Bullying from a far

lastexitlondon

Im in a situation where someone is sending things to call me and say about me through their children and not to my face or though any written means. 
Its been 3 years and counting!
I didn't respond for 2.5 years but the last 6 months.  I'd had enough and sent it back same way. Which is probably wrong but now im at a point where i feel violent. This person is the ex husband of my partner . 1 of his children lives with us and the other keeps overdosing whilst under his"care" he is a nasty narcissistic man who threatens women and children and only men via internet or txt. A coward when confronted. The first 2 years i said to the child oh that's un kind when he would say my dad says you are a tramp or goofy or whatever. But its affected my cery badly being put down through children i can't defend myself. Now its all got too much
 I did it back. He now is threatened my partner to "deal with me" i don't have contact with him ever directly and she only has written contact via txt so it can be kept. After he compulsively lied and stole her crefit card filled it up and wscaped punishment. He also told social services i hit the son . Which the son was mortified by as i have taught him to ride a bike. Tie his laces. Swim
 Cook. All sorts. But now im at a point it must stop before i end up in prison

ConorKavanagh

Hey man. This is a really rough situation to find yourself in and thanks for sharing it with us. Things are already tough enough for you without this on top of it I'm sure. I think (and it's just my opinion here) that you need to contact the police and see if there's anything that they can do to help you, and say that you'd like to just have them speak with him in order to stop the threats.

SmallestOceans

Don't get sucked into other people's bs games, stay centered always.

hedonist

Sorry you're going through this.  Sounds more like someone just being an asshole vs. bullying (though I suppose it's perceived differently).

Don't sink to his level.  Get authorities involved.  Continue to focus on the children, your partner, and most importantly, yourself.

Comes a point where we're too old to deal with juvenile shit.

Rise above, and try not to act in kind.

Annafalk

This sounds really bad, I feel sorry for the children as well. The best way to handle this (I think) is to ignore it even if it’s hard. 

lastexitlondon

Yeah i have ignored but his kids keep coming back from there saying he says thi. He calls you that. Its like a drip feed on low morale and low self worth which i have had years of thanks to my dad. Its like it all comes back. I can't always igonre but i can't retaliate i have to swallow it and suffer internally. Its so hard. I guess i got in this situation so its my fault at the end of the day

Annafalk

Maybe say to the kid to not tell you what he has said. Because it’s better grown ups speak directly to each other. (The ex. really sounds like a true ar*hole btw)

stuckinline

lastexitlondon,
It is NOT your fault at the end of the day. Does your partner hear what the kids are saying? I hope your partner will step up and help you deal with this situation.
I would recommend documenting every thing that happens. I know it's a pain in the butt, but if the ex is calling authorities on you, documentation may be helpful.
Also, please do not text the ex. I know it is difficult, but your texts 'validate' this person.
Focus on the good times with the kids. Be proud that you taught the kid to ride his bike, tie his laces, etc. You are an important role model for the kids.
And yes, it is difficult.

lastexitlondon

I tried to tell the boy he is 11 and on the autistic spectrum so is very black and white. The daughter is nearly and knows exactly what she is doing. Playing games back and forth. She is a self harmer and  tbh plays the suicide card everytime she does wrong. They are all damaged by this coward. Im the only one who is not scared of him but i have no contact with him never have in 3 years so he assumes i think that im weak and he can say what he likes to his kids to pass on . He is scared of me. Hides when we collect the other kids from his house. The day my partner left him he hit her whilst i was on the phone to her. So i went round to pick her up we only friends at the time. I wanted to hurt him . He hid out back so i took her to safety. The court didn't procecute because it was a civil matter one word against the other. I heard it all photographs the bruise and that wasn't enough because we became a couple by the time she reported it a couple months later when he stole 4000 on her credit card by defrauding her   pretending to be her online. Police didn't procecute again bec technically still married and he got away again

mickeyrat

the opinions of me by others are none of my business.

think how small he must feel to act out in this way AND involve the kids. small and worthless.

simply put, you can DEMAND of the kids to keep that to themselves. But I wonder, do they believe what dad says?

dankind

This is one of those instances in which it's a damn shame that it's a crime to beat someone's ass from hell to breakfast. Life was so much easier when you just had to go to the principal's office for such a thing (i.e., actually solving the problem).

