Relationships, Few or Many... or primarily Single Life

In2Deep

primarily single....and not always by choice. too shy i guess....

BackwardsBlues1

I am the first type of "single" person.

don't get me wrong, I wasn't always this way. And I probably won't always be this way, but right now and I am the single person.

I have never had a serious relationship, had never even kissed anyone until I was 22. Didn't really start dating until I was 25. I saw all these people with "boyfriends" and it really upset me. It REALLY upset me. I was not the type of girl college guys are attracted to, as simple that. After college I lived at home with my parents in the suburbs for 2 years, so meeting people to date was impossible. I was always so upset that I had missed out on this big part of life. finally I moved to the city and got some dates through match.com. And I was like, ok, I *can* get a date, that's really all I needed to know. And I still like dating just to know that I can get a date. I do feel a little weird that there is something about me that renders having a relationship impossible- apparently it is going to take an extremely rare type of guy to have a relationship with me, on both ends.

so anyway, around 24, I realized I will probably never get married. at first I hated this idea. Now I relish it. I have my own bed at night. I speak in terms of "I" instead of "we". granted there would be many many circumstances where being married or having a boyfriend would be very convenient. But I feel like it almost makes me a better person to have to have things a little more difficult. I do *everything* for myself and in a few years when all my friends are sick of being married, they're going to wish they were me.

I *do* however, think that when I'm about 40, I'm going to wish I were one of the "lucky ones" as most of my friends and my brother will have their own families and I'll be kinda left in the lurch. and getting really old by yourself can't be much fun. But I think I will adopt a child from china when I'm about 39, 40. it will be tough to be a single parent, but i think i'd make a good mum and I shouldn't have to sacrifice that just because I haven't been lucky enough to find a husband.

stonesgstring

Definitely the happy to be single kind of girl.
I love my own space and am most probably far to selfish to be in a relationship, plus I feel I'm too young to be in a long term relationship, it's really not my thing.

weenie

I'm "old" by most of you guys standards and have had several serious relationships as well as a couple of marriages. At this late date in life what I've learned is that you can't be happy with somebody else in your life until you're truly happy with yourself. Finding the same thing in a partner can be pretty difficult and the older you get the harder it becomes. The media does a lot to influence how we feel about ourselves - you know - not having the big happy wedding with hundreds of guests, two fantastic children, fabulous jobs etc. Disengage your head from those viewpoints and think about what you really want out of life. Not all of us are meant to live with/be married to someone. There can be a lot of happiness and personal growth, as well as time to do the things you really love, in being single. Mentally, however, you have to be prepared to be happy with the person you're spending lots of time with - YOURSELF. For what it's worth........

BrinkofForever

To be honest, I think I've been all of the above at one point or another in my life. For instance, when I was younger I was defintely number 1 on that list. I was happy being single. I was happy dating... and when my relationships were over (and typically they were short), I would simply retreat to my circle of friends and forget about her. There were points in my life where I was completely content being single and maybe having a booty call on the side.
Then when I married, everything changed for me. I lost myself in a co-dependant relationship where I gave up everything I was to please her. When we divorced, I desperately wanted to jump into something else with someone else.. to fill the void...but didn't. Now I'm in a long term relationship which may be coming to an end...that remains to be seen. I've found that the most effective way to deal with it is to simply look forward and invite the concept of being single and enjoying my life for myself again. Every relationship is a growth experience and if you are paying attention, you'll eventually learn to break negative cycles and find what fits you best.

BrinkofForever

decides2dream wrote:

i am not single...but yea, there are other choices there. me, i am definitely the relationship sort, long-term relationships...but sure, i had my share of quickie flings, few dates, whateva. now i am married forever...hahaha....but even within a relationship, one can have a LOT of freedom. no, it's not the norm...but it works beautifully for a great # of us. so yea, i think of myself as a fairly independent, single-minded kinda person...who just also has the benefit of a husband too. there is a happy medium of respecting one's space and desires...and sharing a life together. really, it's true...i am proof positive. others might look at you funny from time to time....but if you in the couple are happy...that's all that matters. and yea, just celebrated our 14th anniversary yesterday.

The older I get, the more I feel like the relationship you describe is 'ideal'. My sister and her husband enjoy the same independence and I've always envied her for that. It really takes two people who are self confident and who really love and trust each other to pull it off. As for me, there's always seemed to be an imbalance on one side or the other that ends up derailing the whole idea.

farfromglorified

I am a master at the 18 month relationship. Literally every relationship I have lasts between 16 and 20 months. It's fucking uncanny.

