I really really really hate mine at the moment. Finally after almost 2 years after my break up i find a new b-friend and things going nice and smooth, well so far we're been dating for 2 weeks. My stupid ex got the guts to tell me that he still loves me and wants me back. Now my new -b-friend dumped me cause he got in the way!! Hope it makes any sense im really pissed
so um... want to go out sometime?
kidding, lightening the mood a bit... that really sucks - it's never fun being dumped...
Camden 7-5-2003, Camden 7-6-2003, Hershey 7-12-2003, Camden 5-27-2006, Camden 5-28-2006, Lollapalooza 8-5-2007, Camden 6-19-2008, Camden 6-20-2008, New York 6-24-2008, New York 6-25-2008, Mansfield 6-28-2008, Mansfield 6-30-2008
that doesn't mean you have to answer his phone calls twice per week to listen to him spout off about still loving you and wanting to be with you again.
Actually, I have to answer his calls, like I said, it's a very complicated situation. If you must know,I adopted two children on my own some time ago, whom he became very close to and love which in turn they love him and have a strong bond with him too... and they have no father figure in thier life. Him calling is to see how they are doing, see if I need anything for them.. help driving them or taking them for a weekend to give me a break.. because you see I have no surviving family to help me and he is trying to help out because he cares and has a big heart like me. i have never asked him for help,he has chose this on his own because it is what he wants for him self and the children.
Actually, I have to answer his calls, like I said, it's a very complicated situation. If you must know,I adopted two children on my own some time ago, whom he became very close to and love which in turn they love him and have a strong bond with him too... and they have no father figure in thier life. Him calling is to see how they are doing, see if I need anything for them.. help driving them or taking them for a weekend to give me a break.. because you see I have no surviving family to help me and he is trying to help out because he cares and has a big heart like me. i have never asked him for help,he has chose this on his own because it is what he wants for him self and the children.
then lay it out for him... if he doesn't stop with the advances you will cut him off. or tell him that if you need help, you will call him, not the other way round. you can also let him call the kids direct and not talk to him yourself. there are ways round it other than conversing with him one-on-one and having to put up with his begging every week.
Typical. It's the "If I can't have you, no one should have you!" that leads to stalking!
that is truly scary, sad and true shit.
i feel bad for the thread starter. having a child with an ex means they are ALWAYS a part of your life, and you can never fully remove yourself from that. hopefully, if not with the most current guy.....but maybe....but even with someone else new, you can find someone who can understand the delicate balance needed for the benefit of your child. good luck.
as to remaining friends with exes, except in said circumstance of having a child together....i have to agree, i see NO point in it. i have never remainine 'friends' with an ex, and no desire to. once the love ended...why would i want to torture myself or him being around each other? when it's done, it's done...no BS. always best to be clear, and make a clean break. it might seem cold, but personally, i think it far kinder.
reminds me of the words of the character alice/jane from closer: " i don't love you anymore. it's over. please leave."
not that i'd ever been THAT gruff, but yes...best to be plain about it so you BOTH can move on. i have enough friends, don't need to hold onto a past love as one. basically, any ex of mine, i have NEVER seen again, just like that. funny really...all these years, and i've never even ran into a one. at this point, it might be cool...b/c i never had any animosity towards any of my ex loves...but yes, i just never saw any point in trying for some 'friendship'.....for me, seems like BS. definitely not for me. whoever mentioned being friends with people who basically were fuck buddies, or casual shags....sure, i can see that...and have. if no 'feelings' are or were ever there...beyond friendship and having fun...tis easy then.
once the love ended...why would i want to torture myself or him being around each other? when it's done, it's done...no BS. always best to be clear, and make a clean break. it might seem cold, but personally, i think it far kinder.
reminds me of the words of the character alice/jane from closer: " i don't love you anymore. it's over. please leave."
not that i'd ever been THAT gruff, but yes...best to be plain about it so you BOTH can move on. i have enough friends, don't need to hold onto a past love as one. basically, any ex of mine, i have NEVER seen again, just like that. funny really...all these years, and i've never even ran into a one. at this point, it might be cool...b/c i never had any animosity towards any of my ex loves...but yes, i just never saw any point in trying for some 'friendship'.....for me, seems like BS. definitely not for me. whoever mentioned being friends with people who basically were fuck buddies, or casual shags....sure, i can see that...and have. if no 'feelings' are or were ever there...beyond friendship and having fun...tis easy then.
i couldnt agree more...
thats what i want my ex to say to me. i refuse to say it first becasue she is the one who origianlly broke it off in the first place. but she says she still loves me as a friend and cares deeply about me. to me, it is a bunch of BS. but she is going to have to grow some balls and call it off altogether.
thats what i want my ex to say to me. i refuse to say it first becasue she is the one who origianlly broke it off in the first place. but she says she still loves me as a friend and cares deeply about me. to me, it is a bunch of BS. but she is going to have to grow some balls and call it off altogether.
