Whats wrong whit ex-boyfriends??

esther1977

The problem is he will always be a part of my live (damn) we have a son together of 3,5 years old.

genie

esther1977 wrote:

No it was my b-day party( well what a party) and we where at a pub, he was there, and just out of the blue he told me this. I walked away but then i text me . My new (well now old) did see this. In the morning when i was drinking my coffee (big hangover) ask me what he told me, but i didn't even had to tel him he figured it al out.

oh, i see. that sucks. But you did walk away, so your new boyfriend should've seen that you don't love your ex. i'm sorry for you, don't worry you'll find someone else someone more understanding

wavescamecrashing

that makes more sense.

still applies though about him letting your past together go for the sake of yuor happiness, as the mother of his child, this should be his priority anyway,

it can get really complicated with kids involved because it takes a stong person to be able to enter into a relationship realising that their needs will be second to a childs. some people are so selfish its untrue.

i was with a guy whose ex was pregnant (he didnt tell me until we were quite serious) and in the end i walked away from the situation because i didnt feel i could stand in the way of them having a go at patching it up. it seemed to me that they still loved each other. I dont think they are together now but they talk and his little girl is gorgeous.

and on a different level, its hard to feel you can create a bond stronger than having a kid together when you first meet someone who has that history, though of course, not everyone thinks like that.

soulsinging

esther1977 wrote:

No it was my b-day party( well what a party) and we where at a pub, he was there, and just out of the blue he told me this. I walked away but then i text me . My new (well now old) did see this. In the morning when i was drinking my coffee (big hangover) ask me what he told me, but i didn't even had to tel him he figured it al out.

ah-ha... now the whole story. you made it sound like you had not heard from your ex in 2 years. now we hear you have a kid together. didn't the new guy know that? even so, your ex was drunk and feeling mopey and probably jealous. your current bf is over-reacting. unless you were dodgy about it. sounds to me like you might still have feelings about your ex and want it both ways.

Earthgirl

nothingman44 wrote:

after sharing feelings, and sometimes intimate moments,that are more than a "freindly" level, it is tough for guys to accept the "i like you as a friend" line.

yah, well there's a lot more to it then that. Would the guy rather I ignore him and treat him like crap, no, we talked about this... I like to keep it very business like... hi, how are you, see you later.

soulsinging

Earthgirl wrote:

yah, well there's a lot more to it then that. Would the guy rather I ignore him and treat him like crap, no, we talked about this... I like to keep it very business like... hi, how are you, see you later.

do you see him regularly or something? the best thing you can do is ignore him, yes. talking to him only gives him vain hope.

nothingman44

soulsinging wrote:

do you see him regularly or something? the best thing you can do is ignore him, yes. talking to him only gives him vain hope.

exactly...the worst words a guy can hear from a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend is "i like you better as a friend." especially after a serious relaitonship has already taken place. there is not 1 rational guy in this world that would be ok with being friends after he has been dumped because the girl thinks of him as a friend.

any guy that says they are ok with it is lying.

things may work out to be friendly after some time but its not something that is going to blossom into a great friendship immediately.

deadnothingbetter

esther1977 wrote:

I really really really hate mine at the moment. Finally after almost 2 years after my break up i find a new b-friend and things going nice and smooth, well so far we're been dating for 2 weeks. My stupid ex got the guts to tell me that he still loves me and wants me back. Now my new -b-friend dumped me cause he got in the way!! Hope it makes any sense im really pissed

i think he did it on purpose... maybe a way of a revenge. i think.

Earthgirl

soulsinging wrote:

do you see him regularly or something? the best thing you can do is ignore him, yes. talking to him only gives him vain hope.

it's much more complicated then that.... we HAVE to see each other about once a month. Its not a choice thing on either side.

soulsinging

Earthgirl wrote:

it's much more complicated then that.... we HAVE to see each other about once a month. Its not a choice thing on either side.

that doesn't mean you have to answer his phone calls twice per week to listen to him spout off about still loving you and wanting to be with you again.

hiding103006

esther1977 wrote:

I really really really hate mine at the moment. Finally after almost 2 years after my break up i find a new b-friend and things going nice and smooth, well so far we're been dating for 2 weeks. My stupid ex got the guts to tell me that he still loves me and wants me back. Now my new -b-friend dumped me cause he got in the way!! Hope it makes any sense im really pissed

so um... want to go out sometime?

kidding, lightening the mood a bit... that really sucks - it's never fun being dumped...

