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Post your best "Dad" Joke

An attorney walks into an orthodontist's office to pick up his retainer........
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    My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled...

    I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."
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    mickeyratmickeyrat up my ass, like Chadwick was up his Posts: 36,275
    hey!!

    pull my finger
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
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    My dad was a joke.
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
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    markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,114
    I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
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    JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,450
    so far so good........anyone else got one?
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    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
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    Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 10,722
    You guys know that album Vs.?

    It's also got choruses!
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; WF Center 10/21/13; WF Center 10/22/13;
    Baltimore Arena 10/27/13; WF Center 4/28/16; WF Center 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18;
    Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22; Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
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    LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 8,169
    ^Nice original one^

    this guy walked into a bar.
    He got a bump on his head.
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    markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,114
    What do you get from a dwarf cow?

    Condensed milk
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    Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 10,722
    What do you get from a dwarf cow?

    Condensed milk
    How can evaporated milk possibly be in liquid form in the can? (not a joke, just asking)
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; WF Center 10/21/13; WF Center 10/22/13;
    Baltimore Arena 10/27/13; WF Center 4/28/16; WF Center 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18;
    Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22; Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
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    markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,114
    What do you get from a dwarf cow?

    Condensed milk
    How can evaporated milk possibly be in liquid form in the can? (not a joke, just asking)
    They remove about 60% of the water content, so it's still liquid just more like a syrupy consistency.
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    LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 8,169
    Why was 6 afraid of 7?
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    ymalkielymalkiel Posts: 129
    Loujoe said:
    Why was 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 8 9!
    ✌🏼❤️
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    ymalkielymalkiel Posts: 129
    Here’s one from Nick Cave:

    "Don't try calling a tinnitus helpline, it just keeps on ringing.“

    ✌🏼❤️
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    You guys know that album Vs.?

    It's also got choruses!

    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
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    bootlegger10bootlegger10 Posts: 15,622
    Why is a doctor always calm?   They have a lot of patients.  
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    mrussel1mrussel1 Posts: 28,766
    Man and a woman are on top of a building.  It's burning down.  They both know it's the end.  

    Woman says, "Johnny, one last time, make me a feel like a woman!".  

    Johnny takes off his clothes and says "Fold these"..

    Yes, I know it's terribly sexist.  But I'm a woman so I get to tell it.  

    She/hers. 
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    Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 10,722
    mrussel1 said:
    Man and a woman are on top of a building.  It's burning down.  They both know it's the end.  

    Woman says, "Johnny, one last time, make me a feel like a woman!".  

    Johnny takes off his clothes and says "Fold these"..

    Yes, I know it's terribly sexist.  But I'm a woman so I get to tell it.  

    She/hers. 
    They're always picking on the Johns...
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; WF Center 10/21/13; WF Center 10/22/13;
    Baltimore Arena 10/27/13; WF Center 4/28/16; WF Center 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18;
    Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22; Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
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    My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

    The news was hard for me to hear.
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    brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,905
    When does a joke become a "dad Joke"?
    When it's apparent.
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













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    Spiritual_ChaosSpiritual_Chaos Posts: 29,417
    edited November 2022
    Why is a doctor always calm?   They have a lot of patients.  
    How can you tell your Doctor is a Guns N Roses fan?

    He has a lot of patients
    Post edited by Spiritual_Chaos on
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
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    ymalkielymalkiel Posts: 129
    I misplaced my watch the other day. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent looking for it. 
    ✌🏼❤️
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    LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 8,169
     I know a little bunny, his nose is kinda runny. People think it's funny but itsnot
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    mrussel1mrussel1 Posts: 28,766
    brianlux said:
    When does a joke become a "dad Joke"?
    When it's apparent.
    Haha, this is good
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    LoujoeLoujoe Posts: 8,169
    How do you keep a jerk in suspense?
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    F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 30,787
    :lol:
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
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    mickeyratmickeyrat up my ass, like Chadwick was up his Posts: 36,275
    Loujoe said:
    How do you keep a jerk in suspense?

    this is rude. I get the impression you'll never tell me.
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
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    Johnny AbruzzoJohnny Abruzzo Philly Posts: 10,722
    When someone from Beirut lies to you…

    thats Lebanon Boloney 
    Spectrum 10/27/09; New Orleans JazzFest 5/1/10; Made in America 9/2/12; WF Center 10/21/13; WF Center 10/22/13;
    Baltimore Arena 10/27/13; WF Center 4/28/16; WF Center 4/29/16; Fenway Park 8/7/16; Fenway Park 9/2/18;
    Asbury Park 9/18/21; Camden 9/14/22; Las Vegas 5/16/24; Las Vegas 5/18/24

    Tres Mtns - TLA 3/23/11; EV - Tower Theatre 6/25/11; Temple of the Dog - Tower Theatre 11/5/16
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    eeriepadaveeeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 41,190
    I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then i turned myself around.
    bf959b1f-9b77-457c-baf8-038776f33339_zps8a6a389d.jpg?t=1365722973
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly
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    PJ_SoulPJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 49,736
    There were two peanuts walking down the street. One was a salted.

    (That is literally my dad's favourite joke, and has been since at least 1982)
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
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