a freind just told me she was assaulted

tara

not sure where i should post this, but i freind just told me that a coworker tried to rape her (he was thankfully too drunk to finish), and i can't talk to my other freinds about this because they're also her freinds, and i wanted to unload.
i just can't understand how when a woman says no that can be misinterpreted. the guy said that he knew that she would resist, but that he loved her and they belonged together, and had to convince her of that. i don't believe that i was raised in some extreem liberal hippy environment, i mean isn't everyone out there aware of rape? wasn't it drilled into everyone elses heads from the age of 6? what were the guys doing in sex ed and phys ed when we were learning that no means no, and how to defend ourselves? i was assuming that they were learning respect too. what kind of homes do these assholes come from? how low must your self-esteem be that you think that's teh way to have sex?
what's worse is that she told another co-worker, and he said "i'm sure that's not how he meant it" or some such idiocy. so she kept quiet about it, because she actually believed that she had done something to provoke this mother fucker.
now she's seeing a councillor, and she's told a few freinds, and another freind of ours is setting up a meeting between her and the guy's boss, and the girl is actually worried about confronting the boss because she doesn't want the mother fucking rapist to lose his job. she feels bad!!
what the fuck is wrong with men! i'm so fucking angry i'm screaming inside

sapperskunk

Police?

chrisg72

I was thinking the same thing, maybe you should talk her into pressing charges on this guy.

tara

she said she doesnt wan to spend a year in and out of court, i mean, she's even having trouble with telling his boss for fear he'll be fired.
don't know if any of you have had any experience with this sort of thing (and i havn't) but once upon a time a guy hit me and it shocks you, you think that you did something to provoke it. and i'm a strong, independant, feminist, and i could never understand how women wouldn't report it to the police, but then i realized how easy it is to put the blame on yourself, and it's fucked up, but it's easier to say that he had a normal reaction to something that you did rather than say that there are people out there who would do something like that.
i'm just angry that tehre ARE people out there like that, it makes me sad.

norm

Unless the rape just occurred and the police can do a rape kit and collect evidence I don't know if the police can help. I may be wrong.

She should tell whomever where she works what happened. This is not normal and regardless of what this asshole thinks he doesn't love her. This may not be the first time he's tried this and may not be the last. I feel for you Tara. It's frustrating that your friend is acting the way she is but I think that is coming from the trauma of the attack.

And please remember that all men are not like this.

cory

I don't know if any of you have ever been lawfully accused of something and had to go to court, but let me just say, even if it's dismissed, it would do him some good to have that nauseous feeling in his stomach for 6 months to a year. The victim can drop the case at any time if she doesn't want to pursue it, but he needs to feel threatened by what he did. It could change him.

sapperskunk

Do something to make her really really angry, then get her on board to whoop his ass. Recruit some friends and have a blast. (hey, that rhymed)

The first time I really kicked somebodys ass was when I was 15, my buddy was sixteen and we waited in a grocery store parking lot to beat the shit out of his brother in law who got rough with his sister one time. It felt great, and what's he gonna say, "Well officer, they kicked my ass because I beat my wife?."

You just got a free ass kicking card, you should use it, it's fun and I guarantee you'll feel better.

Cosmo

Here's what I would do...
Talk to the guy at work... in the kitchen area or someplace where they are not isolated and he cannot raise his voice without someone taking notice.
demand that HE own up to his actions and tell the boss what HE has done... otherwise, he leaves her no alternative but to tell the boss herself.
This way... it's on HIM... not her. Put HIS ass in the fire and sees how he reacts. As a man that accepts his responsibility... or a wuss that will claim it wasn't his fault and try to blame the victim.
...
Unfortunately... my money is on him being a wuss. But, at least she was man enough to give him the opportunity to prove his real self.

sapperskunk

Cosmo wrote:

Here's what I would do...
Talk to the guy at work... in the kitchen area or someplace where they are not isolated and he cannot raise his voice without someone taking notice.
demand that HE own up to his actions and tell the boss what HE has done... otherwise, he leaves her no alternative but to tell the boss herself.
This way... it's on HIM... not her. Put HIS ass in the fire and sees how he reacts. As a man that accepts his responsibility... or a wuss that will claim it wasn't his fault and try to blame the victim.
...
Unfortunately... my money is on him being a wuss. But, at least she was man enough to give him the opportunity to prove his real self.

My head-stomping idea's better.

cory

I'll add that I'm a father of a girl. I recommend telling her dad if that's an option. You want to know what I'd really do if that happened to my baby?

