What is your Opinion on "Breaks"

RockinInCanada

Well been with my girlfriend (fiance actually) for just over five years and now she is telling me she wants a break as she is confused about our relationship.

Do you guys really believe in breaks, I am frustrated because I am worried that I am going to be sitting here for who knows how long wondering just to get dumped in the near future.

On the otherhand I do not know whether to force the issue and just ask for a clean break-up so that the healing process can begin now only to lose someone that really does want to be with me (however considering the request that does seem like a hypcritical comment).

She states she wants sometime to determine if she wants/needs me in her life or that she is better off without me. Our relationship is not a bad one we have the odd scrap but they get heated at times and she is sick of fights that get out of hand.

Just so confused and upset right now that I wouldn't mind some advice from my fellow 'pit' friends.

TrixieCat

Go for the clean break.
What a horrible thing for her to say.
Break it off. Now.
She doesn't know whether she needs or wants you in her life?
:rolleyes:

Start the healing process now.
You don't want or need to live like that.
Unless you are someone that kicks puppies, no one deserves to have that said to them.
Sorry about your pain. :(

vedderfan10

If she needs to decide IF she wants you in her life, then I'd think it's time to get that engagement ring back...WTF do people "need time to decide"...either you love someone and want to grow with them (as an individual and as a couple) or you don't.

Taking a break is another way of saying that she doesn't want to talk about it or work things out. Sounds like she's being a bit vague, too. I'd get on with my life, if I were you. Don't let her string you along and don't you string her along. Then you'll just hate each other.

Break up and if you meet again sometime and fall in love, great. If not, you were suited to each other...

Relationships don't just happen. The do require some work, tuning up, space, all that jazz...

RockinInCanada

TrixieCat wrote:

Go for the clean break.
What a horrible thing for her to say.
Break it off. Now.
She doesn't know whether she needs or wants you in her life?
:rolleyes:

Start the healing process now.
You don't want or need to live like that.
Unless you are someone that kicks puppies, no one deserves to have that said to them.
Sorry about your pain. :(

Thanks...I am going through a horrible time of things right now so confused and shocked....no lie no more than a week ago we were happy as hell (had the fire going like the beginning of a new relationship) then three days later she invited me to the beach with her friends that I declined as I was not in the mood to go but said she can go have fun....then she freaks out and wants to end the relationship (She uses this arguement everytime something does not go her way...always saying why we are together and stuff like that).

I have treated this woman great in our time together and give her anything she wants...now this out of the blue....she says she loves me to death but I do not understand how she can turn in on/off in a matter of two days...plus she says she is scared to compelty end it right now because she does not want to realize she made a huge mistake in the three months time....just so tough on me now....I never even seen this coming at all.....

Stone Is God

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Thanks...I am going through a horrible time of things right now so confused and shocked....no lie no more than a week ago we were happy as hell (had the fire going like the beginning of a new relationship) then three days later she invited me to the beach with her friends that I declined as I was not in the mood to go but said she can go have fun....then she freaks out and wants to end the relationship (She uses this arguement everytime something does not go her way...always saying why we are together and stuff like that).

I have treated this woman great in our time together and give her anything she wants...now this out of the blue....she says she loves me to death but I do not understand how she can turn in on/off in a matter of two days...plus she says she is scared to compelty end it right now because she does not want to realize she made a huge mistake in the three months time....just so tough on me now....I never even seen this coming at all.....

From the sounds of it sounds like she's pretty selfish and has some growing up to do. Get the ring back and get out. If she's doing this 5 YEARS into it, she'll never stop. You'll be dealing with it forever if you don't get out now.

RockinInCanada

I guess what I do not understand that in all my past relationships that ended there was a period before breaking up that saw a constant degradation of the relationship...in this case it went from love to bust in days....makes no sense and I am left wondering what I did wrong...I am horrible for putting burdens on my back when they should not concern me....I know I do it yet I cannot stop myself for blaming me for everything.....

RockinInCanada

Stone Is God wrote:

From the sounds of it sounds like she's pretty selfish and has some growing up to do. Get the ring back and get out. If she's doing this 5 YEARS into it, she'll never stop. You'll be dealing with it forever if you don't get out now.

Thanks...furthers re-iterates what all my friends said....

vedderfan10

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

I guess what I do not understand that in all my past relationships that ended there was a period before breaking up that saw a constant degradation of the relationship...in this case it went from love to bust in days....makes no sense and I am left wondering what I did wrong...I am horrible for putting burdens on my back when they should not concern me....I know I do it yet I cannot stop myself for blaming me for everything.....

