What is your Opinion on "Breaks"

comebackwoman

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

My friends think the same to...makes me wonder now that I have go the opinions of like 20 people they all say the samething.....my best friend believes I need to take action and cut it right now....make her feel what life is without for good is and to tell her that this tactic will not work....another side-note that goes along with this is that she told her sister three days ago she wanted things to work and she missed me to death (she is in our store location and am I am at work living at our home in Calgary) and that what sucked with me being away for a couple more weeks is that making up over the phone sucks and it would be better if I was there so she could hug me....like WTF does that mean.....

Throwing this out there is it possilble, although not rational, that she has full intentions of making things right again but is going to "string" me for a ride to hypothetically "put me in my place".....is it possible for someone to think like that....makes me sad because that is not what love is about at all....that is pure manipulation and you simply do not do this to people you love.....

It's possible that she's just trying to put you in your place and punish you for not giving her her way...or it's possible that she really has no idea how to work through issues. Even though she wants it to work, she may have no idea of how to do that without pushing you away. She still has to take responsibility for what she says though. If she says she wants to end it, etc. she has to realize what that means and that there are consequences to saying that. She can't just say it to get her way and then take it back when things feel good again...well she can but she needs to realize that it may mean that you're not still there waiting for her once she's gotten over her tantrum.

Get_Right

In my experience, that means
I like what we have, but I want need to see whats out there.

"Break" to me means, I want to see other people.
Sorry

RockinInCanada

Get_Right wrote:

In my experience, that means
I like what we have, but I want need to see whats out there.

"Break" to me means, I want to see other people.
Sorry

Thought of that to....somewhat like keep them close so if something does not pan out I can always go back to them....well all I know if that was the case she obviously does not love me and disrespects everything we have done for over the past five years....do not need much else to "help" you get over someone....

vedderfan10

Well, if she's not stringing you along and really wants things to work out, then she'd be willing to go with you to some counselling....

And remember, Personality Disordered individuals are master manipulators (think of an overly emotional gay man, sorry...but a good example, SOME are like that)...Mad they didn't get their way, but will cry and say they're sorry (to shut you up) and then carry on like nothing happened and if it did, it had nothing to do with them. They use people and don't really give a crap about your emotions because they're the only who has them, and don't you dare step all over them because there will be hell to pay. It's not love to punish your partner because you didn't get your way....That's a game...and to PDs that's fun!

And leave because you're in an unhealthy relationship, not because you want her to suffer...

samick

Walk away now...........and burn that bridge on your way out of town

small town beck

Sorry to hear this again, RiC :(

norm

i agree with pretty much everything said....time to let her go dude....i don't think this will end anytime soon....she'll probably keep doing this bs every few years....hang tough my man

audiodave

This is a horrible situation to be in, and i'm really sorry you're going through this.

In a way I do agree with what everyone is saying. If someone said to me they needed a break to decide if they needed me in their life, that would hurt me a lot and would possibly damage the relationship too much for me to want to continue. Whatever you do, it seems as though you're going to get hurt. If you walk away now, you may minimise the level of pain, but you obviously love the girl, and if she has a problem (which it seems she might) then it's natural to want to help her. But you can't help her until she admits she needs help, and wants to help herself.

Is it possible that she told her sister about "missing you to death" so that that information would indirectly get back to your ears? If so, it sounds like she is trying to manipulate you into getting her own way. If she has done this before, who is to say she won't do it again? Do you think she can change? Are you strong enough to stick around to find out? And if she did change, could you move past this, or is the damage already done?

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

She says we disrespect each other.....which is bullshit IMHO...I give her anything I can provide....I let her do what she wants....I give her her time....the problem I see is that everytime we fight (especially about something involving about her not getting her way) she always whines that our relationship is shit

From this statement it seems that the respect is only a one way thing...doesn't sound as though she respects you at all. The whining about not getting her own way makes her sound like a child.

NY PJ1

Breaks Mean She Is Screwing Around

JordyWordy

agree with most advice here man, sorry to hear this again. i remember the last thread too.

in my experience someone who wont accept responsibility for these types of tantrums and actions wont stop doing it because they fail to see / fail to admit that theyre treating you like a piece of shit. its selfish and it wont help either of you.

Walk away, you sound like a good person from what you've written on here, and good people don't deserve to be treated like leverage in a relationship

given2fly78

There is no break, that's a break up. Part ways before your get married. That just makes the situation even worse and a gazillion times more complicated. If she feels that she needs space, your relationship will never be the same. It's time to move on, for both of you.....

I'm sorry though. It's not easy. But you both deserve to respect each other enough to be honest and it sounds like she's not being honest to herself about what she really wants. You can't have it all....

corduroy85

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

plus she says she is scared to compelty end it right now because she does not want to realize she made a huge mistake in the three months time

Looks like she cares only about herself, man. And I agree with one of the posters above who said either she loves you and you're gonna work thinks out together or she's just playing games with you.

