Bullying from a far

lastexitlondon

Im in a situation where someone is sending things to call me and say about me through their children and not to my face or though any written means. 
Its been 3 years and counting!
I didn't respond for 2.5 years but the last 6 months.  I'd had enough and sent it back same way. Which is probably wrong but now im at a point where i feel violent. This person is the ex husband of my partner . 1 of his children lives with us and the other keeps overdosing whilst under his"care" he is a nasty narcissistic man who threatens women and children and only men via internet or txt. A coward when confronted. The first 2 years i said to the child oh that's un kind when he would say my dad says you are a tramp or goofy or whatever. But its affected my cery badly being put down through children i can't defend myself. Now its all got too much
 I did it back. He now is threatened my partner to "deal with me" i don't have contact with him ever directly and she only has written contact via txt so it can be kept. After he compulsively lied and stole her crefit card filled it up and wscaped punishment. He also told social services i hit the son . Which the son was mortified by as i have taught him to ride a bike. Tie his laces. Swim
 Cook. All sorts. But now im at a point it must stop before i end up in prison

ConorKavanagh

Hey man. This is a really rough situation to find yourself in and thanks for sharing it with us. Things are already tough enough for you without this on top of it I'm sure. I think (and it's just my opinion here) that you need to contact the police and see if there's anything that they can do to help you, and say that you'd like to just have them speak with him in order to stop the threats.

SmallestOceans

Don't get sucked into other people's bs games, stay centered always.

hedonist

Sorry you're going through this.  Sounds more like someone just being an asshole vs. bullying (though I suppose it's perceived differently).

Don't sink to his level.  Get authorities involved.  Continue to focus on the children, your partner, and most importantly, yourself.

Comes a point where we're too old to deal with juvenile shit.

Rise above, and try not to act in kind.

Annafalk

This sounds really bad, I feel sorry for the children as well. The best way to handle this (I think) is to ignore it even if it’s hard. 

lastexitlondon

Yeah i have ignored but his kids keep coming back from there saying he says thi. He calls you that. Its like a drip feed on low morale and low self worth which i have had years of thanks to my dad. Its like it all comes back. I can't always igonre but i can't retaliate i have to swallow it and suffer internally. Its so hard. I guess i got in this situation so its my fault at the end of the day

Annafalk

Maybe say to the kid to not tell you what he has said. Because it’s better grown ups speak directly to each other. (The ex. really sounds like a true ar*hole btw)

stuckinline

lastexitlondon,
It is NOT your fault at the end of the day. Does your partner hear what the kids are saying? I hope your partner will step up and help you deal with this situation.
I would recommend documenting every thing that happens. I know it's a pain in the butt, but if the ex is calling authorities on you, documentation may be helpful.
Also, please do not text the ex. I know it is difficult, but your texts 'validate' this person.
Focus on the good times with the kids. Be proud that you taught the kid to ride his bike, tie his laces, etc. You are an important role model for the kids.
And yes, it is difficult.

lastexitlondon

I tried to tell the boy he is 11 and on the autistic spectrum so is very black and white. The daughter is nearly and knows exactly what she is doing. Playing games back and forth. She is a self harmer and  tbh plays the suicide card everytime she does wrong. They are all damaged by this coward. Im the only one who is not scared of him but i have no contact with him never have in 3 years so he assumes i think that im weak and he can say what he likes to his kids to pass on . He is scared of me. Hides when we collect the other kids from his house. The day my partner left him he hit her whilst i was on the phone to her. So i went round to pick her up we only friends at the time. I wanted to hurt him . He hid out back so i took her to safety. The court didn't procecute because it was a civil matter one word against the other. I heard it all photographs the bruise and that wasn't enough because we became a couple by the time she reported it a couple months later when he stole 4000 on her credit card by defrauding her   pretending to be her online. Police didn't procecute again bec technically still married and he got away again

mickeyrat

the opinions of me by others are none of my business.

think how small he must feel to act out in this way AND involve the kids. small and worthless.

simply put, you can DEMAND of the kids to keep that to themselves. But I wonder, do they believe what dad says?

dankind

This is one of those instances in which it's a damn shame that it's a crime to beat someone's ass from hell to breakfast. Life was so much easier when you just had to go to the principal's office for such a thing (i.e., actually solving the problem).

PJ_Soul

Make sure you don't do it back to him. Never ever put anything in writing that makes you come off like you're attacking in any way. Sounds like you already did once. Don't do it again. No texts, no emails, nothing. Anything like that can be used as ammunition against you, no matter how bad he is.
Sucks you're dealing with a situation like that, sorry.

JH6056

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

lastexitlondon

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

lastexitlondon

PJ_Soul said:

Make sure you don't do it back to him. Never ever put anything in writing that makes you come off like you're attacking in any way. Sounds like you already did once. Don't do it again. No texts, no emails, nothing. Anything like that can be used as ammunition against you, no matter how bad he is.
Sucks you're dealing with a situation like that, sorry.

I haven't written anything so thats ok. 

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

the opinions of me by others are none of my business.

think how small he must feel to act out in this way AND involve the kids. small and worthless.

simply put, you can DEMAND of the kids to keep that to themselves. But I wonder, do they believe what dad says?

Wise words. So hard to implicate. I have demanded and I think they know he is angry and verball i am not they know that too.but they are fed bullshit from him. 

lastexitlondon

dankind said:

This is one of those instances in which it's a damn shame that it's a crime to beat someone's ass from hell to breakfast. Life was so much easier when you just had to go to the principal's office for such a thing (i.e., actually solving the problem).

Agreed.

lastexitlondon

This man has even said to the kids their mother is now a slag because she has a baby with someone that tge same dad. They are divorced! And implied tge baby was a bastard.That was what made me switch because thats my partner and my baby. I meant to sit here and listen to this and not be angry. I internalise and become ill. When i want to now give it back where it came from. Im 42 this mug is 52. Childish shit

Gingerlou77

Has he sent anything by text?

lastexitlondon

No nothing  because. A while ago when she had contact with him via phone i over heard him talking bad and threatening. So from then on only txt or email and he knows its all kept so he says nothing except really out of character phrases and words like he is trying to get her to type something he can use. She doesn't my partner wouldn't say boo to a goose. Been repressed and belittled 20 years by this oaf

lastexitlondon

He has been used to saying whatever he likes to her or at her. So now he can't he has resorted to going through the kids and its fucked with their head. So i made a mistake by saying tell your dad he is a cunt and if he comes by i will go out and have a word with him. I had had enough about yhe baby and my partner was too far.