There is no break, that's a break up. Part ways before your get married. That just makes the situation even worse and a gazillion times more complicated. If she feels that she needs space, your relationship will never be the same. It's time to move on, for both of you.....
I'm sorry though. It's not easy. But you both deserve to respect each other enough to be honest and it sounds like she's not being honest to herself about what she really wants. You can't have it all....
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. "
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
plus she says she is scared to compelty end it right now because she does not want to realize she made a huge mistake in the three months time
Looks like she cares only about herself, man. And I agree with one of the posters above who said either she loves you and you're gonna work thinks out together or she's just playing games with you.
She says we disrespect each other.....which is bullshit IMHO...I give her anything I can provide....I let her do what she wants....I give her her time....the problem I see is that everytime we fight (especially about something involving about her not getting her way) she always whines that our relationship is shit...this is the third time in a month in a half she has done this and each over a fight....one being me disagreeing on the car she wanted us to get because I believed it was too much money and bad decision....she went on for a week complaining on how our relationship sucked...just an example of how things are....her parents who I love and love me (state I am the best guy every to come into her life by a mile and are very upset right now becaue they believe she making the mistake of her life as I am the only guy to provide her stability).
As for consuling she is a self admitted anger freak and her parents have told her directly a number of times she should get help yet two days ago when I suggested that as something the can be done to help us out she refused to do it because she is too busy and would maybe do it in the future sometime....makes matters worse that we just bought a home together and our opening our own store together (with her sister and fiance who both believe she acting like a child and BOTH have told me she does not deserve someone like me....her sister even told her that directly).
Ooohhhhh...this makes so much more sense now.
Let me start off by saying I hope you have broken it off by now and gotten the ring back.
I have a friend that got married to someone that sounds like this. She wound up bullying him into buying a HOUSE they couldn't afford...at least until they sold their other one.
If she is not satisfied now, she never will be.
Please get out of this relationship.
Again, good luck and sorry for the pain you are experiencing. :(
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
in this case it went from love to bust in days....makes no sense and I am left wondering what I did wrong.....
had that happen to me 2 years ago. im still all kinds of fucked up from it. though she didnt ask for a break, she just came back from vacation with a new man.
as to the break, speaking as someone who recently said something rather similar to this to someone, what it means is they want to be free to hook up with other people while keeping you on the backburner just in case.
"You've never been out of college, you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector... they expect results." -Ray
had that happen to me 2 years ago. im still all kinds of fucked up from it. though she didnt ask for a break, she just came back from vacation with a new man.
as to the break, speaking as someone who recently said something rather similar to this to someone, what it means is they want to be free to hook up with other people while keeping you on the backburner just in case.
Happened to my best friend about a little over a year ago. He told me he was going to propose ( personally I don't think he was )
But she went on a vacation to Mexico with her friend. But came back with a new boyfriend who somehow was from the same town as all of us. :rolleyes:
Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.
Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.
On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).
She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.
Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.
Well, I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you tell me. I would tell her you love her very much (do you?), and you realize that the fights are a big problem and a red flag, and that you don't want to live your life like that either. Tell her you respect her will, but also that you want her to know that you are willing to seriously work with her on the issue of fights, even getting external help if needed.
Or, if you don't care that much, you can break it off. In that case, be thankful she took the initiative because you should not marry someone you don't care much about in the first place.
... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
Thanks...I am going through a horrible time of things right now so confused and shocked....no lie no more than a week ago we were happy as hell (had the fire going like the beginning of a new relationship) then three days later she invited me to the beach with her friends that I declined as I was not in the mood to go but said she can go have fun....then she freaks out and wants to end the relationship (She uses this arguement everytime something does not go her way...always saying why we are together and stuff like that).
One part that stuck out to me is the bold line above. I don't know from experience, but one thing that you read about cheating, is that it can trigger increased passion in the original relationship... My guess as an amateur relationship expert ( ) is that maybe she has a fling going, and wants to keep you around as backup incase that doesn't work, or she finds out that maybe the grass isn't greener.
