Short Autobiography
Ahnimus
Posts: 10,560
I've been talking a lot about choice and free-will. I've taken heat for sympathizing with criminals. I just want to illustrate where I am coming from. I'm going to give you a quick run-down of the major events in my life, and some of the minor ones. I know some of you don't always believe my stories, and I would encourage some skepticism. As I know that memories aren't perfect.
I'll start my story at the age of 7. I can't remember anything before that. At age 7 I was hit by a truck, left a 45' skid mark going at 80kph (50mph). The driver of the truck was not paying attention, his eyes had diverted to a beautiful woman passing on the sidewalk. His foot weighted from the desire coursing through his brain, the surge of testosterone reving up his masculinity. All that came crashing to a halt when he realized he may have killed a little boy. His spread of manliness suddenly reduced to an act of stupidity. I cannot recall any of this, only expressing stories I've heard. I was flown to the Children's Hospital in Vancouver, where rocks were dug from my face and skull, reconstructive surgery was performed on my jaw and my teeth were wired shut for healing.
I remember eating blended potatoes and milk through a straw for weeks after. When I finally got my life back, it wasn't the same. I was still a boy, but certainly didn't act like one. Every time my parents would try to discipline me I would black out, and in a fit of homicidal rage, I would try to kill other people and myself. My parents didn't know how to deal with this. They sought help from doctors and psychiatrists. Every attempt to figure out what was wrong with me failed, because I wouldn't cooperate and would become upset when being analyzed. When they told me they suspected I had brain damage, I lost control. I just wanted to be a normal kid, but I couldn't, and I didn't want to accept brain damage. One of the most horrifying events of this time was when I dropped a motorcycle fender on my friend from 30' in a tree. Cracked his skull open and almost killed him. That was the last time I ever saw my dear friend Marcus. With every act, I was unaware, and immediately remorseful.
Much of the time passing is a blur to me. I know I ran away a few times at ages 8 and 9. Physically fought with my parents, they could not punish me. My father would try to use his belt and I would not cry, some times I managed to turn it on him. I can remember a lot from the time I was about 12 years old. By this time I was in heavy therapy, seeing several psychologists, psychoanalysts and doctors simultaneously. They had board meatings in which I was present and aware of their diagnoses. This was really frustrating to me at the time. I felt as though I had done nothing wrong and people were boxing me in, I wasn't allowed to be normal. Occasionally under pressure, I would still snap, black out and try to kill someone, or myself. After scanning my brain many times and trying everything to figure out what was wrong with me. My parents turned to the criminal justice system.
During this time I was having serious problems at school. People didn't like me, students and teachers hated me. I can only imagine that at some point in my past I had acted strangely, or perhaps they knew something about me, it was a small town. I managed to make friends with a few people that would desert me at any sign of trouble. Or if they had more popular friends to be with. I eventually lost most of my friends to popularity. Two years was about as long as my friends lasted. The ones that lasted the longest were also rejected by society. "Retards" as people called them, disabled kids and kids with mental retardation. They were always my favorite friends. Still I felt like everyone was cruel and vicious, blaming us for our defecits. As if we chose any of it. I was repeatedly beaten at school and on the street. Mocked and ridiculed in public. Large groups of people laughed at me. I couldn't go anywhere without being attacked or having my life threatened. My teachers used me as a scapegoat to resolve issues. If I was attacked at school, I would get detention. Eventually, the teachers succeeded in having me expelled and I was unable to finish highschool. By this time I was heavy into smoking pot and causing crime. I really hated everyone, everyone was to blame for my condition. No one gave me a chance since I could remember. Everyone was conspiring against me. Even as I committed crimes, I hoped to get caught. I took pleasure in doing more and more heinous crimes, digging myself deeper and deeper. I had no feeling, except the power of crime. I wanted to kill everyone and myself. I wanted to take from others what I never had.
