a freind just told me she was assaulted

flywallyfly

coryhill wrote:

With his cut off face glued to it.

Would you not do that for your child:D

I like your thinking ! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks outside the box when it comes to his kid !

tara

sapperskunk wrote:

Do something to make her really really angry, then get her on board to whoop his ass. Recruit some friends and have a blast. (hey, that rhymed)

The first time I really kicked somebodys ass was when I was 15, my buddy was sixteen and we waited in a grocery store parking lot to beat the shit out of his brother in law who got rough with his sister one time. It felt great, and what's he gonna say, "Well officer, they kicked my ass because I beat my wife?."

You just got a free ass kicking card, you should use it, it's fun and I guarantee you'll feel better.

thanks for the laugh sapperskunk, but i'm not the ass-kicking type, except with my brother (he's a big guy, it's a fair fight, don't worry).
and as many of you mentioned, this is all too common, this is my third freind who has confessed this to me, the first two were raped, this one almost. it makes me sad how common it is, and how many of you women responded here to say that you have experience with this, i wish i could take it away from everyone. thank you hippiemom for the advice, that was very good sense, it helps to hear it from a consellor.
abookamongsthemany, i've had experiences like that too, i've always tried to laugh it off. when i was in india i went to report a theft so that i could make an insurance claim, the police officer stood about 6 inches from me, i kept backing off, he moved forward, he used the situation to physically intimidate me, luckily i was a foreigner and that was the only time i would have to deal with them.
thank you to all the men who responded. hearing this for the third time made me so angry at men, at how patriarchal our society is, at how other men didn't believe her. it made me happy to hear that there are men out there who felt as strongly as i did.
lastly, to make this pj related ( ) i emailed her a few of the tracks off of the self-pollution radio broadcast where eddie is talking about fundraising for a group that provides self-defense classes for women, and another track that he played where a man talks about what he wants to do to men who disrespect women. she emailed me back saying that she's starting to understand why i'm obsessed with eddie. i truely think that it helps to hear it from a man.
and hippiemom, yes, i am trying to support her in whatever she chooses, she really doesn't want to prosecute, but i'm trying to encourage her to tell the boss (she quit awhile after it happened), i think that something needs to happen so that he doesn't do it again. i told her that she may not want to hurt him, but that she owes it to his potential future victims to do something about it.
thanks everyone for helping me out, i sort of feel like i don't have the right to be upset, but you're all making me feel a hell of a lot better.

hippiemom

tara wrote:

thanks for the laugh sapperskunk, but i'm not the ass-kicking type, except with my brother (he's a big guy, it's a fair fight, don't worry).
and as many of you mentioned, this is all too common, this is my third freind who has confessed this to me, the first two were raped, this one almost. it makes me sad how common it is, and how many of you women responded here to say that you have experience with this, i wish i could take it away from everyone. thank you hippiemom for the advice, that was very good sense, it helps to hear it from a consellor.
abookamongsthemany, i've had experiences like that too, i've always tried to laugh it off. when i was in india i went to report a theft so that i could make an insurance claim, the police officer stood about 6 inches from me, i kept backing off, he moved forward, he used the situation to physically intimidate me, luckily i was a foreigner and that was the only time i would have to deal with them.
thank you to all the men who responded. hearing this for the third time made me so angry at men, at how patriarchal our society is, at how other men didn't believe her. it made me happy to hear that there are men out there who felt as strongly as i did.
lastly, to make this pj related ( ) i emailed her a few of the tracks off of the self-pollution radio broadcast where eddie is talking about fundraising for a group that provides self-defense classes for women, and another track that he played where a man talks about what he wants to do to men who disrespect women. she emailed me back saying that she's starting to understand why i'm obsessed with eddie. i truely think that it helps to hear it from a man.
and hippiemom, yes, i am trying to support her in whatever she chooses, she really doesn't want to prosecute, but i'm trying to encourage her to tell the boss (she quit awhile after it happened), i think that something needs to happen so that he doesn't do it again. i told her that she may not want to hurt him, but that she owes it to his potential future victims to do something about it.
thanks everyone for helping me out, i sort of feel like i don't have the right to be upset, but you're all making me feel a hell of a lot better.

