Whats wrong whit ex-boyfriends??

soulsinging

nothingman44 wrote:

why?...

because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.

if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.

either way, make a decision.

you're fooling yourself. she's made her decision but 1) knows she can string you along as much as she wants cos you're too hooked to walk away so she's got the backup and 2) probly is rationalizing it to herself as letting you down easy. she doesn't want to come off like a bitch by kicking you out of her life. you want her to do this becos it allows you to indulge in self-righteous anger and hate her. so instead, she keeps waffling and you keep soaking it up hoping one of these days you'll either provoke her into a response or somehow say something to convince her to come back. and it isn't gonna happen. i've made this mistake.

soulsinging

catefrances wrote:

damn it conor i aahte when you do this. you blanket judge women and it kinda shits me. not all women can just turn their feelings on and off. some of us fall deep and can't just click a switch even if we wanted to.

from the gospel of snoop:

"I know the pussy's mine, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me"

genie

soulsinging wrote:

from the gospel of snoop:

"I know the pussy's mine, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me"

this is dissapointing, i can't believe you listen to this shit.

and for fucks sake there i go responding to your post!!! i hope that pretty soon i can become more wiser and ignore this kind of posts.

Jeanie

genie wrote:

this is dissapointing, i can't believe you listen to this shit.

and for fucks sake there i go responding to your post!!! i hope that pretty soon i can become more wiser and ignore this kind of posts.

Yeah, I agree genie.

It's bloody disappointing to see someone as articulate and well educated as SS resort to cheap shots and misogyny constantly like a broken record.

And I understand why you find it difficult to ignore it. I find it so myself.
If the content of these posts was directed at religion or ethnic groups or other sections of the community his ass would be in a sling from the beating down. I find it sad that he is unable to find a more appropriate way of speaking about women. BUT seems that I am not the only one that has this issue, and it does let him down and look bad for him. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

And esther, I'm really sorry that this situation has come up for you. It's no fun when you're tied to someone even though you are no longer in love with them and they still have the ability to affect your current life. But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. If he's that spineless that he's out the door at the first sign of conflict you're probably well rid of him. Don't worry girl, I'm sure there's a fella out there with backbone that won't be swayed by silly insignificant things that don't matter.

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Yeah, I agree genie.

you guys are missing out if you write off all of hip hop!

Jeanie wrote:

Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

doubtful. i grew into it. learned the hard way to get them before they get you.

Jeanie wrote:

But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.

and at the end of the day, here it is: 9 times outta 10 im spot on with my relationship advice. nobody likes it though, cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.

genie

Jeanie wrote:

Yeah, I agree genie.

It's bloody disappointing to see someone as articulate and well educated as SS resort to cheap shots and misogyny constantly like a broken record.

And I understand why you find it difficult to ignore it. I find it so myself.
If the content of these posts was directed at religion or ethnic groups or other sections of the community his ass would be in a sling from the beating down. I find it sad that he is unable to find a more appropriate way of speaking about women. BUT seems that I am not the only one that has this issue, and it does let him down and look bad for him. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

And esther, I'm really sorry that this situation has come up for you. It's no fun when you're tied to someone even though you are no longer in love with them and they still have the ability to affect your current life. But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. If he's that spineless that he's out the door at the first sign of conflict you're probably well rid of him. Don't worry girl, I'm sure there's a fella out there with backbone that won't be swayed by silly insignificant things that don't matter.

yep, true. i guess it can be difficult for people to move on sometimes.
I on the other hand have difficulty ignoring certain posts, when i know that the best way is to leave them to it. Because sometimes when someone's mind is set, it's hard to make them think otherwise.
And i should definitely wise up a bit.

nothingman44

soulsinging wrote:

you're fooling yourself. she's made her decision but 1) knows she can string you along as much as she wants cos you're too hooked to walk away so she's got the backup and 2) probly is rationalizing it to herself as letting you down easy. she doesn't want to come off like a bitch by kicking you out of her life. you want her to do this becos it allows you to indulge in self-righteous anger and hate her. so instead, she keeps waffling and you keep soaking it up hoping one of these days you'll either provoke her into a response or somehow say something to convince her to come back. and it isn't gonna happen. i've made this mistake.

interesting take...

makes alot of sense. maybe i need to look into ending this thing before i become the bitter one.

nothingman44

soulsinging wrote:

cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.

bingo...

