Bullying from a far

lastexitlondon

So naturally they passed it on. So i dropped to his level for a day in 3 years

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

So naturally they passed it on. So i dropped to his level for a day in 3 years

I know it can be hard not to stoop to that level.  I've done the same.  Just the other day I saw this guy (I'll call him "Al") I know who was talking to some other people.  I was in a hurry to get to work so just said a quick "hello" and kept going.  So Al said, "I love you Brian, even if you are weird."  I laughed but then I heard one of the people Al was talking to say, "So what, are you guys lesbians?"  Well, that was a dumb ass comment and I knew not to let it bug me but it did anyway.  It did bug me because the guy who attacked me a few weeks ago called me a "faggot" and I was pissed not for being mistaken as gay, but for the prejudice that sort of thing evokes.  Anyway, I was steamed. I told my wife about it and she reminded me not to let things like that bug me.  They do bug me, but I have to remember that they are being childish and not to stoop to their level.

So yes, lastexit, it's hard, but try to remember that this guy  is a jerk and try not to let it get to you.  We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that!

JH6056

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

How did that end up being the agreement?  Do you and your partner have the interest and/or capacity to house the girl full-time?  I ask because if he's verbally abusive, how does that play out with the custody agreement and why has her counselor not given feedback to the courts about his verbal abuse (in the form or recommendations) - maybe he (dad) should be required to go to counseling?

Overall though, it's so important that you reinforce POSITIVE themes with both of them.  What's good about the (the kids), what they do well, and praise when they handle difficult/bad things well and positively.  Maybe also explain to them the old truth that when people spew hatred and nastiness, it says so so much more about them and their bad choices/state of mind than it does the person they're talking about.  Point that out again and again, keep them focused on the fact that he spends as much time as he does trying to hate on you guys, doesn't he have anything in his life that makes him happy and is more important than trying to make you miserable? What does that say about him that that's how he spends so much time?  Point that out to both kids if you haven't already.

You should get your own counselling so you have a safe place away from the kids to vent and get advice/feedback on how you handle this guy.

Honestly, the best revenge is to not care at all about him, not let him bait you into reactions.  But because there are kids involved and it is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE that he tries to make them vehicles for his bitterness and bad behavior (and now you're starting to do it too), it's really important to have somewhere to vent/process your very legitimate anger and frustration, while not feeding into his nastiness directly through the kids.

How is each kid doing in school?  Do you ever talk to the teachers, especially of the 16 yr old?  How are her peer dynamics?  

Lastly, whatever pop culture (films, t.v., books) examples of characters who are talked about horribly but rise above and stay focused on their own truth and positive identities and then go on to thrive and be in a good place... bombard both kids with age-appropriate examples of that story.  So important.

lastexitlondon

JH6056 said:

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

How did that end up being the agreement?  Do you and your partner have the interest and/or capacity to house the girl full-time?  I ask because if he's verbally abusive, how does that play out with the custody agreement and why has her counselor not given feedback to the courts about his verbal abuse (in the form or recommendations) - maybe he (dad) should be required to go to counseling?

Overall though, it's so important that you reinforce POSITIVE themes with both of them.  What's good about the (the kids), what they do well, and praise when they handle difficult/bad things well and positively.  Maybe also explain to them the old truth that when people spew hatred and nastiness, it says so so much more about them and their bad choices/state of mind than it does the person they're talking about.  Point that out again and again, keep them focused on the fact that he spends as much time as he does trying to hate on you guys, doesn't he have anything in his life that makes him happy and is more important than trying to make you miserable? What does that say about him that that's how he spends so much time?  Point that out to both kids if you haven't already.

You should get your own counselling so you have a safe place away from the kids to vent and get advice/feedback on how you handle this guy.

Honestly, the best revenge is to not care at all about him, not let him bait you into reactions.  But because there are kids involved and it is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE that he tries to make them vehicles for his bitterness and bad behavior (and now you're starting to do it too), it's really important to have somewhere to vent/process your very legitimate anger and frustration, while not feeding into his nastiness directly through the kids.

How is each kid doing in school?  Do you ever talk to the teachers, especially of the 16 yr old?  How are her peer dynamics?  

Lastly, whatever pop culture (films, t.v., books) examples of characters who are talked about horribly but rise above and stay focused on their own truth and positive identities and then go on to thrive and be in a good place... bombard both kids with age-appropriate examples of that story.  So important.

