Parenting high school children

Travels With

Good lord.  I have three kids.  10, 13, 16.  My 16 year old was the most rule abiding, super respectful, grades always great, hard working child that ever was.....and then he wasn't.  Parenting high school, can drive, work, need to be everywhere with friends all the time, need to do ALL THE THINGS, and then try to hide SOME of those things -- you know which things.  My goodness.  No one prepared me for this.  I do hold the reigns pretty tight sometimes --  I know that.  If any of you high school parent veterans want to offer advice -- I'll take it!  You parents out there that have younger kids -- you get to wait to offer advice.  You have big ideas - i did too.  But you're not there yet. 

And then tonight....he gets home from skiing all day and says, "Hey dad.  Don't you have like a bunch of record players?  Can I have one for my room?"  We spent the next hour going through records - me giving him a bunch to start with and it's like....all is okay in the world -- for now.  

Serious on the advice piece.  Parenting small children was a dream compared to the perceived freedom and lack of discipline that a 16 year old has.  Love that kid.  Reminds me of....me. 

lastexitlondon

Its a thankless task indeed. Ive raised 4 if my own and i now  have the unenviable task of raising someone  else's.   All i can say is i am invisible. I agree my 4 year old is easy

tempo_n_groove

Beat them.

I'm kidding of course.

Poncier

Military school.

hedonist

Ha! Great answers. Part of my reasons for remaining childless.

I appreciate the OP’s post in its humor and honesty. Wish I had a response in kind, except  to say that you too were once that age. That “I just have to!” state of mind that may or may not ease over time.

 Hell, I dunno either

I do wish you luck!

JeBurkhardt

Patience is the key. We raised 3 through their teenage years. They each had a few years that were a little rough, but eventually they settled back in to not being jerks (as much). We just had to wait it out and go with the flow.

lastexitlondon

Kids are assholes past the age of  5 esspecaily,  boys 

Poncier

lastexitlondon said:

Kids are assholes past the age of  5 esspecaily,  boys 

I have said to my wife countless times: "our son is an asshole" (He's 17 currently)

oftenreading

JeBurkhardt said:

Patience is the key. We raised 3 through their teenage years. They each had a few years that were a little rough, but eventually they settled back in to not being jerks (as much). We just had to wait it out and go with the flow.

I agree. Patience, love and affection even when they don't seem to want that (they do), and a light touch. Where possible give the benefit of the doubt and recognize that learning requires fucking up. 

lastexitlondon

Poncier said:

lastexitlondon said:

Kids are assholes past the age of  5 esspecaily,  boys 

I have said to my wife countless times: "our son is an asshole" (He's 17 currently)

You  speak the truth sir

oftenreading

lastexitlondon said:

Poncier said:

lastexitlondon said:

Kids are assholes past the age of  5 esspecaily,  boys 

I have said to my wife countless times: "our son is an asshole" (He's 17 currently)

You  speak the truth sir

At certain ages, you wonder if you're actually raising a psychopath  

Wobbie

I don’t mean to derail this thread but I’ve thought a lot about how there’s NO WAY I would bring a child into the world these days. All the anger, dysfunction, misinformation and crap on “social media.”

Is our U.S. totally fucked or will the next generation bring us back to functional civility?

dankind

Wobbie said:

I don’t mean to derail this thread but I’ve thought a lot about how there’s NO WAY I would bring a child into the world these days. All the anger, dysfunction, misinformation and crap on “social media.”

Is our U.S. totally fucked or will the next generation bring us back to functional civility?

As long as you're not bringing a child into the world, Wobbie, I still have hope. Not that I'm too concerned about it, of course, since a specimen of your vintage likely just ejaculates dust.

ed243421

Gern Blansten

I've raised four kids.  Tough love is my best advice. Don't be afraid to let them know how much they rely on you (phone, food, shelter, clothes, transportation, etc.) and come down hard when needed.

We had a few "if you don't like it go pack your shit" conversations which usually got our point across.

JojoRice

I'm not a parent but I'm currently in my 11th year of teaching high school.  You definitely have to have some patience and don't hesitate to lay down the law and set boundaries.  Just make sure you stick to whatever laws/boundaries that you lay down.  

Gern Blansten

I'm amazed to look back at my high school years vs our kids. 

No cell phones meant no way for parents to check up. I had a curfew but if I broke it my parents had no fucking idea where I was. Sometimes they would call friends/girlfriends to see if they knew anything but I cannot imagine going through that myself.

