My sister walks the long road...

Heatherj43

dcfaithful wrote:

Hi everybody, I was just hoping I could get some people together to just drop a line, spin a record, and show some respects for a lost gem. Nicole Lee Clark (my sister), took her own life on June 27th, 2007.

She was a beautiful person, with a unbeatable soul. A loving wife and mother to four kids. She is survived by her husband, two brothers and her four kids (ages 12, 7 and twins age 2.)

My sister meant so much to me and is responsible for getting me into Pearl Jam, a band that has stolen my heart. She looked past her own misery to help others deal with theirs, she struggled with substance abuse for years but she will struggle no more.

I love and miss you Nicole.

Nicole Lee Clark
April 19th, 1977 - June 27th, 2007

I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful person. I hope her kids, family, and loved ones can understand why she did what she did. It sounds like you understand. I know the loss will always be there, but just understanding why sometimes helps. And yes, she is now at peace, something it sounds like she couldn't find here.

Heatherj43

dcfaithful wrote:

prfctlefts wrote:

I know we don't know each other,but Im very sorry for the loss of your sister. I couldn't imagine loosing mine. Im sure it's very hard around the hollidays. I hope it get's better for you and your family.

Thanks a lot.

Time is the best medicine. I struggled for a long time with my anger towards her, but I realized that wasn't a good way to remember her. I've since then really done my best to understand what she must have been going through.

Holidays are okay...the fact of the matter is is that no one wants to bring up my sister, or even really remember her....no one chooses to talk about her, even the good memories...and it pisses me the fuck off. I finally spoke my mind about this year and to my surprise, my mom agreed with me 100%.

Pretty shitty how people think that just cause someone has a life long struggle and has decided to use drugs for an escape that they are no longer worthy of love, recognition or even respect...really shows how shallow and judging some people can be. No one is better than anyone else...the sooner these people realize that, the better...for their own sake.

I know of young people who died in various ways. Some by drug abuse others by disease. No one wants to talk about any of them either. I think its fear of bringing everyone down, or someone not getting through it okay and having a breakdown. Stuff like that. What we need to remember is that people DO want to talk about the ones they have loss. My sister lost her 19 year old daughter to cystic fibrosis and I wouldn't talk about her for the longest time. Not because I was having a tough time with it, but because I didn't want my sister to have to remember and go backwards in her grief. I have since learned that my sister needs to talk about her. I have also learned that all because someone has died, they still did have a life and to not talk about them is like acting as if they never existed. My niece DID exist and there is lots to talk about and remicense about. WE want to talk about her now. I don't want her, or others I have lost, to be as if they were never here.They are still loved, there are still memories, there is still lots to say.
I do talk about her to my sister now, and she talks too me about her also. She didn't before. I know my sister wants to talk, because she does. We talk about her just as I talk about my kids when they were little and all the stuff that went on. My niece was also a child and all that stuff happened to her along her journey of life. No more will I act like it didn't happen. It did!! Now, when my sis brings up my niece I treat the story just as if she were still alive and we are just recollecting the past, the same way we do about my own kids.

Heatherj43

onelongsong wrote:

your story brought tears to my eyes. last monday i laid in bed with a gun to my head so i can understand. when you have a disability that controls your life you feel that the world is no longer meant for you. especially if you had a place in this world and it was taken from you. my thoughts are with you and your sister but know it didn't have anything to do with the people around her. this was a personal decision of hers.
peace

Hi, its Heather. I haven't spoke with you in a long time. I am sorry to hear this is how you have been feeling. Last April, I took 80 Dilantin pills. Its a seizure med, for those who don't know. Anyway, I somehow lived. My blood level was well over 1000 when its suppose to between 10 and 20. Heck, they have, in the past, hopsitalized me for being toxic on it when my level has rose above 25. Everyone, incuding doctors, were shocked I survived. I didn't get to hospital 'til next day, 'cuz I took them and went to bed, hoping to not awake, but I did.
I have felt really down at times, but not suicidal ever since. It didn't scare me. It angered me that I lived, but for some reason I have given up the fight to die. I have a lot of family members mad at me. I know they have that right. I just don't understand how they can be mad, because of how much they care, yet not forgive me now. It doesn't help. Its like, what the hell...they'd be mad had I succeeded or not.
I live for myself totally now. I am still ill, but I am able to control things better. The doctors and their lousy meds weren't working, so I am using street drugs. I was in Narcotics Anonymous for 11 years, totally clean the entire time, but since I have relapsed, I am doing so much better and don't want to die. Many people from the 12 step program tell me how I need to come back and I'm in denial, blah, blah, blah, but if this is what it takes to stay alive, then to hell with that! The way they all want it, I would be clean and sober, but dead.
Do what you need to do for you. I've missed talking with you.

dcfaithful

I love that this thread is still alive. Please mods, don't get rid of it anytime soon.