I'm pretty comfortable either way. I prefer to be in a relationship on most days, but being single is almost a requirement now and again. That doesn't bode well in the long term, I'm afraid.

moegossard

you remind me of Janet from Singles.

soulsinging

Boom The Cat wrote:

Just a question, is it like a change thing? Do you get bored and leave? Or do you carry it out until she leaves you? I say this because, what if you met someone and you either fell in love, or just stayed together?

im assuming you're referring to my first post?

a little of all of them. ive had long, loving relationships. if im in love, i dont leave for the sake of bouncing from relationship to relationship. but in one case, we just drifted apart and i was unhappy so i left. in another case, it wasnt working and she was unhappy and left me. when this happens, becos i have problems being single, i will often date a few people in quick succession just to ease my loneliness and rebuild my confidence. these poor girls usually get hurt becos i have no interest in anything serious with them but date them becos i find out they were interested in me the whole time i was with the one i loved, so i end up using them. i never really had feelings for them to begin with but liked feeling wanted so i dated them. then somebody more interesting to me comes along and i dump them to pursue that person. it's a bad cycle and im trying to break it.

Heatherj43

I have had many long lasting relationships. None of them were failures!!!
Let me premise this by saying that I believe people change, their tastes change, and their goals and ambitions change. I don't think people are meant to be with one partner for life!
In the old days, it was okay because people didn't live as long as they do now.
I do think that people grow, as they should, as it is highly unusual for two people to grow in the same difrection unless one is holding the other back.


I would not change one relationship I have had, even the bad ones.
I was married for 8 years. I had a 5 yr, a 6 yr., another 6 yr. and a few 2 to 3 yr.'s relationships, plus some very short ones...one to 3 years.
Each one of them added so much to help me become who I am today.
I just cannot imagine missing out on all those wonderful people and adventures had I been stuck in one relationship for life.

To all my exes....thank you...you added so much to my life. You helped me mature, learn, grow, and become a woman I really love.

comebackwoman

decides2dream wrote:

i am not single...but yea, there are other choices there. me, i am definitely the relationship sort, long-term relationships...but sure, i had my share of quickie flings, few dates, whateva. now i am married forever...hahaha....but even within a relationship, one can have a LOT of freedom. no, it's not the norm...but it works beautifully for a great # of us. so yea, i think of myself as a fairly independent, single-minded kinda person...who just also has the benefit of a husband too. there is a happy medium of respecting one's space and desires...and sharing a life together. really, it's true...i am proof positive. others might look at you funny from time to time....but if you in the couple are happy...that's all that matters. and yea, just celebrated our 14th anniversary yesterday.

My marriage sounds very similar to yours. Before I met my husband, I was really happy being single - in fact I really didn't know if I'd ever have a really long-term relationship. Now I realize that the people I dated then just weren't the right fit. They didn't respect my independence, etc. I never believed a relationship should "take work." If it's right, it just kind of flows. My husband & I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and we're really happy. My friends always say that I'm their "married friend who doesn't really act like she's married"' They mean it as a compliment. My husband and I have both always been faithful, but we do a lot of things on independently and individually with our friends. It surprises me that people think it's strange when I go out without him. He's my husband - not my conjoined twin! It's a great balance.

BrinkofForever

Heatherj43 wrote:

I have had many long lasting relationships. None of them were failures!!!
Let me premise this by saying that I believe people change, their tastes change, and their goals and ambitions change. I don't think people are meant to be with one partner for life!
In the old days, it was okay because people didn't live as long as they do now.
I do think that people grow, as they should, as it is highly unusual for two people to grow in the same difrection unless one is holding the other back.


I would not change one relationship I have had, even the bad ones.
I was married for 8 years. I had a 5 yr, a 6 yr., another 6 yr. and a few 2 to 3 yr.'s relationships, plus some very short ones...one to 3 years.
Each one of them added so much to help me become who I am today.
I just cannot imagine missing out on all those wonderful people and adventures had I been stuck in one relationship for life.

To all my exes....thank you...you added so much to my life. You helped me mature, learn, grow, and become a woman I really love.

Not to nitpick..but isn't any relationship that ends up parting ways technically a failure? I.e you did fail to stay together for one reason or another.

daystar143

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. You can be lonely in a room full of people.

The trick is finding someone you love so much that you are never alone, even if he is miles away.

decides2dream

comebackgirl wrote:

My marriage sounds very similar to yours. Before I met my husband, I was really happy being single - in fact I really didn't know if I'd ever have a really long-term relationship. Now I realize that the people I dated then just weren't the right fit. They didn't respect my independence, etc. I never believed a relationship should "take work." If it's right, it just kind of flows. My husband & I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and we're really happy. My friends always say that I'm their "married friend who doesn't really act like she's married"' They mean it as a compliment. My husband and I have both always been faithful, but we do a lot of things on independently and individually with our friends. It surprises me that people think it's strange when I go out without him. He's my husband - not my conjoined twin! It's a great balance.

well i got married fairly young, especially by today's standards.....but it works for us. we've had our trying times, so it's not w/o 'work'...but to me, anything truly worthwhile, worth preserving, takes some work. however, i'd not trade our marriage for ther world....he is my best friend and i love him completely...no matter what. sure, there are still issues, but i think it also is a part of who we are as individuals, as a couple, and that we value our relationship so that we truly want to work at it. yes, ours is not the standard marriage....but after all this time...i wouldn't have it any other way. you have to find what works for you, and ride the wave where it takes you...both.