I'd cut his face off, glue it to his mother's face and punch it in the fucking mouth. Let's hope I never have to prove that.

sapperskunk

coryhill wrote:

I'll add that I'm a father of a girl. I recommend telling her dad if that's an option. You want to know what I'd really do if that happened to my baby?

I'd cut his face off, glue it to his mother's face and punch it in the fucking mouth. Let's hope I never have to prove that.

Holy shit dude, you'd punch his mom in the face?

Hardcore.

cory

sapperskunk wrote:

Holy shit dude, you'd punch his mom in the face?

Hardcore.

With his cut off face glued to it.

Would you not do that for your child:D

sapperskunk

coryhill wrote:

With his cut off face glued to it.

Would you not do that for your child:D

Yeah of course I would, but it's still funny as hell to hear someone say it.


lmfao

cory

sapperskunk wrote:

Yeah of course I would, but it's still funny as hell to hear someone say it.


lmfao

My mind goes in some pretty strange places, but people die for stuff like that down here. Your kids are always your kids no matter what the age. I truly believe an ass beating party needs to be assembled for a 4:00a.m. meeting on his ass. I'll bet he'd never say a word.

Jeanie

tara wrote:

not sure where i should post this, but i freind just told me that a coworker tried to rape her (he was thankfully too drunk to finish), and i can't talk to my other freinds about this because they're also her freinds, and i wanted to unload.
i just can't understand how when a woman says no that can be misinterpreted. the guy said that he knew that she would resist, but that he loved her and they belonged together, and had to convince her of that. i don't believe that i was raised in some extreem liberal hippy environment, i mean isn't everyone out there aware of rape? wasn't it drilled into everyone elses heads from the age of 6? what were the guys doing in sex ed and phys ed when we were learning that no means no, and how to defend ourselves? i was assuming that they were learning respect too. what kind of homes do these assholes come from? how low must your self-esteem be that you think that's teh way to have sex?
what's worse is that she told another co-worker, and he said "i'm sure that's not how he meant it" or some such idiocy. so she kept quiet about it, because she actually believed that she had done something to provoke this mother fucker.
now she's seeing a councillor, and she's told a few freinds, and another freind of ours is setting up a meeting between her and the guy's boss, and the girl is actually worried about confronting the boss because she doesn't want the mother fucking rapist to lose his job. she feels bad!!
what the fuck is wrong with men! i'm so fucking angry i'm screaming inside

This is a horrible but all too common story I'm afraid tara. :( And you have every right to be raging inside and need some support yourself. Posting was a clever idea. It gives you the chance to talk through how angry, hurt, confused and upset you are for your friend without having to betray her confidence or privacy. So well done for doing it.:) Wish you and your friend didn't have to be in this situation though. Yes, this whole story sounds so much like so many others I have heard. Unfortunately there are some men out there that think this kind of behaviour is acceptable. And no they don't get it. They don't understand that they are fucked up and trying to force their control over another. That they want power and control. And rape is their implement. He probably will have no idea that what he has done is so bad. If he hasn't learned better behaviour by now it's highly unlikely that he will in the future. You never know but I doubt it. It's good that your friend is seeing a councellor. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT! That she has decided on a course of action to help heal herself and that she is following through on that course. I hope she gets herself as far away from this predator as possible. Whether that be because she takes him on at work and has him removed or whether she removes herself from the situation is entirely her decision to make. She needs to do what she feels confortable doing to heal and nurture herself. Many times a woman does not report these things or take action, not because they feel that they did something wrong but because they know that society still views these situations as his word against hers and many women do not want to have to go through the incident and then compound the situation by having to live through all the vile crap that comes along after. Many women have said that the trial of their attacker or trying to seek justice from their attacker was in many ways worse than the rape itself. That they just would like to get on with their lives. I can understand that. The decision to seek justice or not is an entirely personal one. I very much hope your girlfriend can learn about herself and come to terms with this situation quickly. Although I understand it may never happen. And I also know that she will be grieving, and frightenend and sad and angry and a whole range of emotions. But I wish for her that she can move on and not allow this to change her in a bad way. Because she can't take back the incident. It is a part of who she is now. I only hope she can live with it well. If that makes any sense. Hope you are ok tara. I'm very sorry this happened to your girlfriend and I'm very sorry that this is happening to you too. :(

angelica

Wow, tara, I don't blame you for being very angry about what has happened. And for wanting to help your friend. I've been sexually assaulted numerous times and the last thing I did, or wanted to do was report the person--they were all people I knew. The underlying dynamics were so complex for me and have taken years to deal with. My suggestion to you is for you to call a sexual assault phone line if there is one in your area and find out what they recommend under the circumstances. They will advise you how you can support your friend, and they might have some advice for what might work with your friend, and they will give resources. Also distress or crisis lines will deal with such issues and be able to direct you as a third party to the right resources for your needs in supporting her, or for finding direct resources for her. It sounds like you want to do the best you can to support her, and the experts can direct you on what will be effective and maybe what will not. Keep us posted, okay! And take care of you while offering your support! If you want to talk at all privately pm me anytime. Peace.

norm

Jeanie and angelica said what I was trying to say much better.