Of course you have the right to be upset! Shit, I'M upset, and I don't even know her! You're a good friend, and it sounds like you're doing exactly all the right things. I wish the best of all things to both of you

Jeanie

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I was an a similar situation but it didn't go near as far. The head of HR where I work used to come on to me all the time. I never gave him anything to go on back but he never got the hint. He would say things like 'We should discuss this over dinner' and 'I've always wanted a wife like you' to which I'd just laugh off and ignore. But then he started getting creeper and creeper. He sent me emails betting on election results saying what would the prize be if he won. I said how about a pepsi and he said he had a greater prize in mind. Ugghh. I work a lot of the time in a dark room developing artwork and no one is allowed back there with me. He started started showing up back there telling me how nice I looked in what i was wearing and how he prefered me to wear my hair this way...I mean WTF. But with each time he'd come back there he'd get closer and closer to me and I'd keep backing up to where I was knocking into things. He was in a position way over me and I really didn't know what to do. He never grabbed at me but sometimes he would rub my back as he passed by and once he put his fingers around the back of my neck and squeezed. That pissed me off but again all I did was just pull away. It's weird how powerless it makes you feel at work and him being able to fire me, lie about me, who knows. I didn't even feel like the normal me when it would happen. I don't know how it just strips you of your dignity and power so quickly. I felt helpless. I thought a long time about wanting to report him but I didn't want to ruin someones life when he didn't ruin mine...he just made me VERY uncomfortable. I mean I guess he just had a crush and didn't know how to control it but it was very uncalled for. At times I was scared and didn't know what might happen next. That's where the problem comes in. No one should feel so pressured and uneasy in their workplace. There were times I 'd hear him talking outside to other employees and I'd get real still and pretend I wasn't in there until he'd go away. He still emails me to this day...last week saying 'how about us slipping away for an hour or two today.' I never reply...what a weirdo! I just want him to go away. I don't want to make a big deal...just leave me alone. I wish he would just get the hint. It felt good getting that off my chest.

Just be there to support your friend and try not to pressure her into doing anything she's not comfortble with just yet. Just be there for her until she finds her own strength. Your friendship will make her stronger.

Abook!!! Come on girl!! I know you are uncomfortable in this situation, I completely understand but please, please, please, try to find the courage to just tell him. In plain English. No hinting. You don't need to yell. You don't need to tell the boss. But you do need to be very clear. "Don't email me anymore. I won't be accepting anymore from you. Leave me alone." You will feel so much better if you do it girl. This guys sounds like a total creep. And you deserve so much better from life than having to put up with creeps.

Jeanie

hippiemom wrote:

Tara, I'm so sorry this happened to your friend :( As others have said, it's all too common. I do have some experience in this area, as both a survivor and a rape crisis counselor, so just a few points ...

I see you're in Toronto, and surely there must be a rape crisis center in a city that large. If she hasn't contacted them already, she should at once. Crisis centers in most large cities offer free counseling, and they can often provide someone to go with her to her boss, to the police, and to court if she should choose to go that route.

There are good reasons to prosecute, even if it doesn't result in a conviction. As coryhill mentioned, it would do this guy a lot of good to have to worry for a few months about whether HE might be the next rape victim he knows. Also, sexual predators almost never strike once. Even if he gets off because of a lack of evidence, there will be a police file, which will help the next person he tries this shit on ... an established pattern of behavior will make police take the next woman's account even more seriously and work harder to nail the guy.