You'd need to ask her what she thinks you did wrong...and if she's vague and says, "You know...it's that stuff....its' like....you know...." Then it's nothing you did and its her crap to work out. But I agree she sounds spoiled....is she jealous, too? Would she be willing to try some couples' counselling? Would you?

rival.

"breaks" never solve your problems, just puts them on hold. once you get back together, they are just sitting there waiting for you again.

i don't know the details of your relationship, but i'd get out now while you still can before you marry her.

RockinInCanada

Vedderfan10 wrote:

You'd need to ask her what she thinks you did wrong...and if she's vague and says, "You know...it's that stuff....its' like....you know...." Then it's nothing you did and its her crap to work out. But I agree she sounds spoiled....is she jealous, too? Would she be willing to try some couples' counselling? Would you?

She says we disrespect each other.....which is bullshit IMHO...I give her anything I can provide....I let her do what she wants....I give her her time....the problem I see is that everytime we fight (especially about something involving about her not getting her way) she always whines that our relationship is shit...this is the third time in a month in a half she has done this and each over a fight....one being me disagreeing on the car she wanted us to get because I believed it was too much money and bad decision....she went on for a week complaining on how our relationship sucked...just an example of how things are....her parents who I love and love me (state I am the best guy every to come into her life by a mile and are very upset right now becaue they believe she making the mistake of her life as I am the only guy to provide her stability).

As for consuling she is a self admitted anger freak and her parents have told her directly a number of times she should get help yet two days ago when I suggested that as something the can be done to help us out she refused to do it because she is too busy and would maybe do it in the future sometime....makes matters worse that we just bought a home together and our opening our own store together (with her sister and fiance who both believe she acting like a child and BOTH have told me she does not deserve someone like me....her sister even told her that directly).

RockinInCanada

The worst part of everything is that, though this sounds absurd, I am so scared of breaking if off because we have a great relationship for most of the time is that I will not find someone for me....sounds stupid and I know that is not true but yet it holds me back.....at times I question my rationality.....drives me crazy....

RockinInCanada

Also just another thought on the matter....she wants a break to see what life is like without me but she phones me everyday.....a total of four calls today to try to get a hold of me (which I believe was to see what I did last night as I had a party) and talks to me using "our" and "us"....then texting me randomly through the day....just do not get it....then when I do answer we talk about general things then she states to me that she is thinking and does not know about us.....man so frustrating it is laughable.

comebackwoman

I think it's unlikely that any problems within your relationship are going to be solved by her turning outside of it and taking a "break." If there are things that the two of you need to work through, that's more likely to happen by turning towards each other and trying to work through it together. If this is her way of solving problems now, it's likely this is the method she'll use in the future. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope it works out for the best for you.

vedderfan10

Sounds like your betroathed has a bit of Borderline Personality Disorder. "I hate you! Don't leave me!" Try googling it and see if that matches what you're dealing with. If so - RUN!! Set very clear limits and RUN!!

If she is unable to take responsibilty for her actions and does not think she's accountable to anyone, and a cute little smile after she's let you sulk for a few days will make everything right...yeah...it's time to let that go. Her actions are causing you to leave...and I guess maybe she needs to experience some consequences...Tell her you're selling the house...and that you don't want to be her business partner because of how she's been acting...she'll have a huge tantrum, but just point out that this behaviour is not acceptable to you and WALK AWAY....tell her you'll talk to her when she's calm...

RockinInCanada

comebackgirl wrote:

I think it's unlikely that any problems within your relationship are going to be solved by her turning outside of it and taking a "break." If there are things that the two of you need to work through, that's more likely to happen by turning towards each other and trying to work through it together. If this is her way of solving problems now, it's likely this is the method she'll use in the future. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope it works out for the best for you.

Thanks for the words....she has done this very exact thing a year and a half ago (hell I think i made a thread then about it) about the very same issue and yeah guess what here we are again...funny thing is that I believe she thinks I am the problem and she does not have the wherewithal to take any of the responsibility on herself.....

comebackwoman

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

Thanks for the words....she has done this very exact thing a year and a half ago (hell I think i made a thread then about it) about the very same issue and yeah guess what here we are again...funny thing is that I believe she thinks I am the problem and she does not have the wherewithal to take any of the responsibility on herself.....

I think I remember that thread. I'm sorry this is happening again. From what you said above, it sounds like maybe she uses the "break" thing to manipulate you when she's not getting her way. She needs to know your bottom line - that this tearing you apart and using your relationship as a ploy to get what she wants is not something you will tolerate.

