a freind just told me she was assaulted
tara
Posts: 293
not sure where i should post this, but i freind just told me that a coworker tried to rape her (he was thankfully too drunk to finish), and i can't talk to my other freinds about this because they're also her freinds, and i wanted to unload.
i just can't understand how when a woman says no that can be misinterpreted. the guy said that he knew that she would resist, but that he loved her and they belonged together, and had to convince her of that. i don't believe that i was raised in some extreem liberal hippy environment, i mean isn't everyone out there aware of rape? wasn't it drilled into everyone elses heads from the age of 6? what were the guys doing in sex ed and phys ed when we were learning that no means no, and how to defend ourselves? i was assuming that they were learning respect too. what kind of homes do these assholes come from? how low must your self-esteem be that you think that's teh way to have sex?
what's worse is that she told another co-worker, and he said "i'm sure that's not how he meant it" or some such idiocy. so she kept quiet about it, because she actually believed that she had done something to provoke this mother fucker.
now she's seeing a councillor, and she's told a few freinds, and another freind of ours is setting up a meeting between her and the guy's boss, and the girl is actually worried about confronting the boss because she doesn't want the mother fucking rapist to lose his job. she feels bad!!
what the fuck is wrong with men! i'm so fucking angry i'm screaming inside
i just can't understand how when a woman says no that can be misinterpreted. the guy said that he knew that she would resist, but that he loved her and they belonged together, and had to convince her of that. i don't believe that i was raised in some extreem liberal hippy environment, i mean isn't everyone out there aware of rape? wasn't it drilled into everyone elses heads from the age of 6? what were the guys doing in sex ed and phys ed when we were learning that no means no, and how to defend ourselves? i was assuming that they were learning respect too. what kind of homes do these assholes come from? how low must your self-esteem be that you think that's teh way to have sex?
what's worse is that she told another co-worker, and he said "i'm sure that's not how he meant it" or some such idiocy. so she kept quiet about it, because she actually believed that she had done something to provoke this mother fucker.
now she's seeing a councillor, and she's told a few freinds, and another freind of ours is setting up a meeting between her and the guy's boss, and the girl is actually worried about confronting the boss because she doesn't want the mother fucking rapist to lose his job. she feels bad!!
what the fuck is wrong with men! i'm so fucking angry i'm screaming inside
No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
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don't know if any of you have had any experience with this sort of thing (and i havn't) but once upon a time a guy hit me and it shocks you, you think that you did something to provoke it. and i'm a strong, independant, feminist, and i could never understand how women wouldn't report it to the police, but then i realized how easy it is to put the blame on yourself, and it's fucked up, but it's easier to say that he had a normal reaction to something that you did rather than say that there are people out there who would do something like that.
i'm just angry that tehre ARE people out there like that, it makes me sad.
Albert Einstein
She should tell whomever where she works what happened. This is not normal and regardless of what this asshole thinks he doesn't love her. This may not be the first time he's tried this and may not be the last. I feel for you Tara. It's frustrating that your friend is acting the way she is but I think that is coming from the trauma of the attack.
And please remember that all men are not like this.
Why would you start was has no end?
The first time I really kicked somebodys ass was when I was 15, my buddy was sixteen and we waited in a grocery store parking lot to beat the shit out of his brother in law who got rough with his sister one time. It felt great, and what's he gonna say, "Well officer, they kicked my ass because I beat my wife?."
You just got a free ass kicking card, you should use it, it's fun and I guarantee you'll feel better.
Talk to the guy at work... in the kitchen area or someplace where they are not isolated and he cannot raise his voice without someone taking notice.
demand that HE own up to his actions and tell the boss what HE has done... otherwise, he leaves her no alternative but to tell the boss herself.
This way... it's on HIM... not her. Put HIS ass in the fire and sees how he reacts. As a man that accepts his responsibility... or a wuss that will claim it wasn't his fault and try to blame the victim.
...
Unfortunately... my money is on him being a wuss. But, at least she was man enough to give him the opportunity to prove his real self.
Hail, Hail!!!
My head-stomping idea's better.
I'd cut his face off, glue it to his mother's face and punch it in the fucking mouth. Let's hope I never have to prove that.