why?
especially if it's over...why play games? if you feel that way, just say so...and move on. makes you the better/stronger person...and will also help you move forward for yourself more quickly. unless you are holding out some hope to work it out...and maybe you want that, and anything is certainly possible...but unless that, me...i'd far rather be the one to say 'let's move on...it's over, and i don't want to see you or have contact anymore so i can move on with my life.' just my 2 cents.
btw - i highly doubt that she doesn't care for you. i know i always still had 'feelings' for past loves that i ended it with, but yes...it just wasn't as it used to be, or i realized....no, this isn't *the* man for me, etc...and so ended it. i said as much as well. although as i mentioned, i also was VERY clear...it was definitely, completely over.
anyhoo....good luck. it is very obvious your heart hurts :(...and i am truly sorry to see you suffer. time heals all wounds. it's true. i just hope you don't end up scarred/bitter from it, b/c that will only hurt you and future relations, so all the more reason...best to get a clean break asap. hope you find your way back quickly.....
then lay it out for him... if he doesn't stop with the advances you will cut him off. or tell him that if you need help, you will call him, not the other way round. you can also let him call the kids direct and not talk to him yourself. there are ways round it other than conversing with him one-on-one and having to put up with his begging every week.
I'm not about to use the kids as weapon against him, it's not my style. And its not their fault. And most of the time lately, it is them talking to him and not myself... its slowly working out. baby steps.
why?
especially if it's over...why play games? if you feel that way, just say so...and move on. makes you the better/stronger person...and will also help you move forward for yourself more quickly. unless you are holding out some hope to work it out...and maybe you want that, and anything is certainly possible...but unless that, me...i'd far rather be the one to say 'let's move on...it's over, and i don't want to see you or have contact anymore so i can move on with my life.' just my 2 cents.
btw - i highly doubt that she doesn't care for you. i know i always still had 'feelings' for past loves that i ended it with, but yes...it just wasn't as it used to be, or i realized....no, this isn't *the* man for me, etc...and so ended it. i said as much as well. although as i mentioned, i also was VERY clear...it was definitely, completely over.
anyhoo....good luck. it is very obvious your heart hurts :(...and i am truly sorry to see you suffer. time heals all wounds. it's true. i just hope you don't end up scarred/bitter from it, b/c that will only hurt you and future relations, so all the more reason...best to get a clean break asap. hope you find your way back quickly.....
why?...
because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.
if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.
maybe you should stop leading him on by answering the phone and telling him you still want to have him in your life as a friend. guys cannot be just friends with exes... period. that's the way it goes. i know it's really easy for you women to just turn off your feelings for a guy on a dime, but we don't. any contact you have with him he is hoping he will say something to bring you back. he will never be your friend.
damn it conor i aahte when you do this. you blanket judge women and it kinda shits me. not all women can just turn their feelings on and off. some of us fall deep and can't just click a switch even if we wanted to.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
its harsh to say all women are cold. Even when ive been the one to end a relationship, its never been easy for me to switch off. if anything its harder because you cant play the victim and have to face the consequences of your choice full on, usually to the judgement of people around you. And staying friends is a reasonable expectation, depending on why and how it ended. if you hate someone for a long time, you are just as connected to them as u wld be staying in contact on a friendly basis.
I know someone whose ex boyfriend made the new boyfriend hand over some nude photos he had taken of her that she had then thought better of. And he did it because he cared about her, not because he wanted her back, and she felt like he was the best person to help. Feelings dont always disappear overnight.
because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.
if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.
either way, make a decision.
you're fooling yourself. she's made her decision but 1) knows she can string you along as much as she wants cos you're too hooked to walk away so she's got the backup and 2) probly is rationalizing it to herself as letting you down easy. she doesn't want to come off like a bitch by kicking you out of her life. you want her to do this becos it allows you to indulge in self-righteous anger and hate her. so instead, she keeps waffling and you keep soaking it up hoping one of these days you'll either provoke her into a response or somehow say something to convince her to come back. and it isn't gonna happen. i've made this mistake.
damn it conor i aahte when you do this. you blanket judge women and it kinda shits me. not all women can just turn their feelings on and off. some of us fall deep and can't just click a switch even if we wanted to.
from the gospel of snoop:
"I know the pussy's mine, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me"
"I know the pussy's mine, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me"
this is dissapointing, i can't believe you listen to this shit.
and for fucks sake there i go responding to your post!!! i hope that pretty soon i can become more wiser and ignore this kind of posts.
this is dissapointing, i can't believe you listen to this shit.
and for fucks sake there i go responding to your post!!! i hope that pretty soon i can become more wiser and ignore this kind of posts.
Yeah, I agree genie.
It's bloody disappointing to see someone as articulate and well educated as SS resort to cheap shots and misogyny constantly like a broken record.
And I understand why you find it difficult to ignore it. I find it so myself.