Earthgirl

soulsinging wrote:

that doesn't mean you have to answer his phone calls twice per week to listen to him spout off about still loving you and wanting to be with you again.

Actually, I have to answer his calls, like I said, it's a very complicated situation. If you must know,I adopted two children on my own some time ago, whom he became very close to and love which in turn they love him and have a strong bond with him too... and they have no father figure in thier life. Him calling is to see how they are doing, see if I need anything for them.. help driving them or taking them for a weekend to give me a break.. because you see I have no surviving family to help me and he is trying to help out because he cares and has a big heart like me. i have never asked him for help,he has chose this on his own because it is what he wants for him self and the children.

soulsinging

Earthgirl wrote:

Actually, I have to answer his calls, like I said, it's a very complicated situation. If you must know,I adopted two children on my own some time ago, whom he became very close to and love which in turn they love him and have a strong bond with him too... and they have no father figure in thier life. Him calling is to see how they are doing, see if I need anything for them.. help driving them or taking them for a weekend to give me a break.. because you see I have no surviving family to help me and he is trying to help out because he cares and has a big heart like me. i have never asked him for help,he has chose this on his own because it is what he wants for him self and the children.

then lay it out for him... if he doesn't stop with the advances you will cut him off. or tell him that if you need help, you will call him, not the other way round. you can also let him call the kids direct and not talk to him yourself. there are ways round it other than conversing with him one-on-one and having to put up with his begging every week.

decides2dream

Marbles wrote:

Typical. It's the "If I can't have you, no one should have you!" that leads to stalking!

that is truly scary, sad and true shit.



i feel bad for the thread starter. having a child with an ex means they are ALWAYS a part of your life, and you can never fully remove yourself from that. hopefully, if not with the most current guy.....but maybe....but even with someone else new, you can find someone who can understand the delicate balance needed for the benefit of your child. good luck.


as to remaining friends with exes, except in said circumstance of having a child together....i have to agree, i see NO point in it. i have never remainine 'friends' with an ex, and no desire to. once the love ended...why would i want to torture myself or him being around each other? when it's done, it's done...no BS. always best to be clear, and make a clean break. it might seem cold, but personally, i think it far kinder.

reminds me of the words of the character alice/jane from closer: " i don't love you anymore. it's over. please leave."

not that i'd ever been THAT gruff, but yes...best to be plain about it so you BOTH can move on. i have enough friends, don't need to hold onto a past love as one. basically, any ex of mine, i have NEVER seen again, just like that. funny really...all these years, and i've never even ran into a one. at this point, it might be cool...b/c i never had any animosity towards any of my ex loves...but yes, i just never saw any point in trying for some 'friendship'.....for me, seems like BS. definitely not for me. whoever mentioned being friends with people who basically were fuck buddies, or casual shags....sure, i can see that...and have. if no 'feelings' are or were ever there...beyond friendship and having fun...tis easy then.

nothingman44

decides2dream wrote:

once the love ended...why would i want to torture myself or him being around each other? when it's done, it's done...no BS. always best to be clear, and make a clean break. it might seem cold, but personally, i think it far kinder.

reminds me of the words of the character alice/jane from closer: " i don't love you anymore. it's over. please leave."

not that i'd ever been THAT gruff, but yes...best to be plain about it so you BOTH can move on. i have enough friends, don't need to hold onto a past love as one. basically, any ex of mine, i have NEVER seen again, just like that. funny really...all these years, and i've never even ran into a one. at this point, it might be cool...b/c i never had any animosity towards any of my ex loves...but yes, i just never saw any point in trying for some 'friendship'.....for me, seems like BS. definitely not for me. whoever mentioned being friends with people who basically were fuck buddies, or casual shags....sure, i can see that...and have. if no 'feelings' are or were ever there...beyond friendship and having fun...tis easy then.

i couldnt agree more...

thats what i want my ex to say to me. i refuse to say it first becasue she is the one who origianlly broke it off in the first place. but she says she still loves me as a friend and cares deeply about me. to me, it is a bunch of BS. but she is going to have to grow some balls and call it off altogether.

decides2dream

nothingman44 wrote:

i couldnt agree more...