Why would you start was has no end?
Holy shit dude, you'd punch his mom in the face?
Hardcore.
With his cut off face glued to it.
Would you not do that for your child:D
Why would you start was has no end?
Yeah of course I would, but it's still funny as hell to hear someone say it.
lmfao
My mind goes in some pretty strange places, but people die for stuff like that down here. Your kids are always your kids no matter what the age. I truly believe an ass beating party needs to be assembled for a 4:00a.m. meeting on his ass. I'll bet he'd never say a word.
Why would you start was has no end?
This is a horrible but all too common story I'm afraid tara. :( And you have every right to be raging inside and need some support yourself. Posting was a clever idea. It gives you the chance to talk through how angry, hurt, confused and upset you are for your friend without having to betray her confidence or privacy. So well done for doing it.:) Wish you and your friend didn't have to be in this situation though. Yes, this whole story sounds so much like so many others I have heard. Unfortunately there are some men out there that think this kind of behaviour is acceptable. And no they don't get it. They don't understand that they are fucked up and trying to force their control over another. That they want power and control. And rape is their implement. He probably will have no idea that what he has done is so bad. If he hasn't learned better behaviour by now it's highly unlikely that he will in the future. You never know but I doubt it. It's good that your friend is seeing a councellor. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT! That she has decided on a course of action to help heal herself and that she is following through on that course. I hope she gets herself as far away from this predator as possible. Whether that be because she takes him on at work and has him removed or whether she removes herself from the situation is entirely her decision to make. She needs to do what she feels confortable doing to heal and nurture herself. Many times a woman does not report these things or take action, not because they feel that they did something wrong but because they know that society still views these situations as his word against hers and many women do not want to have to go through the incident and then compound the situation by having to live through all the vile crap that comes along after. Many women have said that the trial of their attacker or trying to seek justice from their attacker was in many ways worse than the rape itself. That they just would like to get on with their lives. I can understand that. The decision to seek justice or not is an entirely personal one. I very much hope your girlfriend can learn about herself and come to terms with this situation quickly. Although I understand it may never happen. And I also know that she will be grieving, and frightenend and sad and angry and a whole range of emotions. But I wish for her that she can move on and not allow this to change her in a bad way. Because she can't take back the incident. It is a part of who she is now. I only hope she can live with it well. If that makes any sense. Hope you are ok tara. I'm very sorry this happened to your girlfriend and I'm very sorry that this is happening to you too. :(
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
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I see you're in Toronto, and surely there must be a rape crisis center in a city that large. If she hasn't contacted them already, she should at once. Crisis centers in most large cities offer free counseling, and they can often provide someone to go with her to her boss, to the police, and to court if she should choose to go that route.
There are good reasons to prosecute, even if it doesn't result in a conviction. As coryhill mentioned, it would do this guy a lot of good to have to worry for a few months about whether HE might be the next rape victim he knows. Also, sexual predators almost never strike once. Even if he gets off because of a lack of evidence, there will be a police file, which will help the next person he tries this shit on ... an established pattern of behavior will make police take the next woman's account even more seriously and work harder to nail the guy.
I know it's enormously difficult to prosecute, and I've never met a survivor who wanted to do it. I've also never met one who was sorry she did. Even when things don't work out the way we might want them to, even when the experience is downright traumatic, women seem to feel some long-term satisfaction knowing that they did everything they could do, and dealt with the situation head-on.
I hope her counselor is working with her on her guilt feelings over this guy's job. Again, it's very common, as women are often raised to be the peacemakers, many of us just can't stand to make anyone's life difficult, even when we're more than entitled. Her boss absolutely needs to be told. Not only is this guy a threat to every woman he works with, but he's putting his employer at risk of a sexual harrassment suit.
I really can't recommend getting violent with the guy, as that puts her (or whomever is acting on her behalf) at risk of being jailed. She's got enough to deal with right now without having to feel guilty about her dad/brother/boyfriend sitting in a cell on her account.
Finally, no matter how strong your feelings are about what she should do, the most important thing is to support her in whatever her final decisions might be. She needs to feel in control of her own life and to know that the people around her love and support her no matter what she does.