If the content of these posts was directed at religion or ethnic groups or other sections of the community his ass would be in a sling from the beating down. I find it sad that he is unable to find a more appropriate way of speaking about women. BUT seems that I am not the only one that has this issue, and it does let him down and look bad for him. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.
And esther, I'm really sorry that this situation has come up for you. It's no fun when you're tied to someone even though you are no longer in love with them and they still have the ability to affect your current life. But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. If he's that spineless that he's out the door at the first sign of conflict you're probably well rid of him. Don't worry girl, I'm sure there's a fella out there with backbone that won't be swayed by silly insignificant things that don't matter.
But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.
and at the end of the day, here it is: 9 times outta 10 im spot on with my relationship advice. nobody likes it though, cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.
It's bloody disappointing to see someone as articulate and well educated as SS resort to cheap shots and misogyny constantly like a broken record.
And I understand why you find it difficult to ignore it. I find it so myself.
If the content of these posts was directed at religion or ethnic groups or other sections of the community his ass would be in a sling from the beating down. I find it sad that he is unable to find a more appropriate way of speaking about women. BUT seems that I am not the only one that has this issue, and it does let him down and look bad for him. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.
And esther, I'm really sorry that this situation has come up for you. It's no fun when you're tied to someone even though you are no longer in love with them and they still have the ability to affect your current life. But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. If he's that spineless that he's out the door at the first sign of conflict you're probably well rid of him. Don't worry girl, I'm sure there's a fella out there with backbone that won't be swayed by silly insignificant things that don't matter.
yep, true. i guess it can be difficult for people to move on sometimes.
I on the other hand have difficulty ignoring certain posts, when i know that the best way is to leave them to it. Because sometimes when someone's mind is set, it's hard to make them think otherwise.
And i should definitely wise up a bit.
you're fooling yourself. she's made her decision but 1) knows she can string you along as much as she wants cos you're too hooked to walk away so she's got the backup and 2) probly is rationalizing it to herself as letting you down easy. she doesn't want to come off like a bitch by kicking you out of her life. you want her to do this becos it allows you to indulge in self-righteous anger and hate her. so instead, she keeps waffling and you keep soaking it up hoping one of these days you'll either provoke her into a response or somehow say something to convince her to come back. and it isn't gonna happen. i've made this mistake.
interesting take...
makes alot of sense. maybe i need to look into ending this thing before i become the bitter one.
cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.
you guys are missing out if you write off all of hip hop!
Who's writing off all hip hop? I'd be the last person to censor an artist, trust me. Just gets a bit old if there is no evidence of moving forward. I'm quite sure if I as a white female artist started writing and performing derogatory songs about male n***ers that Snoop would have something to say about it.
doubtful. i grew into it. learned the hard way to get them before they get you.
oh for goodness sake conor, why on earth would this ridiculous rule apply to nothing else in your life except your attitude to women? Which you own btw.
Just as I don't own the behaviour of my ex's but I do own my attitude to men in general and be damned I'm gonna be so mentally weak as to say that all men are tarred by the same brush simply because I've met more than my fair share of tools. I'm quite sure give it 10 years and your pov will have changed several times when it comes to women and quite a few other things too. Nothing stays the same, we are changing all the time. Why would your issues with women be any different? It's a cop out and far too easy and mentally slack of you to just label and generalize about women the way you do. And quite frankly beneath you. Not to mention insulting to those females of us around here that consider you their friend.
and at the end of the day, here it is: 9 times outta 10 im spot on with my relationship advice. nobody likes it though, cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.
It has nothing to do with "hearing the truth" or not agreeing with you regarding relationships and more to do with not liking the color you're painting the picture with. It's subjective and tiresome. AND the thing that disturbs me is that it degenerates into cheap shots. Not to mention that there are young blokes around here that listen to what you have to say. I'd prefer you were a bit more well rounded in your comments when it comes to women. Surely it can't be that difficult for you? You're a smart guy.
And none of this has anything to do with esther, who I'm sure couldn't give a fat rat's at this point about either of us!
Who's writing off all hip hop? I'd be the last person to censor an artist, trust me. Just gets a bit old if there is no evidence of moving forward. I'm quite sure if I as a white female artist started writing and performing derogatory songs about male n***ers that Snoop would have something to say about it.
somehow i doubt he gives a flying fuck what anyone performs or writes songs about. salt'n'pepa sang songs like that and snoop didn't seem to get all bent out of shape like you all are.
oh for goodness sake conor, why on earth would this ridiculous rule apply to nothing else in your life except your attitude to women? Which you own btw.
