What is your Opinion on "Breaks"

Get_Right

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

well all I know if that was the case she obviously does not love me and disrespects everything we have done for over the past five years........

I do not believe that to be necessarily true-she may truy love everything you have and have had-but feels an overwhelming need to experience other things

CityMouse

corduroy85 wrote:

Just putting off the inevitable.

people love to torture themselves and be involved in drama I guess.

corduroy85

CityMouse wrote:

people love to torture themselves and be involved in drama I guess.

A lot of them think that it makes them more alive and reenergizes somehow. They think stability is boring.

Rygar

CityMouse wrote:

people love to torture themselves and be involved in drama I guess.

And at times people also say things they don't mean.

Sian-of-the-dead

No one can tell you what you need to do in situations like this. I know it's painful, i've been there myself, but you do have to make some decisions for yourself.

How do you feel about her? If you're considering a clean break, then you know you'll get over it eventually... but waiting around is confusing you because you know you may get dumped. You need to clear your head and not get trapped into manipulating situations. If she said what she said so that it would get back to you then she's obviously very confused and possibly playing games. I know of women who torment men like this all the time, just so they can get their man to prove how much he wants her and to get some attention... I'm not saying your fiance is doing this but it is a possibilty. Another possibilty is something others have touched on, maybe she's found someone else... This could be the final straw for you. Make it clear to her that you'd rather know and get on with your life than be strung out and made to feel worthless. Again, I'm not saying that she's doing this but it's not uncommon.

A few people have said that if she questions it and needs a break, it's all over... Personally I think only you two can work that out for yourselves. Like anything, communication is the key. You don't have to be mortal enemies when you end a long term relationship, you can make it ammicable... although I understand that this would be painful for you to start with.

So what to do? What if she dumps you? Man, i'm not gonna pussy foot around, it'll hurt. I can't say for how long and to what degree but it will hurt. As much as I can guarantee it'll hurt though, I can guarantee that it willl get better. I know it sounds cliche but there's a whole world out there for you yet to discover.
So what if you stay together? You should make changes, both of you. There's obviously something lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed but you need to address it together. Compromise, let her know that you won't be manipulated but that you do love her. Start listening to each other, you might be surprised.

Either way you need to know what's going on and where you stand.

decides2dream

Get_Right wrote:

I do not believe that to be necessarily true-she may truy love everything you have and have had-but feels an overwhelming need to experience other things

agreed.


i split with my then-Bf, now husband, 2x. i won't go into the reasons, simply b/c i don't discuss such things. however, here we are.... dated off and on for 5 years, married 16 years, better/happier than ever. at the time, those 'breaks' were necessary for me, for us. yes, we might not have gotten back together, and it was a big chance to take, but it was needed. sometimes you meet the love of your life young and you just have other things you need to experience and live. i don't know, there can be so many 'reasons'....and only you can decide if it's worth it.


good luck!

clark_kent

South of Seattle wrote:

Happened to my best friend about a little over a year ago. He told me he was going to propose ( personally I don't think he was )

But she went on a vacation to Mexico with her friend. But came back with a new boyfriend who somehow was from the same town as all of us. :rolleyes:

that sucks. getting cheated on/dumped like that is bad enough, but when you're totally blindsided by it and thinking things are going great, it really does some damage. i feel for your friend and for RiC.

justam

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.

Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.

On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).

She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.

Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.

It sounds like she wants time off to date someone else but she's not sure if she'll regret letting you go.

That really doesn't sound too good for your chances of happiness in the future.

Why do you the let the fights get out of hand anyway? It's never necessary to let that happen. (!) Everyone needs to learn how to fight without letting it get to the point that they're crushing the other person if they want something to last.

Honestly, you can't learn a more valuable skill in the long-run.

saveuplife

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.

Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.

On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).

She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.

Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.

I broke off an engagement roughly four years ago. She was cheating on me. I found out from text messages. It ended very bad.