I know it's enormously difficult to prosecute, and I've never met a survivor who wanted to do it. I've also never met one who was sorry she did. Even when things don't work out the way we might want them to, even when the experience is downright traumatic, women seem to feel some long-term satisfaction knowing that they did everything they could do, and dealt with the situation head-on.

I hope her counselor is working with her on her guilt feelings over this guy's job. Again, it's very common, as women are often raised to be the peacemakers, many of us just can't stand to make anyone's life difficult, even when we're more than entitled. Her boss absolutely needs to be told. Not only is this guy a threat to every woman he works with, but he's putting his employer at risk of a sexual harrassment suit.

I really can't recommend getting violent with the guy, as that puts her (or whomever is acting on her behalf) at risk of being jailed. She's got enough to deal with right now without having to feel guilty about her dad/brother/boyfriend sitting in a cell on her account.

Finally, no matter how strong your feelings are about what she should do, the most important thing is to support her in whatever her final decisions might be. She needs to feel in control of her own life and to know that the people around her love and support her no matter what she does.

Please let us know how she's doing, and feel free to PM me any time if there's anything at all I can do to help. Good luck to both of you. She's lucky to have you as a friend

Bravo hippiemom!! EXCELLENT advice, all of it.

CorporateWhore

"Rapist"
Combat 84

He's a dirty and evil man
And no one wants to know
He could be living in your town
The sign of the Rapist doesn't show
Young girls come to me
Stalking victims in the street
When it happens no-one sees
You're just dragged down off your feet

[Chorus]
Capital Punishment
A stronger Government

Plastic mask and hairy wig
You're too scared to show your face
You're acting like a dirty pig
You're a cancer of the human race
Filth of society should all die
We need a stronger government
All you gotta do is hang 'em high
We want capital punishment

[Chorus]

We need a stronger government
Bring back capital punishment
[x4]

[Chorus]

Hang 'em, hang 'em, hang 'em high
You watch those fucking bastards die
[x4]

[Chorus]

Last Exodus

coryhill wrote:

My mind goes in some pretty strange places, but people die for stuff like that down here. Your kids are always your kids no matter what the age. I truly believe an ass beating party needs to be assembled for a 4:00a.m. meeting on his ass. I'll bet he'd never say a word.

You guys still know how to roll down south...

Last Exodus

hippiemom wrote:

Tara, I'm so sorry this happened to your friend :( As others have said, it's all too common. I do have some experience in this area, as both a survivor and a rape crisis counselor, so just a few points ...

I see you're in Toronto, and surely there must be a rape crisis center in a city that large. If she hasn't contacted them already, she should at once. Crisis centers in most large cities offer free counseling, and they can often provide someone to go with her to her boss, to the police, and to court if she should choose to go that route.

There are good reasons to prosecute, even if it doesn't result in a conviction. As coryhill mentioned, it would do this guy a lot of good to have to worry for a few months about whether HE might be the next rape victim he knows. Also, sexual predators almost never strike once. Even if he gets off because of a lack of evidence, there will be a police file, which will help the next person he tries this shit on ... an established pattern of behavior will make police take the next woman's account even more seriously and work harder to nail the guy.

I know it's enormously difficult to prosecute, and I've never met a survivor who wanted to do it. I've also never met one who was sorry she did. Even when things don't work out the way we might want them to, even when the experience is downright traumatic, women seem to feel some long-term satisfaction knowing that they did everything they could do, and dealt with the situation head-on.

I hope her counselor is working with her on her guilt feelings over this guy's job. Again, it's very common, as women are often raised to be the peacemakers, many of us just can't stand to make anyone's life difficult, even when we're more than entitled. Her boss absolutely needs to be told. Not only is this guy a threat to every woman he works with, but he's putting his employer at risk of a sexual harrassment suit.

I really can't recommend getting violent with the guy, as that puts her (or whomever is acting on her behalf) at risk of being jailed. She's got enough to deal with right now without having to feel guilty about her dad/brother/boyfriend sitting in a cell on her account.