Just as I don't own the behaviour of my ex's but I do own my attitude to men in general and be damned I'm gonna be so mentally weak as to say that all men are tarred by the same brush simply because I've met more than my fair share of tools. I'm quite sure give it 10 years and your pov will have changed several times when it comes to women and quite a few other things too. Nothing stays the same, we are changing all the time. Why would your issues with women be any different? It's a cop out and far too easy and mentally slack of you to just label and generalize about women the way you do. And quite frankly beneath you. Not to mention insulting to those females of us around here that consider you their friend.
who's to say that's the only place that rule applies in my life? i'm the same way towards devout religious folks... thus why i'm so hated by em on the train. it's something i live by. people pretty much suck and i expect nothing from any of them other than them doing whatever it takes to get theirs no matter what it costs everyone else. i applied it to my career... from public service/government work, i've decided to work for the big dogs to help them rape, pillage and plunder. why? it pays better.
generalizations and stereotypes become that for a reason. i never claimed this shit applies to every woman who ever walked the face of the earth, but by and large, it will work for most. if you're the exception, congrats. doesn't mean the guys out there should expect that.
It has nothing to do with "hearing the truth" or not agreeing with you regarding relationships and more to do with not liking the color you're painting the picture with. It's subjective and tiresome. AND the thing that disturbs me is that it degenerates into cheap shots. Not to mention that there are young blokes around here that listen to what you have to say. I'd prefer you were a bit more well rounded in your comments when it comes to women. Surely it can't be that difficult for you? You're a smart guy.
And none of this has anything to do with esther, who I'm sure couldn't give a fat rat's at this point about either of us!
me quoting a song lyric is a cheap shot?
those young blokes would do well to listen to me. you don't trust women, and you assume the worst of them. most times, you'll get what you expect. when you don't you can be pleasantly surprised.
anyway, it's not just misogyny. if you noticed, i started by saying this guy of hers is a ball-less wonder and was lookin for a reason to run and she's better off without a douchebag like that. i put guys no higher than women on this kind of shit-talking. the only reason you perceive it diff is 1) you're looking to get offended becos you say "but im not like that, it isnt fair!" when girls complain about guys i give the straight scoop and am first to say we're assholes. 2) i talk more about the girls becos i'm not trying to fuck or find a decent guy so i by and large dont give a damn how shitty they are to women most of the time.
so my advice to esther is don't be around the ex when he's drunk cos he'll start getting weepy. and minimize contact becos guys don't let the past go and he's going to be jealous of every guy she dates and will never be just her friend, he'll always be looking for that in. and she needs to toss this new guy anyway. he's a fucking pansy if he's that insecure that her ex getting drunk and making embarrassing confessions causes him to pout and storm off.
makes alot of sense. maybe i need to look into ending this thing before i become the bitter one.
no, she already ended it, she's just afraid to out and say it. you need to accept it, not speak to her anymore, and stop hoping she will change her mind and come back. otherwise you'll end up like me before long... batshit crazy and angry enough to make sam kinnison look tame.
it's more insidious than that. the intention is not sadistic, it's selfish. the goal is not to hurt you, the goal is to keep you hanging around and lined up for a fallback if all of her friends end up married and she can't land another, better guy than you, in which case she will ask you to take her back. she will do this regardless of the damage it does to you. you're plan b, the backup, just in case. THAT is why she wants to stay friends, not becos she values you or feels she would miss you if you weren't.
I have to disagree with this as a blanket statement. Maybe it is correct in some, if not most, but I know it is not always the case. The sexual/romantic part of the relationship may be over, but if there was a friendship involved, I don't see why that can't continue if both are adult about it. It's happened to me and others that I know. Friends are valuable and not that easy to find and worth hanging onto. I agree, if both parties aren't on the same page it won't work, but to say it never does just isn't true and if it works it is worth it.
"I'd rather be with an animal." "Those that can be trusted can change their mind." "The in between is mine." "If I don't lose control, explore and not explode, a preternatural other plane with the power to maintain." "Yeh this is living." "Life is what you make it."
maybe you should stop leading him on by answering the phone and telling him you still want to have him in your life as a friend. guys cannot be just friends with exes... period. that's the way it goes. i know it's really easy for you women to just turn off your feelings for a guy on a dime, but we don't. any contact you have with him he is hoping he will say something to bring you back. he will never be your friend.
Man... I'm glad we aren't all like that. Please don't say we are. I'm friends with all my exes, and some of them are married with children now. One of them comes to visit me when she is in town and often she comes alone, her husband trusts her and he trusts me. Nothing goes on between us and quite frankly, I have no desire to be with any of my exes.
This may or may not come as a surprise, but there is neural diversity amongst human beings. No two brains are identical, there are countless configurations. In men, the neuropeptide vasopressin is responsible for pair-bonding/attachment. In women, it's oxytocin. Depending on the density of the receptors in the PFC, a man may or may not be apt to pair-bond and the strength of the bond also depends on the density of these receptors. On a percentile basis, I would rate myself as 30% pair-bonder (monogomous) and 70% sexual (promiscuous). Likely why I have such an easy time letting go of past flames.