RockinInCanada

Vedderfan10 wrote:

Sounds like your betroathed has a bit of Borderline Personality Disorder. "I hate you! Don't leave me!" Try googling it and see if that matches what you're dealing with. If so - RUN!! Set very clear limits and RUN!!

If she is unable to take responsibilty for her actions and does not think she's accountable to anyone, and a cute little smile after she's let you sulk for a few days will make everything right...yeah...it's time to let that go. Her actions are causing you to leave...and I guess maybe she needs to experience some consequences...Tell her you're selling the house...and that you don't want to be her business partner because of how she's acting...she'll have a huge tantrum, but just point out this this behaviour is not acceptable to you and WALK AWAY....tell her you'll talk to her when she's calm...

I just looked briefly into that but she is a very outgoing person who will befriend almost everyone she meets....BUT the reaction to changes as outlined in the symptoms seems so very much like her.....kinda of scary....but somethings do not match up.....plus they talk of fears of abandoment which in this case makes no sense as she seems to be the one that is pushing me away.....funny my two best friends believe she is somewhat bi-polar....and they actually mean it......

comebackwoman

Vedderfan10 wrote:

Sounds like your betroathed has a bit of Borderline Personality Disorder. "I hate you! Don't leave me!" Try googling it and see if that matches what you're dealing with. If so - RUN!! Set very clear limits and RUN!!

If she is unable to take responsibilty for her actions and does not think she's accountable to anyone, and a cute little smile after she's let you sulk for a few days will make everything right...yeah...it's time to let that go. Her actions are causing you to leave...and I guess maybe she needs to experience some consequences...Tell her you're selling the house...and that you don't want to be her business partner because of how she's been acting...she'll have a huge tantrum, but just point out that this behaviour is not acceptable to you and WALK AWAY....tell her you'll talk to her when she's calm...

I think you hit the nail on the head.

RockinInCanada

comebackgirl wrote:

I think I remember that thread. I'm sorry this is happening again. From what you said above, it sounds like maybe she uses the "break" thing to manipulate you when she's not getting her way. She needs to know your bottom line - that this tearing you apart and using your relationship as a ploy to get what she wants is not something you will tolerate.

My friends think the same to...makes me wonder now that I have go the opinions of like 20 people they all say the samething.....my best friend believes I need to take action and cut it right now....make her feel what life is without for good is and to tell her that this tactic will not work....another side-note that goes along with this is that she told her sister three days ago she wanted things to work and she missed me to death (she is in our store location and am I am at work living at our home in Calgary) and that what sucked with me being away for a couple more weeks is that making up over the phone sucks and it would be better if I was there so she could hug me....like WTF does that mean.....

Throwing this out there is it possilble, although not rational, that she has full intentions of making things right again but is going to "string" me for a ride to hypothetically "put me in my place".....is it possible for someone to think like that....makes me sad because that is not what love is about at all....that is pure manipulation and you simply do not do this to people you love.....

vedderfan10

Rockin'InCanada wrote:

I just looked briefly into that but she is a very outgoing person who will befriend almost everyone she meets....BUT the reaction to changes as outlined in the symptoms seems so very much like her.....kinda of scary....but somethings do not match up.....plus they talk of fears of abandoment which in this case makes no sense as she seems to be the one that is pushing me away.....funny my two best friends believe she is somewhat bi-polar....and they actually mean it......

Yeah, well she's saying that because she knows you won't go for a break...I bet if you called her bluff she'd freak out. She doesn't think that you'd really leave her...

Yeah, your friends might be onto something. Bipolar with Borderline and narcisisstic traits...How about Adjustment Disorder...(sorry I type psych consults all day and hear about all the symptoms of various disorders)?

But setting limits and clear boundaries might be a place to start...And if she's done this before, it doesn't sound like she's going to change anytime soon. I'd show her the door and remind her that it only swings one way...

RockinInCanada

Vedderfan10 wrote:

Yeah, well she's saying that because she knows you won't go for a break...I bet if you called her bluff she'd freak out. She doesn't think that you'd really leave her...

Yeah, your friends might be onto something. Bipolar with Borderline and narcisisstic traits...How about Adjustment Disorder...(sorry I type psych consults all day and hear about all the symptoms of various disorders)?

But setting limits and clear boundaries might be a place to start...And if she's done this before, it doesn't sound like she's going to change anytime soon. I'd show her the door and remind her that it only swings one way...

I think you are 100% right in the bluff....I should of stated that one time I did call her bluff and said what does she want and what I was going to keep and told her to find temporary accodations until she figured out where she was going as if she wanted an end she was getting an end....she had a break-down and just started crying saying how sorry she was for everything.....then she went instantly back into normal loving relationship mode until obviously the next time it happened....