I dunno... I wish you the best, there is no worse feeling than being in totally unknown waters in a relationship with someone that you thought that you knew.
If she really wants to work it out, you have to get her to open up about everything... is it just cold feet, is there something else going on... You sort of have to give her an ultimatum or some sort of deadline for how long you will wait around for her (I know from experience, easier said than done...)
Sorry man... good luck.
My whole life
was like a picture
of a sunny day
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
― Abraham Lincoln
She says we disrespect each other.....which is bullshit IMHO...I give her anything I can provide....I let her do what she wants....I give her her time....the problem I see is that everytime we fight (especially about something involving about her not getting her way) she always whines that our relationship is shit...this is the third time in a month in a half she has done this and each over a fight....one being me disagreeing on the car she wanted us to get because I believed it was too much money and bad decision....she went on for a week complaining on how our relationship sucked...just an example of how things are....her parents who I love and love me (state I am the best guy every to come into her life by a mile and are very upset right now becaue they believe she making the mistake of her life as I am the only guy to provide her stability).
As for consuling she is a self admitted anger freak and her parents have told her directly a number of times she should get help yet two days ago when I suggested that as something the can be done to help us out she refused to do it because she is too busy and would maybe do it in the future sometime....makes matters worse that we just bought a home together and our opening our own store together (with her sister and fiance who both believe she acting like a child and BOTH have told me she does not deserve someone like me....her sister even told her that directly).
Yeah, nevermind, sounds like the road to save this relationship is uphill. If you still want to do it, there are things you can do. Like listen to her about what she means by disrespect without assuming it's bullshit, draw a tight budget, get counselling for her anger issues... anything less and you are walking right into a lifetime of unhappiness if you guys get married.
See if the house and business are worth that
... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
marriage should be like a criminal trial- you should be beyond a reasonable doubt. this is not how you determine if you want to be someone. I say just go for a clean break.
if one or the other party thinks the relationship is shit, why the hell do you keep it up?
well all I know if that was the case she obviously does not love me and disrespects everything we have done for over the past five years........
I do not believe that to be necessarily true-she may truy love everything you have and have had-but feels an overwhelming need to experience other things
No one can tell you what you need to do in situations like this. I know it's painful, i've been there myself, but you do have to make some decisions for yourself.
How do you feel about her? If you're considering a clean break, then you know you'll get over it eventually... but waiting around is confusing you because you know you may get dumped. You need to clear your head and not get trapped into manipulating situations. If she said what she said so that it would get back to you then she's obviously very confused and possibly playing games. I know of women who torment men like this all the time, just so they can get their man to prove how much he wants her and to get some attention... I'm not saying your fiance is doing this but it is a possibilty. Another possibilty is something others have touched on, maybe she's found someone else... This could be the final straw for you. Make it clear to her that you'd rather know and get on with your life than be strung out and made to feel worthless. Again, I'm not saying that she's doing this but it's not uncommon.
A few people have said that if she questions it and needs a break, it's all over... Personally I think only you two can work that out for yourselves. Like anything, communication is the key. You don't have to be mortal enemies when you end a long term relationship, you can make it ammicable... although I understand that this would be painful for you to start with.
So what to do? What if she dumps you? Man, i'm not gonna pussy foot around, it'll hurt. I can't say for how long and to what degree but it will hurt. As much as I can guarantee it'll hurt though, I can guarantee that it willl get better. I know it sounds cliche but there's a whole world out there for you yet to discover.
So what if you stay together? You should make changes, both of you. There's obviously something lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed but you need to address it together. Compromise, let her know that you won't be manipulated but that you do love her. Start listening to each other, you might be surprised.
Either way you need to know what's going on and where you stand.
Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
I do not believe that to be necessarily true-she may truy love everything you have and have had-but feels an overwhelming need to experience other things
agreed.
i split with my then-Bf, now husband, 2x. i won't go into the reasons, simply b/c i don't discuss such things. however, here we are.... dated off and on for 5 years, married 16 years, better/happier than ever. at the time, those 'breaks' were necessary for me, for us. yes, we might not have gotten back together, and it was a big chance to take, but it was needed. sometimes you meet the love of your life young and you just have other things you need to experience and live. i don't know, there can be so many 'reasons'....and only you can decide if it's worth it.