Heatherj43

Brink wrote:

Not to nitpick..but isn't any relationship that ends up parting ways technically a failure? I.e you did fail to stay together for one reason or another.

No, they were not failures, because as I said, they were not meant to last forever. I am friends with all of them to this day.
Each was a chapter in my book of life and added to my life. The things they added to my life were all good things that helped me become who I am now...and I am appreciative for that.
The relationships didn't fail, we each just grew and changed, as we should. We had the sense to know to move on and did so with love.

Let me give an example...if you date someone one or two times, had a great time and just didn't date again for some reason, were those two dates a failure? I say that if they were fun and you both enjoyed them, then no they were not failures. For me, a long term relationship that ends is no different. I don't see why a long term relationships goal is suppose to be to stay together forever. Why can't it be just to enjoy the time that the two do spend together, with no expectations on being forever. I never expect forever when in relationships. I just enjoy our time and learn and grow.
I guess I don't take hostages when in relationships.

ruby

Heatherj43 wrote:

I guess I don't take hostages when in relationships.

Heatherj43

ruby wrote:

Ruby...is that you??? The real Ruby that I have misssed???
Hello sweetie...good to see you back here.

I like that you got the part about hostages. All because someone has a committed relationships, it doesn't have to lead to marriage or a guarantee of any length of time. It is what it is while it is.
Its like a date...if you date someone does that mean you have to marry them or it was a failure ...no it doesn't. It can be a good date, period. I feel the same about relationships. I don't have to marry anyone or be with them for life for it to still be successful.

Each partner I have ever had added so much to my life. I do sometimes wish I could meet one person with the various qualities I found in each individual.
Like, one had a great sense of humor. Another was very bright and talented to the point of being a bit eccentric. Still yet another had ambition and was generous. One was outdoorsy. One was just very fricking hot!!!
I would love to roll them all into one.
"To all the men I loved before..." Lalalala.

fanch75

InquisitiveOne wrote:

-Are you 1 of 2 relationship types of person: 1) is the type of person who has had that ONE or perhaps TWO Looonnnggg-term, deep and serious relationships. Does not readily become attached and takes time to search their feelings about another. After a relationship is over, they take their time to heal, and get back on track with their own lives.

2) The other is the type of person, whom i have to admit i either despise or pity (no offense meant, but still) - Those who jump from relationship to relationship without stopping for a moment to realize what they have done, what they are doing to people around them. Leading people on, holding false or misguided feelings and such. They are blinded by the fact that a new person will not be able to save them if they don't know how to save themsevles in the first place. Soon as a relationship is over, they jump into a new one right away... way to mask pain or put the old hurt behind them faster, only to have it blow up in their face all over again... cycle of pain. I don't understand how people get by like that.


On a side note of the relationship type... I think its sick that people use "I love you" so early on in new relationships after just getting out of deeply emotional long ones. The only person they're fooling is themselves.


~inquis.

I am definitely type 1 (as you described it).

Type 2 folks need help. Seriously.

fanch75

soulsinging wrote:

im assuming you're referring to my first post?

a little of all of them. ive had long, loving relationships. if im in love, i dont leave for the sake of bouncing from relationship to relationship. but in one case, we just drifted apart and i was unhappy so i left. in another case, it wasnt working and she was unhappy and left me. when this happens, becos i have problems being single, i will often date a few people in quick succession just to ease my loneliness and rebuild my confidence. these poor girls usually get hurt becos i have no interest in anything serious with them but date them becos i find out they were interested in me the whole time i was with the one i loved, so i end up using them. i never really had feelings for them to begin with but liked feeling wanted so i dated them. then somebody more interesting to me comes along and i dump them to pursue that person. it's a bad cycle and im trying to break it.

Be honest. You met a chick wit a bigga azz.

I'll quote LL Cool J:

LISA got a big ole butt
I know I told you I'd be true
But LISA got a big ole butt
So I'm leavin' you
See ya

ryan198

I think I speak to the fluidity of your rules...I was the kind of guy who had hook ups here and there, didn't do anything serious dating-wise, then one day-bam-I've been with the same girl for 4 1/2 years now. For some people they need a warm body (and hey every now and then who doesn't), for others they want commitment and challenge, and this can change from day-to-day. It's hard to say that you are a 1 or 2 when at least I have been both.