PJ_Soul

Make sure you don't do it back to him. Never ever put anything in writing that makes you come off like you're attacking in any way. Sounds like you already did once. Don't do it again. No texts, no emails, nothing. Anything like that can be used as ammunition against you, no matter how bad he is.
Sucks you're dealing with a situation like that, sorry.

JH6056

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

lastexitlondon

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

lastexitlondon

PJ_Soul said:

Make sure you don't do it back to him. Never ever put anything in writing that makes you come off like you're attacking in any way. Sounds like you already did once. Don't do it again. No texts, no emails, nothing. Anything like that can be used as ammunition against you, no matter how bad he is.
Sucks you're dealing with a situation like that, sorry.

I haven't written anything so thats ok. 

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

the opinions of me by others are none of my business.

think how small he must feel to act out in this way AND involve the kids. small and worthless.

simply put, you can DEMAND of the kids to keep that to themselves. But I wonder, do they believe what dad says?

Wise words. So hard to implicate. I have demanded and I think they know he is angry and verball i am not they know that too.but they are fed bullshit from him. 

lastexitlondon

dankind said:

This is one of those instances in which it's a damn shame that it's a crime to beat someone's ass from hell to breakfast. Life was so much easier when you just had to go to the principal's office for such a thing (i.e., actually solving the problem).

Agreed.

lastexitlondon

This man has even said to the kids their mother is now a slag because she has a baby with someone that tge same dad. They are divorced! And implied tge baby was a bastard.That was what made me switch because thats my partner and my baby. I meant to sit here and listen to this and not be angry. I internalise and become ill. When i want to now give it back where it came from. Im 42 this mug is 52. Childish shit

Gingerlou77

Has he sent anything by text?

lastexitlondon

No nothing  because. A while ago when she had contact with him via phone i over heard him talking bad and threatening. So from then on only txt or email and he knows its all kept so he says nothing except really out of character phrases and words like he is trying to get her to type something he can use. She doesn't my partner wouldn't say boo to a goose. Been repressed and belittled 20 years by this oaf

lastexitlondon

He has been used to saying whatever he likes to her or at her. So now he can't he has resorted to going through the kids and its fucked with their head. So i made a mistake by saying tell your dad he is a cunt and if he comes by i will go out and have a word with him. I had had enough about yhe baby and my partner was too far. 

lastexitlondon

So naturally they passed it on. So i dropped to his level for a day in 3 years

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

So naturally they passed it on. So i dropped to his level for a day in 3 years

I know it can be hard not to stoop to that level.  I've done the same.  Just the other day I saw this guy (I'll call him "Al") I know who was talking to some other people.  I was in a hurry to get to work so just said a quick "hello" and kept going.  So Al said, "I love you Brian, even if you are weird."  I laughed but then I heard one of the people Al was talking to say, "So what, are you guys lesbians?"  Well, that was a dumb ass comment and I knew not to let it bug me but it did anyway.  It did bug me because the guy who attacked me a few weeks ago called me a "faggot" and I was pissed not for being mistaken as gay, but for the prejudice that sort of thing evokes.  Anyway, I was steamed. I told my wife about it and she reminded me not to let things like that bug me.  They do bug me, but I have to remember that they are being childish and not to stoop to their level.

So yes, lastexit, it's hard, but try to remember that this guy  is a jerk and try not to let it get to you.  We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that!

JH6056

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

How did that end up being the agreement?  Do you and your partner have the interest and/or capacity to house the girl full-time?  I ask because if he's verbally abusive, how does that play out with the custody agreement and why has her counselor not given feedback to the courts about his verbal abuse (in the form or recommendations) - maybe he (dad) should be required to go to counseling?