Gary Carter

just report it to the police like fast and dont beat up the guy. that will only get u into trouble for assult and make u or your friends go to jail

hippiemom

Tara, I'm so sorry this happened to your friend :( As others have said, it's all too common. I do have some experience in this area, as both a survivor and a rape crisis counselor, so just a few points ...

I see you're in Toronto, and surely there must be a rape crisis center in a city that large. If she hasn't contacted them already, she should at once. Crisis centers in most large cities offer free counseling, and they can often provide someone to go with her to her boss, to the police, and to court if she should choose to go that route.

There are good reasons to prosecute, even if it doesn't result in a conviction. As coryhill mentioned, it would do this guy a lot of good to have to worry for a few months about whether HE might be the next rape victim he knows. Also, sexual predators almost never strike once. Even if he gets off because of a lack of evidence, there will be a police file, which will help the next person he tries this shit on ... an established pattern of behavior will make police take the next woman's account even more seriously and work harder to nail the guy.

I know it's enormously difficult to prosecute, and I've never met a survivor who wanted to do it. I've also never met one who was sorry she did. Even when things don't work out the way we might want them to, even when the experience is downright traumatic, women seem to feel some long-term satisfaction knowing that they did everything they could do, and dealt with the situation head-on.

I hope her counselor is working with her on her guilt feelings over this guy's job. Again, it's very common, as women are often raised to be the peacemakers, many of us just can't stand to make anyone's life difficult, even when we're more than entitled. Her boss absolutely needs to be told. Not only is this guy a threat to every woman he works with, but he's putting his employer at risk of a sexual harrassment suit.

I really can't recommend getting violent with the guy, as that puts her (or whomever is acting on her behalf) at risk of being jailed. She's got enough to deal with right now without having to feel guilty about her dad/brother/boyfriend sitting in a cell on her account.

Finally, no matter how strong your feelings are about what she should do, the most important thing is to support her in whatever her final decisions might be. She needs to feel in control of her own life and to know that the people around her love and support her no matter what she does.

Please let us know how she's doing, and feel free to PM me any time if there's anything at all I can do to help. Good luck to both of you. She's lucky to have you as a friend

Abookamongstthemany

I was an a similar situation but it didn't go near as far. The head of HR where I work used to come on to me all the time. I never gave him anything to go on back but he never got the hint. He would say things like 'We should discuss this over dinner' and 'I've always wanted a wife like you' to which I'd just laugh off and ignore. But then he started getting creeper and creeper. He sent me emails betting on election results saying what would the prize be if he won. I said how about a pepsi and he said he had a greater prize in mind. Ugghh. I work a lot of the time in a dark room developing artwork and no one is allowed back there with me. He started started showing up back there telling me how nice I looked in what i was wearing and how he prefered me to wear my hair this way...I mean WTF. But with each time he'd come back there he'd get closer and closer to me and I'd keep backing up to where I was knocking into things. He was in a position way over me and I really didn't know what to do. He never grabbed at me but sometimes he would rub my back as he passed by and once he put his fingers around the back of my neck and squeezed. That pissed me off but again all I did was just pull away. It's weird how powerless it makes you feel at work and him being able to fire me, lie about me, who knows. I didn't even feel like the normal me when it would happen. I don't know how it just strips you of your dignity and power so quickly. I felt helpless. I thought a long time about wanting to report him but I didn't want to ruin someones life when he didn't ruin mine...he just made me VERY uncomfortable. I mean I guess he just had a crush and didn't know how to control it but it was very uncalled for. At times I was scared and didn't know what might happen next. That's where the problem comes in. No one should feel so pressured and uneasy in their workplace. There were times I 'd hear him talking outside to other employees and I'd get real still and pretend I wasn't in there until he'd go away. He still emails me to this day...last week saying 'how about us slipping away for an hour or two today.' I never reply...what a weirdo! I just want him to go away. I don't want to make a big deal...just leave me alone. I wish he would just get the hint. It felt good getting that off my chest.

Just be there to support your friend and try not to pressure her into doing anything she's not comfortble with just yet. Just be there for her until she finds her own strength. Your friendship will make her stronger.

keeponrockin

I wish I could do something, you were so helpful in my other thread. Just, I hope she feels better, whatever she does.