Anyway, I broke it off. It hurt like hell. But, looking back on it... it was the best thing that has EVER happened to me and a lot of the posters are right, it was actually great she was doing it to me... made it easier to move on.

I am now married, and although we def have problems, I am much happier. Only reason I give you these details....

You can be happier elsewhere. This is sometimes hard to believe.

My advice.... Break it off, all together. She wants a break? Give her the full deal. Walk away and give some other girls a shot (really). Enjoy your life. You live once. You may find you have been missing out on some fun, by being in a relationship. Listen to Over the Hills and Far Away by Zeppelin....

"Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road."


Try to make the best of the situation and enjoy yourself. After a while, if you have tried dating others and really miss her, give her a call. But, do everything in your power not to be co-dependent. This girl has all the dependent personality traits from what you've said.

RockinInCanada

Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....

I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!

Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....

Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:

1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.

2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)

3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.

All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....

meistereder

It's pretty easy to see from an outsider's perspective sometimes that something is not working. Your last post makes it pretty clear in my mind that it is a toxic situation, but you have to be the final judge of things.

But I will say two things that I believe are true:

1. Nothing changes if nothing changes. (Think about it).

2. A "break" is a break-up with one person getting the benefits without the downsides, and the other person getting the downsides and not the benefits.

norm

meistereder wrote:

It's pretty easy to see from an outsider's perspective sometimes that something is not working. Your last post makes it pretty clear in my mind that it is a toxic situation, but you have to be the final judge of things.

But I will say two things that I believe are true:

1. Nothing changes if nothing changes. (Think about it).

2. A "break" is a break-up with one person getting the benefits without the downsides, and the other person getting the downsides and not the benefits.

well said

clark_kent

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....

I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!

Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....

Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:

1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.

2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)

3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.

All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....

you need to talk to a lawyer right now if you two are planning a business together. she is already out the door. her humiliation at being called out by her family screams of guilt and her going out with other guys, talking about her "on a break" relationship, and having dinners bought for her means she is going to cheat if she hasn't already. you do not want to be launching a business venture with her if it seems 95% certain she's about to fuck you over something awful. get a lawyer, and ask for that ring back. tell her she can have it back when she grows up and stops acting like a child. right now, you're just sending the message that she's allowed to hook up with anyone she wants and you'll just sit and wait and pay her bills and hope she comes back.

small town beck

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....

I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!

Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....

Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:

1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.

2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)

3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.

All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....

She sounds a bit manipulative or may have some serious issues if she is threatening to kill herself. Sometimes breaks do work in same cases but if nothing ever changes and she has done this before they aren't apt to change now. Of course she doesn't want to let you go if you are taking care of everything for her.

It is easier to say walk away when one isn't involved. You love and care for her but you deserve the same back.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....

I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!

Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....

Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:

1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.

2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)

3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.

All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....

IMO, you're being used, man...plain and simple. Birdie sounds like a sinister kook, and she's prolly cheatin' already. No good reason I can think of to put up with all that bullshit.

And NEVER let your fears drive major decisions in yer life...whether she's a legit nut or not should not factor into you deciding to break it off or not.

mca47

When chicks start going crazy on you like that, it's best to break it off for good.

rearviewmiror

I know the emptiness you are staring at if she goes, but let her go. tell her she can have her break, let her think it's good. Then get the F out.

smithnic

anyone who suggests a break is too much of a pussy to admit they want to break up and just in case the new relationship doesn't work out, would like to know there's someone in waiting.

decides2dream

smithnic wrote:

anyone who suggests a break is too much of a pussy to admit they want to break up and just in case the new relationship doesn't work out, would like to know there's someone in waiting.

i guess i totally misunderstood this topic. to me a 'break' IS breaking up. sure, the possibility of getting back together, but no guarantees from either side, no one waiting, just a split. period. damn, i totally missed it.

Travelar

Last time I heard 'break' in a relationship, she ended up moving 15 states away and shacking up with some other dude.

That's probably not helpful or what you wanted to hear, but I wanted to relate my story.