thats what i want my ex to say to me. i refuse to say it first becasue she is the one who origianlly broke it off in the first place. but she says she still loves me as a friend and cares deeply about me. to me, it is a bunch of BS. but she is going to have to grow some balls and call it off altogether.

why?
especially if it's over...why play games? if you feel that way, just say so...and move on. makes you the better/stronger person...and will also help you move forward for yourself more quickly. unless you are holding out some hope to work it out...and maybe you want that, and anything is certainly possible...but unless that, me...i'd far rather be the one to say 'let's move on...it's over, and i don't want to see you or have contact anymore so i can move on with my life.' just my 2 cents.


btw - i highly doubt that she doesn't care for you. i know i always still had 'feelings' for past loves that i ended it with, but yes...it just wasn't as it used to be, or i realized....no, this isn't *the* man for me, etc...and so ended it. i said as much as well. although as i mentioned, i also was VERY clear...it was definitely, completely over.


anyhoo....good luck. it is very obvious your heart hurts :(...and i am truly sorry to see you suffer. time heals all wounds. it's true. i just hope you don't end up scarred/bitter from it, b/c that will only hurt you and future relations, so all the more reason...best to get a clean break asap. hope you find your way back quickly.....

Earthgirl

soulsinging wrote:

then lay it out for him... if he doesn't stop with the advances you will cut him off. or tell him that if you need help, you will call him, not the other way round. you can also let him call the kids direct and not talk to him yourself. there are ways round it other than conversing with him one-on-one and having to put up with his begging every week.

I'm not about to use the kids as weapon against him, it's not my style. And its not their fault. And most of the time lately, it is them talking to him and not myself... its slowly working out. baby steps.

nothingman44

decides2dream wrote:

why?
especially if it's over...why play games? if you feel that way, just say so...and move on. makes you the better/stronger person...and will also help you move forward for yourself more quickly. unless you are holding out some hope to work it out...and maybe you want that, and anything is certainly possible...but unless that, me...i'd far rather be the one to say 'let's move on...it's over, and i don't want to see you or have contact anymore so i can move on with my life.' just my 2 cents.


btw - i highly doubt that she doesn't care for you. i know i always still had 'feelings' for past loves that i ended it with, but yes...it just wasn't as it used to be, or i realized....no, this isn't *the* man for me, etc...and so ended it. i said as much as well. although as i mentioned, i also was VERY clear...it was definitely, completely over.


anyhoo....good luck. it is very obvious your heart hurts :(...and i am truly sorry to see you suffer. time heals all wounds. it's true. i just hope you don't end up scarred/bitter from it, b/c that will only hurt you and future relations, so all the more reason...best to get a clean break asap. hope you find your way back quickly.....

why?...

because she has been so elusive and vague about everything. if she wants something, she should just say it. she knows what my feelings are, yet, she still feels the need to tell me a bunch of BS about how she still cares about me and wants me to be friends with her...just not her boyfriend. i would be fine with that if she never decided to be more than friends in the first place.

if she wants to kick me to the curb, do it.
if she wants to leave the door open, do it.

either way, make a decision.

catefrances

soulsinging wrote:

maybe you should stop leading him on by answering the phone and telling him you still want to have him in your life as a friend. guys cannot be just friends with exes... period. that's the way it goes. i know it's really easy for you women to just turn off your feelings for a guy on a dime, but we don't. any contact you have with him he is hoping he will say something to bring you back. he will never be your friend.

damn it conor i aahte when you do this. you blanket judge women and it kinda shits me. not all women can just turn their feelings on and off. some of us fall deep and can't just click a switch even if we wanted to.

wavescamecrashing

yes, im with you there catefrances.

its harsh to say all women are cold. Even when ive been the one to end a relationship, its never been easy for me to switch off. if anything its harder because you cant play the victim and have to face the consequences of your choice full on, usually to the judgement of people around you. And staying friends is a reasonable expectation, depending on why and how it ended. if you hate someone for a long time, you are just as connected to them as u wld be staying in contact on a friendly basis.

I know someone whose ex boyfriend made the new boyfriend hand over some nude photos he had taken of her that she had then thought better of. And he did it because he cared about her, not because he wanted her back, and she felt like he was the best person to help. Feelings dont always disappear overnight.