I also think today kids are much smarter related to drunk driving, etc. We were fucking idiots.

Wobbie

dankind said:

Wobbie said:

I don’t mean to derail this thread but I’ve thought a lot about how there’s NO WAY I would bring a child into the world these days. All the anger, dysfunction, misinformation and crap on “social media.”

Is our U.S. totally fucked or will the next generation bring us back to functional civility?

As long as you're not bringing a child into the world, Wobbie, I still have hope. Not that I'm too concerned about it, of course, since a specimen of your vintage likely just ejaculates dust.

haha....asshole.

I'm serious, dan....I would imagine parent have always worried about their kids, but isn't it much worse today? usta be, the parents could somewhat mold the values of their children. now, you have "social media influencers" who can do that.

pjhawks

Gern Blansten said:

I'm amazed to look back at my high school years vs our kids. 

No cell phones meant no way for parents to check up. I had a curfew but if I broke it my parents had no fucking idea where I was. Sometimes they would call friends/girlfriends to see if they knew anything but I cannot imagine going through that myself.

I also think today kids are much smarter related to drunk driving, etc. We were fucking idiots.

all of this 100%.   I can't imagine being a teen today and having your parents know where you are all the time.  It was glorious heading out for a night and parents having no idea where we going. The only thing they knew was pretty much who I was going out with.  Of course I'm sure all of that added 1000% to parents anxiety back then...unless it was more out of sight out of mind kind of deal. I imagine our parents all thought we were going to end up in a ditch.  hard to believe we survived teens to mid 20s with all the fucked up shit we did that would never fly today.  crazy but fun to think back on those times.

lastexitlondon

dankind said:

Wobbie said:

I don’t mean to derail this thread but I’ve thought a lot about how there’s NO WAY I would bring a child into the world these days. All the anger, dysfunction, misinformation and crap on “social media.”

Is our U.S. totally fucked or will the next generation bring us back to functional civility?

As long as you're not bringing a child into the world, Wobbie, I still have hope. Not that I'm too concerned about it, of course, since a specimen of your vintage likely just ejaculates dust.

I fuckin spat my drink  out. Well done dan

cblock4life

I would advise that you remember how you were when you were young.  Did you ever lie about where you were, what you were doing, etc…..?  I did so I approached raising teenagers asking not what they should do but rather what I did and assumed I would have to deal with those issues as they arose.  I’ve had both go to court.  One for a driving violation and one I wish would have been a driving issue.  Let’s see, they both did some underage drinking, just like I did.  I dealt with the younger getting arrested for purchasing heroine and when that happened I could have kicked myself in the ass because I knew for 3 months that something was wrong. Absolute worst time in my life so far.  Both are great adults now, extremely successful,  etc so for that I thank God.  

If you think somethings wrong, there is. 

Assume that at anytime they could be lying to you. 

If you have to deal with an issue like I did tough love is what ended it.  When I refused to go the hospital the second time he totaled his car  while DUI that’s when he finally got the message that I was done.  He was breaking my heart and I just couldn’t take watching him kill himself.  My only comment was “how many chances do you think god gives you?” Obviously there’s more to tell but always trust your instincts and check them every time they walk in the house.  I also took him for urine tests every other day….I wasn’t taking any chances.  I was the tough love, husband was not.  Get on the same page with your spouse/partner because if not it’s that much more difficult.  Good luck!  I’m always here if anyone needs help or questions.  

Meltdown99

Sell the unruly older ones…the younger ones will fall in line…

PureandEasy

cblock4life said:

If you think somethings wrong, there is. 

Assume that at anytime they could be lying to you. 

I'm not a parent either, but I was young once.  This is 100% true, pay attention, talk to your children.  If you think there is an issue with one of your kids, take them aside and talk to them.  Make them talk to you.  Ask them the hard questions, about drugs, drinking, school issues, friend issues, relationship issues, let them know that they can come to you.  I never felt that way with my parents, and my parents were great people; providers; but not very approachable.  You need to be approachable and engaged, especially now with social media.  Pay attention.

cblock4life

THANKS PURE FOR ADDING WHAT I MISSED!!!!  I love and appreciate what you added.  