Happened to my best friend about a little over a year ago. He told me he was going to propose ( personally I don't think he was )
But she went on a vacation to Mexico with her friend. But came back with a new boyfriend who somehow was from the same town as all of us. :rolleyes:
that sucks. getting cheated on/dumped like that is bad enough, but when you're totally blindsided by it and thinking things are going great, it really does some damage. i feel for your friend and for RiC.
"You've never been out of college, you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector... they expect results." -Ray
Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.
Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.
On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).
She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.
Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.
It sounds like she wants time off to date someone else but she's not sure if she'll regret letting you go.
That really doesn't sound too good for your chances of happiness in the future.
Why do you the let the fights get out of hand anyway? It's never necessary to let that happen. (!) Everyone needs to learn how to fight without letting it get to the point that they're crushing the other person if they want something to last.
Honestly, you can't learn a more valuable skill in the long-run.
Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.
Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.
On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).
She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.
Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.
I broke off an engagement roughly four years ago. She was cheating on me. I found out from text messages. It ended very bad.
Anyway, I broke it off. It hurt like hell. But, looking back on it... it was the best thing that has EVER happened to me and a lot of the posters are right, it was actually great she was doing it to me... made it easier to move on.
I am now married, and although we def have problems, I am much happier. Only reason I give you these details....
You can be happier elsewhere. This is sometimes hard to believe.
My advice.... Break it off, all together. She wants a break? Give her the full deal. Walk away and give some other girls a shot (really). Enjoy your life. You live once. You may find you have been missing out on some fun, by being in a relationship. Listen to Over the Hills and Far Away by Zeppelin....
"Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road."
Try to make the best of the situation and enjoy yourself. After a while, if you have tried dating others and really miss her, give her a call. But, do everything in your power not to be co-dependent. This girl has all the dependent personality traits from what you've said.
Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....
I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!
Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....
Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:
1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.
2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)
3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.
All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....
It's pretty easy to see from an outsider's perspective sometimes that something is not working. Your last post makes it pretty clear in my mind that it is a toxic situation, but you have to be the final judge of things.
But I will say two things that I believe are true:
1. Nothing changes if nothing changes. (Think about it).
2. A "break" is a break-up with one person getting the benefits without the downsides, and the other person getting the downsides and not the benefits.
San Diego 10/25/00, Mountain View 6/1/03, Santa Barbara 10/28/03, Northwest School 3/18/05, San Diego 7/7/06, Los Angeles 7/9/06, 7/10/06, Honolulu (U2) 12/9/06, Santa Barbara (EV) 4/10/08, Los Angeles (EV) 4/12/08, Hartford 6/27/08, Mansfield 6/28/08, VH1 Rock Honors The Who 7/12/08, Seattle 9/21/09, Universal City 9/30/09, 10/1/09, 10/6/09, 10/7/09, San Diego 10/9/09, Los Angeles (EV) 7/8/11, Santa Barbara (EV) 7/9/11, Chicago 7/19/13, San Diego 11/21/13, Los Angeles 11/23/13, 11/24/13, Oakland 11/26/13, Chicago 8/22/16, Missoula 8/13/18, Boston 9/2/18, Los Angeles 2/25/22 (EV), San Diego 5/3/22, Los Angeles 5/6/22, 5/7/22, Imola 6/25/22, Los Angeles 5/21/24, [London 6/29/24], [Boston 9/15/24]
It's pretty easy to see from an outsider's perspective sometimes that something is not working. Your last post makes it pretty clear in my mind that it is a toxic situation, but you have to be the final judge of things.
But I will say two things that I believe are true:
1. Nothing changes if nothing changes. (Think about it).
2. A "break" is a break-up with one person getting the benefits without the downsides, and the other person getting the downsides and not the benefits.
Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....
I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!
Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....
Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:
1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.
2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)
3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.
All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....
you need to talk to a lawyer right now if you two are planning a business together. she is already out the door. her humiliation at being called out by her family screams of guilt and her going out with other guys, talking about her "on a break" relationship, and having dinners bought for her means she is going to cheat if she hasn't already. you do not want to be launching a business venture with her if it seems 95% certain she's about to fuck you over something awful. get a lawyer, and ask for that ring back. tell her she can have it back when she grows up and stops acting like a child. right now, you're just sending the message that she's allowed to hook up with anyone she wants and you'll just sit and wait and pay her bills and hope she comes back.
"You've never been out of college, you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector... they expect results." -Ray
Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....
I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!
Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....
Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:
1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.
2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)
3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.
All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....
She sounds a bit manipulative or may have some serious issues if she is threatening to kill herself. Sometimes breaks do work in same cases but if nothing ever changes and she has done this before they aren't apt to change now. Of course she doesn't want to let you go if you are taking care of everything for her.
It is easier to say walk away when one isn't involved. You love and care for her but you deserve the same back.
Thanks for all the advice guys....I really do not know how express how "strangers" from all over the globe can make one feel less alone in the world...the support makes me speechless.....
I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!
Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....
Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:
1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.
2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)
3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.
All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....
IMO, you're being used, man...plain and simple. Birdie sounds like a sinister kook, and she's prolly cheatin' already. No good reason I can think of to put up with all that bullshit.
And NEVER let your fears drive major decisions in yer life...whether she's a legit nut or not should not factor into you deciding to break it off or not.
anyone who suggests a break is too much of a pussy to admit they want to break up and just in case the new relationship doesn't work out, would like to know there's someone in waiting.
anyone who suggests a break is too much of a pussy to admit they want to break up and just in case the new relationship doesn't work out, would like to know there's someone in waiting.
i guess i totally misunderstood this topic. to me a 'break' IS breaking up. sure, the possibility of getting back together, but no guarantees from either side, no one waiting, just a split. period. damn, i totally missed it.
Comments
I'm sorry though. It's not easy. But you both deserve to respect each other enough to be honest and it sounds like she's not being honest to herself about what she really wants. You can't have it all....
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
I saw Hard To Imagine LIVE at MSG!
Looks like she cares only about herself, man. And I agree with one of the posters above who said either she loves you and you're gonna work thinks out together or she's just playing games with you.
Let me start off by saying I hope you have broken it off by now and gotten the ring back.
I have a friend that got married to someone that sounds like this. She wound up bullying him into buying a HOUSE they couldn't afford...at least until they sold their other one.
If she is not satisfied now, she never will be.
Please get out of this relationship.
Again, good luck and sorry for the pain you are experiencing. :(
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
had that happen to me 2 years ago. im still all kinds of fucked up from it. though she didnt ask for a break, she just came back from vacation with a new man.
as to the break, speaking as someone who recently said something rather similar to this to someone, what it means is they want to be free to hook up with other people while keeping you on the backburner just in case.
Denny Crane!
Happened to my best friend about a little over a year ago. He told me he was going to propose ( personally I don't think he was )
But she went on a vacation to Mexico with her friend. But came back with a new boyfriend who somehow was from the same town as all of us. :rolleyes:
Well, I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you tell me. I would tell her you love her very much (do you?), and you realize that the fights are a big problem and a red flag, and that you don't want to live your life like that either. Tell her you respect her will, but also that you want her to know that you are willing to seriously work with her on the issue of fights, even getting external help if needed.
Or, if you don't care that much, you can break it off. In that case, be thankful she took the initiative because you should not marry someone you don't care much about in the first place.
One part that stuck out to me is the bold line above. I don't know from experience, but one thing that you read about cheating, is that it can trigger increased passion in the original relationship... My guess as an amateur relationship expert (
I dunno... I wish you the best, there is no worse feeling than being in totally unknown waters in a relationship with someone that you thought that you knew.