Finally, no matter how strong your feelings are about what she should do, the most important thing is to support her in whatever her final decisions might be. She needs to feel in control of her own life and to know that the people around her love and support her no matter what she does.

Please let us know how she's doing, and feel free to PM me any time if there's anything at all I can do to help. Good luck to both of you. She's lucky to have you as a friend

Tara, listen to her...

catefrances

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I was an a similar situation but it didn't go near as far. The head of HR where I work used to come on to me all the time. I never gave him anything to go on back but he never got the hint. He would say things like 'We should discuss this over dinner' and 'I've always wanted a wife like you' to which I'd just laugh off and ignore. But then he started getting creeper and creeper. He sent me emails betting on election results saying what would the prize be if he won. I said how about a pepsi and he said he had a greater prize in mind. Ugghh. I work a lot of the time in a dark room developing artwork and no one is allowed back there with me. He started started showing up back there telling me how nice I looked in what i was wearing and how he prefered me to wear my hair this way...I mean WTF. But with each time he'd come back there he'd get closer and closer to me and I'd keep backing up to where I was knocking into things. He was in a position way over me and I really didn't know what to do. He never grabbed at me but sometimes he would rub my back as he passed by and once he put his fingers around the back of my neck and squeezed. That pissed me off but again all I did was just pull away. It's weird how powerless it makes you feel at work and him being able to fire me, lie about me, who knows. I didn't even feel like the normal me when it would happen. I don't know how it just strips you of your dignity and power so quickly. I felt helpless. I thought a long time about wanting to report him but I didn't want to ruin someones life when he didn't ruin mine...he just made me VERY uncomfortable. I mean I guess he just had a crush and didn't know how to control it but it was very uncalled for. At times I was scared and didn't know what might happen next. That's where the problem comes in. No one should feel so pressured and uneasy in their workplace. There were times I 'd hear him talking outside to other employees and I'd get real still and pretend I wasn't in there until he'd go away. He still emails me to this day...last week saying 'how about us slipping away for an hour or two today.' I never reply...what a weirdo! I just want him to go away. I don't want to make a big deal...just leave me alone. I wish he would just get the hint. It felt good getting that off my chest.

Just be there to support your friend and try not to pressure her into doing anything she's not comfortble with just yet. Just be there for her until she finds her own strength. Your friendship will make her stronger.

i'd be printing off those emails and showing someone. oh and i'd confront him as well. he's not seeing you as a threat and he needs to. in semi-public in a voice a little louder than my threatening voice, i'd tell him if he didn't fuck off i would fuck him over and not in the good way.
show him that you have copies of the emails. sometimes creeps just do not respond to anything but a metaphorical punch in the face.

SuzannePjam

When I was in college in Philadelphia a bouncer who was a "friend of a friend" offered to give me a ride home from a bar. I was so happy because I never had any money and it would have saved me the bus fare. Before I knew it all of the sudden we were heading over the Ben Franklin bridge to an area where there were burned out factories and seedy row houses. I was terrified and kept pleading with him to take me back. He dragged me in his house and locked the door and but for the grace of God I got out without being assaulted. He chased me through back yards until I lost him. (I ran track in high school) But then I was stuck in one of the worst areas outside of Philly. I flagged down a car and this man was kind enough to drive me all the way back to my dorm when I told him what happened. I think one of the most devastating things for me was when I told my friends the next day they didn't believe me and said how nice he was because he let us into the bar for free and bought us drinks. (obviously he was looking which one of us he could get his hands on) I never pressed charge because I felt if my own "friends" didn't believe me, then the police probably wouldn't. I went* into therapy years later because I kept having such terrible nightmares. It has done me a world of good.