Overall though, it's so important that you reinforce POSITIVE themes with both of them.  What's good about the (the kids), what they do well, and praise when they handle difficult/bad things well and positively.  Maybe also explain to them the old truth that when people spew hatred and nastiness, it says so so much more about them and their bad choices/state of mind than it does the person they're talking about.  Point that out again and again, keep them focused on the fact that he spends as much time as he does trying to hate on you guys, doesn't he have anything in his life that makes him happy and is more important than trying to make you miserable? What does that say about him that that's how he spends so much time?  Point that out to both kids if you haven't already.

You should get your own counselling so you have a safe place away from the kids to vent and get advice/feedback on how you handle this guy.

Honestly, the best revenge is to not care at all about him, not let him bait you into reactions.  But because there are kids involved and it is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE that he tries to make them vehicles for his bitterness and bad behavior (and now you're starting to do it too), it's really important to have somewhere to vent/process your very legitimate anger and frustration, while not feeding into his nastiness directly through the kids.

How is each kid doing in school?  Do you ever talk to the teachers, especially of the 16 yr old?  How are her peer dynamics?  

Lastly, whatever pop culture (films, t.v., books) examples of characters who are talked about horribly but rise above and stay focused on their own truth and positive identities and then go on to thrive and be in a good place... bombard both kids with age-appropriate examples of that story.  So important.

lastexitlondon

JH6056 said:

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

How did that end up being the agreement?  Do you and your partner have the interest and/or capacity to house the girl full-time?  I ask because if he's verbally abusive, how does that play out with the custody agreement and why has her counselor not given feedback to the courts about his verbal abuse (in the form or recommendations) - maybe he (dad) should be required to go to counseling?

Overall though, it's so important that you reinforce POSITIVE themes with both of them.  What's good about the (the kids), what they do well, and praise when they handle difficult/bad things well and positively.  Maybe also explain to them the old truth that when people spew hatred and nastiness, it says so so much more about them and their bad choices/state of mind than it does the person they're talking about.  Point that out again and again, keep them focused on the fact that he spends as much time as he does trying to hate on you guys, doesn't he have anything in his life that makes him happy and is more important than trying to make you miserable? What does that say about him that that's how he spends so much time?  Point that out to both kids if you haven't already.

You should get your own counselling so you have a safe place away from the kids to vent and get advice/feedback on how you handle this guy.

Honestly, the best revenge is to not care at all about him, not let him bait you into reactions.  But because there are kids involved and it is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE that he tries to make them vehicles for his bitterness and bad behavior (and now you're starting to do it too), it's really important to have somewhere to vent/process your very legitimate anger and frustration, while not feeding into his nastiness directly through the kids.

How is each kid doing in school?  Do you ever talk to the teachers, especially of the 16 yr old?  How are her peer dynamics?  

Lastly, whatever pop culture (films, t.v., books) examples of characters who are talked about horribly but rise above and stay focused on their own truth and positive identities and then go on to thrive and be in a good place... bombard both kids with age-appropriate examples of that story.  So important.

Long story but when mum left she took the youngest straight away and the girl said at the time when offered she wanted to stay. Later after we found a small 2 bed flat she told us the dad black mailed her emotionally saying he would buy her a pet,a p.c,decorate tge bedroom . And if she left he would be homeless because of tge benefits he gets for hed would stop. As far as school the boy who was so mixed up he loves me but his dad told him to hate on me. Confused the fuck out of him. councillor at school who did great. And because for 2.5 years i have been exactly what you describe teaching him exactly that. The girl hasn't been to school for 2 years she has had 4 suicide attempts and atill allowed to live there despite us offering to over crowd for her. She insists she wants her own room. Ive had counselling for 3 years on and off discussed this and i thought i was doing ok . Im not ive been suicidal. Bare in mind i left my wife and 3 kids because of my mental illness at the time only to find myself here feeling alone in a relationship because of this bullying with nobodu helping ME.