Today is Nicole's birthday...she would be 33 today. I miss you more with every day that passes.

PS. I'm not sure why this is in AMT..

nuffingman

Who cares where it goes DC, it doesn't matter where you remember her. Sorry for your loss.

keeponrockin

Touching story that its still up here. Lets keep it going guys.

dcfaithful

nuffingman wrote:

Who cares where it goes DC, it doesn't matter where you remember her. Sorry for your loss.

That is the truth, it just surprised me as I swore I originally posted it in AET. But like you said, it doesn't matter.

I wish I could be outside in this beautiful weather to celebrate. :roll:

badbrains

First off Happy Bday Nicole!!!!!!!

And Dave, fuck man, I can't believe I haven't seen this thread before... What can any of us say dave, there aren't enough words.....Sorry on your loss just doesn't seem to do it. Life does suck at times and sometimes nobody gets you. I think if people would LISTEN more than PREACH, maybe this world would be a better place for ALL of us, but in reality we don't and it isn't. Be strong my brother and if you ever need an ear or if you ever need to vent, DONT ever hesitate to reach out to your PJ Family. We all don't really know each other, but we're all spiritualy connected. This IS YOUR family to and we are all here for you and anyone else that needs someone to just listen. Here's hoping PJ play Long Road at any show for Nicole....

alivegirl

Saw this thread today for the first time, so sorry for your loss. Hope time has helped heal the wounds, but you can never fully recover from the passing of a loved one.. How are the children? Just wanna say we're all ears when you need to let this stuff out. Oh and like badbrains said Happy Birthday Nicole! Her spirit lives on through you and her family. Stay strong

dcfaithful

badbrains wrote:

First off Happy Bday Nicole!!!!!!!

And Dave, fuck man, I can't believe I haven't seen this thread before... What can any of us say dave, there aren't enough words.....Sorry on your loss just doesn't seem to do it. Life does suck at times and sometimes nobody gets you. I think if people would LISTEN more than PREACH, maybe this world would be a better place for ALL of us, but in reality we don't and it isn't. Be strong my brother and if you ever need an ear or if you ever need to vent, DONT ever hesitate to reach out to your PJ Family. We all don't really know each other, but we're all spiritualy connected. This IS YOUR family to and we are all here for you and anyone else that needs someone to just listen. Here's hoping PJ play Long Road at any show for Nicole....

Fantastic.

BTW, I traveled last summer to Chicago to catch the 8/23 PJ show. The whole time we were there I could feel Nicole's energy with me. From the minute we entered the building it was a combination of her and the bands energy. I was in one of the best places I've ever been in my life.

With a smile on my face and my heart pounding, I entered the venue, and found my seats. Got my beer. Lit up....and heard the first notes of Long Road. Life is beautiful, and I finally enjoyed a PJ concert with my sister.

dcfaithful

This thread is still alive, and I love it.

Happy Birthday, Nicole.

EmBleve

This is the first time I have seen it, and my heart goes out to Nicole (although she is at peace now), the family, and all the other PJ family on this thread who have expressed their feelings and emotions. Caring thoughts to all of you.

mysticweed

hey dcf

we all walk the long road

cannot stay
my friend

peace

he.who.forgets

just stumbling across this thread for the first time myself, DC. So very sorry to hear. Glad that the thread is still alive so that we are reminded to keep sending well wishes. Hope you and family are doing well my friend and wishing Nicole and very happy birthday

eMMI

Happy birthday, Nicole.

ShimmyMommy

dcfaithful, I am so sorry. Peace, love and light to Nicole, you, and all who knew her. I am playing Long Road right now.

ONCE DEVIDED

THE LONG ROAD holds me up when im feeling down
I hold most to

And the wind keeps rollin'
And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set
The sun will rise another day

thoughts are with you

cincybearcat

Man, I feel terrible for those kids she left behind.

I hope they are doing well and are able to deal with this in the best way possible for them.

dcfaithful

I've had a lot of time to think about this, and the more I have discussed it with my parents, along with remembering my sister's hot-temper and ability to sometimes act without thinking things through I am starting to really change my thoughts about this.

I seriously think that my sister was extremely angry/upset and went looking to party, and did it too hard.

I guess I can only speculate...

How I wish for you today.

dcfaithful

Would be 35 years old today.

Happy Birthday, sis.