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Post your best "Dad" Joke

JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,581
in All Encompassing Trip
An attorney walks into an orthodontist's office to pick up his retainer........
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Comments

  • mookieblalockmookieblalock Posts: 3,354
    My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled...

    I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 39,325
    hey!!

    pull my finger
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 14,139
    My dad was a joke.
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,165
    I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,581
    so far so good........anyone else got one?
  • Spiritual_ChaosSpiritual_Chaos Posts: 30,573
    https://youtu.be/jQlPr3hxXuA
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 11,716
    You guys know that album Vs.?

    It's also got choruses!
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; Phila, PA 10/21/13; Phila, PA 10/22/13; Baltimore Arena 10/27/13;
    Phila, PA 4/28/16; Phila, PA 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18; Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22;
    Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24; Phila, PA 9/7/24; Phila, PA 9/9/24; Baltimore Arena 9/12/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
  • LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 9,805
    ^Nice original one^

    this guy walked into a bar.
    He got a bump on his head.
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,165
    What do you get from a dwarf cow?

    Condensed milk
  • Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 11,716
    markymark550 said:
    What do you get from a dwarf cow?

    Condensed milk
    How can evaporated milk possibly be in liquid form in the can? (not a joke, just asking)
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; Phila, PA 10/21/13; Phila, PA 10/22/13; Baltimore Arena 10/27/13;
    Phila, PA 4/28/16; Phila, PA 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18; Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22;
    Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24; Phila, PA 9/7/24; Phila, PA 9/9/24; Baltimore Arena 9/12/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,165
    Johnny Abruzzo said:
    markymark550 said:
    What do you get from a dwarf cow?

    Condensed milk
    How can evaporated milk possibly be in liquid form in the can? (not a joke, just asking)
    They remove about 60% of the water content, so it's still liquid just more like a syrupy consistency.
  • LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 9,805
    Why was 6 afraid of 7?
  • ymalkielymalkiel Posts: 129
    Loujoe said:
    Why was 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 8 9!
    ✌🏼❤️
  • ymalkielymalkiel Posts: 129
    Here’s one from Nick Cave:

    "Don't try calling a tinnitus helpline, it just keeps on ringing.“

    ✌🏼❤️
  • Spiritual_ChaosSpiritual_Chaos Posts: 30,573
    Johnny Abruzzo said:
    You guys know that album Vs.?

    It's also got choruses!

    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • bootlegger10bootlegger10 Posts: 16,027
    Why is a doctor always calm?   They have a lot of patients.  
  • mrussel1mrussel1 Posts: 29,826
    Man and a woman are on top of a building.  It's burning down.  They both know it's the end.  

    Woman says, "Johnny, one last time, make me a feel like a woman!".  

    Johnny takes off his clothes and says "Fold these"..

    Yes, I know it's terribly sexist.  But I'm a woman so I get to tell it.  

    She/hers. 
  • Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 11,716
    mrussel1 said:
    Man and a woman are on top of a building.  It's burning down.  They both know it's the end.  

    Woman says, "Johnny, one last time, make me a feel like a woman!".  

    Johnny takes off his clothes and says "Fold these"..

    Yes, I know it's terribly sexist.  But I'm a woman so I get to tell it.  

    She/hers. 
    They're always picking on the Johns...
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; Phila, PA 10/21/13; Phila, PA 10/22/13; Baltimore Arena 10/27/13;
    Phila, PA 4/28/16; Phila, PA 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18; Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22;
    Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24; Phila, PA 9/7/24; Phila, PA 9/9/24; Baltimore Arena 9/12/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
  • mookieblalockmookieblalock Posts: 3,354
    My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

    The news was hard for me to hear.
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,310
    When does a joke become a "dad Joke"?
    When it's apparent.
    "Pretty cookies, heart squares all around, yeah!"
    -Eddie Vedder, "Smile"

    "Try to not spook the horse."
    -Neil Young













  • Spiritual_ChaosSpiritual_Chaos Posts: 30,573
    edited November 2022
    bootlegger10 said:
    Why is a doctor always calm?   They have a lot of patients.  
    How can you tell your Doctor is a Guns N Roses fan?

    He has a lot of patients
    Post edited by Spiritual_Chaos on
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • ymalkielymalkiel Posts: 129
    I misplaced my watch the other day. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent looking for it. 
    ✌🏼❤️
  • LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 9,805
     I know a little bunny, his nose is kinda runny. People think it's funny but itsnot
  • mrussel1mrussel1 Posts: 29,826
    brianlux said:
    When does a joke become a "dad Joke"?
    When it's apparent.
    Haha, this is good
  • LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 9,805
    How do you keep a jerk in suspense?
  • F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 31,384
    :lol:
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 39,325
    Loujoe said:
    How do you keep a jerk in suspense?

    this is rude. I get the impression you'll never tell me.
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 11,716
    When someone from Beirut lies to you…

    thats Lebanon Boloney 
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; Phila, PA 10/21/13; Phila, PA 10/22/13; Baltimore Arena 10/27/13;
    Phila, PA 4/28/16; Phila, PA 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18; Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22;
    Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24; Phila, PA 9/7/24; Phila, PA 9/9/24; Baltimore Arena 9/12/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
  • eeriepadaveeeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 42,160
    I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then i turned myself around.
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    4/28/16- Philly, PA
    4/29/16- Philly, PA
    5/1/16- NYC
    5/2/16- NYC
    9/2/18- Boston, MA
    9/4/18- Boston, MA
    9/14/22- Camden, NJ
    9/7/24- Philly, PA
    9/9/24- Philly, PA
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly. PA
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
    RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA
  • PJ_SoulPJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 49,989
    There were two peanuts walking down the street. One was a salted.

    (That is literally my dad's favourite joke, and has been since at least 1982)
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
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