Long story but when mum left she took the youngest straight away and the girl said at the time when offered she wanted to stay. Later after we found a small 2 bed flat she told us the dad black mailed her emotionally saying he would buy her a pet,a p.c,decorate tge bedroom . And if she left he would be homeless because of tge benefits he gets for hed would stop. As far as school the boy who was so mixed up he loves me but his dad told him to hate on me. Confused the fuck out of him. councillor at school who did great. And because for 2.5 years i have been exactly what you describe teaching him exactly that. The girl hasn't been to school for 2 years she has had 4 suicide attempts and atill allowed to live there despite us offering to over crowd for her. She insists she wants her own room. Ive had counselling for 3 years on and off discussed this and i thought i was doing ok . Im not ive been suicidal. Bare in mind i left my wife and 3 kids because of my mental illness at the time only to find myself here feeling alone in a relationship because of this bullying with nobodu helping ME.

lastexitlondon

brianlux said:

lastexitlondon said:

So naturally they passed it on. So i dropped to his level for a day in 3 years

I know it can be hard not to stoop to that level.  I've done the same.  Just the other day I saw this guy (I'll call him "Al") I know who was talking to some other people.  I was in a hurry to get to work so just said a quick "hello" and kept going.  So Al said, "I love you Brian, even if you are weird."  I laughed but then I heard one of the people Al was talking to say, "So what, are you guys lesbians?"  Well, that was a dumb ass comment and I knew not to let it bug me but it did anyway.  It did bug me because the guy who attacked me a few weeks ago called me a "faggot" and I was pissed not for being mistaken as gay, but for the prejudice that sort of thing evokes.  Anyway, I was steamed. I told my wife about it and she reminded me not to let things like that bug me.  They do bug me, but I have to remember that they are being childish and not to stoop to their level.

So yes, lastexit, it's hard, but try to remember that this guy  is a jerk and try not to let it get to you.  We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that!

True brian
 Last week i had a guy openly take the piss out me and my son for wearing glasses. So i snapped. My son has had them since the age of 3. Kids used to pull them of. When he played sport he was left searching on the floor for them . Broke my heart and i swore one day i would save up for laser surgery. He is now 19. I went at this guy infront of 40 people. Guess what the bully shit it and was grovelling. Prick

lastexitlondon

Sorry my typing is shit im all worked and clumsy normally anyway

JH6056

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

How did that end up being the agreement?  Do you and your partner have the interest and/or capacity to house the girl full-time?  I ask because if he's verbally abusive, how does that play out with the custody agreement and why has her counselor not given feedback to the courts about his verbal abuse (in the form or recommendations) - maybe he (dad) should be required to go to counseling?

Overall though, it's so important that you reinforce POSITIVE themes with both of them.  What's good about the (the kids), what they do well, and praise when they handle difficult/bad things well and positively.  Maybe also explain to them the old truth that when people spew hatred and nastiness, it says so so much more about them and their bad choices/state of mind than it does the person they're talking about.  Point that out again and again, keep them focused on the fact that he spends as much time as he does trying to hate on you guys, doesn't he have anything in his life that makes him happy and is more important than trying to make you miserable? What does that say about him that that's how he spends so much time?  Point that out to both kids if you haven't already.

You should get your own counselling so you have a safe place away from the kids to vent and get advice/feedback on how you handle this guy.

Honestly, the best revenge is to not care at all about him, not let him bait you into reactions.  But because there are kids involved and it is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE that he tries to make them vehicles for his bitterness and bad behavior (and now you're starting to do it too), it's really important to have somewhere to vent/process your very legitimate anger and frustration, while not feeding into his nastiness directly through the kids.

How is each kid doing in school?  Do you ever talk to the teachers, especially of the 16 yr old?  How are her peer dynamics?  

Lastly, whatever pop culture (films, t.v., books) examples of characters who are talked about horribly but rise above and stay focused on their own truth and positive identities and then go on to thrive and be in a good place... bombard both kids with age-appropriate examples of that story.  So important.

Long story but when mum left she took the youngest straight away and the girl said at the time when offered she wanted to stay. Later after we found a small 2 bed flat she told us the dad black mailed her emotionally saying he would buy her a pet,a p.c,decorate tge bedroom . And if she left he would be homeless because of tge benefits he gets for hed would stop. As far as school the boy who was so mixed up he loves me but his dad told him to hate on me. Confused the fuck out of him. councillor at school who did great. And because for 2.5 years i have been exactly what you describe teaching him exactly that. The girl hasn't been to school for 2 years she has had 4 suicide attempts and atill allowed to live there despite us offering to over crowd for her. She insists she wants her own room. Ive had counselling for 3 years on and off discussed this and i thought i was doing ok . Im not ive been suicidal. Bare in mind i left my wife and 3 kids because of my mental illness at the time only to find myself here feeling alone in a relationship because of this bullying with nobodu helping ME.