Many things affect pair-bonding, mainly the quality and amount of time spent together. Relationship cues tend to steer the relationship. So it's important not to give cues that support a relationship if you don't want one. That includes spending any quality time with the person. It really depends on the configuration of the other person's brain though. For me, a simple "no it's over" is sufficient, for others a complete separation may be required.
I necessarily have the passion for writing this, and you have the passion for condemning me; both of us are equally fools, equally the toys of destiny. Your nature is to do harm, mine is to love truth, and to make it public in spite of you. - Voltaire
neural diversity amongst human beings.
neuropeptide vasopressin is responsible for pair-bonding/attachment.
women, it's oxytocin.
density of the receptors in the PFC,
apt to pair-bond
strength of the bond also depends on the density of these receptors.
On a percentile basis,
pair-bonder (monogomous) and
sexual (promiscuous). L
likely why I have such an easy time letting go of past flames.
i think the above terms demonstrating your robotic approach to feelings in general pretty much explains why it is easy to let go of flames.
because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.
if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.
either way, make a decision.
why leave the decision in her hands? that's my point. take charge of YOUR life, and show that you are worth more than gutless waffling. by allowing it to continue like this...you are ALLOWING it to continue. i understand you love her, you are hurt....but you deserve more than that. we ALL do. don't let ANYone ever treat you in such a manner.
so, imho....it's YOUR decision, your fate...why leave that in her obviously incapable hands. she is doing you no favors. so slavage your own sense of self-worth and respect, and say not to all this. walk away, and move on.
as to everything else in this thread...honestly ladies, haven't you learned. :rolleyes: don't waster your time, b/c at the end of the day...while sad and pathetic some of the attitudes displayed, who really cares? it IS sad....but we all make our own reality. i choose a far more positive and proactive one....and i leave the bitterness, self-fulfilling negative prophecies for others to wallow in their shallow stereotypes. they'll never end, but you don't have to engage em. ignore em...and move on too. there are far more worthy attitudes to embrace and disucss and share here. don't try to continaully knock your heads against a brick wall....waste of time, and not worth YOUR time. just my 2 cents. i would never want to be with ANYone who displays such an attitude....so why would i even want to converse with such?
and ahnimus....while i don't fully espouse your clinical view of it, i appreciate the words and thoughts of it. well said. at the end of the day, we're ALL individual. thank bejeebus for that!
i think the above terms demonstrating your robotic approach to feelings in general pretty much explains why it is easy to let go of flames.
Again, I have to disagree. I think he is demonstrating how rational adults deal with life. Two people who have had a relationship can and do move on and remain friends as long as they had a friendship to begin with.
"I'd rather be with an animal." "Those that can be trusted can change their mind." "The in between is mine." "If I don't lose control, explore and not explode, a preternatural other plane with the power to maintain." "Yeh this is living." "Life is what you make it."
Again, I have to disagree. I think he is demonstrating how rational adults deal with life. Two people who have had a relationship can and do move on and remain friends as long as they had a friendship to begin with.
i meant to include a winky in that one. he and i have had this debate many times.
i don't believe for a second there is a man out there with human emotion who got dumped by his girl, told she just wanted to be friends, and was cool with watching her go home with another dude to fuck that guy's brains out the very next weekend. no such man exists.
why leave the decision in her hands? that's my point. take charge of YOUR life, and show that you are worth more than gutless waffling. by allowing it to continue like this...you are ALLOWING it to continue. i understand you love her, you are hurt....but you deserve more than that. we ALL do. don't let ANYone ever treat you in such a manner.
so, imho....it's YOUR decision, your fate...why leave that in her obviously incapable hands. she is doing you no favors. so slavage your own sense of self-worth and respect, and say not to all this. walk away, and move on.
exactly. he's letting this girl manipulate him and play with his head. he is LETTING her. you act like a man, she will see you like a man. you act like an insecure junior high kid desperate for validation, and she will eat you alive. no woman is attracted to that kind of desperation.
i meant to include a winky in that one. he and i have had this debate many times.
i don't believe for a second there is a man out there with human emotion who got dumped by his girl, told she just wanted to be friends, and was cool with watching her go home with another dude to fuck that guy's brains out the very next weekend. no such man exists.
OK, I get that, but we're not talking the next weekend are we? If we are I sure missed something.
"I'd rather be with an animal." "Those that can be trusted can change their mind." "The in between is mine." "If I don't lose control, explore and not explode, a preternatural other plane with the power to maintain." "Yeh this is living." "Life is what you make it."