Tara, your friend should not worry about this man losing his job--he brought this on himself because of his actions.**Look at it this way, if this man walked into the bosses office and pissed on his desk, his actions would have led him to being fired. This assault*was worse, and he should be punished for it.*Your friend should not have to work with someone who assaulted her.* This man might have done this to someone else in the past or may do it to someone in the future. He KNOWS his behavior was wrong, and he chose to do it anyway and at the very least he should be reported about at work. She might actually be saving a future victim, which is something I feel bad about to this day because I always wonder if that bouncer hurt another girl that wasn't as lucky as me.*

*Whatever her choice is, being her friend and helping her through this is a wonderful thing to do, and she should be grateful for having someone as kind as you to support her.

SuzannePjam

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

He still emails me to this day...last week saying 'how about us slipping away for an hour or two today.' I never reply...what a weirdo! I just want him to go away. I don't want to make a big deal...just leave me alone. I wish he would just get the hint. It felt good getting that off my chest.

Abook, obviously if this has been going on for an extended period of time he's not getting the hint. And that statement of "getting away for an hour or two" obviously insinuates he wants to have sex. I hope you are saving those emails and that there is someone where you work that is over him and can, at the very least, reprimand him. I would never confront him with it because you don't know how he will react. Just keep collecting the evidence in case you need it.

Also, see if there are any witnesses to his behavior with you that can confirm your situation of harassment. But the most important and damning thing is his emails, because he was stupid enough to put his bad behavior on written documents. They can't fire you if you have this evidence that he is harassing you, or you can take them to court.

Good luck with your situation!

soulsinging

hippiemom wrote:

I really can't recommend getting violent with the guy, as that puts her (or whomever is acting on her behalf) at risk of being jailed. She's got enough to deal with right now without having to feel guilty about her dad/brother/boyfriend sitting in a cell on her account.

not to mention, the guys advocating this are the kind of guys who are likely to have done what this guy did to her friend.

cory

soulsinging wrote:

not to mention, the guys advocating this are the kind of guys who are likely to have done what this guy did to her friend.

Maybe. Or it could be that it's happened to our mothers or sisters. Or it could be that you don't have kids and you don't know how you'd react. Either way, he probably wouldn't press charges for assault if he knew he was facing an attempted rape charge.

I know what you're trying to do soulsinging, but it's not gonna happen. You're stuck with me.

Rushlimbo

soulsinging wrote:

not to mention, the guys advocating this are the kind of guys who are likely to have done what this guy did to her friend.

edited for being mean

Rushlimbo

soulsinging wrote:

not to mention, the guys advocating this are the kind of guys who are likely to have done what this guy did to her friend.

Perhaps you should get out into the real world for awhile and see what humans are capable of before you hit your 21,000 post. You can carry your keyboard with you as a security blanket.

norm

Rushlimbo wrote:

Perhaps you should get out into the real world for awhile and see what humans are capable of before you hit your 21,000 post. You can carry your keyboard with you as a security blanket.

That's right because violence always solves everything. :rolleyes:

Jeanie

for some of you to maintain your dignity and composure and keep yourselves nice on some of these more sensitive threads?

No really.

cory

cutback wrote:

That's right because violence always solves everything. :rolleyes:

Throughout the history of time, violence has always been the leader concerning change. Think about the Indians and what we did to them, the Revolutionary war, Civil War, Civil Rights movements (and if you think they were peaceful, ummmm no), the war in Iraq, etc....those are just a very few of the thousands of instances where violence was chosen over diplomacy.

There's nothing wrong with violence. It's part of being human and knowing when to use it. I think someone harming your child is a great place for some good old fashioned ass beatings.

I think the advocates for non-violence are the ones who are defenseless. It'll never go away though.

Jeanie

we could just stick to the topic of the thread..............................

cory

Jeanie wrote:

we could just stick to the topic of the thread..............................

Jeanie, I think we're trying to justify why we would handle this situation different ways. Some would use violence, some would press charges, and some would do nothing. All the rest is a pissing match explaining why we would choose how we'd handle it.

Don't be so hard on us:)