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Submit your favorite Chuck Norris facts

gabersgabers Posts: 2,787
edited October 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
Great Chuck Norris facts follow...

Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just the Islands.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to dress up in a “Barney” suit and visit the local
kintergardens. When the happy little children ask Chuck to sing a song he roundhouse kicks the shit out of them, removes his mask, and says, “I’m not a jukebox, you little fuckers.”

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • in_hiding79in_hiding79 Posts: 4,315
    hehehehehe

    this is funny...:)
    And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...,"
    "What a stupid lamb."
    "What a sick, masochistic lion."
  • LizardLizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake he doesn't get wet. The lake gets Chuck Norris.



    I read where someone asked him about that website and he just "didn't get it". No sense of humour i guess!!
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

    There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

    Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • Cree NationsCree Nations Posts: 2,247
    My favourite Chucky fact has to do with him losing to Bruce Lee and never being able to beat him
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

    http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians

    Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
    Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
    Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
  • gabersgabers Posts: 2,787
    dunkman wrote:
    If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

    There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

    Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

    brilliant

    these really never get old...
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

    Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

    Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

    Chuck Norris invented the apple.

    Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.



    you guys know our very own Stone Gossard has such a thread devoted to him???

    http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=247087
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • lalalalaaaaaaaalalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    The Virgin Mary had sex with Chuck Norris, but God let it slide.
  • LizardLizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    dunkman wrote:


    you guys know our very own Stone Gossard has such a thread devoted to him??? well he does.. i'll link it in a mo.

    who dat???
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • senninsennin Posts: 2,146
    Chuck Norris sanded Noah's Arc with his beard.
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    Lizard wrote:
    who dat???

    i said give me a mo!!! :D

    i linked it :cool:

    http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=247087
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • LizardLizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    - There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

    - Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

    - The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.


    and dunk..i was "trying" to be funny. flopped
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • booomm11booomm11 Posts: 865
    At all times Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
    being so KiND.. tO LEt me RiDe!!!
  • lalalalaaaaaaaalalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    When Freddy Kruger falls asleep, Chuck Norris kills him in his dreams.
  • Bwalker545Bwalker545 Posts: 162
    There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
    "Almost unconsciously he traced with his finger in the dust on the table: 2+2=5" 1984
  • Strangest TribeStrangest Tribe Posts: 2,502
    When Chuck Norris was a kid at Halloween he dressed up as Chuck Norris, even though everyone knew he was little Chuck Norris everyone was still afraid.

    The words "Chuck Norris" are the only two words that translate into all universal languages. Bushmen still don't recognize Coca-Cola.

    I will delete this post soon... out of fear.... that Chuck Norris will find it.
    the Minions
  • OttOtt Posts: 403
    Chuck Norris doesn't teabag people, he potato sacks them.

    As a kid, we all had a pair of Superman underoos. Superman had a pair of Chuck Norris underoos.
    'Give me some music; music, moody food/ of us that trade in love'
    -Shakespeare
  • Flannel ShirtFlannel Shirt Posts: 1,021
    chuck norris got in a knife fight and the knife lost.
    All that's sacred, comes from youth....dedications, naive and true.
  • AnonAnon Posts: 11,175
    When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris does not get wet - the water gets Chuck Norris

    :D
  • aspoonfulweighsatonaspoonfulweighsaton Posts: 2,055
    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's not pushing himself up - he's pushing the earth down
  • patrickredeyespatrickredeyes Posts: 8,834
    Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  • blackredyellowblackredyellow Posts: 5,889
    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

    Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
    My whole life
    was like a picture
    of a sunny day
    “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
    ― Abraham Lincoln
  • PaperPlatesPaperPlates Posts: 1,745
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. EVER

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

    Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.

    Chuck Norris' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Noone fools Chuck Norris.

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    Why go home

    www.myspace.com/jensvad
  • PJSerfPJSerf Posts: 637
    The original title for the Bible was "Chuck Norris and Friends"
    "If you love someone, set them free... if someone loves you, don't fuck up" - EV
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    chuck norris's toilets flush whatever fucking direction he tells it to flush.

    Great thread, it is funny
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • pjsteelerfanpjsteelerfan Maryland Posts: 9,903
    chuck norris counted to infinity. twice.
    ...got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul...
  • rhinomagicrhinomagic Charlottesville, VA Posts: 2,552
    Chuck Norris shot the sheriff. Then he roundhouse-kicked the deputy.

    .
    Memphis 1994
    New Orleans 1995
    Fort Lauderdale 1996
    Atlanta & Birmingham 1998
    New Orleans 2000
    Tampa 2003
    Kissimmee 2004
    New York City (x 2) 2008
    East Troy (x 2) 2011
    Chicago & New Orleans 2013
    Hampton, Raleigh, Boston 2016
    Baltimore 2020
    Louisville 2022
    Philadelphia & Baltimore 2024
  • AllIAmAllIAm Posts: 1,309
    Chuck Norris CAN talk about Fight Club
  • robbyblaylockrobbyblaylock Posts: 428
    chuck norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

    chuck norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

    when urinating, chuck norris is capable of welding titanium.

    chuck norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. at night.

    chuck norris doesnt stub his toes. he accidently destroys chairs, bedframes and sidewalks.



    i could do this all day!!! great thread!!!
  • Vedderlution_BabyVedderlution_Baby Posts: 2,535
    Chuck Norris is a douche bag.



    That's my favorite!
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