Phantom's All Joke Thread !

Phantom Pain

I've had a request to create an all Joke thread for many of the jokes I post on here

Feel free to add to it as you see fit

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I have one for everybody

Also, I may check some of my older threads and throw some of those jokes in here



The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door tothe freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY EARLY THANKSGIVING !!

Phantom Pain

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'


'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.

comebackwoman

Phantom Pain wrote:

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'


'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.

hahahahahahahaha Thank you for this thread! Keep em coming

eyedclaar

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night at Joe's, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, no," he said sheepishly.

"Don't lie to me. I know you did."

"How do you know?"

"Because Joe just called and said you left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Rygar

Nicely done PP!

Phantom Pain

eyedclaar wrote:

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night at Joe's, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, no," he said sheepishly.

"Don't lie to me. I know you did."

"How do you know?"

"Because Joe just called and said you left your wheelchair at the bar again."

HAHA !!!

Phantom Pain

Ever been this drunk ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o2JT9N5Un0

iamica

A man was having drinks at a bar with another man. The first man said, "There's a defective air duct in this building that's so powerful you can jump out the window and it'll carry you around the building and put you back through the window you jumped out of."
The second man said, "That's impossible. You're lying."
The first man said, "All right, I'll bet you $1,000 that if I jump out that window right now, I'll go around the building and come back in the way I went out."
The second man agreed to the bet. The first man jumped out the window, went around the entire building in mid-air, and came back in the way he went out.
After paying the first man $1,000, the second man decided to try it. He jumped out the window and fell 40 stories to his death.
The bartender shook his head at the first man. "Superman, you're really a jerk when you're drunk."

Cocaine_Nosejob

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

shaggy15

A man walked in to a psyciratrist(sorry i can't spell) office wearing nothing but surand wrap underware. The psycriratist says " i can clearly see your nuts!"

Cree Nations

Phantom Pain wrote:

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'


'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.

shaggy15

A man is lying in a hospital bed with a breathing mask. Th nurse comes in amd the man mumbles something. The nurse lifts up gis gown and says " no there all right."

At breakfest the man mumbles something and the nurse lift up his gown and says no their all right.
The samething happens at lunch. At dinner the man mumbles something and the nurse again lifts up his gown and says no they are ok.
The man then takes off his mask and says thaks for taht but i was asking if my test results are back

Cocaine_Nosejob

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

South of Seattle

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?












































Because they're ugly and they stink.

xavier mcdaniel

South of Seattle wrote:

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?












































Because they're ugly and they stink.

Isn't that something a third-grader would say before they discover girls..

South of Seattle

xavier mcdaniel wrote:

Isn't that something a third-grader would say before they discover girls..

Quite possibly

muiren77

anyone have another joke?

iamica

muiren77 wrote:

anyone have another joke?

This guy walks into a bar and says "Ow!"

Yellow Ledbelly

A skeleton walks into a bar and says...."give me a pitcher of beer and a mop."



A young blonde woman was driving through south Louisiana while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Yellow Ledbelly

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby! .
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......smack his ass again!"

Phantom Pain

Oldie but goodie...

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War
II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my
attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.

''And what is that?' asked the priest.













'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Snake

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... "bum bum chhh"

muiren77

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come
about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had
children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The
father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we
developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is
it possible that you told me that the human race was created by
God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you
about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told
you about his side.

Fender_Man

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

corduroid

A man is quietly working on the Sunday crossword in his study when the wife comes in. "Say, hon," he says. "I'm a bit stuck. Do you know a four-letter word for woman that ends in -U-N-T?"

"Hmm," says the wife "I do, yes. A-U-N-T"

"Ah ... that's it. Got an eraser?"

Linda

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dick'ead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Linda

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

pjfan31

A priest was sitting in on a confesional when he realised he needs to move his car to avoid a parking fine. He runs up to the alter boy and says 'My son, I know it is highly un-ethical but will you take my place in the confessional?" "But father, it is wrong and I would not know what to do." The preist responds "My child, just think what I would do and issue a pennance."

So the alter boy took his place in the confessional and a man comes in and says "forgive me father for I have sinned. I have been having an affair with my neighbour, I have been receiving blow jobs and anal sex" The boy jumps up and runs out of the confessional box to his alter boy friend. "What does father normally give for anal sex and blow jobs?" The other boy replies "Oh, usually a bag of chips and an ice-cream"

allmyrivals

What is an oboe good for?


Kindling for an accordion fire.

---

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?



Put a nipple on it.

nuffingman

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife pipes up with,

"Men just cannot do two things at once…" At this I interrupted and said, "actually I can."

"Give me an example," she said.

"Well, while I was banging you last night I was thinking about your friend."

Phantom Pain

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned
the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could
help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that
he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough
for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me
for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and
$3,000 a month, plus living expenses."