HughFreakingDillon

two girls, 13 and 16. hoo boy it's an interesting road. the shit i was getting into at both their ages....i can't even fathom either of them doing. And I know for a fact the older one doesn't (homebody). But the younger one is super social and when she's around friends, we don't exist. She's a lovely kid, but I know when she gets to be an older teen there will definitely be some issues with boundaries and rules and such. 

the pandemic has definitely tempered a lot of the potential issues, so far, for sure. more limitations for socialization in big groups. 

I agree with Gern 100%. I have no idea how my parents didn't end up in a mental ward with the shit they knew i was doing, the people I was doing it with, and where were probably doing it, and had no idea if they'd get a call that I was in the morgue or missing or half eaten by a bear. 

the biggest advice is stay engaged. the worst thing you can do is alienate them out of frustration and pride. you WILL get hurt. Told you are hated, stupid, ignorant, etc. Put the pride away and focus on what matters, not those words, but where they are coming from. Ask them questions ALL THE TIME. "how was your day?". "hmmmmppphhh" (stomps downstairs). Next day: "how was your day?". "hmmmmpphhh (stomps downstairs). Until one day you'll get "not bad".

One of the biggest lessons I learned about parenting, I actually learned as a teenager. 

My sister was complaining to her friend how our parents are the strictest of anyone we knew (truth), and how awful it is that we have to leave wherever we are before anyone else, and hours before anyone else, and how her friend gets to do whatever she wants. She turned to my sister and said "at least you know they care". 

that hit me like a ton of bricks. as much as I despised my parents, and didn't want to talk to them most of the time, I knew their hearts were in the right place, because they kept showing me they were. that had an affect. (and I actually used that whenever some dick would make fun of my curfew-"at least my parents give a shit!"). 

lastexitlondon

HughFreakingDillon said:

two girls, 13 and 16. hoo boy it's an interesting road. the shit i was getting into at both their ages....i can't even fathom either of them doing. And I know for a fact the older one doesn't (homebody). But the younger one is super social and when she's around friends, we don't exist. She's a lovely kid, but I know when she gets to be an older teen there will definitely be some issues with boundaries and rules and such. 

the pandemic has definitely tempered a lot of the potential issues, so far, for sure. more limitations for socialization in big groups. 

I agree with Gern 100%. I have no idea how my parents didn't end up in a mental ward with the shit they knew i was doing, the people I was doing it with, and where were probably doing it, and had no idea if they'd get a call that I was in the morgue or missing or half eaten by a bear. 

the biggest advice is stay engaged. the worst thing you can do is alienate them out of frustration and pride. you WILL get hurt. Told you are hated, stupid, ignorant, etc. Put the pride away and focus on what matters, not those words, but where they are coming from. Ask them questions ALL THE TIME. "how was your day?". "hmmmmppphhh" (stomps downstairs). Next day: "how was your day?". "hmmmmpphhh (stomps downstairs). Until one day you'll get "not bad".

One of the biggest lessons I learned about parenting, I actually learned as a teenager. 

My sister was complaining to her friend how our parents are the strictest of anyone we knew (truth), and how awful it is that we have to leave wherever we are before anyone else, and hours before anyone else, and how her friend gets to do whatever she wants. She turned to my sister and said "at least you know they care". 

that hit me like a ton of bricks. as much as I despised my parents, and didn't want to talk to them most of the time, I knew their hearts were in the right place, because they kept showing me they were. that had an affect. (and I actually used that whenever some dick would make fun of my curfew-"at least my parents give a shit!"). 

Great post

Wobbie

I wrecked cars, got high, etc. when I was a teenager….but I was a good kid….and the world was a much better place.

Halifax2TheMax

Wobbie said:

I wrecked cars, got high, etc. when I was a teenager….but I was a good kid….and the world was a much better place.

Don’t you mean that you wrecked dinosaurs and the world was a less populated place?

Nothing else to add. I’m lucky to be alive. Good luck.

Poncier

Wobbie said:

I wrecked cars, got high, etc. when I was a teenager….but I was a good kid….and the world was a much better place.

Those Model-T's were expensive to fix, your folks must have been pissed.

lastexitlondon

Good points on how we fucked shit up but expect maybe  our kids won't.  They will.
Im proud my eldest 3 made it to 18 . 21. 23  in one piece  and are now wonderful humans.  Still got a 4 year old to guide and like i say somebody elses 15 year old boy oh boy.

Travels With

Wow.  I have thoroughly enjoyed reading through this.  Humorous, insightful, truly touching.  My kids are wonderful...except for when they're not.  
Honestly, I was moved and inspired by a lot of what I read through this.  Keep it coming!