TrixieCat

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

She says we disrespect each other.....which is bullshit IMHO...I give her anything I can provide....I let her do what she wants....I give her her time....the problem I see is that everytime we fight (especially about something involving about her not getting her way) she always whines that our relationship is shit...this is the third time in a month in a half she has done this and each over a fight....one being me disagreeing on the car she wanted us to get because I believed it was too much money and bad decision....she went on for a week complaining on how our relationship sucked...just an example of how things are....her parents who I love and love me (state I am the best guy every to come into her life by a mile and are very upset right now becaue they believe she making the mistake of her life as I am the only guy to provide her stability).

As for consuling she is a self admitted anger freak and her parents have told her directly a number of times she should get help yet two days ago when I suggested that as something the can be done to help us out she refused to do it because she is too busy and would maybe do it in the future sometime....makes matters worse that we just bought a home together and our opening our own store together (with her sister and fiance who both believe she acting like a child and BOTH have told me she does not deserve someone like me....her sister even told her that directly).

Ooohhhhh...this makes so much more sense now.
Let me start off by saying I hope you have broken it off by now and gotten the ring back.
I have a friend that got married to someone that sounds like this. She wound up bullying him into buying a HOUSE they couldn't afford...at least until they sold their other one.
If she is not satisfied now, she never will be.
Please get out of this relationship.
Again, good luck and sorry for the pain you are experiencing. :(

clark_kent

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

in this case it went from love to bust in days....makes no sense and I am left wondering what I did wrong.....

had that happen to me 2 years ago. im still all kinds of fucked up from it. though she didnt ask for a break, she just came back from vacation with a new man.

as to the break, speaking as someone who recently said something rather similar to this to someone, what it means is they want to be free to hook up with other people while keeping you on the backburner just in case.

South of Seattle

clark_kent wrote:

had that happen to me 2 years ago. im still all kinds of fucked up from it. though she didnt ask for a break, she just came back from vacation with a new man.

as to the break, speaking as someone who recently said something rather similar to this to someone, what it means is they want to be free to hook up with other people while keeping you on the backburner just in case.

Happened to my best friend about a little over a year ago. He told me he was going to propose ( personally I don't think he was )

But she went on a vacation to Mexico with her friend. But came back with a new boyfriend who somehow was from the same town as all of us. :rolleyes:

meme

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.

Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.

On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).

She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.

Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.

Well, I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you tell me. I would tell her you love her very much (do you?), and you realize that the fights are a big problem and a red flag, and that you don't want to live your life like that either. Tell her you respect her will, but also that you want her to know that you are willing to seriously work with her on the issue of fights, even getting external help if needed.

Or, if you don't care that much, you can break it off. In that case, be thankful she took the initiative because you should not marry someone you don't care much about in the first place.

blackredyellow

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Thanks...I am going through a horrible time of things right now so confused and shocked....no lie no more than a week ago we were happy as hell (had the fire going like the beginning of a new relationship) then three days later she invited me to the beach with her friends that I declined as I was not in the mood to go but said she can go have fun....then she freaks out and wants to end the relationship (She uses this arguement everytime something does not go her way...always saying why we are together and stuff like that).

One part that stuck out to me is the bold line above. I don't know from experience, but one thing that you read about cheating, is that it can trigger increased passion in the original relationship... My guess as an amateur relationship expert ( ) is that maybe she has a fling going, and wants to keep you around as backup incase that doesn't work, or she finds out that maybe the grass isn't greener.

I dunno... I wish you the best, there is no worse feeling than being in totally unknown waters in a relationship with someone that you thought that you knew.

If she really wants to work it out, you have to get her to open up about everything... is it just cold feet, is there something else going on... You sort of have to give her an ultimatum or some sort of deadline for how long you will wait around for her (I know from experience, easier said than done...)

Sorry man... good luck.

meme

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

She says we disrespect each other.....which is bullshit IMHO...I give her anything I can provide....I let her do what she wants....I give her her time....the problem I see is that everytime we fight (especially about something involving about her not getting her way) she always whines that our relationship is shit...this is the third time in a month in a half she has done this and each over a fight....one being me disagreeing on the car she wanted us to get because I believed it was too much money and bad decision....she went on for a week complaining on how our relationship sucked...just an example of how things are....her parents who I love and love me (state I am the best guy every to come into her life by a mile and are very upset right now becaue they believe she making the mistake of her life as I am the only guy to provide her stability).

As for consuling she is a self admitted anger freak and her parents have told her directly a number of times she should get help yet two days ago when I suggested that as something the can be done to help us out she refused to do it because she is too busy and would maybe do it in the future sometime....makes matters worse that we just bought a home together and our opening our own store together (with her sister and fiance who both believe she acting like a child and BOTH have told me she does not deserve someone like me....her sister even told her that directly).

Yeah, nevermind, sounds like the road to save this relationship is uphill. If you still want to do it, there are things you can do. Like listen to her about what she means by disrespect without assuming it's bullshit, draw a tight budget, get counselling for her anger issues... anything less and you are walking right into a lifetime of unhappiness if you guys get married.

See if the house and business are worth that

CityMouse

marriage should be like a criminal trial- you should be beyond a reasonable doubt. this is not how you determine if you want to be someone. I say just go for a clean break.

if one or the other party thinks the relationship is shit, why the hell do you keep it up?

corduroy85

CityMouse wrote:

if one or the other party thinks the relationship is shit, why the hell do you keep it up?

Just putting off the inevitable.