I'm not sure where you live (I assume London because of your screen name?), but do you have a child welfare system?  When your daughter made suicide attempts was this reported to child welfare and did they intervene in terms of counselling or recommendations to change where she lives?  And once she admitted her dad blackmailed her into staying, what is her reason now for remaining with him?  Only that she wants her own room?

I don't get some of this.  It sounds like a very serious situation and I don't understand whether all the angles of it have been reported to the proper authorities so that maybe other supports or arrangements could be required?

lastexitlondon

Yes all authority has been involved. Cahms is involved amd she has started to open up.Everytime she ends up in hospital they have to interview both parents . And they seem to let her home with him. This last time she was meant to come here. Not that i want that pressure here.i can't understand how they let her home with him. She wants out but can't confront him about it she told the mental health people they advised some safe guarding that never happened. She is my partners daughter just to clarify. 

JH6056

Yes, you made it clear she's your partner's daughter. So... you know you have the right to follow up with the authorities when something that was supposed to be set up wasn't, right?  Like her safety plan?  And if she was supposed to go home with you last time and it didn't happen, why didn't it happen?

I know it is EXHAUSTING to deal with exhausting, draining humans like this man, but following up with the mental health people and the authorities can be a hassle in the present but lead to more lasting better outcomes for the long run.

Now knowing your financial situation, by any chance will all of you get to go away at all this spring/summer?  What's the daughter like after spending a bit of concentrated time with you guys, is she good?  

Whether you're going away or not, seriously consider with your partner getting even more strategic than you've already been about getting her with you.  Did you say she doesn't go to school anymore?  That is SO serious.  Is she with the negative dad at home all day? What does she do all day?

And you must be so tired! Are you back to counselling for yourself again?  You said you were on and off then thought you were ok but now you're not.  Can you go back?  You can't help anyone else if you're not stable and feeling ok yourself.  Your wife too.  

I know it's a daily, sometimes hourly struggle to navigate all these challenges.  Hang in there, and please USE the resources that are available, even though sometimes just getting through to the agencies is a hassle all in itself.

And find ways to recognize where you're doing well, where things have improved.  Name them, talk about them out loud, be grateful to each other or yourselves or higher power or whoever/whatever you thank when you're really grateful.  You are having many successes, it sometimes just doesn't feel that way because of all the struggle.

And do what you can to get that girl to live with you, I have a feeling you guys are her only shot.

lastexitlondon

She is now at college which she doesn't attend. He doesn't care. He sleeps until mid day. Sometimes she goes out to dupe him she is at college.she missed school 2 years nothing happened to the dad. He just gave up. She works 3 days that she hasn't got college. But soon he will have gos benefits cut if she doesn't attend then he wilk be very angry. She didnt come last time because she insisted on going home. Lets be clear we live in a small 2 bed flat with hos son my baby and us 2. There is no place for her to stay. We are on a council waiting list and have raised it with the council but we rent privately on benefits because ive had a mental breakdown.its a shit  situation. Also i have 3 lovely safe . Wise children that used to come over and stayed on the couch the odd night. Don't come anymore because of the son . Who is hard work around others. Im at breaking point. The authorities are not helping. And she would have to move in full time in our only space the front room. My councillor said it's not possible for my mental health. It's all a mess. Non of which i caused. I moping up others mess again

lastexitlondon

Now we have the baby its not possible

lastexitlondon

I have to sleep now im shattered. I will be back tomorrow

HesCalledDyer

Get a consultation with a lawyer. Stop by your local police station.  Those outlets can offer the best methods of response to matters like this.  Don't let it fester to a point where something blows up in anyone's face.  Since he seems to have cowardly tendencies in face-to-face confrontations, a little scare from the boys in blue might just end the behavior.  Don't let him continue to emotionally abuse any of you.  By being indifferent and not taking proper action, he sees it as an open invitation to continue.  That's how bullies and manipulators work.