Please let us know how she's doing, and feel free to PM me any time if there's anything at all I can do to help. Good luck to both of you. She's lucky to have you as a friend
Just be there to support your friend and try not to pressure her into doing anything she's not comfortble with just yet. Just be there for her until she finds her own strength. Your friendship will make her stronger.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
I like your thinking ! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks outside the box when it comes to his kid !
thanks for the laugh sapperskunk, but i'm not the ass-kicking type, except with my brother (he's a big guy, it's a fair fight, don't worry).
and as many of you mentioned, this is all too common, this is my third freind who has confessed this to me, the first two were raped, this one almost. it makes me sad how common it is, and how many of you women responded here to say that you have experience with this, i wish i could take it away from everyone. thank you hippiemom for the advice, that was very good sense, it helps to hear it from a consellor.
abookamongsthemany, i've had experiences like that too, i've always tried to laugh it off. when i was in india i went to report a theft so that i could make an insurance claim, the police officer stood about 6 inches from me, i kept backing off, he moved forward, he used the situation to physically intimidate me, luckily i was a foreigner and that was the only time i would have to deal with them.
thank you to all the men who responded. hearing this for the third time made me so angry at men, at how patriarchal our society is, at how other men didn't believe her. it made me happy to hear that there are men out there who felt as strongly as i did.
lastly, to make this pj related (
and hippiemom, yes, i am trying to support her in whatever she chooses, she really doesn't want to prosecute, but i'm trying to encourage her to tell the boss (she quit awhile after it happened), i think that something needs to happen so that he doesn't do it again. i told her that she may not want to hurt him, but that she owes it to his potential future victims to do something about it.
thanks everyone for helping me out, i sort of feel like i don't have the right to be upset, but you're all making me feel a hell of a lot better.
Albert Einstein
Abook!!! Come on girl!! I know you are uncomfortable in this situation, I completely understand but please, please, please, try to find the courage to just tell him. In plain English. No hinting. You don't need to yell. You don't need to tell the boss. But you do need to be very clear. "Don't email me anymore. I won't be accepting anymore from you. Leave me alone." You will feel so much better if you do it girl. This guys sounds like a total creep. And you deserve so much better from life than having to put up with creeps.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Bravo hippiemom!! EXCELLENT advice, all of it.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Combat 84
He's a dirty and evil man
And no one wants to know
He could be living in your town
The sign of the Rapist doesn't show
Young girls come to me
Stalking victims in the street
When it happens no-one sees
You're just dragged down off your feet
[Chorus]
Capital Punishment
A stronger Government
Plastic mask and hairy wig
You're too scared to show your face
You're acting like a dirty pig
You're a cancer of the human race
Filth of society should all die
We need a stronger government
All you gotta do is hang 'em high
We want capital punishment
[Chorus]
We need a stronger government
Bring back capital punishment
[x4]
[Chorus]
Hang 'em, hang 'em, hang 'em high
You watch those fucking bastards die
[x4]
[Chorus]
-Enoch Powell
i'd be printing off those emails and showing someone. oh and i'd confront him as well. he's not seeing you as a threat and he needs to. in semi-public in a voice a little louder than my threatening voice, i'd tell him if he didn't fuck off i would fuck him over and not in the good way.
show him that you have copies of the emails. sometimes creeps just do not respond to anything but a metaphorical punch in the face.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Tara, your friend should not worry about this man losing his job--he brought this on himself because of his actions.**Look at it this way, if this man walked into the bosses office and pissed on his desk, his actions would have led him to being fired. This assault*was worse, and he should be punished for it.*Your friend should not have to work with someone who assaulted her.* This man might have done this to someone else in the past or may do it to someone in the future. He KNOWS his behavior was wrong, and he chose to do it anyway and at the very least he should be reported about at work. She might actually be saving a future victim, which is something I feel bad about to this day because I always wonder if that bouncer hurt another girl that wasn't as lucky as me.*
*Whatever her choice is, being her friend and helping her through this is a wonderful thing to do, and she should be grateful for having someone as kind as you to support her.
"Some of my friends sit around every evening and they worry about the times ahead,
But everybody else is overwhelmed by indifference and the promise of an early bed..."-- Elvis Costello