OK, I get that, but we're not talking the next weekend are we? If we are I sure missed something.
i think we are for nothingman. and for some guys, that never passes, esp if he still has feelings and never distanced himself enough to get over them, as seems to be the case with esther and the ex who is also father to her kid and thus never had a chance to step back. you've got to flat out cut things off and make a clean break until you get your head straight. then, maybe, after a few months, you can rebuild a friendship. but if that apart time never happens, neither does the detaching and you have guys who seem hung up on a girl for years. this is why you hear advice like "don't date coworkers." when things go sour, you are forced to spend time with them. i made that mistake. a girl ripped my heart out and i had to spend a whole summer working with her and having her flat out ask me to cover shifts for her so she could go visit the dude she left me for. i don't care who you say you are, that fucks with your head. maybe if we'd gone a 6 months without speaking to or seeing each other, we could be civil now. who knows? but bottom line is, no guy can shift right from dating into platonic friendship while staying in touch with the girl throughout. if he ever was serious about her, the second she starts seeing the next guy, he's going to start wondering "what does he have that i dont that makes him a lover and me just a friend?" if that doesn't happen, you're not working right.
Comments
kidding, lightening the mood a bit... that really sucks - it's never fun being dumped...
Actually, I have to answer his calls, like I said, it's a very complicated situation. If you must know,I adopted two children on my own some time ago, whom he became very close to and love which in turn they love him and have a strong bond with him too... and they have no father figure in thier life. Him calling is to see how they are doing, see if I need anything for them.. help driving them or taking them for a weekend to give me a break.. because you see I have no surviving family to help me and he is trying to help out because he cares and has a big heart like me. i have never asked him for help,he has chose this on his own because it is what he wants for him self and the children.
then lay it out for him... if he doesn't stop with the advances you will cut him off. or tell him that if you need help, you will call him, not the other way round. you can also let him call the kids direct and not talk to him yourself. there are ways round it other than conversing with him one-on-one and having to put up with his begging every week.
that is truly scary, sad and true shit.
i feel bad for the thread starter. having a child with an ex means they are ALWAYS a part of your life, and you can never fully remove yourself from that. hopefully, if not with the most current guy.....but maybe....but even with someone else new, you can find someone who can understand the delicate balance needed for the benefit of your child. good luck.
as to remaining friends with exes, except in said circumstance of having a child together....i have to agree, i see NO point in it. i have never remainine 'friends' with an ex, and no desire to. once the love ended...why would i want to torture myself or him being around each other? when it's done, it's done...no BS. always best to be clear, and make a clean break. it might seem cold, but personally, i think it far kinder.
reminds me of the words of the character alice/jane from closer: " i don't love you anymore. it's over. please leave."
not that i'd ever been THAT gruff, but yes...best to be plain about it so you BOTH can move on. i have enough friends, don't need to hold onto a past love as one. basically, any ex of mine, i have NEVER seen again, just like that. funny really...all these years, and i've never even ran into a one. at this point, it might be cool...b/c i never had any animosity towards any of my ex loves...but yes, i just never saw any point in trying for some 'friendship'.....for me, seems like BS. definitely not for me. whoever mentioned being friends with people who basically were fuck buddies, or casual shags....sure, i can see that...and have. if no 'feelings' are or were ever there...beyond friendship and having fun...tis easy then.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
i couldnt agree more...
thats what i want my ex to say to me. i refuse to say it first becasue she is the one who origianlly broke it off in the first place. but she says she still loves me as a friend and cares deeply about me. to me, it is a bunch of BS. but she is going to have to grow some balls and call it off altogether.
why?
especially if it's over...why play games? if you feel that way, just say so...and move on. makes you the better/stronger person...and will also help you move forward for yourself more quickly. unless you are holding out some hope to work it out...and maybe you want that, and anything is certainly possible...but unless that, me...i'd far rather be the one to say 'let's move on...it's over, and i don't want to see you or have contact anymore so i can move on with my life.' just my 2 cents.
btw - i highly doubt that she doesn't care for you. i know i always still had 'feelings' for past loves that i ended it with, but yes...it just wasn't as it used to be, or i realized....no, this isn't *the* man for me, etc...and so ended it. i said as much as well. although as i mentioned, i also was VERY clear...it was definitely, completely over.
anyhoo....good luck. it is very obvious your heart hurts :(...and i am truly sorry to see you suffer. time heals all wounds. it's true. i just hope you don't end up scarred/bitter from it, b/c that will only hurt you and future relations, so all the more reason...best to get a clean break asap. hope you find your way back quickly.....
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
I'm not about to use the kids as weapon against him, it's not my style. And its not their fault. And most of the time lately, it is them talking to him and not myself... its slowly working out. baby steps.
why?...
because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.
if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.
either way, make a decision.
damn it conor i aahte when you do this. you blanket judge women and it kinda shits me. not all women can just turn their feelings on and off. some of us fall deep and can't just click a switch even if we wanted to.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
its harsh to say all women are cold. Even when ive been the one to end a relationship, its never been easy for me to switch off. if anything its harder because you cant play the victim and have to face the consequences of your choice full on, usually to the judgement of people around you. And staying friends is a reasonable expectation, depending on why and how it ended. if you hate someone for a long time, you are just as connected to them as u wld be staying in contact on a friendly basis.