If she really wants to work it out, you have to get her to open up about everything... is it just cold feet, is there something else going on... You sort of have to give her an ultimatum or some sort of deadline for how long you will wait around for her (I know from experience, easier said than done...)
Sorry man... good luck.
was like a picture
of a sunny day
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
― Abraham Lincoln
Yeah, nevermind, sounds like the road to save this relationship is uphill. If you still want to do it, there are things you can do. Like listen to her about what she means by disrespect without assuming it's bullshit, draw a tight budget, get counselling for her anger issues... anything less and you are walking right into a lifetime of unhappiness if you guys get married.
See if the house and business are worth that
if one or the other party thinks the relationship is shit, why the hell do you keep it up?
Just putting off the inevitable.
people love to torture themselves and be involved in drama I guess.
A lot of them think that it makes them more alive and reenergizes somehow. They think stability is boring.
How do you feel about her? If you're considering a clean break, then you know you'll get over it eventually... but waiting around is confusing you because you know you may get dumped. You need to clear your head and not get trapped into manipulating situations. If she said what she said so that it would get back to you then she's obviously very confused and possibly playing games. I know of women who torment men like this all the time, just so they can get their man to prove how much he wants her and to get some attention... I'm not saying your fiance is doing this but it is a possibilty. Another possibilty is something others have touched on, maybe she's found someone else... This could be the final straw for you. Make it clear to her that you'd rather know and get on with your life than be strung out and made to feel worthless. Again, I'm not saying that she's doing this but it's not uncommon.
A few people have said that if she questions it and needs a break, it's all over... Personally I think only you two can work that out for yourselves. Like anything, communication is the key. You don't have to be mortal enemies when you end a long term relationship, you can make it ammicable... although I understand that this would be painful for you to start with.
So what to do? What if she dumps you? Man, i'm not gonna pussy foot around, it'll hurt. I can't say for how long and to what degree but it will hurt. As much as I can guarantee it'll hurt though, I can guarantee that it willl get better. I know it sounds cliche but there's a whole world out there for you yet to discover.
So what if you stay together? You should make changes, both of you. There's obviously something lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed but you need to address it together. Compromise, let her know that you won't be manipulated but that you do love her. Start listening to each other, you might be surprised.
Either way you need to know what's going on and where you stand.
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
agreed.
i split with my then-Bf, now husband, 2x. i won't go into the reasons, simply b/c i don't discuss such things. however, here we are.... dated off and on for 5 years, married 16 years, better/happier than ever. at the time, those 'breaks' were necessary for me, for us. yes, we might not have gotten back together, and it was a big chance to take, but it was needed. sometimes you meet the love of your life young and you just have other things you need to experience and live. i don't know, there can be so many 'reasons'....and only you can decide if it's worth it.
good luck!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
that sucks. getting cheated on/dumped like that is bad enough, but when you're totally blindsided by it and thinking things are going great, it really does some damage. i feel for your friend and for RiC.
Denny Crane!
It sounds like she wants time off to date someone else but she's not sure if she'll regret letting you go.
That really doesn't sound too good for your chances of happiness in the future.
Why do you the let the fights get out of hand anyway? It's never necessary to let that happen. (!) Everyone needs to learn how to fight without letting it get to the point that they're crushing the other person if they want something to last.
Honestly, you can't learn a more valuable skill in the long-run.
I broke off an engagement roughly four years ago. She was cheating on me. I found out from text messages. It ended very bad.
Anyway, I broke it off. It hurt like hell. But, looking back on it... it was the best thing that has EVER happened to me and a lot of the posters are right, it was actually great she was doing it to me... made it easier to move on.
I am now married, and although we def have problems, I am much happier. Only reason I give you these details....
You can be happier elsewhere. This is sometimes hard to believe.
My advice.... Break it off, all together. She wants a break? Give her the full deal. Walk away and give some other girls a shot (really). Enjoy your life. You live once. You may find you have been missing out on some fun, by being in a relationship. Listen to Over the Hills and Far Away by Zeppelin....
"Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road."
Try to make the best of the situation and enjoy yourself. After a while, if you have tried dating others and really miss her, give her a call. But, do everything in your power not to be co-dependent. This girl has all the dependent personality traits from what you've said.
I am just torn right now and believe at this moment I need to think long and hard about everything...which also means preparing myself for the worst.....all I know is that when this happened last time I got the impression though long heart to heart talks (after this previous incident) that she needed time to ensure she was ready for the big step together as she did not want us to get married/have kids and go through a nasty divorce and through that phase she admitted that she had urges to be other people but at the end of day whenever there was a moment to act on the urge she felt awful and wrong and said it eventually made her realize she wanted me....HOWEVER THAT WAS THE EXCUSE LAST YEAR!
Now it seems like the same old symptoms and get this she had the gall to tell me that when she went out with her old high school best friend (who has not had anything to do with her life for the past five years at all) and her boyfriend that they went for supper with some of his friends and some dude bought her supper.....man I was pissed and I told her that is bullshit....I get the old "but he knows about our current situation"...I was livid and asked how does that tone down my fears....it actually elevates it....just so sad because right now her own familiy is irriate with her and how she is treating me and they have called her out on cheating on me (or thinking of)....and wow did that ever go over well....phone calls at 4:00 in the morning of her screaming how she wants to kill her self because her own parents asked her that and how she was absolutly humiliated by them......I dunno just a fucked up situation....
Through talking to close friends/family (both of which want the best for both of us) that it seems there are three possibilites going:
1) She wants to test the waters and keep me on the back-burner....she does not need to do anything physical to meet someone....get the heat up shut me down and BINGO new boyfriend (I truely believe that she would never physical cheat on me....but emotionally cheat I am unsure on....and yes both hurt.
2) She is simply waiting until she see the effects of the business begin to tiurn on (opens in three weeks)...get herself set-up then break it off (as I pay everything for her at the moment....cell phone, car, etc.)
3) That she just honestly means what she is saying about wanting to ensure that we are correct....I can understand this but when you do it once and now again to me that means the possibility of it happening again are very high.
All look bad however I am going to actively pursue a lifestyle that opens me up to people....I am preparing myself right now for a life without her and the nice thing with her away right now is that it gets a little easier that way.....at the sametime I am fearful to break it off completly because what if she does truley love me and does have issues that require outside help....that is my fear and also could be my downfall....I just need to remain confident and see what else can potentially be out there......may sound dumb but that is a fear of mine.....
But I will say two things that I believe are true:
1. Nothing changes if nothing changes. (Think about it).
2. A "break" is a break-up with one person getting the benefits without the downsides, and the other person getting the downsides and not the benefits.
well said
you need to talk to a lawyer right now if you two are planning a business together. she is already out the door. her humiliation at being called out by her family screams of guilt and her going out with other guys, talking about her "on a break" relationship, and having dinners bought for her means she is going to cheat if she hasn't already. you do not want to be launching a business venture with her if it seems 95% certain she's about to fuck you over something awful. get a lawyer, and ask for that ring back. tell her she can have it back when she grows up and stops acting like a child. right now, you're just sending the message that she's allowed to hook up with anyone she wants and you'll just sit and wait and pay her bills and hope she comes back.
Denny Crane!
She sounds a bit manipulative or may have some serious issues if she is threatening to kill herself. Sometimes breaks do work in same cases but if nothing ever changes and she has done this before they aren't apt to change now. Of course she doesn't want to let you go if you are taking care of everything for her.
It is easier to say walk away when one isn't involved. You love and care for her but you deserve the same back.
IMO, you're being used, man...plain and simple. Birdie sounds like a sinister kook, and she's prolly cheatin' already. No good reason I can think of to put up with all that bullshit.
And NEVER let your fears drive major decisions in yer life...whether she's a legit nut or not should not factor into you deciding to break it off or not.
i guess i totally misunderstood this topic.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
That's probably not helpful or what you wanted to hear, but I wanted to relate my story.