A series of events turned my life around. I stopped hearing voices, I stopped hating people, actually felt love and compassion. But it took some pretty drastic changes, a lot of support and about two years hiding in fear. None of it was my choice, I didn't choose for everyone to hate me, I didn't choose to suffer the trauma I did, my parents didn't choose any of it either. The teachers and kids at school were just looking out for themselves. No one was responsible, it just happened. The events that changed my life, were also lucky. None of it was planned, no one made the choice, it just happened. I hope that makes sense to all of you.
I'll start my story at the age of 7. I can't remember anything before that. At age 7 I was hit by a truck, left a 45' skid mark going at 80kph (50mph). The driver of the truck was not paying attention, his eyes had diverted to a beautiful woman passing on the sidewalk. His foot weighted from the desire coursing through his brain, the surge of testosterone reving up his masculinity. All that came crashing to a halt when he realized he may have killed a little boy. His spread of manliness suddenly reduced to an act of stupidity. I cannot recall any of this, only expressing stories I've heard. I was flown to the Children's Hospital in Vancouver, where rocks were dug from my face and skull, reconstructive surgery was performed on my jaw and my teeth were wired shut for healing.
I remember eating blended potatoes and milk through a straw for weeks after. When I finally got my life back, it wasn't the same. I was still a boy, but certainly didn't act like one. Every time my parents would try to discipline me I would black out, and in a fit of homicidal rage, I would try to kill other people and myself. My parents didn't know how to deal with this. They sought help from doctors and psychiatrists. Every attempt to figure out what was wrong with me failed, because I wouldn't cooperate and would become upset when being analyzed. When they told me they suspected I had brain damage, I lost control. I just wanted to be a normal kid, but I couldn't, and I didn't want to accept brain damage. One of the most horrifying events of this time was when I dropped a motorcycle fender on my friend from 30' in a tree. Cracked his skull open and almost killed him. That was the last time I ever saw my dear friend Marcus. With every act, I was unaware, and immediately remorseful.
Much of the time passing is a blur to me. I know I ran away a few times at ages 8 and 9. Physically fought with my parents, they could not punish me. My father would try to use his belt and I would not cry, some times I managed to turn it on him. I can remember a lot from the time I was about 12 years old. By this time I was in heavy therapy, seeing several psychologists, psychoanalysts and doctors simultaneously. They had board meatings in which I was present and aware of their diagnoses. This was really frustrating to me at the time. I felt as though I had done nothing wrong and people were boxing me in, I wasn't allowed to be normal. Occasionally under pressure, I would still snap, black out and try to kill someone, or myself. After scanning my brain many times and trying everything to figure out what was wrong with me. My parents turned to the criminal justice system.
During this time I was having serious problems at school. People didn't like me, students and teachers hated me. I can only imagine that at some point in my past I had acted strangely, or perhaps they knew something about me, it was a small town. I managed to make friends with a few people that would desert me at any sign of trouble. Or if they had more popular friends to be with. I eventually lost most of my friends to popularity. Two years was about as long as my friends lasted. The ones that lasted the longest were also rejected by society. "Retards" as people called them, disabled kids and kids with mental retardation. They were always my favorite friends. Still I felt like everyone was cruel and vicious, blaming us for our defecits. As if we chose any of it. I was repeatedly beaten at school and on the street. Mocked and ridiculed in public. Large groups of people laughed at me. I couldn't go anywhere without being attacked or having my life threatened. My teachers used me as a scapegoat to resolve issues. If I was attacked at school, I would get detention. Eventually, the teachers succeeded in having me expelled and I was unable to finish highschool. By this time I was heavy into smoking pot and causing crime. I really hated everyone, everyone was to blame for my condition. No one gave me a chance since I could remember. Everyone was conspiring against me. Even as I committed crimes, I hoped to get caught. I took pleasure in doing more and more heinous crimes, digging myself deeper and deeper. I had no feeling, except the power of crime. I wanted to kill everyone and myself. I wanted to take from others what I never had.