lastexitlondon

brianlux said:

lastexitlondon said:

So naturally they passed it on. So i dropped to his level for a day in 3 years

I know it can be hard not to stoop to that level.  I've done the same.  Just the other day I saw this guy (I'll call him "Al") I know who was talking to some other people.  I was in a hurry to get to work so just said a quick "hello" and kept going.  So Al said, "I love you Brian, even if you are weird."  I laughed but then I heard one of the people Al was talking to say, "So what, are you guys lesbians?"  Well, that was a dumb ass comment and I knew not to let it bug me but it did anyway.  It did bug me because the guy who attacked me a few weeks ago called me a "faggot" and I was pissed not for being mistaken as gay, but for the prejudice that sort of thing evokes.  Anyway, I was steamed. I told my wife about it and she reminded me not to let things like that bug me.  They do bug me, but I have to remember that they are being childish and not to stoop to their level.

So yes, lastexit, it's hard, but try to remember that this guy  is a jerk and try not to let it get to you.  We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that!

True brian
 Last week i had a guy openly take the piss out me and my son for wearing glasses. So i snapped. My son has had them since the age of 3. Kids used to pull them of. When he played sport he was left searching on the floor for them . Broke my heart and i swore one day i would save up for laser surgery. He is now 19. I went at this guy infront of 40 people. Guess what the bully shit it and was grovelling. Prick

lastexitlondon

Sorry my typing is shit im all worked and clumsy normally anyway

JH6056

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

lastexitlondon said:

JH6056 said:

I need more info to give any helpful advice.  How many kids and how old are they?  How many are his?  What are the custody and visitation arrangements?

And aside from this person's bad behavior, is there any family counseling already in process that involves the kids?

A boy 11 and girl 16. Boy lives with us. Girl with him. But she comes over and stays regularly when he is verbally abusive . But she has learned manipulation from him. They both have had and she remains in counciling where she has started to tell them about him but they are in fear of him

How did that end up being the agreement?  Do you and your partner have the interest and/or capacity to house the girl full-time?  I ask because if he's verbally abusive, how does that play out with the custody agreement and why has her counselor not given feedback to the courts about his verbal abuse (in the form or recommendations) - maybe he (dad) should be required to go to counseling?

Overall though, it's so important that you reinforce POSITIVE themes with both of them.  What's good about the (the kids), what they do well, and praise when they handle difficult/bad things well and positively.  Maybe also explain to them the old truth that when people spew hatred and nastiness, it says so so much more about them and their bad choices/state of mind than it does the person they're talking about.  Point that out again and again, keep them focused on the fact that he spends as much time as he does trying to hate on you guys, doesn't he have anything in his life that makes him happy and is more important than trying to make you miserable? What does that say about him that that's how he spends so much time?  Point that out to both kids if you haven't already.

You should get your own counselling so you have a safe place away from the kids to vent and get advice/feedback on how you handle this guy.

Honestly, the best revenge is to not care at all about him, not let him bait you into reactions.  But because there are kids involved and it is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE that he tries to make them vehicles for his bitterness and bad behavior (and now you're starting to do it too), it's really important to have somewhere to vent/process your very legitimate anger and frustration, while not feeding into his nastiness directly through the kids.

How is each kid doing in school?  Do you ever talk to the teachers, especially of the 16 yr old?  How are her peer dynamics?  

Lastly, whatever pop culture (films, t.v., books) examples of characters who are talked about horribly but rise above and stay focused on their own truth and positive identities and then go on to thrive and be in a good place... bombard both kids with age-appropriate examples of that story.  So important.