I know someone whose ex boyfriend made the new boyfriend hand over some nude photos he had taken of her that she had then thought better of. And he did it because he cared about her, not because he wanted her back, and she felt like he was the best person to help. Feelings dont always disappear overnight.
you're fooling yourself. she's made her decision but 1) knows she can string you along as much as she wants cos you're too hooked to walk away so she's got the backup and 2) probly is rationalizing it to herself as letting you down easy. she doesn't want to come off like a bitch by kicking you out of her life. you want her to do this becos it allows you to indulge in self-righteous anger and hate her. so instead, she keeps waffling and you keep soaking it up hoping one of these days you'll either provoke her into a response or somehow say something to convince her to come back. and it isn't gonna happen. i've made this mistake.
from the gospel of snoop:
"I know the pussy's mine, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me"
this is dissapointing, i can't believe you listen to this shit.
and for fucks sake there i go responding to your post!!! i hope that pretty soon i can become more wiser and ignore this kind of posts.
It's bloody disappointing to see someone as articulate and well educated as SS resort to cheap shots and misogyny constantly like a broken record.
And I understand why you find it difficult to ignore it. I find it so myself.
If the content of these posts was directed at religion or ethnic groups or other sections of the community his ass would be in a sling from the beating down. I find it sad that he is unable to find a more appropriate way of speaking about women. BUT seems that I am not the only one that has this issue, and it does let him down and look bad for him. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.
And esther, I'm really sorry that this situation has come up for you. It's no fun when you're tied to someone even though you are no longer in love with them and they still have the ability to affect your current life. But I do agree with what SS said that the new fella is the one that needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. If he's that spineless that he's out the door at the first sign of conflict you're probably well rid of him. Don't worry girl, I'm sure there's a fella out there with backbone that won't be swayed by silly insignificant things that don't matter.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
you guys are missing out if you write off all of hip hop!
doubtful. i grew into it. learned the hard way to get them before they get you.
and at the end of the day, here it is: 9 times outta 10 im spot on with my relationship advice. nobody likes it though, cos nobody likes to hear the truth: that people are petty, selfish, and fucked up, and will walk over you just as readily as they will look at you, let alone go out of their way to be considerate of you.
yep, true. i guess it can be difficult for people to move on sometimes.
I on the other hand have difficulty ignoring certain posts, when i know that the best way is to leave them to it. Because sometimes when someone's mind is set, it's hard to make them think otherwise.
And i should definitely wise up a bit.
interesting take...
makes alot of sense. maybe i need to look into ending this thing before i become the bitter one.
bingo...
Who's writing off all hip hop? I'd be the last person to censor an artist, trust me. Just gets a bit old if there is no evidence of moving forward. I'm quite sure if I as a white female artist started writing and performing derogatory songs about male n***ers that Snoop would have something to say about it.
oh for goodness sake conor, why on earth would this ridiculous rule apply to nothing else in your life except your attitude to women? Which you own btw.
Just as I don't own the behaviour of my ex's but I do own my attitude to men in general and be damned I'm gonna be so mentally weak as to say that all men are tarred by the same brush simply because I've met more than my fair share of tools. I'm quite sure give it 10 years and your pov will have changed several times when it comes to women and quite a few other things too. Nothing stays the same, we are changing all the time. Why would your issues with women be any different? It's a cop out and far too easy and mentally slack of you to just label and generalize about women the way you do. And quite frankly beneath you. Not to mention insulting to those females of us around here that consider you their friend.
It has nothing to do with "hearing the truth" or not agreeing with you regarding relationships and more to do with not liking the color you're painting the picture with. It's subjective and tiresome. AND the thing that disturbs me is that it degenerates into cheap shots. Not to mention that there are young blokes around here that listen to what you have to say. I'd prefer you were a bit more well rounded in your comments when it comes to women. Surely it can't be that difficult for you? You're a smart guy.
And none of this has anything to do with esther, who I'm sure couldn't give a fat rat's at this point about either of us!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
somehow i doubt he gives a flying fuck what anyone performs or writes songs about. salt'n'pepa sang songs like that and snoop didn't seem to get all bent out of shape like you all are.
who's to say that's the only place that rule applies in my life? i'm the same way towards devout religious folks... thus why i'm so hated by em on the train. it's something i live by. people pretty much suck and i expect nothing from any of them other than them doing whatever it takes to get theirs no matter what it costs everyone else. i applied it to my career... from public service/government work, i've decided to work for the big dogs to help them rape, pillage and plunder. why? it pays better.
generalizations and stereotypes become that for a reason. i never claimed this shit applies to every woman who ever walked the face of the earth, but by and large, it will work for most. if you're the exception, congrats. doesn't mean the guys out there should expect that.
me quoting a song lyric is a cheap shot?
those young blokes would do well to listen to me. you don't trust women, and you assume the worst of them. most times, you'll get what you expect. when you don't you can be pleasantly surprised.