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

you guys are missing out if you write off all of hip hop!

Who's writing off all hip hop? I'd be the last person to censor an artist, trust me. Just gets a bit old if there is no evidence of moving forward. I'm quite sure if I as a white female artist started writing and performing derogatory songs about male n***ers that Snoop would have something to say about it.

soulsinging wrote:

doubtful. i grew into it. learned the hard way to get them before they get you.

oh for goodness sake conor, why on earth would this ridiculous rule apply to nothing else in your life except your attitude to women? Which you own btw.
Just as I don't own the behaviour of my ex's but I do own my attitude to men in general and be damned I'm gonna be so mentally weak as to say that all men are tarred by the same brush simply because I've met more than my fair share of tools. I'm quite sure give it 10 years and your pov will have changed several times when it comes to women and quite a few other things too. Nothing stays the same, we are changing all the time. Why would your issues with women be any different? It's a cop out and far too easy and mentally slack of you to just label and generalize about women the way you do. And quite frankly beneath you. Not to mention insulting to those females of us around here that consider you their friend.

soulsinging wrote:

and at the end of the day, here it is: 9 times outta 10 im spot on with my relationship advice. nobody likes it though, cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.

It has nothing to do with "hearing the truth" or not agreeing with you regarding relationships and more to do with not liking the color you're painting the picture with. It's subjective and tiresome. AND the thing that disturbs me is that it degenerates into cheap shots. Not to mention that there are young blokes around here that listen to what you have to say. I'd prefer you were a bit more well rounded in your comments when it comes to women. Surely it can't be that difficult for you? You're a smart guy.

And none of this has anything to do with esther, who I'm sure couldn't give a fat rat's at this point about either of us!

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Who's writing off all hip hop? I'd be the last person to censor an artist, trust me. Just gets a bit old if there is no evidence of moving forward. I'm quite sure if I as a white female artist started writing and performing derogatory songs about male n***ers that Snoop would have something to say about it.

somehow i doubt he gives a flying fuck what anyone performs or writes songs about. salt'n'pepa sang songs like that and snoop didn't seem to get all bent out of shape like you all are.

Jeanie wrote:

oh for goodness sake conor, why on earth would this ridiculous rule apply to nothing else in your life except your attitude to women? Which you own btw.
Just as I don't own the behaviour of my ex's but I do own my attitude to men in general and be damned I'm gonna be so mentally weak as to say that all men are tarred by the same brush simply because I've met more than my fair share of tools. I'm quite sure give it 10 years and your pov will have changed several times when it comes to women and quite a few other things too. Nothing stays the same, we are changing all the time. Why would your issues with women be any different? It's a cop out and far too easy and mentally slack of you to just label and generalize about women the way you do. And quite frankly beneath you. Not to mention insulting to those females of us around here that consider you their friend.

who's to say that's the only place that rule applies in my life? i'm the same way towards devout religious folks... thus why i'm so hated by em on the train. it's something i live by. people pretty much suck and i expect nothing from any of them other than them doing whatever it takes to get theirs no matter what it costs everyone else. i applied it to my career... from public service/government work, i've decided to work for the big dogs to help them rape, pillage and plunder. why? it pays better.

generalizations and stereotypes become that for a reason. i never claimed this shit applies to every woman who ever walked the face of the earth, but by and large, it will work for most. if you're the exception, congrats. doesn't mean the guys out there should expect that.

Jeanie wrote:

It has nothing to do with "hearing the truth" or not agreeing with you regarding relationships and more to do with not liking the color you're painting the picture with. It's subjective and tiresome. AND the thing that disturbs me is that it degenerates into cheap shots. Not to mention that there are young blokes around here that listen to what you have to say. I'd prefer you were a bit more well rounded in your comments when it comes to women. Surely it can't be that difficult for you? You're a smart guy.