Long story but when mum left she took the youngest straight away and the girl said at the time when offered she wanted to stay. Later after we found a small 2 bed flat she told us the dad black mailed her emotionally saying he would buy her a pet,a p.c,decorate tge bedroom . And if she left he would be homeless because of tge benefits he gets for hed would stop. As far as school the boy who was so mixed up he loves me but his dad told him to hate on me. Confused the fuck out of him. councillor at school who did great. And because for 2.5 years i have been exactly what you describe teaching him exactly that. The girl hasn't been to school for 2 years she has had 4 suicide attempts and atill allowed to live there despite us offering to over crowd for her. She insists she wants her own room. Ive had counselling for 3 years on and off discussed this and i thought i was doing ok . Im not ive been suicidal. Bare in mind i left my wife and 3 kids because of my mental illness at the time only to find myself here feeling alone in a relationship because of this bullying with nobodu helping ME.

I'm not sure where you live (I assume London because of your screen name?), but do you have a child welfare system?  When your daughter made suicide attempts was this reported to child welfare and did they intervene in terms of counselling or recommendations to change where she lives?  And once she admitted her dad blackmailed her into staying, what is her reason now for remaining with him?  Only that she wants her own room?

I don't get some of this.  It sounds like a very serious situation and I don't understand whether all the angles of it have been reported to the proper authorities so that maybe other supports or arrangements could be required?

lastexitlondon

Yes all authority has been involved. Cahms is involved amd she has started to open up.Everytime she ends up in hospital they have to interview both parents . And they seem to let her home with him. This last time she was meant to come here. Not that i want that pressure here.i can't understand how they let her home with him. She wants out but can't confront him about it she told the mental health people they advised some safe guarding that never happened. She is my partners daughter just to clarify. 

JH6056

Yes, you made it clear she's your partner's daughter. So... you know you have the right to follow up with the authorities when something that was supposed to be set up wasn't, right?  Like her safety plan?  And if she was supposed to go home with you last time and it didn't happen, why didn't it happen?

I know it is EXHAUSTING to deal with exhausting, draining humans like this man, but following up with the mental health people and the authorities can be a hassle in the present but lead to more lasting better outcomes for the long run.

Now knowing your financial situation, by any chance will all of you get to go away at all this spring/summer?  What's the daughter like after spending a bit of concentrated time with you guys, is she good?  

Whether you're going away or not, seriously consider with your partner getting even more strategic than you've already been about getting her with you.  Did you say she doesn't go to school anymore?  That is SO serious.  Is she with the negative dad at home all day? What does she do all day?

And you must be so tired! Are you back to counselling for yourself again?  You said you were on and off then thought you were ok but now you're not.  Can you go back?  You can't help anyone else if you're not stable and feeling ok yourself.  Your wife too.  

I know it's a daily, sometimes hourly struggle to navigate all these challenges.  Hang in there, and please USE the resources that are available, even though sometimes just getting through to the agencies is a hassle all in itself.

And find ways to recognize where you're doing well, where things have improved.  Name them, talk about them out loud, be grateful to each other or yourselves or higher power or whoever/whatever you thank when you're really grateful.  You are having many successes, it sometimes just doesn't feel that way because of all the struggle.

And do what you can to get that girl to live with you, I have a feeling you guys are her only shot.

lastexitlondon

She is now at college which she doesn't attend. He doesn't care. He sleeps until mid day. Sometimes she goes out to dupe him she is at college.she missed school 2 years nothing happened to the dad. He just gave up. She works 3 days that she hasn't got college. But soon he will have gos benefits cut if she doesn't attend then he wilk be very angry. She didnt come last time because she insisted on going home. Lets be clear we live in a small 2 bed flat with hos son my baby and us 2. There is no place for her to stay. We are on a council waiting list and have raised it with the council but we rent privately on benefits because ive had a mental breakdown.its a shit  situation. Also i have 3 lovely safe . Wise children that used to come over and stayed on the couch the odd night. Don't come anymore because of the son . Who is hard work around others. Im at breaking point. The authorities are not helping. And she would have to move in full time in our only space the front room. My councillor said it's not possible for my mental health. It's all a mess. Non of which i caused. I moping up others mess again