anyway, it's not just misogyny. if you noticed, i started by saying this guy of hers is a ball-less wonder and was lookin for a reason to run and she's better off without a douchebag like that. i put guys no higher than women on this kind of shit-talking. the only reason you perceive it diff is 1) you're looking to get offended becos you say "but im not like that, it isnt fair!" when girls complain about guys i give the straight scoop and am first to say we're assholes. 2) i talk more about the girls becos i'm not trying to fuck or find a decent guy so i by and large dont give a damn how shitty they are to women most of the time.
so my advice to esther is don't be around the ex when he's drunk cos he'll start getting weepy. and minimize contact becos guys don't let the past go and he's going to be jealous of every guy she dates and will never be just her friend, he'll always be looking for that in. and she needs to toss this new guy anyway. he's a fucking pansy if he's that insecure that her ex getting drunk and making embarrassing confessions causes him to pout and storm off.
no, she already ended it, she's just afraid to out and say it. you need to accept it, not speak to her anymore, and stop hoping she will change her mind and come back. otherwise you'll end up like me before long... batshit crazy and angry enough to make sam kinnison look tame.
Man... I'm glad we aren't all like that. Please don't say we are. I'm friends with all my exes, and some of them are married with children now. One of them comes to visit me when she is in town and often she comes alone, her husband trusts her and he trusts me. Nothing goes on between us and quite frankly, I have no desire to be with any of my exes.
This may or may not come as a surprise, but there is neural diversity amongst human beings. No two brains are identical, there are countless configurations. In men, the neuropeptide vasopressin is responsible for pair-bonding/attachment. In women, it's oxytocin. Depending on the density of the receptors in the PFC, a man may or may not be apt to pair-bond and the strength of the bond also depends on the density of these receptors. On a percentile basis, I would rate myself as 30% pair-bonder (monogomous) and 70% sexual (promiscuous). Likely why I have such an easy time letting go of past flames.
Many things affect pair-bonding, mainly the quality and amount of time spent together. Relationship cues tend to steer the relationship. So it's important not to give cues that support a relationship if you don't want one. That includes spending any quality time with the person. It really depends on the configuration of the other person's brain though. For me, a simple "no it's over" is sufficient, for others a complete separation may be required.
i think the above terms demonstrating your robotic approach to feelings in general pretty much explains why it is easy to let go of flames.
why leave the decision in her hands? that's my point. take charge of YOUR life, and show that you are worth more than gutless waffling. by allowing it to continue like this...you are ALLOWING it to continue. i understand you love her, you are hurt....but you deserve more than that. we ALL do. don't let ANYone ever treat you in such a manner.
so, imho....it's YOUR decision, your fate...why leave that in her obviously incapable hands. she is doing you no favors. so slavage your own sense of self-worth and respect, and say not to all this. walk away, and move on.
as to everything else in this thread...honestly ladies, haven't you learned. :rolleyes: don't waster your time, b/c at the end of the day...while sad and pathetic some of the attitudes displayed, who really cares? it IS sad....but we all make our own reality. i choose a far more positive and proactive one....and i leave the bitterness, self-fulfilling negative prophecies for others to wallow in their shallow stereotypes. they'll never end, but you don't have to engage em. ignore em...and move on too.
and ahnimus....while i don't fully espouse your clinical view of it, i appreciate the words and thoughts of it. well said. at the end of the day, we're ALL individual. thank bejeebus for that!
how i choose to feel...is how i am.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
i meant to include a winky in that one. he and i have had this debate many times.
i don't believe for a second there is a man out there with human emotion who got dumped by his girl, told she just wanted to be friends, and was cool with watching her go home with another dude to fuck that guy's brains out the very next weekend. no such man exists.
exactly. he's letting this girl manipulate him and play with his head. he is LETTING her. you act like a man, she will see you like a man. you act like an insecure junior high kid desperate for validation, and she will eat you alive. no woman is attracted to that kind of desperation.
i think we are for nothingman. and for some guys, that never passes, esp if he still has feelings and never distanced himself enough to get over them, as seems to be the case with esther and the ex who is also father to her kid and thus never had a chance to step back. you've got to flat out cut things off and make a clean break until you get your head straight. then, maybe, after a few months, you can rebuild a friendship. but if that apart time never happens, neither does the detaching and you have guys who seem hung up on a girl for years. this is why you hear advice like "don't date coworkers." when things go sour, you are forced to spend time with them. i made that mistake. a girl ripped my heart out and i had to spend a whole summer working with her and having her flat out ask me to cover shifts for her so she could go visit the dude she left me for. i don't care who you say you are, that fucks with your head. maybe if we'd gone a 6 months without speaking to or seeing each other, we could be civil now. who knows? but bottom line is, no guy can shift right from dating into platonic friendship while staying in touch with the girl throughout. if he ever was serious about her, the second she starts seeing the next guy, he's going to start wondering "what does he have that i dont that makes him a lover and me just a friend?" if that doesn't happen, you're not working right.