And I know it's tough but don't ever blame yourself for the wrongs others do upon you. That is solely a reflection of themselves and not you.

lastexitlondon

HesCalledDyer said:

Get a consultation with a lawyer. Stop by your local police station.  Those outlets can offer the best methods of response to matters like this.  Don't let it fester to a point where something blows up in anyone's face.  Since he seems to have cowardly tendencies in face-to-face confrontations, a little scare from the boys in blue might just end the behavior.  Don't let him continue to emotionally abuse any of you.  By being indifferent and not taking proper action, he sees it as an open invitation to continue.  That's how bullies and manipulators work.

And I know it's tough but don't ever blame yourself for the wrongs others do upon you. That is solely a reflection of themselves and not you.

Thats exactly what has happened by me not responding he has the impression he can say as he wants . But i can't get help because what do i say..
 He told his kid to call me names? They won't care. Its cowardly to the extreme. My partner aent my phone number to him and said any futher conversation you can have woth rob. He replied i have no desire to talk to him I will only talk to you about the kids. So he can name call and send them with negative messages but doesn't want to talk to me only about me. And im not to do the same.  Hard

JH6056

lastexitlondon said:

She is now at college which she doesn't attend. He doesn't care. He sleeps until mid day. Sometimes she goes out to dupe him she is at college.she missed school 2 years nothing happened to the dad. He just gave up. She works 3 days that she hasn't got college. But soon he will have gos benefits cut if she doesn't attend then he wilk be very angry. She didnt come last time because she insisted on going home. Lets be clear we live in a small 2 bed flat with hos son my baby and us 2. There is no place for her to stay. We are on a council waiting list and have raised it with the council but we rent privately on benefits because ive had a mental breakdown.its a shit  situation. Also i have 3 lovely safe . Wise children that used to come over and stayed on the couch the odd night. Don't come anymore because of the son . Who is hard work around others. Im at breaking point. The authorities are not helping. And she would have to move in full time in our only space the front room. My councillor said it's not possible for my mental health. It's all a mess. Non of which i caused. I moping up others mess again

That is a LOT.

One more suggestion: do you ever do family counselling? Sometimes that is really powerful, because if you get a good counselor, they can facilitate sessions in a way where each person can be seen and heard in a way that maybe they weren't before, and that is important to them and their healing.  I only mean of course for you, your wife, and her 2 kids (and I dunno, maybe your other 3 kids too sometimes?)?

I am much more useful at giving advice when I know the specific resources available in an area, but I just hope you guys take care of your adult minds and health first, because the healthier you are, the better you can handle your kids and provide for them.

I also added some thoughts to my above post, just in case we posted at the same time.

I've got to sign off, you have a lot going on.  The families in similar situations that I've worked with for years, the single most important factor that helps them be successful is a human, can be a professional or a regular person/neighbor/clergy/counselor/extended family/friend, but that one steady human who can just keep reflecting positivity and point out what's going ok or the positives of even the most negative situations.  They don't have to be therapists, just someone you can trust, vent to, and who sees and reflects back to you hhow hard you're working to try to keep it all together.  If you haven't found that person, a counselor is definitely the next best thing.  Well, you should go to the counselor no matter what!  But this other person is really important too.

And back to your original question, just keep focusing on the positives with your son and daughter, even if it's hard to find the positives many days.  And 

Good luck!

lastexitlondon

This is getting beyond bullying and its all subliminal no actual written proof. Now he is making lies to the boys school we have to go to a meeting i can't find a way to stop this man

Degeneratefk

mickeyrat said

the opinions of me by others are none of my business.

think how small he must feel to act out in this way AND involve the kids. small and worthless.

simply put, you can DEMAND of the kids to keep that to themselves. But I wonder, do they believe what dad says?

Well said

lastexitlondon

This has just gone very wrong..ive now upset my partner and she has stormed out to go and confront him. But it might be whats needed

Thoughts_Arrive

There's a bit of bullying going on from afar on this very forum...

PureandEasy

I know it's a difficult situation but it does seem as though your partner is not standing up for you, especially to her own children. She should sit them down and explain that their father cannot accept the divorce and he's lashing out at you and that they should not pay attention to his nastiness.  You need to forget about him and show her children that you're a good man, and do this by actions.  You seem to be cowering from his insults instead of showing by actions. Spend time with the kids, take an interest in them. Talk to them. They will come around. Be kind and supportive, do not show bitterness toward their father, that is only feeding their confusion. They're young and impressionable, plus they are children of divorce, give them time and they will come to realize you're not the ogre their father makes you out to be.  Most of all, let it go. The dudes a jerk. Pity him instead of playing his game. Let it GO!