A series of events turned my life around. I stopped hearing voices, I stopped hating people, actually felt love and compassion. But it took some pretty drastic changes, a lot of support and about two years hiding in fear. None of it was my choice, I didn't choose for everyone to hate me, I didn't choose to suffer the trauma I did, my parents didn't choose any of it either. The teachers and kids at school were just looking out for themselves. No one was responsible, it just happened. The events that changed my life, were also lucky. None of it was planned, no one made the choice, it just happened. I hope that makes sense to all of you.
I necessarily have the passion for writing this, and you have the passion for condemning me; both of us are equally fools, equally the toys of destiny. Your nature is to do harm, mine is to love truth, and to make it public in spite of you. - Voltaire
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But, seriously. Sounds like you've been through some severe shit. Good to know that you pulled through it all to fight the good fight!
Ahnimus, has anyone in your family ever indicated whether you had any of these blackouts and incidents of rage and violence, before the horrible truck accident?
It seems that by virtue of omission you don't want to reveal or discuss what events caused the change in you and some how put an end to your blackouts and violent episodes. But I'm very interested in hearing (reading) what happened that had such a significant and profound effect on you and your behavior. It seems like it some how had a physiological effect on your brain; as well as psychological and emotional.
naděje umírá poslední
Butt-head: This guy makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
Beavis: No, Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
Butt-head: I heard these guys, like, came first and Pearl Jam ripped them off.
Beavis: No, Pearl Jam came first.
Butt-head: Well, they both suck.
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
Brain-damage does not miraculously go away, no matter what events may occur to make a person feel re-born.
Brain damage may not go away, but other aspects of the brain are strong and can rewire and compensate wonderfully for parts that are not working optimally. The self-ability to rewire the brain and generate health where non-health once existed cannot be underestimated.
I don't doubt that Ahnimus has found ways to turn his life around. I'm guessing developing understanding and insight into issues of the brain, and even understanding the cause and effect determinants in his life have provided a sense of peace, understanding and validation for him. Such understanding can work wonders with hostility and pain.
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
Excellent and relevant advice, for sure. Unfortunately, Ahnimus has constructed his entire framework around us being victims of a larger series of cause and effect, outside of our control and from which we have no means of escaping. According to him we need to accept that we have no will and no choice, and that things simply happen because that's the way things are programmed to happen. I think he can even give you a mathematical formula for your life if you ask him. Just as he says that our free will is merely illusion, I believe he has created this illusion of an automoton to fit his own sense of reality.
I spent a long period of time acknowledging how the processes of my life happened beyond my control, before I was able to release myself from that past and move into a place of renewal and potency. Progress, not perfection. And key to my continual renewal is giving myself permission to process this stuff when it arises.
I think it's normal and commendable that when we find new ways that are empowering for us, and we feel signficant help from an idea, be it determinism, or free will for example, that we want to share those ways, and thusly help others as we've been helped.
And of course, while experiencing the growth and the healing, to keep the overview focussed on where we have power, rather than on our problems IS a HUGE key.
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
Hahaha
I think that was the worst of it, gross.
This does really shed some light on what you have been discussing on multiple threads through-out the board. Hey I am personally so happy that you were to deal with all the tragic events in your life and am personally glad you are here with us today. Truely a very courageous story....lots of people would not have ended up where you are today going through what you went through.
Glad to have you here
I've talked with my family quite extensively about this and I didn't have blackouts before the accident. It was pretty obvious to everyone but me that it has a major impact. It was debated whether I suffered amnesia, brain damage or just plain trauma. I think it was all 3.
I omitted it to save time
I had committed a crime that was sure to have me locked away for a while. I thought for sure I was going to get busted. My father had recently moved to another city, Victoria B.C. and asked if I wanted to move there. I really didn't want to, I felt that I had made progress in my home town. I felt that moving to Victoria would start it all over again. In the end I moved, I had taken care of a few things before I left. Some people that I needed revenge against. When I got to Victoria and met my new Probation Officer, she was really nice, unlike anyone I knew at the time. She gave me the benefit of the doubt. I spent most of my time at home for the next couple of years. Then I moved to Ontario with my Dad and things have been normal ever since.