And none of this has anything to do with esther, who I'm sure couldn't give a fat rat's at this point about either of us!

me quoting a song lyric is a cheap shot?

those young blokes would do well to listen to me. you don't trust women, and you assume the worst of them. most times, you'll get what you expect. when you don't you can be pleasantly surprised.

anyway, it's not just misogyny. if you noticed, i started by saying this guy of hers is a ball-less wonder and was lookin for a reason to run and she's better off without a douchebag like that. i put guys no higher than women on this kind of shit-talking. the only reason you perceive it diff is 1) you're looking to get offended becos you say "but im not like that, it isnt fair!" when girls complain about guys i give the straight scoop and am first to say we're assholes. 2) i talk more about the girls becos i'm not trying to fuck or find a decent guy so i by and large dont give a damn how shitty they are to women most of the time.

so my advice to esther is don't be around the ex when he's drunk cos he'll start getting weepy. and minimize contact becos guys don't let the past go and he's going to be jealous of every guy she dates and will never be just her friend, he'll always be looking for that in. and she needs to toss this new guy anyway. he's a fucking pansy if he's that insecure that her ex getting drunk and making embarrassing confessions causes him to pout and storm off.

soulsinging

nothingman44 wrote:

interesting take...

makes alot of sense. maybe i need to look into ending this thing before i become the bitter one.

no, she already ended it, she's just afraid to out and say it. you need to accept it, not speak to her anymore, and stop hoping she will change her mind and come back. otherwise you'll end up like me before long... batshit crazy and angry enough to make sam kinnison look tame.

wolfbear

soulsinging wrote:

it's more insidious than that. the intention is not sadistic, it's selfish. the goal is not to hurt you, the goal is to keep you hanging around and lined up for a fallback if all of her friends end up married and she can't land another, better guy than you, in which case she will ask you to take her back. she will do this regardless of the damage it does to you. you're plan b, the backup, just in case. THAT is why she wants to stay friends, not becos she values you or feels she would miss you if you weren't.

I have to disagree with this as a blanket statement. Maybe it is correct in some, if not most, but I know it is not always the case. The sexual/romantic part of the relationship may be over, but if there was a friendship involved, I don't see why that can't continue if both are adult about it. It's happened to me and others that I know. Friends are valuable and not that easy to find and worth hanging onto. I agree, if both parties aren't on the same page it won't work, but to say it never does just isn't true and if it works it is worth it.

Ahnimus

soulsinging wrote:

maybe you should stop leading him on by answering the phone and telling him you still want to have him in your life as a friend. guys cannot be just friends with exes... period. that's the way it goes. i know it's really easy for you women to just turn off your feelings for a guy on a dime, but we don't. any contact you have with him he is hoping he will say something to bring you back. he will never be your friend.

Man... I'm glad we aren't all like that. Please don't say we are. I'm friends with all my exes, and some of them are married with children now. One of them comes to visit me when she is in town and often she comes alone, her husband trusts her and he trusts me. Nothing goes on between us and quite frankly, I have no desire to be with any of my exes.

This may or may not come as a surprise, but there is neural diversity amongst human beings. No two brains are identical, there are countless configurations. In men, the neuropeptide vasopressin is responsible for pair-bonding/attachment. In women, it's oxytocin. Depending on the density of the receptors in the PFC, a man may or may not be apt to pair-bond and the strength of the bond also depends on the density of these receptors. On a percentile basis, I would rate myself as 30% pair-bonder (monogomous) and 70% sexual (promiscuous). Likely why I have such an easy time letting go of past flames.

Many things affect pair-bonding, mainly the quality and amount of time spent together. Relationship cues tend to steer the relationship. So it's important not to give cues that support a relationship if you don't want one. That includes spending any quality time with the person. It really depends on the configuration of the other person's brain though. For me, a simple "no it's over" is sufficient, for others a complete separation may be required.

soulsinging

Ahnimus wrote:

neural diversity amongst human beings.
neuropeptide vasopressin is responsible for pair-bonding/attachment.
women, it's oxytocin.
density of the receptors in the PFC,
apt to pair-bond
strength of the bond also depends on the density of these receptors.
On a percentile basis,
pair-bonder (monogomous) and
sexual (promiscuous). L

likely why I have such an easy time letting go of past flames.

i think the above terms demonstrating your robotic approach to feelings in general pretty much explains why it is easy to let go of flames.

decides2dream

nothingman44 wrote:

why?...

because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.

if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.

either way, make a decision.

why leave the decision in her hands? that's my point. take charge of YOUR life, and show that you are worth more than gutless waffling. by allowing it to continue like this...you are ALLOWING it to continue. i understand you love her, you are hurt....but you deserve more than that. we ALL do. don't let ANYone ever treat you in such a manner.

