Yes! I'm here!"
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes!"
"Well, where are you. I can't see you!"
"I'm on the swing set ...."
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
Two-Thirty
ouch :?
:(