As for the physiological aspects. Because my brain was injured while it was still developing, it was able to compensate for any loss of functionality. Over several years the blackouts just faded away, happening less and less often. They were triggered by psychological stress and so I imagine as life got better they faded as well. Only once since I moved to Ontario did I black out, and that was 8 years ago. It was the first time I ever danced with a girl, she was hot, and my cousin was laughing at me. I just snapped.
There was always something blocking me. I would be found holding a knife to my wrists, a drill to my head, and many other things. But I could never actually do it, as much as I wanted to at the time.
I think a couple of things held me back. This hot girl that I grew up with, that actually gave me the time of day, though she wouldn't do it public. The fact that somehow I knew my parents actually loved me. And because I wanted others to understand what it's like. I knew that killing myself wouldn't solve anything. People would still do what they do, with or without me.
I like this view ...
Nope, I have no symptoms. I was diagnosed ADD as a kid, but that was all I was aware of. They tossed around the idea that I was brain damaged and that I had amnesia. But they never made a concrete diagnosis. I'm totally fine now, I can concentrate, I can read, I can get along with people. I almost never get upset.
I spent some time in a pyschiatric ward, with some schiziphrenics and that. They are a completely different story. That's really a facinating illness, and horrible at the same time.
I came to the realization that we don't have free-will aside from my past. I don't actually have any left-over pain or anything. I am completely at peace with my past. But to say that, that was anyone's free-will. I don't think so. I certainly hope not.
Brain injuries are very common, that's why I beg understanding from people that would jump all over a criminal, or a person that has social problems. I know with the case of Phineas Gage and others, adult brain damage is irreversible, and still no one's fault.
Hehe, that understanding is actually how I accept how people treat me now. I am at peace with my past. I spent 2 years in solitude thinking about it and put it all behind me. But I also learned from it. Most of the deterministic theory I've learned, was learned within the past few years. My experiences gave me a desire to learn about the brain, mind and consciousness. But most of what I know is from textbooks.
Yea, I fear that many people don't have the kind of parents I had. Or didn't have anyone in their life that gave them purpose. Those are the people sitting in jail as we speak. Maybe there is no help from them, but as a society we can learn to give people a chance, before they kill someone.
Well it is amazing what one caring person, who just gives someone the ability to feel accepeted and happy with themselves, can do for someone......its all about respect.....
i've been fighting to find the right words to open the thread which would respect everyones privacy yet give the rest of us some insite. just knowing that this person lived in a big city was enough information for me; in that instance.
there's a few of you i'd like to tie down to a fire ant hill at times but you're always considered a friend in my book. just because i get angry doesn't mean i don't like you.
sounds like the story of murrey's fart. a good story with a good moral. i told someone earlier today: "if i were that shallow; you wouldn't want to know me." be grateful you don't associate with those people.
That's good.
If just knowing a person's environment can give you some insight into their personality. Isn't that indicative of determinism?
i'll try to shorten this as much as possible.
it was murrey's wedding day in this small indiana town. with his stomach rolling he took his vows when he let out a fart the entire church heard. he was so embarressed he ran out of the church; packed his things and left town to start over in a different town. after 15 years he became successful and decided to return to his home town. surely no one would remember his embaressment. as he walked down the street remembering his good memories he came upon where the church once stood. he said to an old passerby: when did they tear down the church? the old man stopped and said: let's see; it was 7 years and 3 months after murrey's fart.
Interesting story, I think I missed the point though.
some people will never let go of an incident. no matter how silly or how tragic. it also reflects on the mentallity of the people in that town.
get it yet?
Sure, but how is the "mentallity of the people in that town" different from outside of it? Are you suggesting that the social atmosphere within that town shapes the mentallity of it's people? If so, I completely agree.
I agree....and LOVE! And compassion.
Absolutely, but people feel the need for hate and revenge. Which are vestigal animalistic traits we no longer need.
The more I read your posts onelongsong the more I like you. Consider me a friend out of nowhere, for good or bad.