so, imho....it's YOUR decision, your fate...why leave that in her obviously incapable hands. she is doing you no favors. so slavage your own sense of self-worth and respect, and say not to all this. walk away, and move on.


as to everything else in this thread...honestly ladies, haven't you learned. :rolleyes: don't waster your time, b/c at the end of the day...while sad and pathetic some of the attitudes displayed, who really cares? it IS sad....but we all make our own reality. i choose a far more positive and proactive one....and i leave the bitterness, self-fulfilling negative prophecies for others to wallow in their shallow stereotypes. they'll never end, but you don't have to engage em. ignore em...and move on too. there are far more worthy attitudes to embrace and disucss and share here. don't try to continaully knock your heads against a brick wall....waste of time, and not worth YOUR time. just my 2 cents. i would never want to be with ANYone who displays such an attitude....so why would i even want to converse with such?


and ahnimus....while i don't fully espouse your clinical view of it, i appreciate the words and thoughts of it. well said. at the end of the day, we're ALL individual. thank bejeebus for that!




how i choose to feel...is how i am.

wolfbear

soulsinging wrote:

i think the above terms demonstrating your robotic approach to feelings in general pretty much explains why it is easy to let go of flames.

Again, I have to disagree. I think he is demonstrating how rational adults deal with life. Two people who have had a relationship can and do move on and remain friends as long as they had a friendship to begin with.

soulsinging

wolfbear wrote:

Again, I have to disagree. I think he is demonstrating how rational adults deal with life. Two people who have had a relationship can and do move on and remain friends as long as they had a friendship to begin with.

i meant to include a winky in that one. he and i have had this debate many times.

i don't believe for a second there is a man out there with human emotion who got dumped by his girl, told she just wanted to be friends, and was cool with watching her go home with another dude to fuck that guy's brains out the very next weekend. no such man exists.

soulsinging

decides2dream wrote:

why leave the decision in her hands? that's my point. take charge of YOUR life, and show that you are worth more than gutless waffling. by allowing it to continue like this...you are ALLOWING it to continue. i understand you love her, you are hurt....but you deserve more than that. we ALL do. don't let ANYone ever treat you in such a manner.

so, imho....it's YOUR decision, your fate...why leave that in her obviously incapable hands. she is doing you no favors. so slavage your own sense of self-worth and respect, and say not to all this. walk away, and move on.

exactly. he's letting this girl manipulate him and play with his head. he is LETTING her. you act like a man, she will see you like a man. you act like an insecure junior high kid desperate for validation, and she will eat you alive. no woman is attracted to that kind of desperation.

wolfbear

soulsinging wrote:

i meant to include a winky in that one. he and i have had this debate many times.

i don't believe for a second there is a man out there with human emotion who got dumped by his girl, told she just wanted to be friends, and was cool with watching her go home with another dude to fuck that guy's brains out the very next weekend. no such man exists.

OK, I get that, but we're not talking the next weekend are we? If we are I sure missed something.

soulsinging

wolfbear wrote:

OK, I get that, but we're not talking the next weekend are we? If we are I sure missed something.

i think we are for nothingman. and for some guys, that never passes, esp if he still has feelings and never distanced himself enough to get over them, as seems to be the case with esther and the ex who is also father to her kid and thus never had a chance to step back. you've got to flat out cut things off and make a clean break until you get your head straight. then, maybe, after a few months, you can rebuild a friendship. but if that apart time never happens, neither does the detaching and you have guys who seem hung up on a girl for years. this is why you hear advice like "don't date coworkers." when things go sour, you are forced to spend time with them. i made that mistake. a girl ripped my heart out and i had to spend a whole summer working with her and having her flat out ask me to cover shifts for her so she could go visit the dude she left me for. i don't care who you say you are, that fucks with your head. maybe if we'd gone a 6 months without speaking to or seeing each other, we could be civil now. who knows? but bottom line is, no guy can shift right from dating into platonic friendship while staying in touch with the girl throughout. if he ever was serious about her, the second she starts seeing the next guy, he's going to start wondering "what does he have that i dont that makes him a lover and me just a friend?" if that doesn't happen, you're not working right.